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SELECTIONS 



FROM THE PROSE WRITINGS OF 



JONATHAN SWIFT 



EDITED WITH NOTES AND AN INTRODUCTION . 

BY 

F. C. PRESCOTT 

Assistant Professor of Rhetoric, Cornell University 




NEW YORK 

HENRY HOLT AND COMPANY 
1901 



1 



THE LIBRARY OF 
CONGRESS, 

Two Copies Received 

MAR. 5 1901 

Copyright entry 

CLASS «->XXo. No, 

COPY B. 


. 







Copyright, igoi, 

BY 

HENRY HOLT &. CO. 



ROBERT DRUMMOND, PRINTER, NEW YORK. 



i 



PREFACE. 

From the present selection it has seemed best to exclude 
^ullivers Travels and the Journal to Stella, Gulliver prob- 
oly deserves to be read, as it usually is read, before any 
f the works included here, but it is already obtainable in 
lany forms. T\iQ Journal to Stella likewise should be read 
by every student of Swift, for the light it throws on Swift's 
character, of which it gives a more intimate idea than 
any of his other writings, and even for its style. But, not 
having been intended for publication, it lies outside Swift's 
formal prose, if not outside literature, and it can therefore 
oe excluded from this volume, which is limited in space 
and must first give an idea of Swift's ordinary prose. With 
these important exceptions the text aims at as fair a rep- 
resentation of Swift's wide range of subjects and style as 
space will permit. The introduction to Polite Conversa- 
tion is selected, not only because it includes some of Swift's 
best irony, but because it is now accessible only in rare 
editions. All the selections, except the Tale oj a Tub, are 
printed entire. 

In the introduction and notes, the aim is not to add 
anything to what is already known about Swift, but to gather 
into convenient form from sources available to every one 
such information as is necessary to an intelligent reading of 



IV PREFACE. 

the text. The reader will see at once the extent of my in- 
debtedness to previous annotators and especially to Sir 
Henry Craik, to whom constant acknowledgments are due. 

Ithaca, New York, 
August I, 1900. 



CONTENTS. 



PAGE 

Introduction vii 

Chronological Table xli 

Bibliographical Note xlv 

A Tale of a Tub , i 

The Battle of the Books 53 

An Argument against Abolishing Christianity 91 

The Drapier's Letters. — Letter IV iii 

A Modest Proposal 136 

Polite Conversation. — Introduction 150 

Notes 187 

V 



INTRODUCTION. 
I. 

SWIFTS WORK. 

In the ideal study of English Literature the chief thing, 
Matthew Arnold says, is ^^ to fix a certain series of works 
to serve as what the French, taking an expression from 
the builder's business, call points de repere — points which 
stand as so many fixed centres, and by returning to which 
we can always find our way again if we are embarrassed." 
Swift would be important in such a series. If Johnson s 
Lives of the Poets furnish (as Arnold thinks) an admirable 
point de repere in the second half of the eighteenth century, 
Swift's prose — the Battle of the Books, the Tale of a Tub, 
and Gullivers Travels — could be chosen with even more 
certainty as a fixed centre in the first half. The well- 
known writers of Queen Anne's time form a compact and 
homogeneous group. In ideas they had much in com- 
mon, and, if Defoe be excepted, they were all personally, 
almost intimately, acquainted with each other. They, 
more than any other group of English literary men before 
or since, were engaged in doing the practical business and 
in confronting the actual problems of their day and gen- 
eration. Of this group Swift is the leader, and Swift's 
prose — at least for the student of literary ideas and ten- 



Vlll INTRODUCTION. 

dencies — is the most important product. In the ideal 
study of literature Swift's prose would be the best intro- 
duction to the period ; and the writings of Defoe, Addi- 
son, Steele, even of Pope himself, could not unfairly be 
treated as so many '^ illustrative and representative works '* 
— ^best understood when referred to Swift as their natural 
centre. 

A reader of the Tale of a Tub will see at once how wide 
a field Swift covers in his references and allusions, and how 
many passages — clear enough perhaps to Swift's contem- 
poraries, but obscure to us — must be studied before the 
satire is seen in its full force. To read Swift intelligently 
one must read at the same time the history of the period — 
political, social, literary, and religious — and the more one 
studies the two in connection, the more one is struck by 
the fullness and closeness of Swift's representation of the 
life and thought of his time. If this makes Swift's writ- 
ings somewhat difficult to the ordinary reader of the pres- 
ent day, it makes them correspondingly important for the 
student of the period. There is hardly a subject which 
was matter of interest and controversy at the beginning of 
the eighteenth century to which some contribution cannot 
be found in Swift's nineteen volumes ; while the most im- 
portant subjects, the questions which were uppermost in 
politics, religion, and literature, are touched on again and 
again. In Swift's writings — one sees it more and more as 
one reads — there is nothing thrown away ; everything is 
written with practical aim and with seriousness of purpose; 
everything is vital. This is the reason, aside from his 
mere style, why Swift is valuable ; he is a great mind deal- 
ing with the greatest problems of his time in a masterly 
way, — in a way, too, that was not merely helpful to his 



INl^RODUCTIOM, IX 

own age, but is full of significance for the present day as 
well. The reader will see from the following sections of 
the introduction how directly all the pieces in the text 
bear on living issues ; and he should keep this practical 
aim of Swift's writings always in mind because it deter- 
mines the spirit and style of everything that Swift wrote. 

II. 

SWIFT A SATIRIST. 

It is impossible to overlook the fondness of the 
eighteenth century for satire and burlesque. The purpose 
in most literature of the time — poetry or prose — is not 
j primarily to amuse and instruct, but to make something 
contemptible or ridiculous. As Professor Beers says/ 
'^ there is a whole literature of mockery," — parodies, for 
example, like Buckingham's Rehearsal and Swift's Medi- 
tation upon a Broomstick ; mock-heroics like Mac Flecknoe 
and the Rape of the Lock and the Dispensary ; curious and 
self-conscious inversions like the Town Eclogues and the 
Newgate Pastoral. There is satire in every variety from 
the mild sermons of the Spectator to the savage and bitter 
attacks of Gulliver s Travels ; from the clumsy and ambig- 
uous irony of Defoe's Shortest Way with Dissenters to the 
polished couplets of the Epistle to Arbuthnot and the Dun- 
ciad. All this satire is significant. It shows in what 
work the eighteenth-century writers were engaged. What 
they saw in life most clearly was its errors, abuses, and 
affectations, and these they were bent on reforming. Since 
' they were not too much in earnest, and were inclined to 

^ Engtish Romanticism in the Eighteenth Century^ p. 46. 



X IN TROD UCTION, 

see things humorously, the reforms were carried on by 
satire rather than by mere preaching or invective; but the 
serious aim of reforming and correcting was always present. 

The settlement effected by the Revolution of 1688 
brought in a long period of internal peace and left 
Englishmen free to turn their minds, which for two gene- 
rations had been absorbed in religious and political con- 
troversy, to other concerns. Instead, however, of going 
on to entirely new ideas they began to go over old ideas 
again more calmly. The eighteenth century was, on the 
whole, intolerant of new ideas, as is shown by the harsh 
treatment of the deists, the contempt heaped upon dis- 
coverers in natural science, the adherence to established 
literary ideas and forms. The age — as has been often 
said — was not creative but critical. The men of the 
eighteenth century were bent on bringing knowledge 
and experience already acquired under review ; on reject- 
ing what of this was worthless ; on applying reason and 
common sense to the remainder ; on reducing to rule, on 
classifying and renovating. Things which did not conform 
to accepted standards they applied themselves to changing; 
and accordingly we find satire directed against abuses and 
errors of every kind, not only in beliefs and ideas, but in 
morals and manners : against superstition and hypocrisy 
in religion ; against extremes in politics ; against literary 
extravagance and ineptitude ; against personal vanity and 
affectation ; against rough manners in the street and immo- 
rality in the theatres — and so on : the varieties are as 
numerous as the kinds of human error. 

In literature this spirit is actively at work. Pope takes 
over the versification of Dryden and applies himself, at 
Walsh's advice, to correcting and perfecting it. Prose 



INTROD UCTION, XI 

style, which in the seventeenth-century writers had been 
irregular, unformed, uncertain, is practised by Swift, 
Defoe, and Addison, formed, reduced to exact usage, 
made for the first time a practical and effective means of 
communication. Criticism becomes a matter of fixed 
standards and principles. The fondness of the eighteenth- 
century writers for the classics is easily understood if we 
remember their fondness for rules and precedents. The 
classics gave them models in all the recognized kinds of 
writing ; and classical literary forms and classical criticism 
furnished standards by the application of which the merits 
of contemporary work could be ascertained and its claims 
to recognition adjusted. Pope's injunction is : *^ Hear how 
learn' d Greece her useful rules indites. When to repress 
and when indulge our flights ; ' ' ^ while Addison estimates 
Paradise Lost by inquiring if it follows Homer and Virgil 
and squares with Aristotle.^ The classicism of eighteenth- 
century literature, which is often considered its distin- 
guishing characteristic, might be regarded as one manifesta- 
tion of a broader spirit which is everywhere at work. The 
passion for forming and reforming is, to adopt the idea of 
Pope, the ** ruling passion" of the period. 

In this matter Swift is truly representative. The 
eighteenth century is the age of satire, and Swift is the 
greatest English satirist. The reader will not be surprised 
to find all the selections in the present volume satirical. 
The Battle of the Books and the Tale of a Tub — Swift's 
first works except the Pindarics, which are obviously arti- 
ficial and unindividual — are satirical ; so is almost every- 

^ Essay on Criticism^ vv. 92, 93. 

2 Addison's Essays on Milton^ eighteen in number, begin with No. 
267 of the Spectator, 



Xll INTROD UCTION, 

thing else he wrote, including his last publication of 
importance, the Polite Conversation. In piece after piece 
there is the same attack, the same tone of banter, ridicule, 
and contempt, the same cool masterly style, the same 
manner, — cogent, insistent, domineering. Part of the 
interest of the Journal to Stella is that in it we escape 
from the tension of Swift's satirical writings. In writing 
to Stella, too. Swift is no longer ironical, and we find 
with relief that for once we can take him naturally. 
For irony is a characteristic of Swift's method ; as re- 
formers and satirists often are, he is a master of irony. 
In page after page he is saying one thing and meaning 
another. He keeps up the irony through long works 
without flagging and without becoming inconsistent. He 
is so fond of indirect and inverted means of expression 
that the reader is almost never safe in taking his surface 
meaning. Under the rollicking story of the three brothers 
in the Tale of a Tub is the serious criticism of the three 
divisions of the church. Under the matter-of-fact narrative 
of Gulliver' s ravels^ apparently so simple and harmless 
that it has become a story for children — is the relentless 
attack on human errors and weaknesses. Under the light 
jesting manner of the Modest Proposal one sees, at second 
reading, that Swift is terribly and bitterly in earnest. 

Two important peculiarities should be noticed about 
Swift's satire. First, it usually "tears down rather than 
builds up. Swift was naturally inclined to see errors and 
abuses more clearly than he saw the remedies for them. 
Perhaps even in this respect he is representative of his 
age, to which, as has been said, criticism was more con- 
genial work than invention. That Swift is entirely with- 
out remedies is not true. In the Modest Proposal, for 



INT ROD UCTION, XUl 

example, he is careful to enumerate measures from which 
Ireland can expect relief. But in general — and this is 
one thing that makes his work so dispiriting — he is with- 
out any definite plan for improvement, and even without 
suggestion. He is full of the present evil. Carlyle, who 
has something of Swift's bitterness and cynicism, is much 
more fertile in ideas for improvement. Carlyle, even in 
i the most discouraging times, professes hope, while Swift's 
\ outlook is hopeless. Another thing which makes Swift's 
I work terrible is that, from pointing out petty objects of 
ridicule, and inveighing against human follies and weak- 
nesses, he proceeds finally to an attack on human nature 
(and mankind itself. As long as he confines himself to 
showing remediable faults, even if he does not himself 
suggest the remedy, he is engaged in a useful work and is 
I within the limits of legitimate satire. The difficulty is 
' that he carries his satire to a morbid and impossible 
I extreme. When he brings his indictment, not against 
particular human weaknesses, but against humanity, he 
ceases to be useful in improving mankind ; he takes away 
the power and desire for improvement ; he can only bring 
men to hopelessness and despair. , ^^I hate and detest 
that animal called man," he says,^ and *^upon this great 
foundation of misanthropy the whole building of my [Gul- 
livei.r^ travels is erected." A spirit of this kind is less 
dangerous to society than to its possessor, and Swift wore 
out his own life in despair. Fortunately much of his 
work rests on a better foundation. 

1 Swift to Pope, Sept. 29, 1725. 



XIV IN TROD UCTION, 

III. 

THE TALE OF A TUB. 

The Tale of a Tub was published anonymously in 1704. 
It was written, however, six or seven years earlier, prob- 
ably for the most part in the year 1697,^ and was the 
product of the period in which Swift lived with Sir Wil- 
liam Temple at Moor Park. This period, which includes 
also his entrance into the church and his stay at Kilroot, 
was that of Swift's greatest mental activity. He was read- 
ing widely in literature, history, and thteology.^ '^The 
author, '* he says of himself in his Apology (1709), '* was 
then young, his invention at its height, and his read- 
ing fresh in his head." The Tale of a Tub was Swift's 
first contribution to religious controversy. And, though 
marked by his usual cynicism and disregard for conven- 
tionality, the contribution was direct, sincere, and im- 
petuous, — the product of the young clergyman's first 
enthusiastic reading and thought on his chosen subject. 
The fulness and freshness of the Tale of a Tub give it 

1 There is an incredible story, for which the authority is Deane 
Swift, that the Tale of a Tub was partly written as early as Swift's 
college days. See Craik's Life^ vol. i, p. 21. A note prefixed, '• The 
Bookseller to the Reader," written in 1704, gives 1697 as thej - '' 
composition. The* dedication to Prince Posterity is dated "|- 1.1- 
ber, 1697." The ''Author's Preface" is written in* 'this present 
month of August, 1697." References in the Tale itself to Dry den's 
Virgil^ to the war in Flanders, and to the mayoralty of Sir Hum- 
phrey Edwin, help to fix the date at 1697. Swift's Apology (1709) 
says: "The greatest part of that book was finished about thirteen 
years since, 1696, which is eight years before it was published." 

2 See Swift's memorandum of books read at this time in Craik's 
Life^ vol. i, p. 72, 



INTROD UCTION, XV 

almost first place among Swift's works, and one who reads 
it can well understand in what spirit Swift, long after- 
wards, exclaimed as he turned its pages, ^^ Good God, 
what a genius I had when I wrote that book ! ' ' 

Though Swift was never strongly religious, and though 
he was at this time, like his patron Temple, a supporter of 
the whig party, which was tolerant in matters of religion, 
he had one principle in common with the tories ; he was 
an uncompromising supporter of the Established Church. 
As long as the succession to the throne remained unsettled 
religious questions had a political bearing, and the struggle 
between Catholicism and Protestantism wa^ still one of 
burning practical interest. Political privileges had been 
restored to the Catholics by James II. and might be re- 
r.tored again as long as the crown and government were not 
securely Protestant, Countless pamphlets were still written 
and countless sermons preached against the Catholics.^ 
On the other side were the dissenters. They had 
joined with the papists against the Established Church 
in James the Second's time, but, unlike the papists, had 
continued after the Revolution to enjoy political privi- 
leges. They had extorted concessions from the whigs 
in return for political support and considered themselves 
the bulwark of the Protestant succession. In 1697, the 
year in which Swift wrote, a dissenter was chosen lord 
mayor of London, and even dared to go to a dissenters' 

^ One of these sermons, written by Archbishop Sharp, strangely 
enough 'Hhe very prelate who succeeded a few years later in per- 
suading Anne that, as the author of such a satire us the Tale^ Swift 
was not a proper person for a bishopric/' contains an allegory of 
three brothers and a will which is thought by Collins to have given 
Swift a suggestion for the Tale of a Tub. See Collins, Jonathan 
Swift, p. 47. 



XVI INTROD UCTION, 

meeting with the ensigns of his office. To support Prot- 
estantism and the Established Church, threatened thu 
by the Catholics on the one side and the dissenters on tl: 
other, the Tale of a Tub was primarily written. In the 
story of the three brothers, Peter, Martin, and Jack, 
Swift's object is to show the gradual corruption of the 
early church, the pride and superstition of the Church of 
Rome, the hypocrisy and cant of the dissenters, and the 
relative simplicity and purity of the Established Church. 

But the Tale of a Tub contains a great deal more than 
this. The religious satire is included in the sections 
printed in the present volume ; but, after each of these 
sections, there are digressions (omitted here) which oc- 
cupy more space than the main story. " The abuses in 
religion,'' Swift says in his Apology, **he proposed to set 
forth in the allegory of the coats and the three brothers, 
which was to make up the body of the discourse ; those in 
learning he chose to introduce by way of digressions;" 
and the digressions are by no means the least interesting 
part of the book. In these Swift satirizes generally the 
follies and shortcomings which he saw about him : the 
absurdity of the ambition of the Grub Street writers and 
other aspirants to literary fame, the incompetence and 
puerility of the critics, the affectation of the wits and 
coxcombs, the pedantry of the experimenters in natural 
philosophy. But in these digressions and in the Tale of a 
Tub, as a whole, it is not merely particular abuses or par- 
ticular classes that are aimed at ; the force of the satire is 
deeper and broader than that and goes beyond matters of 
contemporary interest. The reader soon sees that Grub 
Street and Will's and Gresham College are only conve- 
nient examples of general faults which are the real objects 



INTROD UCriON. XVll 

of the satire, — faults which are not transitory, — vanity, 
pedantry, hypocrisy, and affectation. To this breadth 
and general significance of the book — so far as it is not a 
matter of mere style — the lasting fame of the Tale of a 
Tub is due. Swift is never so conscious of particular 
faults, so absorbed in contemporary affairs, as to lose the 
larger view. He has, with his insight, the same breadth 
land objectiveness, the same disengaged coolness and clear- 
ness, that one finds in Shakspere or Montaigne, — ^and the 
I quality is one of the marks of literary genius, 
i The satire of the Tale of a Tub shows the tendency 
noted above to go too far. Swift in his Apology professed 
I a sincere purpose, and there can be no doubt that the gen- 
, eral trend of the book is in support of the Established 
\ Church. But as usual he sees the shortcomings of the 
I other religious bodies rather than the merits of the Church 
' of England, and Martin, with his purely negative virtues, 
I is made little less ridiculous than Peter and Jack. To 
Swift's clear — perhaps morbid — insight nothing seemed 
heroic, and Martin is far from turning out the hero he 
would have been in an ideal defence of the English church. 
It is not remarkable that the Tale of a Tub should have 
been thought by Swift's contemporaries to ridicule all 
religion and that it should have cost him a bishopric. In 
fact, though there is a buoyancy and freshness about the 
Tale which distinguishes it from Swift's later writings, the 
satire, especially in the digressions, has much of Swift's 
later cynicism and misanthropy. As Collins says : ^ ^*The 
satire rests on the same foundation as Gulliver s Travels — 
a deep-seated and intense conviction of the hollowness 

^ Jonathan Swifts P- 44. 



XVIU INTROD UCriON. 

and nothingness of life, a profound contempt for all the 
objects to which the energies of man are usually directed, 
and for all that is supposed to constitute human eminence. '^ 
^^ How fading and insipid," Swift exclaims in the digres- 
sion on madness in the ninth section, ^' do all objects ac- 
cost us that are not conveyed in the vehicle of delusion ! 
How shrunk is everything as it appears in the glass of 
nature ! ... In the proportion that credulity is a more 
peaceful possession of the mind than curiosity, so far pref- 
erable is that wisdom which converses about the surface, 
to that pretended philosophy which enters into the depth 
of things. ' ' Swift has already begun to take the hopeless 
view of the ^^ Voyage to the Houyhnhnms." 

IV. 

THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. 

The Battle of the Books was Swift's contribution to a 
now forgotten literary controversy, which was, however, 
carried on with a great deal of enthusiasm at the end of 
the seventeenth century, — the famous *^ quarrel of the 
ancients and moderns ;'* — i.e,, as to the relative merits 
of the ancient and modern learning.* For the origin of 
this controversy it would probably be necessary to go to 
the later Renaissance period in Italy, where the study of 
the ancient classics, followed by a vigorous contemporary 
literary production, made comparison of modern writers 
with their ancient models and discussion as to the relative 
merits of the two inevitable. The immediate discussion 

* For a full discussion see H. Rigault, Histoire de la querelle des 
anciens et des modernes. For an account of the controversy in Eng- 
land see Jebb, Behtley (<« English Men of Letters "), chaps, iv, v. 



INTRODUCTION, XIX 

in which Swift took part, however, began in France, and 
to make Swift's satire clear it will be necessary to give a 
brief account of this. The brilliant achievements of the 
age of Louis XIV. in war, diplomacy, and letters led some 
complacent French writers to maintain that the literature 
of seventeenth-century France was the greatest the world 
had ever seen. Charles Perrault advanced this opinion in 
a poem, Le siecle de Louis le Grand, which was read be- 
fore the French Academy in 1687, and elaborated it in 
four volumes oi Par alleles des anciens et des modernes (1688- 
1697). Perrault claimed superiority over the ancients 
for various moderns, and among others **set Monsieur 
Boileau against Horace," — a position which Boileau him- 
self at once repudiated, taking the side of the ancients 
in his Reflexions critiques sur Longin (1694). Mean- 
while Fontenelle supported the moderns in a Digression 
sur les anciens et les modernes (1688). 

The conflict was transferred to England by Swift's 
friend and patron, Sir William Temple. Temple's atten- 
tion had been called to the discussion in France by some 
work of Fontenelle' s, apparently this Digression,^ and in 
1690 he published, on the side of the ancients, dca Essay 
upon Ancient and Modern Learning, a nicely written but 
not very sound argument to show that all learning was the 
product of eastern antiquity, that the ancients surpassed 
the moderns, not only in art and literature but in all 
branches of learning, and that whatever knowledge the 
moderns possessed they got from preying upon the an- 
cients, — ^' out of the books in the universities." In fact 
he took seriously the same position which Swift afterwards 

^ Temple, Works^ (^77^)f vol. iii, p. 431. 



XX INTRODUCTION. 

supported humorously in the Battle of the Books. Temple 
was a man of sufficient reputation to give the conflict im- 
portance in England, and his Essay was followed by many 
others on the same subject.^ The first of these was Will- 
iam Wotton's Reflections upon Ancient and Modern Learji- 
ing, published in 1694. Wotton, who, by mastering 
Latin, Greek, and Hebrew at the age of six, and getting 
his degree at Cambridge at the age of thirteen, had come 
to be known as a prodigy of learning, and had in fact all 
the pedantry Swift was so fond of ridiculing, treated the 
subject less entertainingly but more judicially and exhaust- 
ively than the polite Temple. He admitted the superior- 
ity of the ancients in *^ eloquence and poetry'^ and de- 
voted himself to supporting the claims of modern science. 
To his success in disposing of Temple's arguments on this 
head Wotton owed his unenviable position in the Battle 0/ 
the Books, 

^ A full bibliographical list of the writings constituting the discus- 
sion in England will be found in the preface to Bentley's JVorks, ed. 
Dyce, vol. i, p. xi. The following brief list, which includes some works 
not mentioned above, is given for convenience of reference : 

1690. Sir W. Temple, Essay upon Ancient and Modern Learning. 

1694. W. Wotton, Reflections upon Ancient and Modern Learn- 
ing. 

1695. C. Boyle, Phalaridis Epistotce. 

1697. W. Wotton, Reflections^ second edition, with R. Bentley's 
Dissertation upon the Epistles of Phalaris^ etc. , appended. 

1698. C. Boyle, Dr. Bentley's Dissertations Examined. 

1699. R. Bentley, A Dissertation upon the Epistles of Phalaris^ 
an expansion of the earlier work. 

1 701. Sir W. Temple, A Defense of the Essay upon Ancient a7id 
Modern Learnings published posthumously by Swift. 

1704. J. Swift, The Battle of the Books. 

1705. W. Wotton, A Defense of the Reflections upon Ancient and 
Modern Learning, 



INTROD UCTION, - XXl 

Temple, in his JSssay, made one important slip which 
opened the way to effective reply on the part of the 
supporters of the moderns. He expressed himself as 
follows: '^ It may be further affirmed in favor of the 
ancients that the oldest books we have are still in their 
kind the best. The two most ancient that I know of in 
prose, among those we call profane authors, are ^sop's 
fables and Phalaris's epistles, both living near the same 
time, which was that of Cyrus and Pythagoras. As the 
first has been agreed by all ages since for the greatest 
master in his kind, and all others of that sort but imita- 
tions of his original ; so I think the epistles of Phalaris to 
have more race, more spirit, more force of wit and genius 
than any others I have seen, either ancient or modern.*^ 
The fables and epistles which Temple had chosen as 
shining examples of the superiority of the ancients were 
in fact, as his opponents soon showed, not written by 
^sop and Phalaris at all, but were spurious works com- 
posed after the Christian era. This reference of Temple 
was the means of bringing two other important persons into 
the conflict — Boyle and Bentley. Temple's praise of 
Phalaris led the scholars of Christ Church, Oxford, a 
young and brilliant but rather superficial literary coterie, 
to undertake a new edition of the epistles, and the editing 
was done, nominally at least, by one of the most dis- 
tinguished of their number, Charles Boyle, afterwards 
Earl of Orrery. Boyle's edition of the Epistles of Pha- 
laris appeared in 1695. In his editing Boyle had borrowed 
for collation from the King's Library at St. James's a 
manuscript of the spurious letters, and this manuscript 
Bentley, librarian of St. James's, had demanded back 
before the work was complete. Boyle, to show his resent- 



XXU INTROD UCTION, 

ment for this act of Bentley's, spoke of it in his Latin 
preface to the Epistles as pro singulari humanitate sua, — 
i.e., in accordance with Bentley's somewhat peculiar 
ideas of courtesy. It may be noted by the way that, 
though Boyle probably meant in the first place by this 
phrase to charge Bentley merely with lack of courtesy, 
Bentley himself in replying to Boyle translated it with 
humorous literalness, *^out of his singular humanity/' 
Bentley's opponents took up the phrase and, finding in it 
some special fitness to the great scholar's bluntness and 
intolerance, used it as a sort of battle-cry. The reader 
will find in the Battle of the Books several sarcastic refer- 
ences to Bentley's *^ humanity." 

Bentley, by far the greatest classical scholar of his day, 
entered the discussion at this point by appending to the 
second edition of Wotton's Reflections (1697) 2^ Disserta- 
tion upon the Epistles of Phalaris, etc. In the introduction 
to this work Bentley replied to Boyle's charge in a light 
and entertaining vein, and then proceeded to show by a 
masterly argument the spuriousness of the so-called epis- 
tles of Phalaris and fables of ^sop. One more number 
in the controversial series must be mentioned. Early in 
1698 Boyle published a rejoinder entitled Dr. Bentley s 
Dissertations on the Epistles of Phalaris and • the Fables of 
JEsop Examined, This book left the merits of the dispute 
about where they were before, but to its composition were 
summoned all the resources and all the cleverness of 
Boyle's party, and, unlike Wotton's Reflections, it will 
still be found entertaining reading. 

At this point the Battle of the Books was written. The 
controversy, as will be seen from the foregoing account, 
had left the general lines which it had followed in France 



INTRODUCTION, XXlll 

and had narrowed itself to the discussion of particular 
points and personalities. There could be no question as 
to which side had substantially the better of the discussion. 
Temple, writing with the superficiality and easy inaccu- 
racy befitting a retired diplomat spending his declining 
years in the cultivation of polite letters, and Boyle, hold- 
ing his own by sheer wit, were no match for the serious 
and learned, if dull, Wotton, and the scholarly Bentley. 
But there could also be no question which side of the dis- 
pute Swift would take. As Leslie Stephen remarks. Swift 
probably knew and cared little about the merits of the 
controversy. He was quite ready in the Battle of the Books 
to make Boileau a champion of the moderns in spite of 
Boileau s own repudiation of that position ; and to repre- 
sent Bentley as failing utterly from the weight of his 
pedantry, when as a matter of fact he had triumphantly 
succeeded because of his superior learning. It was 
always Swift's way to support practically and ardently 
the side on which his sympathies had been engaged, for- 
tuitously or otherwise, rather than to trouble himself 
about abstract merits. The present controversy, brought 
down from the uninteresting level of general criticism and 
made a hand-to-hand personal conflict — Temple against 
Wotton, and Boyle against Bentley, — was just the kind of 
a contest in which Swift could take part with spirit. He 
wrote on the side of the ancients for two reasons. In the 
first place, his sympathies were naturally with the native 
wit and cleverness of Boyle's party against what he con- 
sidered the toiling dulness and pedantry of Wotton and 
Bentley. In the second place, he was bound to support 
his patron Temple. Swift had by this time (1697J be- 
come Temple's friend and literary adviser. Temple to 



>^xiv IN TROD UCTION, 

defend his first essay had begun a second (published by Swift 
in 1701 after Temple's death), but was unable to finish it. 
Swift probably meant to step in and dispose of Temple's 
opponents by means of sarcasm. But, for some reason, 
the Battle of the Books was not published until seven 
years later (1704), and it is possible that it was written 
merely as a humorous skit for private circulation among 
Temple's friends. At any rate, the reader of the Battle 
should bear in mind throughout that it was intended to be 
a direct contribution to an active personal controversy, 
and especially to reenforce Temple's Essay upon Ancient ^ 
and Modern Learning. 

The Battle of the Books falls naturally into three parts. 
Temple's idea that the moderns get all their learning out 
of books, while the ancients went direct to nature, is set 
forth in lively form in the fable of the spider and the bee, 
which, very fittingly, ^sop is called on to sum up. The 
moderns pretend to nothing genuine ^* unless it be a large 
vein of wrangling and satire, much of a nature and sub- 
stance with the spider's poison; which, however they 
pretend to spit wholly out of themselves, is improved by 
the same arts, by feeding upon the insects and vermin of 
the age." The ancients, on the other hand, to quote 
again from ^sop's eloquent summary, ''pretend to noth- 
ing of our own, beyond our wings and our voice : that is 
to say, our flights and our language. For the rest, what- 
ever we have got, hath been by infinite labor and search, 
and ranging through every corner of nature ; the differ- 
ence is, that, instead of dirt and poison, we have rather 
chose to fill our hives with honey and wax, thus furnishing 
mankind with the two noblest of things, which are sweet- 
ness and light." After the *' long descant of ^sop " the 



INTRODUCTION^, xxV 

' ' battle ' ' proper, with which the satire begins and which 
is interrupted by the fable, is resumed, and the ancient 
and modern books, whose merits had been so seriously 
discussed by Temple and Wotton, are given life and made 
to take part in an animated mock-Homeric conflict. 
Then follows the ' ' Episode of Bentley and Wotton, ' ' in 
which these two moderns start forth to get the armor of 
Phalaris and -^sop (the reference being to Bentley' s 
Dissertation^, but are met by Boyle, who, clad in a suit of 
armor given him by all the gods (Boyle's reply, which 
was the joint work of the Christ Church wits), advanced 
against the trembling foes and finally transfixed them both, 
like a brace of woodcocks, on his lance. 

There has always hung over the Battle of the Books a 
vague charge of plagiarism, which has been met only by 
the latest biographers of Swift. The charge was first 
made by Wotton in his Defense of the Reflections (1705) : 
'* I have been assured that the Battle in St. Jam.es' s Li- 
brary is, mutatis mutandis, taken out of a French book, 
entitled Combat des livres, if I misremember not." No 
book with this title is known. In spite of the uncertain 
wording of Wotton 's charge, which shows it to have been 
made at random, and in spite of Swift's explicit denial 
(in his Apology, 1709), the charge was repeated by John- 
son in his Life of Swift, It was apparently first sug- 
gested in 1770 by a writer in the Gentleman s Magazine^ 
that the French book from which Swift got his idea was 
the Histoire poetique de la guerre nouvellement declaree 
entre les anciens et les modernes of Francois de Callieres.^ 

1 Vol. xl, p. 159. 

2 By the writer in the Gentleman s Magazine the name of the 
author was not given. Scott, through some unaccountable mistake, 



XXVI INTROD UCTIOAT. 

This book begins with an account of the reading of Per- 
rault's poem, Le Steele de Louis le Grand (which is ' 
printed entire), and this is followed by a long description 
of the war between the ancient and modern occupants of ^ 
Parnassus. The resemblance between it and the Battle q/\ 
the Books is, however, of the most general kind — by no 
means great enough to justify the charge of plagiarism, or 
even to warrant the conclusion that Swift knew the book. 
Moreover, the idea of an allegorical battle was not new 
with De Callieres, but had already been used so often as 
to have become common property.^ Swift, then, merely 
introduced into England a fashionable French literary 
device and used it in an original way for his own pur- 
poses — a very characteristic procedure. As Forster re- 
marks, his indebtedness is greater to Homer than to this 
French satirist ; and surely few books more original than 
the Battle of the Books have ever been written. 

gave the name Coutray, and this mistake was followed by Forster. 
Craik first gave the name of the author correctly (Life of Szviftj 
vol. i, p. 90). 

^ Rigault says in his Histoire de ia querelle des anciens et des 
modernes {CEuvres, vol. i, p. 363) : ''En remontant plus haut que le 
XVII® siecle, on verrait que I'idee premiere de la Bataiile des livres 
est empruntee peut-etre a un vieux fabliau, oii se trouve raconte un 
combat de ce genre entre I'Universite de Paris et celle d'Orleans." 
Two books of the same kind, besides that of De Callieres, are in the 
Cornell University Library, one of them an earlier contribution to 
the quarrel of the ancients and moderns, viz. : A. Furetiere's Nou- 
velte allegorique, ou histoire des derniers troubles arrivez au royaume 
d' eloquence (1658), which, like De Callieres's, contains an amusing 
diagram of the field of battle ; and G. Gueret's Guerre des autheurs 
anciens et modernes (1671). 



INTRODUCTION, XXVU 



V. 

ARGUMENT AGAINST ABOLISHING 
CHRISTIANITY. 

The Argument against Abolishing Christianity was one of 
a series of pamphlets on religious subjects which Swift 
wrote and published in 1708. At this time he was still, 
nominally at least, a whig ; but he was inclined to differ 
with the leaders of his party in matters of religion. '^In 
order to preserve the constitution entire in Church and 
State," he says in this year,* ^^ whoever has a true value 
for either would be sure to avoid the extremes of whig for 
the sake of the former and the extremes of tory for the sake 
of the latter. ' ' Swift's breach with the whigs, which was 
foreshadowed by expressions of this kind and finally took 
place in 1710, was caused, so far as it was not due to per- 
sonal interest, by his disagreement with the whig leaders 
in matters of religion. 

Swift was a believer in Christianity, and, as has been 
said, in the particular kind of Christianity represented by 
the Established Church of England. Not that he was espe- 
cially religious. As was suggested in the preceding sec- 
tion, he was not inclined to trouble himself about matters 
of speculative theology. He did not respond to the spiri- 
tual and mystical appeal which religion doubtless made to 
many men even in the eighteenth century, and he prob- 
ably did not consider any great amount of consecration or 
religious devotion necessary to the filling of his office. He 
^' was not the man,'' as Leslie Stephen observes,^ '* to lose 

^ Sentitnents of a Church of England Man, 
^ Swift ^ p. 48. 



XXVIU INTROD UCTIOl^.. 

himself in an Oh^ altiiudo I or in any train of thought 
or emotion not directly bearing upon the actual business 
of the world. ' ' He believed his profession practically val- 
uable and the Established Church practically necessary. 
He would hardly have openly supported the view — which 
was, however, a common one in the eighteenth century 
— that the Church was a mere system of police or branch 
of the civil authority for the protection of morals. But 
to Swift the Church had a political and a moral, as well 
as a purely religious, value, and he made little effort to 
keep these different values distinct in his own mind. 
His religious writings all glance at political subjects and 
are in reality partly political manifestoes, just as he him- 
self said that for sermons he could preach nothing but 
political pamphlets. That an established church was nec- 
essary — for political, moral, or religious reasons — was in 
Swift's mind incontestable, and in fact the point was 
admitted by most of his contemporaries. This being true, 
the Church should be kept secure and intact ; it should 
not be weakened by concessions to the Catholics or to the 
dissenters ; it should be indifferent to speculative dis- 
cussion, for if it yielded one point it might have to yield 
another and would be at the mercy of every free-thinker 
or other person who imagined that he had made an 
original contribution to theology. In his support of the 
Established Church, viewed in this practical light, Swift 
was uncompromising. 

Swift's position was clearly stated in the pamphlets 
of the year 1708. The Project for the Advancement of 
Religion and the Reformation of Manners showed that 
^*the nation is extremely corrupted in religion and 
morals," and offered ^^a short scheme for the reformation 



INTRODUCTION. XXIX 

li both." The reformation was to be accomplished 
mainly by the active interference of the government to 
build up the material side of the Church. The Senti- 
ments of a Church of England Man attempted '' to rec- 
ommend a high and rigid regard for the church establish- 
ment on the one hand and for the principles of civil liberty 
on the other/' The views stated in these pamphlets were 
not pleasing to the whigs, who were as liberal in religion 
as in politics, and were at this time strengthening them- 
selves by making concessions to the dissenters. At the 
end of the year Swift displeased the whigs still further by 
a practical application of his principles. In December, 
1708, he published his Letters on the Sacramental Test, 
insisting that the Test should be kept up against the dis- 
senters. The bill for the repeal of the Test Act, sup- 
ported by the whigs, was lost, it was believed by Swift's 
influence, and his relations with the whigs were virtually 
at an end. 

Of this series of pamphlets on religious subjects the Argu- 
ment against Abolishing Christianity, also written in 1708, is 
the most forcible, most interesting, and most characteristic 
of Swift's peculiar style. It is aimed, ostensibly at least, 
at the deistical movement, which gave rise to much con- 
troversy in Swift's time. The leaders of the movement 
were those mentioned by Swift : John Toland, whose book 
Christianity not Mysterious (1695) was the first work by 
the unorthodox writers ; Matthew Tindal, who called him- 
self a ^VChristian deist " and published his Rights of the 
Christian Church in 1 706 ; Anthony Collins, who wrote a 
Discourse on Freethinking, which was later (1713) disposed 
of by one of Swift's cleverest pieces of irony. The deists 
were men of little position or ability compared with the 



XXX INTRO D UCTION, 

formidable champions of orthodoxy. They received, it is 
true, the tacit approval of the liberal whig leaders,— of 
such men as Somers and Wharton, who were popularly 
regarded as infidels ; and later they were countenanced 
by men of as much power and note as Bolingbroke and 
Shaftesbury. But on the whole they were quite inferior to 
their opponents — men who, as Swift says, would never 
have been suspected of being wits or philosophers if they 
had written on any other subject. As it was, they at- 
tracted wide attention, even in Parliament, where the 
writings of Toland, Tindal, and others were ordered to be 
burnt by the common hangman. Swift's Argument iron- 
ically urges that Christianity should be maintained a little 
longer in spite of the growing popularity of this freethink- 
ing. 

But the satire is double-edged and is not aimed at the 
deists alone. '' I hope no reader imagines me so weak,'' 
Swift says by way of ironical cautiqn at the beginning, ^^ to 
stand up in defence of real Christianity such as used, in 
primitive times, to have an influence on men's beliefs and 
actions." He means to call attention, too, to the wide 
departure that has been made from real Christianity, and 
to the half-heartedness with which Christianity is now be- 
lieved. ^'Is the sarcasm here," Craik asks,' ^'chiefly 
against the skeptic who would sweep away Christianity? 
Or is it against the conventional artificialities that pass for 
religion ? Or is it against the essential shallowness of 
human nature that makes these artificialities all we can 
compass ? ' ' Swift again sees, back of the particular faults 
he is satirizing, the *^ essential shallowness of human na- 

* Life of Swift y vol. i, p. 213. 



ITNROD UCTIOJV. XXXI 

ture/' The breadth of the satire in Xh^ Argument against 
Abolishing Christianity, as well as the force and brilliancy 
of its style and the skill with which the irony is sustained, 
place it with the Tale of a Tub and Gulliver's Travels. 

VI. 

IRISH PAMPHLETS. 

The events of 17 14 — the fall of the tories, the death 
of Anne, the accession of George I. and the beginning of 
the long supremacy of the whigs — ended Swift's political 
career and sent him to Ireland in despair. For six years 
he lived in retirement and inactivity. In England his 
writing had been put to the service of his ambition — " that 
I might be used like a lord/* he said, ^^by those who 
have an opinion of my parts, *^ — and had won him political 
and social position. Now his power was gone, he was 
caged up in Ireland, a country which he always regarded 
as a place of exile, and he could use his writing only to 
harass from a distance the triumphant whigs, who had 
caused his discomfiture. He saw an opportunity for 
attacking the whigs in the misgovernment of Ireland, 
and in 1720 he appeared as the champion of the Irish. It 
would be a mistake to regard the writings in which he sup- 
ported Irish interests as the work of purely disinterested 
patriotism. His first desire was undoubtedly to be 
avenged on the whigs, and as late as 1728 he says to 
Pope, — though some allowance must be made for Swift's 
cynicism, which is apt to undervalue even his own 
motives, — ^^Your kind opinion of me as a patriot, since 
you call it so, is what I do not deserve ; because what I 
do is owing to perfect rage and resentment, and the mor- 



XXXll IN TROD UCTION, 

tifying sight of slavery, folly, and baseness about me, 
among which I am forced to live. ' ' ^ But Swift probably 
grew during his long exile to have a genuine love and 
pity for the Irish, and certainly the most high-minded 
patriot could not have advocated the Irish cause more 
zealously and effectively. 

The condition of Ireland was indeed miserable.^ The 
native Irish were incredibly ignorant and brutal, and so 
poor that the island was filled with beggars. They were 
misguided by their priests and oppressed by their absentee 
landlords. The English settlers in Ireland, in whose in- 
terest Swift particularly writes, were little better off. Their 
industry was thwarted by an unsound currency and by 
tyrannical restrictions on trade, both imposed for the 
benefit of England. They were plundered by officers 
of the government, and the offices were always given to 
Englishmen. Ireland was in fact systematically mis- 
governed for the benefit of the English. 

Swift published in 1720 a Proposal /or the Universal 
Use of Irish Manufacture — ^'in clothes and the furni- 
ture of houses," the title continues, ^^ utterly rejecting 
and renouncing everything wearable that comes from 
England," — urging that the Irish, to retaliate against the 
trade laws which had ruined their woollen industry, should 
^'boycott" the English and use only goods made in 
Ireland. Swift advocated the same measure often in later 
writings. 

Two years afterwards a new trouble arose in which 

1 Swift to Pope, June i, 1728. 

2 For an account of Ireland at this time, see Craik, Life of Swifts 
vol. ii, p. 50; Lecky, History of England in the Eighteenth Ceittury^ 
vol. ii, p. 215. 



INTRODUCTION, XXXIU 

Swift took an active part. In July, 1722, a patent was 
given by the English government to William Wood to 
provide Ireland with a copper coinage. Wood's half- 
pence, as the coins issued under this patent were called, 
were not intrinsically worth their face value, and the 
jnargin of profit thus created in the mintage, instead of 
going to the Irish, was to be distributed, ^1000 a year 
to the crow^n, ;^i 0,000 to the Duchess of Kendal, the 
king's mistress, for obtaining the patent, and the remainder, 
with expenses deducted, to Wood himself. The trans- 
action was effected in London, without reference to the 
Irish government, and by means of barefaced jobbery, 
which, as usual, plundered the Irish for the benefit of 
hangers-on of the English government. So much resist- 
ance to the measure was shown iti Ireland that the govern- 
ment, in April, 1724, was forced to open an inquiry before 
a committee of the privy council, which in July reported 
in favor of the patent with some reductions. 

While the committee was sitting and while the Irish 
were already at a high pitch of excitement, Swift published 
anonymously the first of the famous Drapier's Letters, It 
was a short pamphlet, signed ^' M. B. drapier,*' badly 
printed, and * ^ very proper, " the title-page says, ^^to be 
kept in every family." Addressing the ^^ tradesmen, shop- 
keepers, farmers, and country-people in general of the 
kingdom of Ireland," in the character of an untutored 
but shrewd Dublin draper, it urged that the acceptance of 
Wood's halfpence meant the utter ruin of the country. 
One can imagine that Swift, like Defoe, enjoyed playing 
an assumed part and arguing like a draper. The prin- 
ciples of political economy were little understood in 1 724, 
and the workings of the currency were then even more 



XXXIV IN TROD UCTION, 

than now regarded as mysterious. Swift was concerned 
with neither, except that ignorance made his task easier ; 
his only aim was to make a practically effective appeal to 
the Irish people. In its utter disregard of truth or even 
consistency of statement and in its insinuating style, the 
first Drapier's Letter is a model of unscrupulous and dema- 
gogical political writing. The reader should only re- 
member that political standards were lower then than now 
and that the means used on the other side called for such 
resistance. 

A second letter, published August 4th, proposed a 
general agreement to refuse the odious money, and a third, 
dated August 25th, examined the report of the committee 
of the privy council. Finally on the 23d of October 
appeared Letter IV, which is included in the present 
selection. It is the strongest of the letters in its style 
and in the ground that it takes. It deals less with the 
particular grievance of the coinage, more with the general 
relation of Ireland to England, and it can be regarded as 
a kind of declaration of Irish independence. '^All gov- 
ernment without the consent of the governed, ' ' Swift says, 
with a phrasing which recalls that of the Declaration of 
1776, ^Msthevery definition of slavery"; and a little further 
on : *^ By the laws of God, of nature, of nations, and of 
your country, you [the whole people of Ireland] are and 
ought to be as free a people as your brethren of England." 
And again, in reply to those who assert that Ireland is a 
'^ depending kingdom," he exclaims: '^ Let whoever thinks 
otherwise I, M. B., drapier, desire to be excepted; for I 
declare, next under God, I depend only on the king my 
sovereign, and on the laws of my own country. And I 
am so far from depending upon the people of England, 



INTROD UCTION, XXXV 

that if they should ever rebel against my sovereign (which 
God forbid !) I would be ready, at the first command from 
his Majesty, to take arms against them, as some of my 
countrymen did against theirs at Preston/' There is still 
the same directness and admirable fitting of treatment to 
audience which make the first letter so effective in its per- 
suasion ; but to this is added an elevation and earnestness 
in the appeal beside which the mere cleverness of the first 
letter seems poor in comparison. In the fourth letter 
Swift rises almost to his best. 

The last of the tracts on the condition of Ireland ^ is 
the best known, the Modest Proposal for preventing the 
children of poor people in Ireland from being a burden to 
their parents or the Country, 1729. But though well 
known it is often misunderstood, because it is not read in 
connection with Swift's other expressions on Irish affairs 
and with allowance for his peculiar style. Swift makes 
his proposal in what seems to be cool earnest : ^ ^ I have 
been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaint- 
ance in London that a young healthy child, well nursed, 
is, at a year old, a most delicious, nourishing, and whole- 
some food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled ; and 
I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or 
a ragout.'' He sums up his argument and meets objec- 
tions with a great show of argumentative exactness. At 
first one sees in this nothing but a grim and hideous kind 
of humor, and imagines Swift indulging in cold blood in 
2.jeu d' esprit at the expense of Irish misery. In fact, as 
one sees at second reading, there is a double irony, — an 
irony of statement and an irony of manner. In the first 

^ Swift's chief writings on Irish affairs will be found together in 
vol. vii of Scott's edition. 



XXXVl INTRODUCTION, 

place, Swift as usual is literally saying one thing and 
meaning another, in a way that no one could misunder- 
stand, — though Scott, indeed, tells of a Frenchman who 
took him literally and actually imagined that he meant 
to provide Ireland with a new variety of food. In the 
second place — and here the misunderstanding usually 
arises — Swift is assuming the manner of a humorist when 
his aim is by no means to amuse, but, by the most effect- 
ive expression in his power, to call attention sharply to 
the wrongs of Ireland. As Craik remarks,^ ''he adopts 
the phraseology, the outward style, the mannerisms of the 
humorist ; but it is only to give intensity to the irony. ' ' 
The vehicle is irony, and, though Swift is by this time an 
inveterate eipoor to whom irony is perhaps easier than 
direct expression, he no doubt took satisfaction in carry- 
ing out the figure consistently. But to overlook Swift's 
serious purpose is entirely to misunderstand the piece. 
Take the passage in which Swift proposes remedies, the 
expedients rejected in the ironical presentation being of 
course the very ones which he wishes seriously to recom- 
mend, and note how Swift's vehemence shows through the 
irony: ''Therefore let no man talk to me of other expe- 
dients : of taxing our absentees at five shillings a pound : 
of using neither clothes, nor household-furniture, except 
what is our own growth and manufacture : of utterly re- 
jecting the materials and instruments that promote foreign 
luxury : of curing the expensiveness of pride, vanity, idle- 
ness, and gaming in our women ; of introducing a vein ofv 
parsimony, prudence, and temperance : of learning to 
love our country," and so on. It is only when one for- 

1 Selections from Swift ^ vol. i, p. 1 44. 



INTRODUCTION, XXXVll 

gets Swift's mood and the condition of Ireland that one 
can read the Modest Proposal merely for its humor. 

VII. 

POLITE CONVERSATION. 

The Complete Collection of Genteel and Ingenious Con- 
versation, or as it is better known, Polite Conversation, the 
introduction to which closes the present volume, was pub- 
lished in 1738, probably after having lain in manuscript 
for some time. Swift's correspondence^ indicates that it 
was composed in 1731, but, if some humorous allusions in 
the introduction can be relied on,^ the material at least 
was gathered much earlier. Swift had probably for many 
years made notes of the *' choicest expressions'' which he 
met with in conversation. The book is directed against 
the faults which Swift condemns so often, cant and affec- 
tation — this time the cant and affectation of polite so- 
ciety. Its purpose, Swift writes to Gay in 1731,^ was 
* ' to reduce the whole politeness, wit, humor, and style of 
England into a short system, for the use of all persons of 
quality and particularly of all maids of honor;" or, to 
drop the irony, to show, by bringing together some of its 
cant phrases and vulgarities, how much ordinary polite 
conversation was lacking in saneness and originality. 
That the reform was needed is shown by the dialogue in 
comedies of the time dealing with polite society and by 
the papers on the subject in the Spectator,^ and Swift had 

1 Swift to Gay, August 28, 1731; Swift to Pope, June 12, 1731. 

2 See pp. 151-153. 

3 May 28. 

* See Spectator, Nos. 155, 242, 533 ; Tatter, No. 153. 



XXXVIU INTRODUCTION, 

probably suffered often enough in meeting '^persons of 
quality" to write with both zest and truthfulness. 

A short specimen taken from Dialogue I of the conver- 
sation will give an idea of the kind of stupidity Swift 
intended to ridicule and will help to an understanding of 
the ^* introduction " printed in the text: 

*' Colonel [coughing]. I have got a sad cold. 

'^ Lady Answer all. Aye; 'tis well if one can get anything these 
hard times. 

''''Miss [to Colonel]. Choke, chicken; there's more a hatching. 

''''Lady Smart. Pray, Colonel, how did you get that cold? 

''^ Lord Spar kish. Why, Madam, I suppose the Colonel got it by 
lying abed barefoot. 

' '' Lady Answer all. Why, then. Colonel, you must take it for bet- 
ter for worse, as a man takes his wife. 

'''' Colonel. Well, ladies, I apprehend you without a constable. 

^'' Miss. Mr. Neverout ! Mr. Neverout ! Come hither this mo- 
ment ! 

< '■ Lady Smart [imitating her]. Mr. Neverout ! Mr. Neverout ! I 
wish he were tied to your girdle. 

'■''Neverout. What's the matter ? Whose mare's dead now ? 

'* Miss. Take your labor for your pains; you may go back again, 
like a fool, as you came. 

'' Neverout. Well, Miss, if you deceive me a second time, 'tis my 
fault. 

'' Lady Smart. Colonel, methinks your coat is too short. 

^' Colonel. It will be long enough before I get another, Madam." 

And so on through a long day which begins with an 
early call and ends with a party at quadrille which does > 
not break up '' till three in the morning.'^ 

The collection is supposed to be made by '^ Simon 
Wagstaff, Esq./' in whose character Swift writes the in- 
troduction. Wagstaff, who is himself ^^ well acquainted 
with the best families in town," and who is ^^ polite" 
rather than book-learned, manages in the course of the 



INTRODUCTION'. XXXIX 

introduction to give examples of many of the follies which 
Swift intended to satirize, and, as Saintsbury observes, 
'' to exhibit himself as ridiculous while discoursing to his 
own complete satisfaction. ' ^ He is saying throughout, of 
course, just the opposite of what Swift means, and his 
^ ' polite ' ' introduction can therefore be taken as a final 
example of Swift's consummate skill in irony. 



1 



CHRONOLOGICAL TABLE. 

[The student should read at least a short account of Swift's life 
before taking up the present volume. The following chronology, 
compiled from the Dictionary of National Biography^ is included for 
casual reference.] 

1667, November 30. Swift born. 
j 1668. Carried by his nurse to England. 
167 1. Sent back to Ireland. 
1673. Sent to grammar school of Kilkenny. 
1682, April 24. Entered at Trinity College, Dublin. 
1685. Graduates. 

1688. Goes from Dublin to Leicester. 

1689. Taken into Sir William Temple's family, 

1690. Leaves Temple ; goes to Ireland. 

169 1. Returns to Temple. 

1692. Becomes M;A. at Oxford. 
'* First poetry published. 

1694. Leaves Temple second time; goes to Ireland.- 

'^ October 28. Ordained deacon. 
1694-5, January 13. Ordained priest ; and obtains prebend of 
Kilroot. 

1696, May. Begins third stay with Temple. 

1697. Resigns prebend of Kilroot. 

^ ' Writes Battle, of the Books and Tale of a Tub, 
1698-9, January 26. Temple dies. 
1699. Swift returns to Ireland. 

1699-1700, February. Receives living of Laracor. 
1 70 1, February. Takes D.D. degree at Dublin. 

< ' April. Returns to London. 

' ' Publishes Dissensions in Athens and Rome, 

xli 



xlii CHRONOLOGICAL TABLE. 

1701, September. Goes to Ireland, accompanied by Esther Johnson 

and Mrs. Dingley. 

1702, April to November. Again in England- 

1703, November. Goes to England. 

1704, Publishes Battle of the Books and Tale of a Tub. 
" May. Returns to Ireland. 

1705, April. Goes to England. 

1706, In Ireland. 

1707, November. Goes to England. 
^* Publishes Predictions for the Year lyoS. 

1708, Publishes Argument against Abolishing Christianity, Project 

for the Advancement of Religion, Sentifiients of a Church of 
pjigland Man, Letter on the Sacramental Test, 
<' Disagreement with whigs. 

1709, June 30. Returns to Ireland. 

1 7 10, September. Goes to England again. 
September 2. Begins yournal to Stella. 
Contributes to Steele's Tatler. 

October. Comes to an understanding with Harley. 
Attacks Godolphin in Sid Hamefs Rod. 
November 2 to 171 1, June 14. Writes Examiner. 

171 1, November 27. VubMsho^s Conduct of the Allies. 
1711-12, February. Writes Proposal for Correcting the English 

Language. 

1713, April 23. Appointed dean of St. Patrick's, Dublin. 
*' June. Goes back to Ireland. 

*' September. Returns to England. 
' '- Attacks Steele in The Importance of the Guardian Considered. 

1 7 14, May. Retires to Berkshire. 

'*, Projects '■'• Scriblerus Club" with Pope and Arbuthnot. 

*' Writes Tree Thoughts on the Present State of Affairs. 

*' August 16. Leaves for Ireland. 
17 16. Date given for alleged marriage to Stella. 
1720. Publishes Proposal for the Universal Use of Irish Manu^ 

factures. 
1722. Patent issued for Wood's coinage. 
1724. First Drapier's Letter. 

'''- August 4. Second Drapier's Letter, 

'•'■ '' 25. Third Drapiers Letter. 



CHRONOLOGICAL TABLE, xliil 



I 

"1^241 October 13. Fourth Drapier's Letter, 
'1725-6, March. Goes to London. 

1726. Publishes Gulliver's Travels. 

1727. Makes last visit to England. 
1727-28, January 28. Stella dies. 
1729. Publishes Modest Proposal. 

1 73 1. Verses On the Death of Dr. Swift. 

1733. Rhapsody on Poetry. 

1736. The Legion Club. 

1738. Polite Conversation published. 

1 74 1-2, March. Guardians appointed for Swift. 

1742, September. Entirely loses his mind. 

1745, October 19. Swift dies. 



BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE. 

o complete bibliography of Swift has ever been at- 
tempted. The fullest lists will be found in Stanley Lane- 
Poole's ^^ Notes for a Bibliography of Swift," in the 
^Bibliographer^ 1884, vol. vi, pp. 1 60-1 71 (which con- 
tains helpful notes and references to the locations of some 
i of the early and rare editions), and the careful bibliog- 
raphy appended to Leslie Stephen's article on Swift in 
the Dictionary of National Biography. The following 
j titles of original editions — to which I have not had 
i access — are taken mainly from these two lists. 

The selections in the present volume, except the Tale 
i of a Tub and the Battle of the Books ^ which appeared 
1 together, were all originally separate publications. The 
' following are the first editions : 

(i) ^ Tale of a Tub, written for the universal improve- 
\ment of mankind ; to which is added an account of a battle 
I between the ancient and modern books in^St. fames* s Library, 
j London, 1704. 

I Two editions appeared in this year. The first is very 

I rare, and is not found in the British Museum ; copies are, 

I however, at the Bodleian and at Trinity College, Dublin, 

I The volume contain^, besides the contents indicated on 

I the title-page, *^ A Discourse on the Mechanical Opera- 

I tion of the Spirit." In 1705 William Wotton published 

with his Defense of the Reflections upon Ancient and Mod- 

' em Learning * ^ Observations on the Tale of a Tub," 

I in which, fearing that its mischievous character might be 

i overlooked, he carefully explained the allegory of the 

Tale of a Tub in order to show it in its full force. Swift 

more than met this attack by turning Wotton 's scholarly 

i xlv 



xlvi BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE. 

explanations into notes for the fifth edition, 1710, and by 
a curious irony Swift's bitterest assailant has thus fur- 
nished the basis for all subsequent annotation of the 
Tale of a Tub. Wotton's '' observations" have appeared 
in all the annotated editions and are the source of the 
notes credited to him in the present volume. 

(2) Alt Argument to prove that the abolishing 0/ Chris- 
tianity in England may, as things now stand, be attended^ 
with some inconveniences, and perhaps not produce the good 
effects proposed thereby. London, 1708. 

(3) ^ Letter to the Whole People of Ireland, by M. B., 
D rapier. Dublin, 1724. 

(4) ^ Modest Proposal for preventing the children of the 
poor from beijtg a burden to their parents or country^ and 
for 7?iaking them beneficial to the public. Dublin, 1729. ,^^ 

(5) A complete Collection of genteel and ingenious con- 
versation, according to the most polite mode and method now 
used at court, and in the best companies of England. Li 
three dialogues. By Simon Wagstaff, Esq. London, 

1738. 

Numerous partial collections of Swift's writings were 
published during his lifetime. For a fairly complete list 
see Lane-Poole's notes, referred to above. 

Of collections published after his death, the first, which 
approaches completeness, was edited by Hawkesworth, 
with notes and a life of Swift, and published in twelve 
volumes in 1755. Later volumes, thirteen in number, 
were added to this edition, from 1762 to 1779, by Bowyer, 
Deane Swift, Hawkesworth, and Nichols. This was suc- 
ceeded in 1785 by an edition in seventeen volumes by 
Thomas Sheridan. Nichols brought out an edition in 
nineteen volumes in 180 1. In 18 14 appeared Sir Walter'] 
Scott's first edition, in nineteen volumes, with a second, j 
in 1824, which is still the standard edition of Swift. It j 
includes Scott's life of Swift, and, besides Scott's com-tl 
mentary, selected notes from earlier annotators, — Wot-'l 
ton, Hawkesworth, Sheridan, Nichols, and others,-— which 



I BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE, xlvil 

have often been drawn on for the notes in the present 

volume. Roscoe's two-volume edition of 1849 is hardly 

' readable on account of the print. In 1883 Scott's edition 

was reprinted. A new edition by Temple Scott is now 

: being published in the Bohn Library series, eight vol- 

1 umes having appeared up to the present time. Craik's 

!• Selections from Swift, 1892, in two volumes, gives many 

more selections than could be included in the present vol- 

j ume, and will be found to contain all that is of much 

j interest to any but the special student of Swift. 

The original sources of information for the life of Swift 
are, in the first place, his works and correspondence; 
and, in the second place, the early essays and biographies : 
Lord Orrery's Remarks upon the Lfe and Writings of 
fonathan Swift (1751) ; Dr. Delany's Observations upon 
Lord Orrery s Remarks (1754) ; Deane Swift's j£Vj^<2>' upon 
the Life, Writings, and Character of Dr. fonathan Swift 
(1755) ; Dr. Hawkesworth's Life (1755) ; and Thomas 
Sheridan's Life (1785). All these contemporary waiters, 
except Hawkesworth, possessed some direct and personal 
knowledge of Swift. Dr. Johnson's account of Swift in 
the Lives of the Poets (1781) is slight and colored by 
Johnson's unaccountable prejudice. Scott's Life (1814) 
is characterized by readableness rather than accuracy, but, 
like his annotation of Swift, collects into satisfactory form 
the work of earlier biographers. William Monck Mason 
included in his History of St. Patrick's (18 19) an ex- 
tended account of Swift's life. In 1875 John Forster 
published the first volume oi d. Life of Swift which was 
not completed at his death and comes dow^n only to 1 7 1 1 . 
The latest and most reliable life is Craik's (1885). For 
shorter accounts the reader is referred to the very good 
llife by Leslie Stephen in the '^English Men of Letters " 
j series, and to the sketch by the same writer in the Dic- 
;,. tionary of National Biography , Churton CoWm'^'' s fonathan 
j Swift y a Biographical and Critical Study ^ should also be 
consulted. 



SELECTIONS FROM SWIFT 
H Uale of a XTub 

WRITTEN FOR THE UNIVERSAL IMPROVEMENT OF 
MANKIND 

Diu multumque desideratum 

Sect. II. 

Once upon a time, there was a man v^ho had 
three sons by one wife, and all at a birth; neither 
could the midwife tell certainly, which was the 
eldest. Their father died while they were young; 

5 and upon his death-bed, calling the lads to him, 
spoke thus : 

" Sons; because I have purchased no estate, nor 
was born to any, I have long considered of some 
good legacies to bequeath you; and at last, with 

o much care, as well as expense, have provided each 
of you (here they are) a new coat. Now, you are 
to understand, that these coats have two virtues 
contained in them; one is, that with good wearing, 
they will last you fresh and sound as long as you 

5 live : the other is, that they will grow in the same 
proportion with your bodies, lengthening and 
widening of themselves, so as to be always fit 



2 A TALE OF A TUB 

Here; let me see them on you before I die. So; 
very well; pray, children, wear them clean, and 
brush them often. You will find in, my will (here 
it is) full instructions in every particular concerning 
the wearing and management of your coats; wherein 5 
you must be very exact, to avoid the penalties I 
have appointed for every transgression or neglect, 
upon which your future fortunes will entirely de- 
pend. I have also commanded in my will, that you 
should live together in one house like brethren and 10 
friends, for then you will be sure to thrive, and not 
otherwise." 

Here the story says, this good father died, and 
the three sons went all together to seek their for- 
tunes. 15 

I shall not trouble you with recounting what ad- 
ventures they met for the first seven years, any 
farther than by taking notice, that they carefully ob- 
served their father's will, and kept their coats in 
very good order: that they travelled through sev- 20 
eral countries, encountered a reasonable quantity of 
giants, and slew certain dragons. 

Being now arrived at the proper age for pro- 
ducing themselves, they came up to town, and fell 
in love with the ladies, but especially three, who 25 
about that time were in chief reputation; the 
Duchess d' Argent, Madame de Grands Titres, and 
the Countess d'Orgueil. On their first appearance, 
our three adventurers met with a very bad recep- 
tion; and soon with great sagacity guessing out 30 
the reason, they quickly began to improve in the 



A TALE OF A TUB 3 

good qualities of the town: they writ, and ralHed, 
and rhymed, and sung, and said, and said nothing: 
they drank, and fought, and slept, and swore, and 
took snuff: they went to new plays on the first 

5 night, haunted the chocolate houses, beat the watch, 
and lay on bulks: they bilked hackney-coachmen, 
and ran in debt with shopkeepers: they killed 
bailiffs, kicked fiddlers down stairs, eat at Locket's, 
loitered at Will's: they talked of the drawing- 

loroom, and never came there: dined with lords they 
never saw: whispered a duchess, and spoke never 
a word: exposed the scrawls of their laundress for 
billetdoux of quality: came ever just from court, 
and were never seen in it: attended the levee sub 

15 dio: got a list of peers by heart in one company, 
and with great familiarity retailed them in another. 
Above all, they constantly attended those commit- 
tees of senators, who are silent in the house, and 
loud in the coffee-house; where they nightly ad- 

2ojourn to chew the cud of politics, and are encom- 
passed with a ring of disciples, who lie in wait to 
catch up their droppings. The three brothers had 
acquired forty other qualifications of the like stamp, 
too tedious to recount, and by consequence, were 

25 justly reckoned the most accomplished persons in 
the town: but all would not suffice, and the ladies 
aforesaid continued still inflexible. To clear up 
which difficulty I must, with the reader's good leave 
and patience, have recourse to some points of 

30 weight, which the authors of that age have not suf- 
ficiently illustrated. 



4 A TALE OF A TUB 

For, about this time it happened a sect arose, 
whose tenets obtained and spread very far, espe- 
cially in the grand monde, and among everybody of 
good fashion. They worshipped a sort of idol, who, 
as their doctrine delivered, did daily create men by 5 
a kind of manufactory operation. This idol they 
placed in the highest part of the house, on an altar 
erected about three foot : he was shewn in the pos- 
ture of a Persian emperor, sitting on a superficies^ 
with his legs interwoven under him. This god had a to 
goose for his ensign: whence it is that some learned 
men pretend to deduce his original from Jupiter 
Capitolinus. At his left hand, beneath the altar, 
Hell seemed to open, and catch at the animals the 
idol was creating; to prevent which, certain of his 15 
priests hourly flung in pieces of the uninformed 
mass, or substance, and sometimes whole limbs al- 
ready enlivened, which that horrid gulf insatiably 
swallowed, terrible to behold. The goose was held 
a subaltern divinity or deus minorum gentium, before 20 
whose shrine was sacrificed that creature whose 
hourly food is human gore, and who is in so great 
renown abroad for being the delight and favourite 
of the Egyptian Cercopithecus. Millions of these 
animals were cruelly slaughtered every day to ap- 25 
pease the hunger of that consuming deity. The 
chief idol was also worshipped as the inventor of 
the yard and needle; whether as the god of seamen, 
or on account of certain other mystical attributes, 
has not been sufficiently cleared. 30 

The worshippers of this deity had also a systt'V, 



A TALE OF A TUB 5 

of their belief, which seemed to turn upon the fol- 
lowing fundamentals. They held the universe to 
be a large suit of clothes, which invests everything: 
that the earth is invested by the air; the air is in- 
5 vested by the stars ; and the stars are invested by 
the primum mobile. Look on this globe of earth, 
you will find it to be a very complete and fashionable 
dress. What is that which some call land, but a 
fine coat faced with green? or the sea, but a waist- 

locoat of water-tabby? Pro'ceed to the particular 
works of the creation, you will find how curious 
journeyman Nature has been, to trim up the vege- 
table beaux; observe how sparkish a periwig adorns 
the head of a beech, and what a fine doublet of white 

15 satin is worn by the birch. To conclude from all, 
what is man himself but a micro-coat, or rather a 
complete suit of clothes with all its trimmings? as 
to his body, there can be nO' dispute: but examine 
even the acquirements of his mind, you will find 

20 them all contribute in their order towards furnish- 
ing out an exact- dress: to instance no more; is 
not religion a cloak; honesty a pair of shoes worn 
out in the dirt; self-love a surtout; vanity a shirt; 
and conscience a pair of breeches. 

25 These postulata being admitted, it will follow in 
due course of reasoning, that those beings, which 
the world calls improperly suits of clothes, are in 
reality the most refined species of animals; or, to 
proceed higher, that they are rational creatures, 

30 or men. For, is it not manifest, that they live, and 
move, and talk, and perform all other offices of 



6 A TALE OF A TUB 

human life? are not beauty, and wit, and mien, and 
breeding, their inseparable proprieties? in short, we 
see nothing but them, hear nothing but them. Is 
it not they who walk the streets, fill up parlia- 
ment-, coffee-, play-houses? It is true, indeed, that 5 
these animals, which are vulgarly called suits of 
clothes, or dresses, do, according to certain compo- 
sitions, receive different appellations. If one of 
them be trimmed up with a gold chain, and a red 
gown, and a white rod, and a great horse, it is lo 
called a lord-mayor: if certain ermines and furs be 
placed in a certain position, we style them a judge; 
and so an apt conjunction of lawn and black satin 
we entitle a bishop. 

Others of these professors, though agreeing in 15 
the main system, were yet more refined upon cer- 
tain branches of it ; and held, that man was an ani- 
mal compounded of two dresses, the natural and 
celestial suit, which were the body and the soul: 
that the soul was the outward, and the body the in- 20 
ward clothing; that the latter was ex tr advice] but 
the former of daily creation and circumfusion; this 
last they proved by scripture, because in them we 
live, and move, and have our being; as likewise by 
philosophy, because they are all in all, and all in 25 
every part. Besides, said they, separate these two, 
and you will find the body to be only a senseless 
unsavoury carcase. By all which it is manifest, that 
the outward dress must needs be the soul. 

To this system of religion, were tagged several 30 
subaltern doctrines, which were entertained with 



A TALE OF A TUB 7 

great vogue; as particularly, the faculties of the 
mind were deduced by the learned among them in 
this manner; embroidery, was sheer wit; gold 
fringe, was agreeable conversation; gold lace, was 

I 5 repartee; a huge long periwig, was humour; and 

I a coat full of powder, was very good raillery: all 
which required abundance of finesse and delicatesse 
to manage with advantage, as well as a strict ob- 
servance after times and fashions. 

10 I have, with much pains and reading, collected 
out of ancient authors, this short summary of a 
body of philosophy and divinity, which seems to 
have been composed by a vein and race of think- 
ing, very different from any other systems either an- 

15 cient or modern. And it was not merely to enter- 
tain or satisfy the reader's curiosity, but rather to 
give him light into several circumstances of the fol- 
lowing story; that knowing the state of dispositions 
and opinions in an age so remote, he may better 

2o comprehend those great events, which were the 
issue of them. I advise therefore the courteous 
reader to peruse with a world of application, again 
and again, whatever I have written upon this mat- 
ter. And leaving these broken ends, I carefully 

25 gather up the chief thread of my story and proceed. 
These opinions, therefore, were so universal, as 
well as the practices of them, among the refined 
part of court and town, that our three brother- 
adventurers, as their circumstances then stood, 

30 were strangely at a loss. For, on the one side, the 
three ladies they addressed themselves to, whom 



8 A TALE OF A TUB 

we have named already, were at the very top of the 
fashion, and abhorred all that were below it the 
breadth of a hair. On the other side, their father's 
will was very precise, and it was the main precept in 
it, with the greatest penalties annexed, not to add 5 
to, or diminish from their coats one thread, with- 
out a positive command in the will. Now, the coats 
their father had left them were, it is true, of very 
good cloth, and, besides, so neatly sewn, you would 
swear they were all of a piece; but, at the same 10 
time, very plain, and with little or no ornament: and 
it happened, that before they were a month in town, 
great shoulder-knots came up; straight all the world 
was shoulder-knots; no approaching the ladies' 
ruelles without the quota of shoulder-knots. That 15 
fellow, cries one, has no soul ; where is his shoulder- 
knot? Our three brethren soon discovered their 
want by sad experience, meeting in their walks with 
forty mortifications and indignities. If they went 
to the play-house, the door-keeper shewed them 20 
into the twelve-penny gallery. If they called a boat, 
says a waterman, I am first sculler. If they stepped 
to the Rose to take a bottle, the drawer would cry, 
Friend, we sell no ale. If they went to visit a lady, 
a footman met them at the door, with. Pray send 25 
up your message. In this unhappy case, they went 
immediately to consult their father's will, read it 
over and over, but not a word of the shoulder-knot: 
what should they do? what temper should they 
find? obedience was absolutely necessary, and yet 30 
shoulder-knots appeared extremely requisite. After 



A TALE OF A TUB 9 

much thought, one of the brothers, who happened 
to be more book-learned than the other two, said, 
he had found an expedient. It is true, said he, there 
is nothing here in this will, totidem verbis, making 
5 mention of shoulder-knots: but I dare conjecture, 
we may find them inclusive^ or totidem syllabis. 
This distinction was immediately approved by all; 

. and so they fell again to examine the will; but 
their evil star had so directed the matter, that the 

10 first syllable was not to be found in the whole writ- 
ings. Upon which disappointment, he, who found 
the former evasion, took heart, and said. Brothers, 
there are yet hopes; for though we cannot find 
them totidem verbis, nor totidem syllabis, I dare en- 

15 gage we shall make them out, tertio modo, or totidem 
Uteris. This discovery was also highly commended, 
upon which they fell once more to the scrutiny, and 
picked out s,h,o,u,l,d,e,r; when the same planet, 
enemy to their repose, had wonderfully contrived, 

2othat a K was not to be found. Here was a weighty 
difficulty! but'the distinguishing brother, for whom 
we shall hereafter find a name, now his hand was 
in, proved by a very good argument, that k was a 
modern, illegitimate letter, unknown to the learned 

25 ages, nor anywhere to be found in ancient manu- 
scripts. 'Tis true said he, Calendse hath in q. v. c. 
been sometimes written with a k, but erroneously; 
for, in the best copies, it has ever been spelt with 
a c. And, by consequence, it was a gross mistake 

30 in our language to spell knot with a k; but that 
from henceforward, he would take care it should 



lO A TALE OF A TUB 

be written with a c. Upon this all farther difficulty 
vanished; shoulder-knots were made clearly out to 
be jure paterno: and our three gentlemen swag- 
gered with as large and as flaunting ones as the 
best. But, as human happiness is of a very short 5 
duration,, so in those days were human fashions, 
upon which it entirely depends. Shoulder-knots 
had their time, and we must now imagine them in 
their decline; for a certain lord came just from 
Paris, with fifty yards of gold lace upon his coat, lo 
exactly trimmed after the court fashion of that 
month. In two days all mankind appeared closed 
up in bars of gold lace : whoever durst peep abroad 
without his complement of gold lace, was ill re- 
ceived among the women: what should our tliree 15 
knights do in this momentous affair? They had 
sufficiently strained a point already in the affair of 
shoulder-knots: upon recourse to the will, noth- 
ing appeared there but altum silentium. That of 
the shoulder-knots was a loose, flying, circum- 20 
stantial point; but this of gold lace seemed too 
considerable an alteration without better warrant; 
it did aliqtio modo essentice adhcerere, and therefore 
required a positive precept. But about this time it 
fell out, that the learned brother aforesaid had read 25 
Aristotelis dialectica, and especially that wonderful 
piece de interpretatione, which has the faculty of 
teaching its readers to find out a meaning in every- 
thing but itself; like commentators on the Revela- 
tions, who proceed prophets without understanding 30 
a syllable of the text. Brothers, said he, you are 



A TALE OF A TUB II 

to be informed, that of wills duo sunt genera, nun- 
cupatory and scriptory; that in the scriptory will' 
here before us, there is no precept or mention about 
gold lace, eonceditur: but, si idem affirmetur de nun- 
5 cupatorio, negatur. For, brothers, if you remember, 
we heard a fellow say, when we were boys, that he 
heard my father's man say, that he heard my father 
say, that he would advise his sons to get gold lace 
on their coats, as soon as ever they could procure 

10 money to buy it. By G — ! that is very true, cried 
the other; I remember it perfectly well, said the 
third. And so without more ado got the largest 
gold lace in the parish, and walked about as fine 
as lords. 

15 A while after there came up all in fashion a 
pretty sort of fliame-coloured satin for linings ; and 
the mercer brought a pattern of it immediately to 
our three gentlemen: An please your worships, 
said he, my Lord C and Sir J. W. had linings 

20 out of this very piece last night; it takes wonder- 
fully, and I shall not have a remnant left enough 
to make my wife a pin-cushion, by to-morrow 
morning at ten o'clock. Upon this, they fell again' 
to rummage the will, because the present case also 

25 required a positive precept, the lining being held by 
orthodox writers to be of the essence of the coat. 
After long search, they could fix upon nothing to 
the matter in hand, except a short advice of their 
father in the will, to take care of fire, and put out 

30 their candles before they went to sleep. This, 
though a good deal for the purpose, and helping 



12 A TALE OP A TUB 

very far towards self-conviction, yet not seeming 
wholly of force to establish a command; (being 
resolved to avoid farther scruple, as well as future 
occasion for scandal,) says he that was the scholar, 
I remember to have read in wills of a codicil an- 5 
nexed, which is indeed a part of the will, and what 
it contains has equal authority with the rest. Now, 
I have been considering of this same will here be- 
fore us, and I cannot reckon it to be complete for 
want of such a codicil : I will therefore fasten one 10 
in its proper place very dexterously: I have had it 
by me some time; it was written by a dog-keeper 
of my grandfather's, and talks a great deal, as good 
luck would have it, of this very flame-coloured 
satin. The project was immediately approved by 15 
the other two; an old parchment scroll was tagged 
on according to art, in the form of a codicil an- 
nexed, and the satin bought and worn. 

Next winter a player, hired for the purpose by 
the corporation of fringe-makers^ acted his part in 20 
a new comedy, all covered with silver fringe, and, 
according to the laudable custom, gave rise to that 
fashion. Upon which the brothers, consulting 
their father's will, to their great astonishment 
found these words; item^ I charge and command 25 
my said three sons to wear no sort of silver fringe 
upon or about their said coats, &c., with a penalty, 
in case of disobedience, too long here to insert. 
However, after some pause, the brother so often 
mentioned for his erudition, who was well skilled 30 
in criticisms, had found in a certain author, which 



A TALE OF A TUB 13 

he said should be nameless, that the same word, 
which, in the will, is called fringe, does also signify 
a broom-stick : and doubtless ought to have the 
same interpretation in this paragraph. This an- 
5 other of the brothers disliked, because of that 
epithet silver, which could not, he humbly con- 
ceived, in propriety of speech, be reasonably ap- 
plied to a broom-stick : but it was replied upon 
him, that his epithet was understood in a mytho- 

lo logical and allegorical sense. However, he object- 
ed again, why their father should forbid them to 
wear a broom-stick on their coats, a caution that 
seemed unnatural and impertinent ; upon which he 
was taken up short, as one who spoke irreverently 

15 of a mystery, which doubtless was very useful and 
significant, but ought not to be over-curiously 
pried into, or nicely reasoned upon. And, in short, 
their father's authority being now considerably 
sunk, this expedient was allowed to serve as a law- 

20 ful dispensation for wearing their full proportion of 
silver fringe. , 

A while after was revived an old fashion, long 
antiquated, of embroidery with Indian figures of 
men, women, and children. Here they had no 

25 occasion to examine the will ; they remembered 
but too well how their father had always abhorred 
this fashion; that he made several paragraphs on 
purpose, importing his utter detestation of it, and 
bestowing his everlasting curse to his sons, when- 

30 ever they should wear it. For all this, in a few 
days they appeared higher in the fashion than any- 



14 A TALE OF A TUB 

body else in the town. But they solved the matter 
by saying, that these figures were not at all the 
same with those that were formerly worn, and were 
meant in the will. Besides, they did not wear them 
in the sense as forbidden by their father; but as 5 
they were a commendable custom, and of great use 
to the public. That these rigorous clauses in the 
will did therefore require some allowance, and a 
favourable interpretation, and ought to be under- 
stood cum grano salis, 10 

But fashions perpetually altering in that age, the 
scholastic brother grew weary of searching farther 
evasions, and solving everlasting contradictions. 
Resolved, therefore, at all hazards, to comply with 
the modes of the world, they concerted matters to- 15 
gether, and agreed unanimously to lock up their 
father's will in a strong box, brought out of Greece 
or Italy, I have forgotten which^ and trouble them- 
selves no farther to examine it, but only refer to its 
authority whenever they thought fit. In conse-20 
quence whereof, a while after it grew a general 
mode to wear an infinite number of points, most of 
them tagged with silver : upon which, the scholar 
pronounced ex cathedra^ that points were absolutely 
jure paterno, as they might very well remember. It 25 
is true, indeed, the fashion prescribed somewhat 
more than were directly named in the will; how- 
ever, that they, as heirs-general of their father, had 
power to make and add certain clauses for public 
emolument, though not deducible, totidem verbis, 30 
from the letter of the will, or else multa absurda 



A TALE OF A TUB 15 

sequerentur. This was understood for canonical, 
and therefore, on the following Sunday, they came 
to church all covered with points. 

The learned brother^ so often mentioned, was 
5 reckoned the best scholar in all that, or the next 
street to it; insomuch as,, having run something 
behind-hand in the world, he obtained the favour 
of a certain lord, to receive him into his house, and 
to teach his children. A while after the lord died, 
lo and he, by long practice of his father's will, found 
the way of contriving a deed of conveyance of that 
house to himself and his heirs ; upon which he took 
possession, turned the young squires out, and re- 
ceived his brothers in their stead. 



Sect. IV.— ^ Tale of a Tub. 

15 I have now, with much pains and study, conduct- 
ed the reader to a period, where he must expect to 
hear of great, revolutions. For no sooner had our 
learned brother, so often mentioned, got a warm 
house of his own over his head, than he began to 

20 look big, and take mightily upon him ; insomuch, 
that unless the gentle reader, out of his great can- 
dour, will please a little to exalt his idea, I am 
afraid he will henceforth hardly know the hero of 
the play, when he happens to meet him ; his part, 

25 his dress, and his mien being so much altered. 

He told his brothers, he would have them to 
know that he was their elder, and consequently his 



l6 A TALE OF A TUB 

father's sole heir; nay, a while after, he would not 
allow them to call him brother, but Mr. Peter; and 
then he must be styled Father Peter; and some- 
times, My Lord Peter. To support this grandeur, 
which he soon began to consider could not be 5 
maintained without a better fonde than what he 
was born to ; after much thought, he cast about at 
last to turn projector and virtuoso, wherein he so 
well succeeded, that many famous discoveries, 
projects, and machines^ which bear great vogue and 10 
practice at present in the world, are owing entirely 
to Lord Peter's invention. I will deduce the best 
account I have been able to collect of the chief 
among them, without considering much the order 
they came out in; because, I think, authors are 15 
not well agreed as to that point. 

I hope, when this treatise of mine shall be trans- 
lated into foreign languages (as I may without van- 
ity affirm, that the labour of collecting, the faithful- 
ness in recounting, and the great usefulness of the 20 
matter to the public, will amply deserve that justice) 
that the worthy memb'ers of the several academies 
abroad, especially those of France and Italy, will 
favourably accept these humble offers, for the ad- 
vancement of universal knowledge. I do also 25 
advertise the most reverend fathers, the Eastern 
Missionaries, that I have, purely for their sakes, 
made use of such words and phrases, as will best 
admit an easy turn into any of the oriental lan- 
guages^ especially the Chinese. And so I proceed 30 
with great content of mind, upon reflecting, how 



A TALE OF A TUB 1/ 

much emolument this whole globe of the earth is 
likely to reap by my labours. 

The first undertaking of Lord Peter, was, to pur- 
chase a large continent, lately said to have been 
5 discovered in terra australis incognita. This tract 
of land he bought at a very great penny-worth, 
from the discoverers themselves, (though some 
pretend to doubt whether they had ever been 
there,) and then retailed it into several cantons to 

lo certain dealers, who carried over colonies, but were 
all shipwrecked in the voyage. Upon which Lord 
Peter sold the said continent to other customers 
again, and again, and again, and again, with the 
same success. 

15 The second project I shall mention, was his sove- 
reign remedy for the worms, especially those in 
the spleen. The patient was to eat nothing after 
supper for three nights : as soon as he went to bed, 
he was carefully to lie on one side, and when he 

20 grew weary, to turn upon the other ; he must also 
duly confine his two eyes to the same object. 
These prescriptions diligently observed, the worms 
would void insensibly by perspiration, ascending 
through the brain. 

25 A third invention was the erecting of a whis- 
pering-office, for the pubHc good, and ease of all 
such as are hypochondriacal, or troubled with the 
colic; as midwives, small politicians, friends fallen 
out, repeating poets, lovers happy or in despair, 

30 privy-counsellors, pages, parasites, and bufifoons : 
in short, of all such as are in danger of bursting 



l8 A TALE OF A TUB 

with too much wind. An ass's head was placed so 
conveniently, that the party affected, might easily 
with his mouth accost either of the animal's ears ; 
to which he was to apply close for a certain space, 
and by a fugitive faculty, peculiar to the ears of 5 
that animal, receive immediate benefit, either by 
eructation, or expiration, or evomitation. 

Another very beneficial project of Lord Peter's 
was, an office of insurance for tobacco-pipes, mar- 
tyrs of the modern zeal, volumes of poetry, shad- 10 
ows, — and rivers : that these, nor any of these, 
shall receive damage by fire. Whence our friendly 
societies may plainly find themselves to be only 
transcribers from this original ; though the one and 
the other have been of great benefit to the under- 15 
takers, as well as of equal to the public. 

Lord Peter was also held the original author of 
puppets and raree-shows; the great usefulness 
whereof being so generally known, I shall not en- 
large farther upon this particular. 20 

But another discovery, for which he was much 
renowned, was his famous universal pickle. For, 
having remarked how your common pickle, in use 
among housewives, was of no farther benefit than 
to preserve dead flesh, and certain kinds of vege-25 
tables, Peter, with great cost as well as art, had 
contrived a pickle proper for houses, gardens, 
towns, men, women, children, and cattle ; where'n 
he could preserve them as sound as insects in 
amber. Now, this pickle to the taste, the smell, 30 
and the sight, appeared exactly the same with what 



A TALE OF A TUB 1 9 

is in common service for beef, and butter, and her- 
rings, and has been often that way appHed with 
great success ; but, for its many sovereign virtues, 
was a quite different thing. For Peter would put 
5 in a certain quantity of his powder pimperHm- 
pimp, after which it never failed of success. The 
operation was performed by spargefaction, in a 
proper time of the moon. The patient, who was 
to be pickled, if it were a house, would infallibly be 

lo preserved from all spiders, rats, and weasels; if the 
party affected were a dog, he should be exempt 
from mange, and madness, and hunger. It also 
infallibly took away all scabs, and lice, and scalled 
heads from children, never hindering the patient 

15 from any duty, either at bed or board. 

But of all Peter's rarities, he most valued a cer- 
tain set of bulls, whose race was by great fortune 
preserved in a lineal descent from those that 
guarded the golden fleece. Though some, who 

20 pretended to observe them curiously, doubted the 
breed had not been kept entirely chaste ; because 
they had degenerated from their ancestors in some 
qualities, and had acquired others very extraordi- 
nary, by a foreign mixture. The bulls of Colchis 

25 are recorded to have brazen feet ; but whether it 
happened by ill pasture and running, by an alloy 
from intervention of other parents, from stolen in- 
trigues ; whether a weakness in their progenitors 
had impaired the seminal virtue, or by a decline 

30 necessary through a long course of time, the orig- 
inals of nature being depraved in these latter sinful 



20 A TALE OF A TUB 

ages of the world ; whatever was the cause, it is 
certain, that Lord Peter's bulls were extremely 
vitiated by the rust of time in the metal of their 
feet, which was now sunk into comimon lead. 
However, the terrible roaring, peculiar to their 5 
lineage, was preserved ; as likewise that faculty of 
breathing out fire from their nostrils ; which, not- 
withstanding, many of their detractors took to be 
a feat of art ; to be nothing so terrible as it ap- 
peared ; proceeding only from their usual course 10 
of diet, which was of squibs and crackers. How- 
ever, they had two peculiar marks, which extremely 
distinguished them from the bulls of Jason, and I 
have not met together in the description of any 
other monster^ beside that in Horace : — 15 

'^ Varias inducere plumas; " 

and 

''Atrum desinit in piscem." 

For these had fishes' tails, yet upon occasion could 
outfly any bird in the air. Peter put these bulls 20 
upon several employs. Sometimes he would set 
them a-roaring to fright naughty boys, and make 
them quiet. Sometimes he would send them out 
upon errands of great importance; where, it is won- 
derful to recount, (and perhaps the cautious reader 25 
may think much to believe it,) an appetitus scnsi- 
bilis deriving itself through the whole family from 
their noble ancestors, guardians of the golden 
fleece, they continued so extremely fond cf gold 
that if Peter sent them abroad, though it were only 30 



A TALE OF A TUB 21 

Upon a Gompliment, they would roar, and spit, and 
snivel out fire, and keep a perpetual coil, till you 
flung them a bit of gold; but then, pulvcris exigui 
jactu, they would grow calm and quiet as lambs. 
5 In short, whether by secret connivance, or encour- 
agement from their master, or out of their own 
liquorish affection to gold^ or both, it is certain 
they were no better than a sort of sturdy, swag- 
gering beggars ; and where they could not prevail 

10 to get an alms, would make women miscarry, and 
children fall into fits, who to this very day, usually 
call sprites and hobgoblins by the name of bull- 
beggars. They grew at last so very troublesome 
to the neighbourhood, that some gentlemen of the 

15 north-west got a parcel of right English bull-dogs, 
and baited them so terribly, that they felt it ever 
after. 

I must needs mention one more of Lord Peter's 
projects, which was very extraordinary, and dis- 

20 covered him to be master of a high reach, and pro- 
found invention. Whenever it happened, that any 
rogue of Newgate was condemned to be hanged, 
Peter would offer him a pardon for a certain sum 
of money; which when the poor caitiff had made 

25 all shifts to scrape up, and send, his lordship would 
return a piece of paper in this form. 

" TO all mayors, sheriffs, jailors, constables, 

bailiffs, hangmen, &c. Whereas we are informed, 

that A. B. remains in the hands of you, or some of 

30 you, imder the sentence of death. We will and 



22 A TALE OF A TUB 

command you, upon sight hereof, to let the said 
prisoner depart to his own habitation, whether he 
stands condemned for murder, rape, sacrilege, in- 
cest, treason, blasphemy, &c. for which this shall 
be your sufficient warrant : and if you fail hereof, 5 
G- — d — mn you and yours to all eternity. And so 
we bid you heartily farewell. 

Your most humble 
man's man, 

Emperor PETER. 10 

The wretches, trusting to this, lost their lives and 
money too. 

I desire of those, whom the learned among pos- 
terity will appoint for commentators upon this 
elaborate treatise, that they will proceed with great 15 
caution upon certain dark points, wherein all, who 
are not vere adepti, may be in danger to form rash 
and hasty conclusions, especially in some mysteri- 
ous paragraphs, where certain arcana are joined for 
brevity sake, which in the operation must be 20 
divided. And I am certain, that future sons of art 
will return large thanks to my memory, for so 
grateful, so useful an innuendo. 

It will be no difficult part to persuade the reader, 
that so many worthy discoveries met with great 25 
success in the world; though I may justly assure 
him, that I have related much the smallest number ; 
my design having been only to single out such as 
will be of most benefit for public imitation, or 
which best served to give some idea of the reach 30 



A TALE OF A TUB 23 

and wit of the inventor. And therefore it need not 
be wondered at^ if, by this time, Lord Peter was 
become exceeding rich : but, alas ! he had kept 
his brain so long and so violently upon the rack, 
5 that at last it shook itself, and began to turn round 
for a little ease. In short, what with pride, proj- 
ects, and knavery, poor Peter was grown dis- 
tracted, and conceived the strangest imaginations 
in the world. In the height of his fits, as it is usual 

10 with those who run mad out of pride, he would 
call himself God Almighty, and sometimes monarch 
of the universe. I have seen him (says my author) 
take three old high-crowned hats, and clap them 
all on his head three story high, with a huge bunch 

15 of keys at his girdle, and an angling-rod in his 
hand. In which guise, whoever went to take him 
by the hand in the way of salutation, Peter wdth 
much grace, like a well-educated spaniel^ would 
present them with his foot; and if they refused his 

20 civility, then he would raise it as high as their 
chaps, and give them a damned kick on the mouth, 
which hath ever since been called a salute. Who- 
ever walked by without paying him their compli- 
ments, having a wonderful strong breath, he would 

25 blow their hats off into the dirt. Meantime his 
affairs at home went upside down, and his two 
brothers had a wretched time ; where his first 
boutade was, to kick both their wives one morning 
out of doors, and his own too; and in their stead, 

30 gave orders to pick up the first three strollers that 
could be met with in the streets. A while after he 



24 A TALE OF A TUB 

nailed up the cellar-door; and would not allow his 
brothers a drop of drink to their victuals. Dining 
one day at an alderman's in the city, Peter ob- 
served him expatiating, after the manner of his 
brethren, in the praises of his sirloin of beef. Beef, 5 
said the sage magistrate, is the king of meat; beef 
comprehends in it the quintessence of partridge, 
and quail, and venison, and pheasant, and plum- 
pudding, and custard. When Peter came home, 
he would needs take the fancy of cooking up this 10 
doctrine into use, and apply the precept, in default 
of a sirloin, to his brown loaf : Bread, says he, dear 
brothers, is the staff of life ; in which bread is con- 
tained, inclusive, the quintessence of beef, mutton, 
veal, venison, partridge, plum-pudding, and cus- 15 
tard : and, to render all complete, there is inter- 
mingled a due quantity of water, whose crudities 
are also corrected by yeast or barm ; through 
which means it becomes a wholesome fermented 
liquor, diffused through the mass of the bread. 20 
Upon the strength of these conclusions, next day 
at dinner, was the brown loaf served up in all the 
formality of a city feast. Come, brothers, said 
Peter, fall to, and spare not ; here is excellent good 
mutton; or hold, now my hand is in, I will help 25 
you. At which word, in much ceremony, with 
fork and knife, he carves out two good slices of a 
loaf, and presents each on a plate to his brothers. 
The elder of the two, not suddenly entering into 
Lord Peter's conceit, began with very civil Ian- 30 
guage to examine the mystery. My lord, said he, 



A TALE OF A TUB 2^ 

I doubt, with great submission, there may be some 
mistake. What, says Peter, you are pleasant; 
come then, let us hear this jest your head is so big 
with. None in the world, my lord; but, unless I 
5 am very much deceived, your lordship was pleased 
a while ago to let fall a word about mutton, and I 
would be glad to see it with all my heart. How, 
said Peter appearing in great surprise, I do not 
comprehend this at all. — Upon which, the younger 

lo interposing to set the business aright; My lord, 
said he, my brother, I suppose, is hungry, and 
longs for the mutton your lordship hath promised 
us to dinner. Pray, said Peter, take me along with 
you; either you are both mad, or disposed to be 

15 merrier than I approve of; if you there do not like 
your piece, I will carve you another : though I 
should take that to be the choice bit of the whole 
shoulder. What then, my lord, replied the first, 
it seems this is a shoulder of mutton all this while? 

20 Pray, sir, says Peter, eat your victuals, and leave 
off your impertinence, if you please, for I am not 
disposed to relish it at present : but the other could 
not forbear, being over-provoked at the affected 
seriousness of Peter's countenance : By G — , my 

25 lord, said he, I can only say, that to my eyes, and 
fingers, and teeth, and nose, it seems to be nothing 
but a crust of bread. Upon which the second put 
in his word : I never saw a piece of mutton in my 
life so nearly resembling a slice from a twelve- 

30 penny loaf. Look ye, gentlemen, cries Peter in a 
rage, to convince you what a couple of blind, posi- 



26 A TALE OF A TUB 

tive, ignorant, wilful puppies you are, I will use but 
this plain argument ; by G — , it is true, good, natu- 
ral mutton as any in Leadenhall market; and G — 
confound you both eternally, if you offer to be- 
lieve otherwise. Such a thundering proof as this 5 
left no farther room for objection; the two unbe- 
lievers began to gather and pocket up their mistake 
as hastily as they could. Why, truly, said the first, 
upon more mature consideration — Ay, says the 
other, interrupting him, now I have thought better 10 
on the thing, your lordship seems to have a great 
deal of reason. Very well, said Peter; here, boy, 
fill me a beer-glass of claret; here's to you both, 
with all my heart. The two brethren, much de- 
lighted to see him so readily appeased, returned 15 
their most humble thanks, and said they would be 
glad to pledge his lordship. That you shall, said 
Peter; I am not a person to refuse you anything 
that is reasonable : wine, moderately taken, is a cor- 
dial ; here is a glass a-piece for you ; it is true natu- 20 
ral juice from the grape, none of your damned vint- 
ner's brewings. Having spoken thus^ he presented 
to each of them another large dry crust, bidding 
them drink it off, and not be bashful, for it would 
do them no hurt. The two brothers, after having 25 
performed the usual office in such delicate con- 
junctures, of staring a sufficient period at Lord 
Peter and each other, and finding how matters 
were likely to go, resolved not to enter on a new 
dispute, but let him carry the point as he pleased : 30 
for he was now got into one of his mad fits, and to 



A TALE OF A TUB 2*] 

argue or expostulate farther, would only serve to 
render him a hundred times more untractable. 

I have chosen to relate this worthy matter in all 
its circumstances, because it gave a principal occa- 
5 sion to that great and famous rupture, which hap- 
pened about the same time among these brethren, 
and was never afterwards made up. But of that I 
shall treat at large in another section. 

However, it is certain, that Lord Peter, even in 

lo his lucid intervals, was very lewdly given in his 
common conversation^ extreme wilful and positive, 
and would at any time rather argue to the death, 
•than allow himself once to be in an error. Besides, 
he had an abominable faculty of telling huge pal- 

15 pable lies upon all occasions ; and not only swearing 
to the truth, but cursing the whole company to 
hell, if they pretended to make the least scruple of 
believing him. One time he swore he had a cow 
at home, which gave as much milk at a meal, as 

20 would fill three thousand churches ; and what was 
yet more extraordinary, would never turn sour. 
Another time he was telling of an old sign-post, 
that belonged to his father, with nails and timber 
enough in it to build sixteen large men of war. 

25 Talking one day of Chinese waggons, which were 
made so light as to sail over mountains, Z — ds, 
said Peter, where's the wonder of that ? by G — , I 
saw a large house of lime and stone travel over sea 
and land, (granting that it stopped sometimes to 

30 bait,) above two thousand German leagues. And 
that which was the good of it, he would swear des- 



28 A TALE OF A TUB 

perately all the while, that he never told a lie in his 
life; and at every word; by G — , gentlemen, I tell 
you nothing but the truth : and the D — 1 broil them 
eternally, that will not believe me. 

In short, Peter grew so scandalous, that all the 5 
neighbourhood began in plain words to say, he was 
no better than a knave. And his two brothers, 
long weary of his ill-usage, resolved at last to leave 
him; but first, they humbly desired a copy of their 
father's will, which had now lain by neglected time lo 
out of mind. Instead of granting this request, he 
called them damned sons of whores, rogues, trait- 
ors, and the rest of the vile names he could muster 
up. However, while he was abroad one day upon 
his projects, the two youngsters watched their 15 
opportunity, made a shift to come at the will, and 
took a copia vera, by which they presently saw how 
grossly they had been abused; their father having 
left them equal heirs, and strictly commanded, that 
whatever they got, should lie in common among 20 
them all. Pursuant to which, their next enterprise 
was, to break open the cellar-door, and get a little 
good drink, to spirit and comfort their hearts. In 
copying the will, they had met another precept 
against whoring, divorce, and separate mainte- 25 
nance ; upon which their next work was to discard 
their concubines, and send for their wives. While 
all this was in agitation, there enters a solicitor 
from Newgate, desiring Lord Peter would please 
procure a pardon for a thief that was to be hanged 30 
to-morrow. But the two brothers told him, he was 



A TALE OF A TUB 29 

a coxcomb to seek pardons from a fellow who de- 
served to be hanged much better than his client; 
and discovered all the method of that imposture^ 
in the same form I delivered it a while ago, advis- 

5 ing the solicitor to put his friend upon obtaining a 
pardon from the king. In the midst of all this 
clutter and revolution, in comes Peter with a file of 
dragoons at his heels, and gathering from all hands 
what was in the wind, he and his gang, after sev- 

10 eral millions of scurrilities and curses, not very 
important here to repeat, by main force very fairly 
kicked them both out of doors, and would never 
let them come. under his roof from that day to this. 

Sect. VI. — A Tale of a Tub. 

We left Lord Peter in open rupture with his two 
15 brethren; both for ever discarded from his house, 
and resigned to the wide world, with little or 
nothing to trust to. Which are circumstances that 
render them proper subjects for the charity of a 
writer's pen to work on; scenes of misery ever 
20 affording the fairest harvest for great adventures. 
And in this, the world may perceive the difference 
between the integrity of a generous author and that 
of a common friend. The latter is observed to 
adhere close in prosperity, but on the decline of 
25 fortune, to drop suddenly off. Whereas the gen- 
erous author, just on the contrary, finds his hero 
on the dunghill, from thence by gradual steps raises 
him to a throne, and then immediately withdraws. 



30 A TALE OF A TUB 

expecting not so much as thanks for his pains ; in 
imitation of which example, I have placed Lord 
Peter in a noble house, given him a title to wear, 
and money to spend. There I shall leave him for 
some time ; returning where common charity directs 5 
me, to the assistance of his two brothers, at their 
lowest ebb. However, I shall by no means forget 
my character of an historian to follow the truth step 
by step, whatever happens, or wherever it may lead 
me. 10 

The two exiles, so nearly united in fortune and 
interest, took a lodging together; where, at their 
first leisure, they began to reflect on the numberless 
misfortunes and vexations of their past life, and 
could no't tell on the sudden, to what failure in their 15 
conduct they ought to impute them : when, after 
some recollection, they called to mind the copy of 
their father's will, which they had so happily recov- 
ered. This was immediately produced, and a firm 
resolution taken between them, to alter whatever 20 
was already amiss, and reduce all their future 
measures to the strictest obedience prescribed there- 
in. The main body of the will (as the reader can- 
not easily have forgot) consisted in certain admir- 
able rules about the wearing of their coats ; in the 25 
perusal whereof, the two brothers, at every period, 
duly comparing the doctrine with the practice, 
there was never seen a wider difference between 
two things; horrible downright transgressions of 
every point. Upon which they both resolved, 30 
without further delay, to fall immediately upon re- 



A TALE OF A TUB 31 

ducing the whole, exactly after their father's model. 
But, here it is good to stop the hasty reader, 
ever impatient to see the end of an adventure, be- 
fore we writers can duly prepare him for it. I am 
5 to record, that these two brothers began to be dis- 
tinguished at this time by certain names. One of 
them desired to be called Martin, and the other 
took the appellation of Jack. These two had lived 
in much friendship and agreement^ under the 

10 tyranny of their brother Peter, as it is the talent 
of fellow-sufferers to 4o; men in misfortune, being 
like men in the dark, to whom all colours are the 
same : but when they came forward into the world, 
and began to display themselves to each other, and 

15 to the light, their complexions appeared extremely 
different ; which the present posture of their affairs 
gave them sudden opportunity to discover. 

But, here the severe reader may justly tax me as 
a writer of short memory, a deficiency to which a 

20 true modern cannot but, of necessity, be a little 
subject. Because, memory being an employment 
of the mind upon things past, is a faculty for which 
the learned in our illustrious age have no manner 
of occasion, who deal entirely with invention, and 

25 strike all things out of themselves, or at least by 
collision from each other : upon which account, we 
think it highly reasonable to produce our great for- 
getfulness, as an argument unanswerable for our 
great wit. I ought in method to have informed 

30 the reader^ about fifty pages ago, of a fancy Lord 
Peter took, and infused into his brothers, to wear 



32 A TALE OF A TUB 

on their coats whatever trimmings came up in 
fashion ; never pulHng off any, as they went out of 
the mode, but keeping on all together, which 
amounted in time to a medley the most antic you 
can possibly conceive; and this to a degree, that 5 
upon the time of their falling out, there was hardly 
a thread of the original coat to be seen : but an in- 
finite quantity of lace and ribbons, and fringe, and 
embroidery, and points ; I mean only those tagged 
with silver, for the rest fell off. Now this material 10 
circumstance having been forgot in due place, as 
good fortune hath ordered, comes in very properly 
here, when the two brothers are just going to re- 
form their vestures into the primitive state, pre- 
scribed by their father's will. 15 

They both unanimously entered upon this great 
work, looking sometimes on their coats, and some- 
times on the will. Martin laid the first hand; at 
one twitch brought off a large handful of points; 
and, with a second pull, stripped away ten dozen 20 
yards of fringe. But when he had gone thus far, 
he demurred a while : he knew very well there yet 
remained a great deal more to be done; however, 
the first heat being over, his violence began to cool, 
and he resolved to proceed more moderately in the 25 
rest of the work ; having already narrowly escaped 
a swinging rent in pulling off the points, which, 
being tagged with silver (as we have observed be- 
fore) the judicious workman had, with much saga- 
city, double sewn, to preserve them from falling. 30 
Resolving therefore to rid his coat of a huge quan- 



A TALE OF A TUB 33 

tity of gold-lace, he picked up the stitches with 
much caution, and diligently gleaned out all the 
loose threads as he went, which proved to be a work 
of time. Then he fell about the embroidered In- 
5 dian figures of men, women, and children; against 
which, as you have heard in its due place, their 
father's testament was extremely exact and severe : 
these, with much dexterity and application, were, 
after a while, quite eradicated, or utterly defaced. 

lo For the rest, where he observed the embroidery to 
be worked so close, as not to be got away without 
damaging the cloth, or where it served to hide or 
strengthen any flaw in the body of the coat, con- 
tracted by the perpetual tampering of workmen 

15 upon it ; he concluded, the wisest course was to let 
it remain, resolving in no case whatsoever, that the 
substance of the stufif should sufifer injury ; which he 
thought the best method for serving the true intent 
and meaning of his father's will. And this is the 

20 nearest account I have been able to collect of Mar- 
tin's proceedings upon this great revolution. 

But his brother Jack, whose adventures will be 
so extraordinary, as to furnish a great part in the 
remainder of this discourse, entered upon the mat- 

25 ter with other thoughts, and a quite different spirit. 
For the memory of Lord Peter's injuries, produced 
a degree of hatred and spite, which had a much 
greater share of inciting him, than any regards 
after his father's commands ; since these appeared, 

30 at best, only secondary and subservient to the 
other. However, for this medley of humour, he 



34 A TALE OF A TUB 

made a shift to find a very plausible name, honour- 
ing it with the title of zeal; which is perhaps the 
most significant word that hath been ever yet pro- 
duced in any language; as, I think, I have fully 
proved in my excellent analytical discourse upon 5 
that subject; wherein I have deduced a histori- 
theo-physi-logical account of zeal, shewing how it 
first proceeded from a notion into a word, and 
thence, in a hot sumimer, ripened into a tangible 
substance. This work, containing three large vol- 10 
umes in folio, I design very shortly to publish by 
the modern way of subscription^ not doubting but 
the nobility and gentry of the land will give me all 
possible encouragement; having had already such 
a taste of what I am able to perform. 15 

I record, therefore, that brother Jack, brimful of 
this miraculous compound, reflecting with indigna- 
tion upon Peter's tyranny, and farther provoked by 
the despondency of Martin, prefaced his resolutions 
to this purpose. What, said he, a rogue that 20 
locked up his drink, turned away our wives, cheated 
us of our fortunes ; palmed his damned crusts upon 
us for mutton; and, at last, kicked us out of doors; 
must we be in his fashions, with a plague ! a rascal, 
besides, that all the street cries out against. Hav- 25 
ing thus kindled and inflamed himself, as high as 
possible, and by consequence in a delicate temper 
for beginning a reformation, he set about the work 
immediately ; and in three minutes made more dis- 
patch than Martin had done in as many hours. 30 
For, courteous reader, you are given to understand, 



A TALE OF A TUB 35 

that zeal is never so highly obliged, as when you 
set it a-tearing ; and Jack, who doated on that qual- 
ity in himself, allowed it at this time its full swing. 
Thus it happened, that, stripping down a parcel of 
5 gold lace a little too hastily, he rent the main body 
of his coat from top to bottom ; and whereas his 
talent was not of the happiest in taking up a stitch, 
he knew no better way, than to darn it again wilh 
packthread and a skewer. But the matter was yet 

lo infinitely worse (I record it with tears) when he 
proceeded to the embroidery : for, being clumsy by 
nature, and of temper impatient ; withal, beholding 
millions of stitches that required the nicest hand, 
and sedatest constitution, to extricate ; in a great 

15 rage he tore off the whole piece, cloth and all, and 
flung it into the kennel, and furiously thus con- 
tinuing his career : Ah, good brother Martin, said 
he, do as I do, for the love of God ; strip, tear, pull, 
rend, flay off all, that we may appear as unhke the 

20 rogue Peter as it is possible ; I would not, for a 
hundred pounds, carry the least mark about me, 
that might give occasion to the neighbours of sus- 
pecting that I was related to such a rascal. But 
Martin, who at this time happened to be extremely 

25 phlegmatic and sedate, begged his brother, of all 
love, not to damage his coat by any means ; for he 
never would get such another : desired him to con- 
sider, that it was not their business to form their 
actions by any reflection upon Peter, but by ob- 

30 serving the rules prescribed in their father's will 
That he should remember, Peter was still their 



36 ' A TALE OF A TUB 

brother, whatever faults or injuries he had com- 
mitted; and therefore they should, by all means, 
avoid such a thought as that of taking measures 
for good and evil, from no other rule than of oppo- 
sition to him. That it was true, the testament of 5 
their good father was very exact in what related to 
the wearing of their coats : yet it was no less penal 
and strict, in prescribing agreement, and friend- 
ship, and affection between them. And therefore, 
if straining a point were at all dispensable, it would 10 
certainly be so, rather to the advance of unity, than 
increase of contradiction. 

Martin had still proceeded as gravely as he be- 
gan, and doubtless would have delivered an 
admirable lecture of morality, which might have 15 
exceedingly contributed to my reader's repose both 
of body and mind^ (the true ultimate end of ethics) ; 
but Jack was already gone a flight-shot beyond his 
patience. And as in scholastic disputes, nothing 
serves to rouse the spleen of him that opposes, so 20 
much as a kind of pedantic affected calmness in the 
respondent ; disputants being for the most part like 
unequal scales, where the gravity of one side ad- 
vances the lightness of the other, and causes it to 
fly up, and kick the beam : so it happened here that 25 
the weight of Martin's argument exalted Jack's 
levity, and made him fly out, and spurn against his 
brother's moderation. In short, Martin's patience 
put Jack in a rage ; but that which most afflicted 
him, was, to observe his brother's coat so well re- 30 
duced into the state of innocence ; while his owu was 



A TALE OF A TUB 37 

either wholly rent to his shirt ; or those places 
which had escaped his cruel clutches, were still in 
Peter's livery. So that he looked like a drunken 
beau, half rifled by bullies ; or like a fresh tenant of 
5 New^gate, when he has refused the payment of gar- 
nish; or like a discovered shoplifter, left to the 
mercy of Exchange women. Like any, or like all 
of these, a medley of rags, and lace, and rents, and 
fringes, unfortunate Jack did now appear : he 

lo would have been extremely glad to see his coat in 
the condition of Martin's, but infinitely gladder to 
find that of Martin in the same predicament with 
his. However, since neither of these was likely to 
come to pass, he thought fit to lend the whole busi- 

15 ness another turn, and to dress up necessity into a 
virtue. Therefore, after as many of the fox's argu- 
ments as he could muster up, for bringing Martin 
to reason, as he called it; or, as he meant it, into 
his own ragged, bobtailed condition ; and observing 

20 he said all to little purpose; what, alas ! was left for 
the forlorn Jack to do, but, after a million of scur- 
rilities against his brother, to run mad with spleen, 
and spite, and contradiction. To be short, here 
began a mortal breach between these two. Jack 

25 went immediately to new lodgings, and in a few 
days it was for certain reported, that he had run 
out of his wits. In a short time after he appeared 
abroad, and confirmed the report by falling into the 
oddest whimseys that ever a sick brain conceived. 

30 And now the little boys in the streets began to 
salute him with several names. Sometimes they 



38 A TALE OF A TUB 

would call him Jack the bald ; sometimes, Jack with 
a lantern ; sometimes, Dutch Jack; sometimes, 
French Hugh; sometimes^ Tom the beggar; and 
sometimes. Knocking Jack of the north. And it 
was under one, or some, or all of these appellations, 5 
(which I leave the learned reader to determine,) 
that he has given rise to the most illustrious and 
epidemic sect of ^olists; who, with honourable 
commemoration, do still acknowledge the re- 
nowned Jack for their author and founder. Of 10 
whose originals, as well as principles, I am now 
advancing to gratify the world with a very particu- 
lar account. 

Melleo contingens cuncta lepore. 

Sect. XL — A Tale of a Tub. 

After so wide a compass as I have wandered, I 15 
do now gladly overtake, and close in with my sub- 
ject, and shall henceforth hold on with it an even 
pace to the end of my journey, except some beau- 
tiful prospect appears within sight of my way; 
w^hereof though at present I have neither warn- 20 
ing nor expectation, yet upon such an accident, 
come when it will, I shall beg my reader's favour 
and company, allowing me to^ conduct him through 
it along with myself. For in writing it is as in 
travelling; if a man is in haste to be at home, 25 
(which I acknowledge to be none of my case, hav- 
ing never so little business as when I am there,) if 
his horse be tired with long riding and ill ways, or 



I 



A TALE OF A TUB 39 

be naturally a jade, I advise him clearly to make 
the straightest and the commonest road, be it ever 
so dirty: but then surely we must ow^n such a man 
to be a scurvy companion at best; he spatters him- 
5 self and his fellov^-travellers at every step : all their 
thoughts, and wishes, and conversation, turn en- 
tirely upon the subject of their journey's end; and 
at every splash, and plunge, and stumble, they 
heartily wish one another at the devil. 

10 On the other side, when a traveller and his horse 
are in heart and plight; when his purse is full, and 
the day before him; he takes the road only where 
it is clean and 'convenient; entertains his company 
there as agreeably as he can; but, upon the first 

15 occasion, carries them along with him to every de- 
lightful scene in view, whether of art, of nature, or 
of both; and if they chance to refuse, out of stu- 
pidity or weariness, let them jog on by themselves 
and be d n'd; he'll overtake them at the next 

20 town; at which arriving, he rides furiously through; 
the men, women, and children run out to gaze; a 
hundred noisy curs run barking after him, of which, 
if he honours the boldest with a lash of his whip, it 
is rather out of sport than revenge; but should 

25 some sourer mongrel dare too near an approach, 
he receives a salute on the chaps by an accidental 
stroke from the courser's heels, (nor is any ground 
lost by the blow,) which sends him yelping and 
limping home. 

30 I now proceed to sum up the singular adven- 
tures of my renowned Jack; the state of whose dis- 



40 A TALE OF A TUB 

positions and fortunes the careful reader does, no 
doubt, most exactly remember, as I last parted 
with them in the conclusion of a former section. 
Therefore, his next care must be, from two of the 
foregoing, to extract a scheme of notions, that may 5 
best fit his understanding, for a true relish of what 
is to ensue. 

Jack had not only calculated the first revolution 
of his brain so prudently, as to give rise to that 
epidemic sect of ^olists, but succeeding also into 10 
a new and strange variety of conceptions, the fruit- 
fulness of his imagination led him into certain no- 
tions, which, although in appearance very unac- 
countable, were not without their mysteries and 
their meanings, nor wanted followers to- counte- 15 
nance and improve them. I shall therefore be ex- 
tremely careful and exact in recounting such 
material passages of this nature as I have been 
able to collect, either from undoubted tradition, or 
indefatigable reading; and shall describe them as 20 
graphically as it is possible, and as far as notions of 
that height and latitude can be brought within the 
compass of a pen. Nor do I at all question, but they 
will furnish plenty of noble matter for such, whose 
converting imaginations dispose them to reduce all 25 
things into types; who' can make shadows, no 
thanks to the sun; and then mould them into sub- 
stances, no thanks to philosophy; whose peculiar 
talent lies in fixing tropes and allegories to the let- 
ter, and refining what is literal into figure and mys- 30 
tery. 



A TALE OF A TUB 4I 

Jack had provided a fair copy of his father's will, 
engrossed in form upon a large skin of parchment; 
and, resolving to act the part of a most dutiful son, 
he became the fondest creature of it imaginable. 
5 For although, as I have often told the reader, it 
consisted wholly in certain plain, easy directions, 
about the management and wearing of their coats, 
with legacies and penalties in case of obedience or 
neglect, yet he began to entertain a fancy that the 

10 matter was deeper and darker, and therefore must 
needs have a great deal more of mystery at the bot- 
tom. Gentlemen, said he, I will prove this very 
skin of parchment to be meat, drink, and cloth, to 
be the philosopher's stone, and the universal medi- 

15 cine. In consequence of which raptures, he re- 
solved to make use of it in the most necessary, as 
well as the most paltry occasions of life. He had 
a way of working it into any shape he pleased; so 
that it served him for a nightcap when he went to 

20 bed, and for an umbrella in rainy weather. He 
would lap a piece of it about a sore toe, or, when 
he had fits, burn two inches under his nose; or, if 
anything lay heavy on his stomach, scrape off, and 
swallow as much of the powder, as would lie on a 

25 silver penny; they were all infallible remedies. 
With analogy to these refinements, his common 
talk and conversation ran wholly in the phrase of 
his will, and he circumscribed the utmost of his elo- 
quence within that compass, not daring to let slip a 

30 syllable without authority from thence. 

He made it a part of his religion, never to say 



42 A TALE OF A TUB 

grace to his meat; nor could all the world persuade 
him, as the common phrase is, to eat his victuals 
like a Christian. 

He bore a strange kind of appetite to snap- 
dragon, and to the livid snuffs of a burning candle, 5 
which he would catch and swallow with an agility 
wonderful to conceive; and, by this procedure, 
maintained a perpetual flame in his belly, which, 
issuing in a glowing steam from both his eyes, as 
well as his nostrils and his mouth, made his head 10 
appear in a dark night, like the skull of an ass, 
wherein a roguish boy hath conveyed a farthing 
candle, to the terror of his majesty's liege subjects. 
Therefore, he made use of no other expedient to 
light himself home, but was wont to say, that a 15 
wise man was his own lantern. 

He would shut his eyes as he walked along the 
streets, and if he happened to bounce his head 
against a post, or fall into a kennel, (as he seldom 
missed either to do one or both,) he would tell the 20 
gibing prentices, who looked on, that he submitted 
with entire resignation, as to a trip, or a blow of 
fate, with whom he found, by long experience, how 
vain it was either to wrestle or to cuff; and who- 
ever durst undertake to do either, would be sure to 25 
come off with a swinging fall, or a bloody nose. 
It was ordained, said he, some few days before the 
creation, that my nose and this very post should 
have a rencounter; and, therefore, nature thought 
fit to send us both into the world in the same age, 30 
and to make us countrymen and fellow-citizens. 



A TALE OF A TUB 43 

Now, had my eyes been open, it is very likely the 
business might have been a great deal worse; for 
how many a confounded slip is daily got by a man 
with all his foresight about him? Besides, the eyes 
5 of the understanding see best, when those of the 
senses are out of the way; and therefore, blind men 
are observed to tread their steps with much more 
caution, and conduct, and judgment, than those 
who rely with too much confidence upon the virtue 

10 of the visual nerve, which every little aiccident 
shakes out of order, and a drop, or a film, can 
wholly disconcert; like a lantern among a pack of 
roaring bullies when they scour the streets, expos- 
ing its owner and itself to outward kicks and buf- 

15 fets, which both might have escaped, if the vanity 
of appearing would have suffered them to walk in 
the dark. But further, if we examine the conduct 
of these boasted lights, it will prove yet a great 
deal worse than their fortune. 'Tis true, I have 

20 broke my nose against this post, because Provi- 
dence either forgot, or did not think it convenient, 
to twitch me by the elbow, and give me notice to 
avoid it. But, let not this encourage either the 
present age, or posterity, to trust their noses into 

25 the keeping of their eyes, which may prove the 
fairest way of losing them for good and all. For, 
O ye eyes, ye blind guides; miserable guardians 
are ye of our frail noses; ye, I say, who fasten upon 
the first precipice in view, and then tow our 

30 wretched willing bodies after you, to the very brink 
of destruction: but, alas! that brink is rotten, our 



44 • A TALE OF A TUB 

feet slip, and we tumble down prone into a gulf, 
without one hospitable shrub in the way to break 
the fall; a fall, to which not any nose of mortal 
make is equal, except that of the giant Laurcalco, 
who was lord of the silver bridge. Most properly 5 
therefore, O eyes, and with great justice, may you 
be compared to those foolish lights, which conduct 
men through dirt and darkness, till they fall into 
a deep pit or a noisome bog. 

This I have produced as a scantling of Jack's 10 
great eloquence, and the force of his reasoning 
upon such abstruse matters. 

He was, besides, a person of great design and 
improvement in affairs of devotion, having intro- 
duced a new deity, who has since met with a vast 15 
number of worshippers; by some called Babel, by 
oithers Chaos; who had an ancient temple of Gothic 
structure upon Salisbury plain, famous for its 
shrine, and celebration by pilgrims. 

When he had some roguish trick to play, he 20 
would down with his knees, up with his eyes, and 
fall to prayers, though in the midst of the kennel. 

In winter he went always loose and unbuttoned, 
and clad as thin as possible, to let in the ambient 
heat; and in summer lapped himself close and thick 25 
to keep it out. 

In all revolutions of government, he would make 
his court for the office of hangman general : and in 
the exercise of that dignity, wherein he was very 
dexterous, would make use of no other vizard, than 30 
a long prayer. 



A TALE OF A TUB 45 

He had a tongue so musculous and subtile, that 
he could twist it up into his nose, and deHver a 
strange kind of speech from thence. He was also 
the first in these kingdoms, who began to improve 
5 the Spanish accomplishment of braying; and hav- 
ing large ears, perpetually exposed and erected, he 
carried his art to such a perfection, that it was a 
point of great difficulty ito distinguish, either by 
the view or the sound, between the original and 

lothe copy. 

He was troubled with a disease, reverse to that 
called the stinging of the tarantula; and would run 
dog-mad at the noise of music, especially a pair of 
bagpipes. But he would cure himself again, by 

15 taking two or three turns in Westminster Hall, or 
Billingsgate, or in a boarding-school, or the Royal 
Exchange, or a state cofifee-house. 

He was a person that feared no colours, but mor- 
tally hated all, and, upon that account, bore a cruel 

20 aversion against painters; insomuch, that, in his 
paroxysms, as he -walked the streets, he would have 
his pockets loaden with stones to pelt at the signs. 
Having, from his manner of living, frequent oc- 
casions to wash himself, he would often leap over 

25 head and ears into the water, though it were in the 
midst of the winter, but was always observed to 
come out again much dirtier, if possible, then he 
went in. 

He was the first that ever found out the secret of 

30 contriving a soporiferous medicine to be conveyed 



46 A TALE OF A TUB 

in at the ears; it was a compound of sulphur and 
balm of Gilead, with a little pilgrim's salve. 

He wore a large plaster of artificial caustics on 
his stomach, with the fervour of which, he could 
set himself a groaning, like the famous board upon 5 
application of a red-hot iron. 

He would stand in the turning of a street, and, 
calling to those who- passed by, would cry to one. 
Worthy sir, do me the honour of a good slap in the 
chaps. To another, Honest friend, pray favour me 10 
with a handsome kick: Madam, shall I entreat a 
small box on the ear from your ladyship's fair 
hands? Noble captain, lend a reasonable thwack, 
for the love of God, with that cane of yours over 
these poor shoulders. And when he had, by such 15, 
earnest solicitations, made a shift tO' procure a 
basting sufficient to swell up his fancy and his sides, 
he would return home extremely comforted, and 
full of terrible accounts of what he had undergone 
for the public good. Observe this stroke, (said he, 20 
shewing his bare shoulders,) a plaguy janizary gave 
it me this very morning at seven o'clock, as, with 
much ado, I was driving ofif the great Turk. Neigh- 
bours mine, this broken head deserves a plaster: 
had poor Jack been tender of his noddle, you would 25 
have seen the Pope and the French king, long be- 
fore this time of day, among your wives and your 
warehouses. Dear Christians, the great Mogul was 
come as far as Whitechapel, and you may thank 
these poor sides, that he hath not (God bless us!) 30 
already swallowed up man^ woman, and child, 



A TALE OF A TUB 47 

It was highly worth observing the singular 
effects of that aversion, or antipathy, which Jack 
and his brother Peter seemed, even to an affecta- 
tion, to bear towards each other. Peter had lately 
-done some rogueries, that forced him to abscond; 
and he seldom ventured to stir out before night, for 
fear of bailiffs. Their lodgings were at the two 
most distant parts of the town from each other: and 
whenever their occasions or humours called them 

lo abroad, they would make choice of the oddest un- 
likely times, and most uncouth rounds, they could 
invent, that they might be sure to avoid one an- 
other: yet, after all this, it was their perpetual for- 
tune to meet. The reason of which is easy enough 

15 to apprehend; for, the phrensy and the spleen of 
both having the same foundation, we may look 
upon them as two pair of compasses, equally ex- 
tended, and the fixed foot of each remaining in the 
same centre; which, though moving contrary ways 

20 at first, will be sure to encounter somewhere or 
other in the circumference. Besides, it was among 
the great misfortunes of Jack, to bear a huge per- 
sonal resemblance with his brother Peter. Their 
humour and dispositions were not only the same, 

25 but there was a close analogy in their shape, their 
size, and their mien. Insomuch, as nothing was 
more frequent than for a bailiff to seize Jack by the 
shoulders, and cry, Mr. Peter, you are the king's 
prisoner. Or, at other times, for one of Peter's 

30 nearest friends to accost Jack with open arms. Dear 
Peter, I am glad to see thee, pray send me one of 



48 A TALE OF A TUB 

your best medicines for the worms. This, we may 
suppose, was a mortifying return of those pains 
and proceedings Jack had laboured in so long; and 
finding how directly opposite all his endeavours 
had answered to the sole end and intention, which 5 
he had proposed to himself, how could it avoid hav- 
ing terrible effects upon a head and heart so fur- 
nished as his? However, the poor remainders of 
his coat bore all the punishment; the orient sun 
never entered upon his diurnal progress, without 10 
missing a piece of it. He hired a tailor to stitch up 
the collar so close, that it was ready to choke him, 
and squeezed out his eyes at such a rate, as one 
could see nothing but the white. What little was 
left of the main substance of the coat, he rubbed 15 
every day for two hours against a rough-cast wall, 
in order tO' grind away the remnants of lace and em- 
broidery; but at the same time went on with so 
much violence, that he proceeded a heathen phil- 
osopher. Yet, after all he could do of this kind, 20 
the success continued still to disappoint his expec- 
tation. For, as it is the nature of rags to bear a 
kind of mock resemblance to finery, there being a 
sort of fluttering appearance in both, which is not 
to be distinguished at a distance, in the dark, or by 25 
short-sighted eyes; so, in those junctures, it fared 
with Jack and his tatters, that they offered to the 
first view a ridiculous flaunting; which, assisting 
the resemblance in person and air, thwarted all his 
projects of separation, and left so near a similitude 30 



A TALE OF A TUB 49 

between them, as frequently deceived the very dis- 
ciples and followers of both. 



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The old Sclavonian proverb said well, that it is 

lowith men as with asses; whoever would keep them 
fast, must find a very good hold at their ears. Yet 
I think we may affirm, that it hath been verified by 
repeated experience, that, 

Effugiet tamen hsec sceleratus vincula Proteus. 

15 It is good, therefore, to read the maxims of our 
ancestors, with great allowances to times and per- 
sons : for, if we look into primitive records, we shall 
find, that no revolutions have been so great, or so 
frequent, as those of human ears. In former days, 

20 there was a curious invention to catch and keep 
them; which, I think, we may justly reckon among 
the artes perditce; and how can it be otherwise, 
when, in these latter centuries, the very species is 
not only diminished to a very lamentable degree, 

25 but the poor remainder is also degenerated so far 
as to mock our skilfullest tenure? For, if the only 
slitting of one ear in a stag hath been found suffi- 
cient to propagate the defect through a whole 
forest, why should we wonder at the greatest con- 

30 sequences, from so many loppings and mutilations, 



50 A TALE OF A TUB 

to which the ears of our fathers, and our own, have 
been of late so much exposed? 'Tis true, indeed, 
that while this island of ours was under the domin- 
ion of grace, many endeavours were made to im- 
prove the growith of ears once more among us. The 5 
proportion of largeness was not only looked upon 
as an ornament of the outward man, but as a type 
of grace in the inward. 

Such was the progress of the saints for advanc- 
ing the size of that member; and it is thought the 10 
success would have been every way answerable, if, 
in process of time, a cruel king had not arose, who 
raised a bloody persecution against all ears above 
a certain standard: upon which, some were glad 
to hide their flourishing sprouts in a black border, 15 
others crept wholly under a periwig; some were 
slit, others cropped, and a great number sliced off 
to the stumps. But of this more hereafter in my 
general history of ears; which I design very 
speedily to bestow upon the public. 20 

From this brief survey of the falling state of ears 
in the last age, and the small care had to advance 
their ancient growth in the present, it is manifest, 
how little reason we can have to rely upon a hold 
so short, so weak, and so slippery; and that who- 25 
ever desires to catch mankind fast, must have 
recourse to some other methods. Now, he that 
will examine human nature with circumspection 
enough, may discover several handles, whereof the 
six senses afford one a-piece, beside a great num- 30 
ber that are screwed to the passions, and some few 



A TALE OF A TUB 51 

rivetted to the itiitellect. Among these last, curiosity 
is one, and, of all others, affords the firmest grasp : 
curiosity, that spur in the side, that bridle in the 
mouth, that ring in the nose, of a lazy, an impa- 

5 tient, and a grunting reader. By this handle it is, 
that an author should seize upon his readers; which 
as soon as he hath once compassed, all resistance 
and struggling are in vain; and they become his 
prisoners as close as he pleases, till weariness or 

10 dulness force him to let go his gripe. 

And therefore, I, the author of this miraculous 
treatise, having hitherto, beyond expectation, main- 
tained, by the aforesaid handle, a firm hold upon 
m.y gentle readers, it is with great reluctance, that 

15 1 am at length compelled to remit my grasp; leav- 
ing them, in the perusal of what remains, to that 
natural oscitancy inherent in the tribe. I can only 
assure thee, courteous reader, for both our com- 
forts, that my concern is altogether equal to thine, 

20 for my unhappiness in losing, or mislaying among 
my papers, the, remaining part of these memoirs; 
which consisted of accidents, turns, and adven- 
tures, both new, agreeable, and surprising; and 
therefore calculated, in all due points, to the deli- 

25cate taste of this our noble age. But, alas! with 
my utmost endeavours, I have been able only to 
retain a few of the heads. Under which, there was 
a full account, how Peter got a protection out of 
the King's Bench; and of a reconcilement between 

30 Jack and him, upon a design they had, in a certain 
rainy night, to trepan brother Martin into a spung- 



52 A TALE OF A TUB ^ 

ing-house, and there strip him to the skin. How 
Martin, with much ado, shewed them both a fair 
pair of heels. How a new warrant came out against 
Peter; upon which, how Jack left him in the lurch, 
stole his protection, and made use of it himself. 5 
How Jack's tatters came into fashion in court and 
city; how he got upon a great horse, and eat cus 
tard. But the particulars of all these, with several 
others, which have now slid out of my memory, 
are lost beyond all hopes of recovery. For which lo 
misfortune, leaving my readers to condole with 
each other, as far as they shall find it to agree with 
their several constitutions; but conjuring them by 
all the friendship that hath passed between us, from 
the title-page to this, not to proceed so far as to 15 
injure their healths for an accident past remedy; I 
now go on to the ceremonial part of an accom- 
plished writer, and therefore, by a courtly modern, 
least of all others to be omitted. 



A FULL AND TRUE ACCOUNT OF THE BATTLE 

FOUGHT LAST FRIDAY BETVv^EEN THE 

Bncient auD tbe /Ifto&ern JSoofts 

IN ST. JAMES'S LIBRARY 
London, 1704 

The Preface of the Author, 

Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do 
generally discover everybody's face but their own; 
which is the chief reason for that kind reception it 
meets in the world, and that so very few are offend- 

5 ed with it. But, if it should happen otherwise, the 
danger is not great; and I have learned, from long 
experience, never to apprehend mischief from those 
understandings I have been able to provoke: for 
anger and fury, though they add strength to the 

10 sinews of the body, yet are found to relax those of 
the mind, and to render all its efforts feeble and 
impotent. 

There is a brain that will endure but one scum- 
ming; let the owner gather it with discretion, and 

15 manage his little stock with husbandry; but, of all 
things, let him beware of bringing it under the lash 

53 



54 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 

of his betters, because that will make it all bubble 
up into impertinence, an4 he will find no new sup- 
ply. Wit, without knowledge, being a sort of 
cream, which gathers in a night to the top, and, by 
a skilful hand, may be soon whipped into froth; 
but, once scummed away, what appears underneath 
will be fit for nothing but to be thrown to the hogs. 



A FULL AND TRUE ACCOUNT, &c. 

Whoever examines, with due circumspection, 
into the Annual Records of Time, will find it re- 
marked, that war is the child of pride, and pride the lo 
daughter of riches : — the former of which assertions 
may be soon granted, but one cannot so easily sub- 
scribe to the latter; for pride is nearly related to 
beggary and want, either by father or mother, and 
sometimes by both : and to speak naturally, it very 15 
seldom happens among men to fall out when all 
have enough; invasions usually travelling from 
north to south, that is to say, from poverty upon 
plenty. The most ancient and natural grounds of 
quarrels, are lust and avarice; which, though we 20 
may allow to be brethren, or collateral branches of 
pride, are certainly the issues of want. For^ to 
speak in the phrase of writers upon the politics, we 
may observe in the republic of dogs, which, in its 
original, seems to be an institution of the many, that 25 
the whole state is ever in the profoundest peace 



THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 55 

after a full meal; and that civil broils arise among 
them when it happens for one great bone to be 
seized on by some leading dog, who either divides 
it among the few, and then it falls to an oligarchy, 
5 or keeps it to himself, and then it runs up to a 
tyranny. The same reasoning also holds place 
among them in those dissensions we behold in re- 
gard to any of their females. For the right of 
possession lying in common, (it being impossible to 

10 establish a property in so delicate a case,) jealousies 
and suspicions do so abound, that the whole com- 
monwealth of that street is reduced to a manifest 
state of war, of every citizen against every citizen, 
till some one, of more courage, conduct, or fortune 

15 than the rest^ seizes and enjoys the prize; upon 
which naturally arises plenty of heart-burning, and 
envy, and snarling against the happy dog. Again, 
if we look upon any of these republics engaged in 
a foreign war, either of invasion or defence, we shall 

2o find the same reasoning will serve as to the grounds 
and occasions of each ; and that poverty or want, in 
some degree or other, (whether real or in opinion, 
which makes no alteration in the case,) hath a great 
share, as well as pride, on the part of the aggressor. 

25 Now, whoever will please to take this scheme, 
and either reduce or adapt it to an intellectual state, 
or commonwealth of learning, will soon discover 
the first ground of disagreement between the two 
great parties at this time in arms, and may form 

30 just conclusions upon the merits of either cause. 
But the issue or events of this war are not so easy 



56 THE BATTLE OE THE BOOKS 

to conjecture at; for the present quarrel is so in- 
flamed by the warm heads of either faction, and the 
pretensions somewhere or other so exorbitant^ as 
not to admit the least overtures of accommodation. 
This quarrel first began, as I have heard it affrmed 5 
by an old dweller in the neighbourhood, about a 
small spot of ground, lying and being upon one of 
the two tops of the hill Parnassus; the highest and 
largest of which had, it seems, been time out of 
mind in quiet possession of certain tenants, called 10 
the Ancients ; and the other was held by the Mod- 
erns. But these, disliking their present station, 
sent certain ambassadors to the ancients, complain- 
ing of a great nuisance ; how the height of that part 
of Parnassus quite spoiled the prospect of theirs, 15 
especially towards the east ; and therefore, to avoid 
a war, offered them the choice of this alternative, 
either that the ancients would please to remove 
themselves and their effects down to the lower sum- 
mity, which the moderns would graciously sur- 20 
render to them, and advance in their place ; or else 
the said ancients will give leave to the moderns to 
come with shovels and mattocks, and level the said 
hill as low as they shall think it convenient. To 
which the ancients made answer, how little they 25 
expected such a message as this from a colony, 
whom they had admitted, out of their own free 
grace, to so near a neighbourhood. That, as to 
their own seat, they were aborigines of it, and there- 
fore, to talk with them of a removal or surrender, 30 
was a language they did not understand. That, if 



THE nATTLE OF TJIM BOOJtS 57 

the height of the hill on their side shortened the 
prospect of the moderns, it was a disadvantage they 
could not help ; but desired them to consider, 
whether that injury (if it be any) were not largely 
5 recompensed by the shade and shelter it afforded 
them. That as to the levelling or digging down, 
it was either folly or ignorance to propose it, if they 
did, or did not, know, how that side of the hill was 
an entire rock, which would break their tools and 

to hearts, without any damage to itself. That they 
would therefore advise the moderns rather to raise 
their own side of the hill^ than dream of pulling 
down that of the ancients : to the former of which 
they would not only give licence, but also largely 

15 contribute. All this was rejected by the moderns 
with much indignation, who still insisted upon one 
of the two expedients ; and so this difference broke 
out into a long and obstinate war, maintained on 
the one part by resolution, and by the courage of 

20 certain leaders and allies ; but, on the other, by the 
greatness of their number, upon all defeats afford- 
ing continual recruits. In this quarrel whole rivu- 
lets of ink have been exhausted, and the virulence 
of both parties enormously augmented. Now, it 

25 must here be understood, that ink is the great mis- 
sive weapon in all battles of the learned, which, 
conveyed through a sort of engine called a quill, 
infinite numbers of these are darted at the enemy, 
by the valiant on each side, with equal skill and 

30 violence, as if it were an engagement of porcupines. 
This malignant liquor was compounded, by the en- 



S8 THE BATTLE OE THE BOOKS 

gineer who invented it^ of two ingredients, which 
are, gall and copperas ; by its bitterness and venom 
to suit, in some degree, as well as to foment, the 
genius of the combatants. And as the Grecians, 
after an engagement, when they could not agree 
about the victory, were wont to set up trophies on 
both sides, the beaten party being content to be at 
the same expense, to keep itself in countenance; (a 
laudable and ancient custom, happily revived of 
late, in the art of war ;) so the learned, after a sharp lo 
and bloody dispute, do, on both sides, hang out 
their trophies too, whichever comes by the worst. 
These trophies have largely inscribed on them the 
merits of the cause ; a full impartial account of such 
a battle, and how the victory fell clearly to the 15 
party that set them up. They are known to the 
world under several names : as, disputes^ argu- 
ments, rejoinders, brief considerations, answers, re- 
plies, remarks, reflections, objections, confutations. 
For a very few days they are fixed up in all public 20 
places, either by themselves or their representa- 
tives, for passengers to gaze at; whence the chiefest 
and largest are removed to certain magazines they 
call libraries, there to remain in a quarter purposely 
assigned them, and from thenceforth begin to be 25 
called books of controversy. 

In these books Is wonderfully instilled and pre- 
served the spirit of each warrior, while he is alive; 
and after his death, his soul transmigrates there to 
inform them. This at least is the more commons© 
opinion; but I believe it is with libraries as with 



I 



THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 59 

Other cemeteries ; where some philosophers affirm, 
that a certain spirit, which they caU bruttim hominis^ 
hovers over the monument, till the body is cor- 
rupted, and turns to dust, or to worms, but then 
5 vanishes or dissolves ; so, we may say, a restless 
spirit haunts over, every book, till dust or worms 
have seized upon it ; which to some may happen in 
a few days, but to others later : and therefore books 
of controversy being, of all others, haunted by the 

lomost disorderly spirits, have always been confined 
in a separate lodge from the rest; and, for fear of 
mutual violence against each other, it was thought 
prudent by our ancestors to bind them to the peace 
with strong iron chains. Of which invention the 

15 original occasion was this: When the works of 
Scotus first came out, they were carried to a certain 
library, and had lodgings appointed them; but this 
author was no sooner settled than he went to visit 
his master Aristotle ; and there both concerted to- 

20 gether to seize Plato by main force, and turn him 
out from his ancient station among the divines, 
where he had peaceably dwelt near eight hundred 
years. The attempt succeeded^ and the two usurp- 
ers have reigned ever since in his stead : but, to 

25 maintain quiet for the future, it was decreed, that all 
polemics of the larger size should be held fast with 
a chain. 

By this expedient, the public peace of libraries 
might certainly have been preserved, if a new 

30 species of controversial books had not arose of late 
years^ instinct with a most malignant spirit, from 



6o THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 

the war above mentioned between the learned, 
about the higher summity of Parnassus. 

When these books were first admitted into the 
pubHc hbraries, I remember to have said, upon 
occasion, to several persons concerned, how I was 5 
sure they would create broils wherever they came, 
unless a world of care were taken : and therefore I 
advised, that the champions of each side should be 
coupled together, or otherwise mixed, that, like the 
blending of contrary poisons, their malignity might 10 
be employed among themselves. And it seems I 
was neither an ill prophet^ nor an ill counsellor ; for 
it was nothing else but the neglect of this caution 
which gave occasion to the terrible fight that hap- 
pened on Friday last, between the ancient and 15 
modern books, in the king's library. Now, because 
the talk of this battle is so fresh in everybody's 
mouth, and the expectation of the town so great to 
be informed in the particulars, I, being possessed 
of all qualifications requisite in an historian, and 20 
retained by neither party, have resolved to comply 
with the urgent importunity of my friends, by writ- 
ing down a full impartial account thereof. 

The guardian of the regal library, a person of 
great valour, but chiefly renowned for his human- 25 
ity, had been a fierce champion for the moderns; 
and, in an engagement upon Parnassus, had vowed, 
with his own hands, to knock down two of the an- 
cient chiefs^ who guarded a small pass on the 
superior rock ; but, endeavouring to climb up, was 30 
cruelly obstructed by his own unhappy weight, and 



THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 6 1 

tendency towards his centre ; a quality to which 
those of the modern party are extreme subject; for, 
being hght-headed, they have, in speculation, a 
wonderful agility, and conceive nothing too high 
5 for them to mount ; but, in reducing to practice, 
discover a mighty pressure about their backs and 
their heels. Having thus failed in his design, the 
disappointed champion bore a cruel rancour to the 
ancients ; which he resolved to gratify, by shewing 

10 all marks of his favour to the books of their adver- 
saries, and lodging them in the fairest apartments; 
when, at the same time, whatever book had the 
boldness to own itself for an advocate of the an- 
cients, was buried alive in some obscure corner, and 

15 threatened^ upon the least displeasure, to be turned 
out of doors. Besides, it so happened, that about 
this time there was a strange confusion of place 
among all the books in the library ; for which sev- 
eral reasons were assigned. Some imputed it to a 

2o great heap of learned dust, which a perverse wind 
blew off from a* shelf of moderns, into the keeper's 
eyes. Others affirmed, he had a humour to pick 
the worms out of the schoolmen, and swallow them 
fresh and fasting; whereof some fell upon his 

25 spleen, and some climbed up into his head, to the 
great perturbation of both. And lastly, others 
maintained, that, by walking much in the dark 
about the library, he had quite lost the situation of 
it out of his head ; and therefore, in replacing his 

30 books, he was apt to mistake, and clap Descartes 
next to Aristotle; poor Plato had got between 



62 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 

Hobbes and the Seven Wise Masters^ and Virgil 
was hemmed in with Dryden on one side, and 
Wither on the other. 

Meanwhile those books that were advocates for 
the moderns, chose out one from among them to 5 
make a progress through the whole library, 
examine the number and strength of their 
party, and concert their affairs. This mes- 
senger performed all things very industri- 
ously, and brought back with him a Hst of lo 
their forces, in all fifty thousand, consisting 
chiefly of light-horse, heavy-armed foot, and mer- 
cenaries : whereof the foot were in general but 
sorrily armed, and worse clad : their horses large, 
but extremely out of case and heart ; however, some 15 
few, by trading among the ancients, had furnished 
themselves tolerably enough. 

While things were in this ferment, discord grew 
extremely high ; hot words passed on both sides, 
and ill blood was plentifully bred. Here a solitary 20 
ancient, squeezed up among a whole shelf of mod- 
erns, offered fairly to dispute the case, and to prove 
by manifest reasons, that the priority was due to 
them, from long possession; and in regard of their 
prudence, antiquity, and, above all, their great 25 
merits toward the moderns. But these denied the 
premises, and seemed very much to wonder, how 
the ancients could pretend to insist upon their an- 
tiquity, when it was so plain, (if they went to that,) 
that the moderns were much the more ancient of 30 
the Iwo. As for any obHgations they owed to the 



THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 63 

ancients, they renounced them all. 'Tis true, said 
they, we are informed, some few of our party have 
been so mean to borrow their subsistence from you ; 
but the rest^ infinitely the greater number, (and 
5 especially we French and English,) were so far 
from stooping to so base an example, that there 
never passed, till this very hour, six words between 
us. For our horses are of our own breeding, our 
arms of our own forging, and our clothes of our 

10 own cutting out and sewing. Plato was by chance 
up on the next shelf, and observing those that spoke 
to be in the ragged plight mentioned a while ago ; 
their jades lean and foundered, their weapons of 
rotten wood, their armour rusty, and nothing but 

15 rags underneath ; he laughed loud, and in his pleas- 
ant way swore, by — ^ — he believed them. 

Now, the moderns had not proceeded in their 
late negotiation with secrecy enough to escape the 
notice of the enemy. For those advocates, who had 

20 begun the quarrel, by setting first on foot the dis- 
pute of precedency, talked so loud of coming to 
a battle, that Temple happened to overhear them, 
and gave immediate intelligence to the ancients ; 
who, thereupon, drew up their scattered troops to- 

25 gether, resolving to act upon the defensive ; upon 
which, several of the moderns fled over to their 
party, and among the rest Temple himself. This 
Temple, having been educated and long conversed 
among the ancients, was, of all the moderns, their 

30 greatest favourite, and became their greatest 
champion. 



64 ' THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 

Things were at this crisis, when a material acci- 
dent fell out. For, upon the highest corner of a 
large window, there dwelt a certain spider, swollen 
up to the first magnitude by the destruction of in- 
finite numbers of flies, whose spoils lay scattered 5 
before the gates of his palace, like human bones 
before the cave of some giant. The avenues to his 
castle were guarded with turnpikes and palisadoes, 
all after the modern way of fortification. After you 
had passed several courts, you came to the centre, lo 
wherein you might behold the constable himself 
in his own lodgings, which had windows fronting 
to each avenue, and ports to sally out, upon all 
occasions of prey or defence. In this mansion he 
had for some time dwelt in peace and plenty, wath-15 
out danger to his person, by swallows from above, 
or to his palace, by brooms from below : when it 
was the pleasure of fortune to conduct thither a 
wandering bee, to whose curiosity a broken pane 
in the glass had discovered itself, and in he went; 20 
where, expatiating a while, he at last happened to 
alight upon one of the outward walls of the spider's 
citadel ; which, yielding to the unequal weight, 
sunk down to the very foundation. Thrice he en- 
deavoured to force his passage, and thrice the cen- 25 
tre shook. The spider within, feeling the terrible 
convulsion, supposed at first that nature was ap- 
proaching to her final dissolution ; or else, that 
Beelzebub, with all his legions, was come to re- 
venge the death of many thousands of his subjects, 30 
whom this enemy had slain and devoured. How- 



THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 65 

ever, he at length vaHantly resolved to issue forth, 
and meet his fate. Meanwhile the bee had acquit- 
ted himself of his toils, and, posted securely at some 
distance, was employed in cleansing his wings, and 

5 disengaging them from the ragged remnants of 
the cobweb. By this time the spider was advent- 
ured out, when, beholding the chasms, the ruins, 
and dilapidations of his fortress, he was very near 
at his wit's end ; he stormed and swore like a mad- 

10 man, and swelled till he was ready to burst. At 
length, casting his eye upon the bee^ and wisely 
gathering causes from events, (for they knew each 
other by sight), A plague spHt you, said he; is it 
you, with a vengeance, that have made this litter 

15 here? could not you look before you, and be d — d? 
do you think I have nothing else to do (in the 
devil's name) but to mend and repair after you? — 
Good words, friend, said the bee, (having now 
pruned himself, and being disposed to droll), I'll 

20 give you my hand and word to come near your 
kennel no more;! was never in such a confounded 
pickle since I was born. — Sirrah, replied the spider, 
if it were not for breaking an old custom in our 
family, never to stir abroad against an enemy, I 

25 should come and teach you better manners. — I 
pray have patience, said the bee^ or you will spend 
your substance, and, for aught I see, you may stand 
in need of it all towards the repair of your house. — 
Rogue, rogue, replied the spider, yet, methinks you 

30 should have more respect to a person, whom all the 
world allows to be so much your betters. — By my 



66 THE BATTLE OE THE BOOKS 

troth, said the bee, the comparison will amount to 
a very good jest; and you will do me a favour to 
let me know the reasons that all the world is pleased 
to use in so hopeful a dispute. At this the spider, 
having swelled himself into the size and posture of 5 
a disputant, began his argument in the true spirit 
of controversy, with a resolution to be heartily 
scurrilous and angry, to urge on his own reasons, 
without the least regard to the answers or objec- 
tions of his opposite ; and fully predetermined in 10 
his mind against all conviction. 

Not to disparage myself, said he^ by the com- 
parison with such a rascal, what art thou but a 
vagabond without house or home, without stock or 
'nheritance, born to no possession of your own, but 15 
a pair of wings and a drone-pipe? Your livelihood 
is an universal plunder upon nature ; a freebooter 
over fields and gardens ; and, for the sake of steal- 
ing, will rob a nettle as readily as a violet. Where- 
as I am a domestic animal, furnished with a native 20 
stock within myself. This large castle (to shew 
my improvements in the mathematics) is all built 
with my own hands, and the materials extracted 
altogether out of mine own person. 

I am glad, answered the bee, to hear you grant at 25 
least that I am come honestly by my wings and my 
voice; for then, it seems, I am obHged to Heaven 
alone for my flights and my music ; and Providence 
would never have bestowed on me two such gifts, 
without designing them for the noblest ends. I 30 
visit indeed all the flowers and blossoms of the 



THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 6y 

field and the garden ; but whatever I collect from 
thence, enriches myself, without the least injury to 
their beauty, their smell, or their taste. Now, for 
you and your skill in architecture, and other mathe- 
5 matics, I have little to say : in that building of 
yours there might, for aught I know, have been 
labour and method enough ; but, by woful experi- 
ence for us both, 'tis too plain, the materials are 
naught; and I hope you will henceforth take warn- 

10 ing, and consider duration and matter, as well as 
method and art. You boast, indeed, of being 
obliged to no other creature, but of drawing and 
spinning out all from yourself ; that is to say, if we 
may judge of the liquor in the vessel, by what 

15 issues out, you possess a good plentiful store of 
dirt and poison in your breast ; and, though I would 
by no means lessen or disparage your genuine 
stock of either, yet, I doubt you are somewhat 
obliged, for an increase of both, to a little foreign 

20 assistance. Your inherent portion of dirt does not 
fail of acquisitions, by sweepings exhaled from be- 
low; and one insect furnishes you with a share of 
poison to destroy another. So that, in short, the 
question comes all to this ; whether is the nobler 

25 being of the two, that which, by a lazy contempla- 
tion of four inches round, by an overweening pride, 
which, feeding and engendering on itself, turns all 
into venom, producing nothing at all, but flybane 
and a cobweb ; or that which, by an universal range, 

30 with long search, much study, true judgment, and 
distinction of things, brings home honey and wax ? 



68 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 

This dispute was managed with such eagerness, 
clamour, and warmth, that the two parties of 
books, in arms below, stood silent a while, waiting 
in suspense what would be the issue; which was 
not long undetermined : for the bee, grown impa- 5 
tient at so much loss of time, fled straight away to 
a bed of roses, without looking for a reply; and 
left the spider, like an orator^ collected in himself, 
and just prepared to burst out. 

It happened upon this emergency, that ^Esop lo 
broke silence first. He had been of late most bar- 
barously treated by a strange efifect of the regent's 
humanity, who had tore ofif his title-page, sorely 
defaced one half of his leaves, and chained him fast 
among a shelf of moderns. Where, soon discov- 15 
ering how high the quarrel was likely to proceed, 
he tried all his arts, and turned himself to a thou- 
sand forms. At length, in the borrowed shape of 
an ass^ the regent mistook him for a modern; by 
which means he had time and opportunity to es- 20 
cape to the ancients, just when the spider and the 
bee were entering into their contest; to which he 
gave his attention with a world of pleasure; and 
when it was ended, swore in the loudest key, that 
in all his life he had never known two cases so 25 
parallel and adapt to each other, as that in the win- 
dow, and this upon the shelves. The disputants, 
said he, have admirably managed the dispute 
between them, have taken in the full strength 
of all that is to be said on both sides, and exhausted 30 
the substance of every argument pro and con. It is 



l^HE BATTLE OF l^HE BOOKS 69 

but to adjust the reasonings of both to the present 
quarrel, then to compare and apply the labours and 
fruits of each, as the bee hath learnedly deduced 
them, and we shall find the conclusion fall plain 
5 and close upon the moderns and us. For, pray, 
gentlemen, was ever anything so modern as the 
spider in his air, his turns, and his paradoxes? He 
argues in the behalf of you his brethren, and him- 
self, with many boastings of his native stock and 

10 great genius ; that he spins and spits wholly from 
himself, and scorns to own any obligation or as- 
sistance from without. Then he displays to you his 
great skill in architecture, and improvement in the 
mathematics. To all this the bee, as an advocate, 

15 retained by us the ancients, thinks fit to answer ; 
that, if one may judge of the great genius or inven- 
tions of the moderns by what they have produced, 
you will hardly have countenance to bear you out, 
in boasting of either. Erect your schemes with as 

20 much method and skill as you please ; yet if the 
materials be nothing but dirt, spun out of your own 
entrails (the guts of modern brains) the edifice will 
conclude at last in a cobweb ; the duration of which, 
like that of other spiders' webs, may be imputed to 

25 their being forgotten, or neglected, or hid in a cor- 
ner. For anything else of genuine that the mod- 
erns may pretend to, I cannot recollect ; unless it be 
a large vein of wrangling and satire, much of a 
nature and substance with the spider's poison ; 

30 which, however they pretend to spit wholly out of 
themselves, is improved by the same arts, by feed- 



yo THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 

ing upon the insects and vermin of the age. As 
for us the ancients, we are content, with the bee, 
to pretend to nothing of our own, beyond our 
wings and our voice : that is to say, our flights and 
our language. For the rest, whatever we have got, 5 
hath been by infinite labour and search, and rang- 
ing through every corner of nature; the difference 
is, that, instead of dirt and poison, we have rather 
chose to fill our hives with honey and wax; thus 
furnishing mankind with the two noblest of things, lo 
which are sweetness and light. 

It is wonderful to conceive the tumult arisen 
among the books, upon the close of this long des- 
cant of ^sop : both parties took the hint, and 
heightened their animosities so on a sudden, that 15 
they resolved it should come to a battle. Immedi- 
ately the two main bodies withdrew, under their 
several ensigns, to the farthest parts of the library, 
and there entered into cabals and consults upon the 
present emergency. The moderns were in very 20 
warm debates upon the choice of their leaders ; and 
nothing less than the fear impending from their 
enemies, could have kept them from mutinies upon 
this occasion. The difference was greatest among 
the horse, where every private trooper pretended to 25 
the chief command, from Tasso and Milton, to 
Dryden and Wither. The light-horse were com- 
manded by Cowley and Despreaux. There came 
the bowmen under their valiant leaders, Descartes, 
Gassendi, and Hobbes ; whose strength was such, 30 
that they could shoot their arrows behind the at- 



THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 7 1 

mosphere, never to fall down again, but turn, like 
that of Evander, into meteors ; or, like the cannon- 
ball, into stars. Paracelsus brought a squadron of 
stink-pot-flingers from the snowy mountains of 
5 Rhaetia. There came a vast body of dragoons, of 
different nations, under the leading of Harvey, 
their great aga : part armed with scythes, the 
weapons of death ; part with lances and long knives, 
all steeped in poison; part shot bullets of a most 

10 malignant nature, and used white powder, which 
infallibly killed without report. There came sev- 
eral bodies of heavy-armed foot, all mercenaries, 
under the ensigns of Guicciardini, Davila, Poly- 
dore Virgil, Buchanan, Mariana, Camden, and 

15 others. The engineers were commanded by Regio- 
montanus and Wilkins. The rest were a confused 
multitude, led by Scotus, Aquinas, and Bellar- 
mine; of mighty bulk and stature, but without 
either arms, courage, or discipline. In the last 

20 place, came infinite swarms of calones, a disorderly 
rout led by L'Estrange; rogues and ragamuffins, 
that follow the camp for nothing but the plunder, 
all without coats to cover them. 

The army of the ancients was much fewer in 

25 number ; Homer led the horse, and Pindar the 
light-horse; Euclid was chief engineer; Plato and 
Aristotle commanded the bowmen; Herodotus and 
Livy the foot ; Hippocrates the dragoons ; the 
allies, led by Vossius and Temple, brought up the 

30 rear. 

All things violently tending to a decisive battle, 



72 THE BATTLE OE THE BOOKS 

Fame, who much frequented, and had a large 
apartment formerly assigned her in the regal 
library, fled up straight to Jupiter, to whom she 
delivered a faithful account of all that passed be- 
tween the two parties below; (for, among the gods, 5 
she always tells truth). Jove, in great concern, 
convokes a council in the Milky Way. The senate 
assembled, he declares the occasion of convening 
them ; a bloody battle just impendent between 
two mighty armies of ancient and modern creat- 10 
ures, called books, wherein the celestial interest 
was but too deeply concerned. Momus, the patron 
of the moderns, made an excellent speech in their 
favour, which was answered by Pallas, the protect- 
ress of the ancients. The assembly was divided in 15 
their affections ; when Jupiter commanded the book 
of fate to be laid before him. Immediately were 
brought by Mercury three large volumes in folio, 
containing memoirs of all things past, present, and 
to come. The clasps were of silver double gilt ; 20 
the covers of celestial turkey leather ; and the paper 
such as here on earth might almost pass for vel- 
lum. Jupiter, having silently read the decree, 
would communicate the import to none, but pres- 
ently shut up the book. 25 

Without the doors of this assembly, there at- 
tended a vast number of light, nimble gods, menial 
servants to Jupiter : these are his ministering in- 
struments in all afifairs below. They travel in 
a caravan, more or less together, and are fastened 30 
to each other, like a link of galley-slaves^ by a light 



THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 73 

chain, which passes from them to Jupiter's great 
toe : arid yet, in receiving or delivering a message, 
they may never approach above the lowest step of 
his throne, where he and they whisper to each 
5 other, through a long hollow trunk. These deities 
are called by mortal men accidents or events; but 
the gods call them second causes. Jupiter having 
delivered his message to a certain number of these 
divinities, they flew immediately down to the pin- 

10 nacle of the regal library, and, consulting a few 
minutes, entered unseen, and disposed the parties 
according to their orders. 

Meanwhile, Momus, fearing the worst, and call- 
ing to mind an ancient prophecy, which bore no 

15 very good face to his children the moderns, bent his 
flight to the region of a malignant deity, called 
Criticism. She dwelt on the top of a snowy moun- 
tain in Nova Zembla ; there Momus found her ex- 
tended in her den^ upon the spoils of numberless 

20 volumes, half devoured. At her right hand sat 
Ignorance, her father and husband, blind with age ; 
at her left, Pride, her mother, dressing her up in 
the scraps of paper herself had torn. There was 
Opinion, her sister, light of foot, hoodwinked, and 

25 headstrong, yet giddy, and perpetually turning. 
About her played her children. Noise and Impu- 
dence, Dulness and Vanity, Positiveness, Pedantry, 
and Ill-manners. The goddess herself had claws 
like a cat ; her head, and ears, and voice, resembled 

30 those of an ass : her teeth fallen out before, her 
eyes turned inward, as if she looked only upon her- 



74 THE BATTLE OE THE BOOKS 

self; her diet was the overflowing of her own gall; 
her spleen was so large, as to stand prominent ; nor 
wanted excrescencies in the form of teats, at which 
a crew of ugly monsters were greedily sucking; 
and, what is wonderful to conceive, the bulk of 5 
spleen increased faster than the sucking could 
diminish it. Goddess, said Momus, can you sit 
idly here while our devout worshippers, the mod- 
erns, are this minute entering into a cruel battle, 
and perhaps now lying under the swords of their lo 
enemies? who then hereafter will ever sacrifice, or 
build altars to our divinities? Haste, therefore, to 
the British isle, and^ if possible, prevent their de- 
struction; while I make factions among the gods, 
and gain them over to our party. 15 

Momus, having thus delivered himself, staid not 
for an answer, but left the goddess to her own re- 
sentments. Up she rose in a rage, and, as it is the 
form upon such occasions, began a soliloquy: 'Tis 
I, (said she,) who gave wisdom to infants and 20 
idiots; by me, children grow wiser than their par- 
ents; by me, beaux become politicians, and school- 
boys judges of philosophy; by me, sophisters de- 
bate, and conclude upon the depths of knowledge; 
and coffee-house wits, instinct by me, 'can correct 25 
an author's style, and display his minutest errors, 
without understanding a syllable of his matter, or 
his language. By me, striplings spend their judg- 
ment, as they do their estate, before it comes into 
their hands. 'Tis I who have deposed wit and 30 
knowledge from their empire over poetry, and ad- 



THE BATTLE OE THE BOOKS 75 

vanced myself in -their stead. And shall a few up- 
start ancients dare to oppose me? — But come, my 
aged parents, and you, my children dear, and thou, 
my beauteous sister; let us ascend my chariot, and 
5 haste to assist our devout moderns, who are now 
sacrificing to us a hecatomb, as I perceive by that 
grateful smell, which from thence reaches my nos- 
trils. 

The goddess and her train having mounted the 

10 chariot, which was drawn by tame geese, flew over 
infinite regions, shedding her influence in due 
places, till at length she arrived at her beloved 
island of Britain; but, in hovering over its metro- 
polis, what blessings did she not let fall upon her 

15 seminaries of Gresham and Covent Garden! And 
now she reached the fatal plain of St. James's li- 
brary, at what time the two armies were upon the 
point to engage; where, entering with all her cara- 
van unseen, and landing upon a case of shelves, 

20 now desert, but once inhabited by a colony of vir- 
tuosos, she staid awhile to observe the posture of 
both armies. 

But here the tender cares of a mother began to 
fill her thoughts, and move in her breast: for, at 

25 the head of a troop of modern bowmen, she cast 
her eyes upon her son Wotton; to whom the fates 
had assigned a very short thread. Wotton, a young 
hero, whom an unknown father of mortal race be- 
got by stolen embraces with this goddess. He was 

30 the darling of his mother above all her children, 
and she resolved to go and comfort him. But first, 



76 THE BATTLE OP THE BOOKS 

according to the good old custom of deities, she 
cast about to change her shape, for fear the divinity 
of her countenance might dazzle his mortal sight, 
and overcharge the rest of his senses. She there- 
fore gathered up her person into an octavo com- 5 
pass: her body grew white and arid, and split in 
pieces with dryness; the thick turned into paste- 
board, and the thin into paper; upon which her 
parents and children artfully strowed a black juice, 
or decoction of gall and soot, in form of letters: 10 
her head, and voice, and spleen, kept their primitive 
form: and that which before was a cover of skin, 
did still continue so. In which guise, she marched 
on towards the moderns, undistinguishable in shape 
and dress from the divine Bentley, Wotton's dearest 15 
friend. Brave Wotton, said the goddess, why do 
our troops stand idle here, tO' spend their present 
vigour, and opportunity of the day? Away, let us 
haste to the generals, and advise tO' give the onset 
immediately. Having spoke thus, she took the 20 
ugliest of her monsters, full glutted from her spleen, 
and flung it invisibly into his mouth, which, flying 
straight up into his head, squeezed out his eyeballs, 
gave him a distorted look, and half overturned his 
brain. Then she privately ordered two of her be- 25 
loved children, Dulness and Ill-Manners, closely to 
attend his person in all encounters. Having thus 
accoutred him, she vanished in a mist, and the hero 
perceived it was the goddess his mother. 

The destined hour of fate being now arrived, the 30 
fight began; whereof, before I dare adventure to 



THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 77 

make a particular description, I must, after the ex- 
ample of other authors, petition for a hundred 
tongues, and mouths, and hands, and pens, which 
would all be too little to perform so immense a 
5 work. Say, goddess, that presidest over history, 
who it was that first advanced in the field of battle ! 
Paracelsus, at the head of his dragoons, observing 
Galen in the adverse wing, darted his javelin with 
a mighty force, which the brave ancient received 
10 upon his shield, the point breaking in the second 

'^' * * "^ "^ * * Hie pauca 

'^ * * * ^ * * desunt, 

15 They bore the wounded aga on their shields to his 

r*ri3'nO'1' jji jjS jjc jjc ^ >jc >j< 

Desunt ^: ^ ^ ^ :^ :^ ^ 

nonmilla, * ^ ^ ^ * ^ * 

20 Then Aristotle, observing Bacon advance with a 
furious mien, drew his bow to the head, and let 
fly his arrow, which missed the valiant modern, 
and went hizzing over his head; but Descartes is 
hit; the steel point quickly found a defect in his 

25 head-piece; it pierced the leather and the paste- 
board, and went in at his right eye. The torture of 
the pain whirled the valiant bowman round, till 
death, like a star of superior influence, drew him 
into his own vortex. 

3oIngens hiatus * * * "^ i^ ^. 

hk in MS. ^ * h^ h^ ^ * 



78 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 

* * when Homer appeared at the head of 

the cavalry, mounted on a furious horse, with dififi- 
culty managed by the rider himself, but which no 
other mortal durst approach; he rode among the 
enemy's ranks, and bore down all before him. Say, 5 
goddess, whom he slew first, and whom he slew 
last! First, Gondibert advanced against him, clad 
in heavy armour, and mounted on a staid, sober 
gelding, not so famed for his speed as his docility 
in kneeling, whenever his rider would mount or 10 
alight. He had made a vow to Pallas, that he 
would never leave the field till he had spoiled 
Homer of his armour: madman, who had never 
once seen the wearer, nor understood his strength! 
Him Homer overthrew, horse and man, to the 15 
ground, there to be trampled and choked in the 
dirt. Then, with a long spear, he slew Denham, a 
stout modern, who from his father's side derived 
his lineage from Apollo, but his mother was of mor- 
tal race. He fell, and bit the earth. The celestial 20 
part Apollo took, and made it a star; but the ter- 
restrial lay wallowing upon the ground. Then 
Homer slew Wesley, with a kick of his horse's heel ; 
he took Perrault by mighty force out of his saddle, 
then hurled him at Fontenelle, with the same blow 25 
dashing out both their brains. 

On the left wing of the horse, Virgil appeared, 
in shining armour, completely fitted to his body: 
he was mounted on a dapple-gray steed, the slow- 
ness of whose pace was an efifect of the highest met- 30 
tie and vigour. He cast his eye on the adverse 



THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 79 

wing, with a desire to find an object worthy of his 
valour, when, behold, upon a sorrel gelding of a 
monstrous size, appeared a foe, issuing from among 
the thickest of the enemy's squadrons; but his 
5 speed was less than his noise; for his horse, old and 
lean, spent the dregs of his strength in a high trot, 
which, though it made slow advances, yet caused a 
loud clashing of his armour, terrible to hear. The 
two cavaliers had now approached within the throw 

loof a lance, when the stranger desired a parley, and, 
lifting up the vizard of his helmet, a face hardly ap- 
peared from within, which, after a pause, was 
known for that of the renowned Dryden. The 
brave ancient suddenly started, as one possessed 

15 with surprise and disappointment together; for the 
helmet was nine times too large for the head, which 
appeared situate far in the hinder part, even like 
the lady in a lobster, or like a mouse under a 
canopy of state, or like a shrivelled beau, from 

20 within the penthouse of a modern periwig; and 
the voice was suited to the visage, sounding weak 
and remote. Dryden, in a long harangue, soothed 
up the good ancient; called him father, and, by a 
large deduction of genealogies, made it plainly ap- 

25 pear that they were nearly related. Then he humbly 
proposed an exchange of armour, as a lasting mark 
of hospitality between them. Virgil consented, 
(for the goddess Diffidence came unseen, and cast 
a mist before his eyes,) though his was of gold, and 

30 cost a hundred beeves, the other's but of rusty iron. 
However, this glittering armour became the mod- 



8o THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 



n 



ern yet worse than his own. Then they agreed to 
exchange horses; but, when it came to the trial, 
Dryden was afraid, and utterly unable to mount. 






* 


* 


* 


* 


5k 5}I * ^ 


* 


^ 


* 


5k 


* Alter hiatus 


* 


* 


* 


5k 


* m MS, 


^ 


^ 


5k 


>k 


5k * 5k 



Lucan appeared upon a fiery horse of admirable 
shape, but headstrong, bearing the rider where he lo 
list over the field; he made a mightly slaughter 
among the enemy's horse; which destruction to 
stop, Blackmore, a famous modern, (but one of the 
mercenaries,) strenuously opposed himself, and 
darted a javelin with a strong hand, which, falling 15 
short of its mark, struck deep in the earth. Then 
Lucan threw a lance; but ^sculapius came unseen, 
and turned of¥ the point. Brave modern, said 
Lucan, I perceive some god protects you, for never 
did my arm so deceive me before; but what mortal 20 
can contend with a god? Therefore, let us fight 
no longer, but present gifts to each other. Lucan 
then bestowed the modern a pair of spurs, and 
Blackmore gave Lucan a bridle. 5fc >?: 5jc 

Paiica de- ^ ^ ^m -^^ ^ ^ -^ 

C/t 1 1/1 f ^ 5i^ ^ ^ '** ''* ^ ^ 

Creech: but the goddess Dulness took a cloud, 
formed into the shape of Horace, armed and 30 
mounted, and placed it in a flying posture before 



THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 8 1 

him. Glad was the cavalier to begin a combat with 
a flying foe, and pursued the image, threatening 
loud; till at last it led him to the peaceful bower 
of his father, Ogilby, by whom he was disarmed, 
5 and assigned to his repose. 

Then Pindar slew — , and — , and Oldham, and 
— , and Afra the Amazon, light of foot; never ad- 
vancing in a direct line, but wheeling with in- 
credible agility and force, he made a terrible 

10 slaughter among the enemy's light horse. Him 
when Cowley observed, his generous heart burnt 
within him, and he advanced against the fierce an- 
cient, imitating his address, and pace, and career, 
as well as the vigour of his horse and his own skill 

15 would allow. When the two cavaliers had ap- 
proached within the length of three javelins, first 
Cowley threw a lance, which missed Pindar, and, 
passing into the enemy's ranks, fell ineffectual to 
the ground. Then Pindar darted a javelin so large 

20 and weighty, that scarce a dozen cavaliers, as cava- 
liers are in our, degenerate days, could raise it from 
the ground; yet he threw it with ease, and it went, 
by an unerring hand, singing through the air; nor 
could the modern have avoided present death, if he 

25 had not luckily opposed the shield, that had been 
given him by Venus. And now both heroes drew 
their swords; but the modern was so aghast and 
disordered, that he knew not where he was; his 
shield dropped from his hands; thrice he fled, and 

30 thrice he could not escape; at last he turned, and 
lifting up his hands in the posture of a suppliant, 



82 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 

Godlike Pindar, said he, spare my life, and possess 
my horse, with these arms, besides the ransom 
which my friends will give, when they hear I am 
alive, and your prisoner. Dog! said Pindar, let 
your ransom stay with your friends; but your 5 
carcass shall be left for the fowls of the air and the 
beasts of the field. With that he raised his sword, 
and, with a mighty stroke, cleft the wretched mod- 
ern in twain, the sword pursuing the blow; and one 
half lay panting on the ground, to be trod in pieces 10 
by the horses' feet; the other half was borne by 
the frighted steed through the field. This Venus 
took," washed it seven times in ambrosia, then 
struck it thrice with a sprig of amarant; upon 
which the leather grew round and soft, and the 15 
leaves turned into feathers, and being gilded before, 
continued gilded still; so it became a dove, and she 
harnessed it to her chariot. ^ ^ ^ ^ 

* * * * Hi ^ Hiatus valde dc- 

* * * * * * Hendus in MS, 20 

Day being far spent, and the numerous forces 
of the moderns half inclining to a retreat, there 
issued forth from a squadron of their heavy-armed 
foot, a captain, whose name was Bentley, in per- 25 
son the most deformed of all the moderns; tall, but 
without shape or comeliness; large, but without 
strength or proportion. His armour was patched 
up of a thousand incoherent pieces; and the sound 
of it, as he marched, was loud and dry, like that 30 
made by the fall of a sheet of lead, which an Etesian 



THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 83 

wind blows suddenly down from the roof of some 
steeple. His helmet was of old rusty iron, but the 
vizard was brass, which, tainted by his breath, cor- 
rupted into copperas, nor wanted gall from the 
5 same fountain; so that, whenever provoked by 
anger or labour, an atramentous quality, of most 
malignant nature, was seen to distil from his lips. 
In his right hand he grasped a flail, and (that he 
might never be unprovided of an offensive wea- 

lopon) a vessel full of ordure in his left. Thus 
completely armed, he advanced with a slow and 
heavy pace where the modern chiefs were holding 
a consult upon the sum of things; who, as he came 
onwards, laughed to behold his crooked leg and 

1 5 hump shoulder, which his boot and armour, vainly 
endeavouring to hide, were forced to comply with 
and expose. The generals made use of him for his 
talent of railing; which, kept within government, 
proved frequently of great service to their cause, 

20 but, at other times, did more mischief than good; 
for, at the least touch of offence, and often without 
any at all, he would, like a wounded elephant, con- 
vert it against his leaders. Such, at this juncture, 
was the disposition of Bentley; grieved to see the 

25 enemy prevail, and dissatisfied with everybody's 
conduct but his own. He humbly gave the mod- 
ern generals to understand, that he conceived, with 
great submission, they were all a pack of rogues, 
and fools, and d — d cowards, and confounded log- 

3ogerheads, and illiterate whelps, and nonsensical 
scoundrels; that, if himself had been constituted 



84 THE BATTLE OE THE BOOKS 

general, those presumptuous dogs, the ancients, 
would, long before this, have been beaten out of 
the field. You, said he, sit here idle; but when I, 
or any other valiant modern, kill an enemy, you 
are sure to seize the spoil. But I will not march 5 
one foot against the foe till you all swear to me, 
that w^homsoever I take or kill, his arms I shall 
quietly possess. Bentley having spoke thus, Scali- 
ger, bestowing him a sour look. Miscreant prater! 
said he, eloquent only in thine eyes, tWu railest 10 
without wit, or truth, or discretion. The malignity 
of thy temper perverteth nature; thy learning 
makes thee more barbarous, thy study of humanity 
more inhuman; thy converse amongst poets more 
grovelling, miry, and dull. All arts of civilizing 15 
others render thee rude and untractable; courts 
have taught thee ill manners, and polite conversa- 
tion hath finished thee a pedant. Besides, a greater 
cow^ard burdeneth not the army. But never de- 
spond; I pass my word, whatever spoil thou 20 
takest shall certainly be thy own; though, I hope, 
that vile carcass will first become a prey to kites and 
worms. 

Bentley durst not reply; but, half choked with 
spleen and rage, withdrew, in full resolution of per- 25 
forming some great achievement. With him, for 
his aid and companion, he took his beloved Wot- 
ton; resolving, by policy or surprise, to attempt 
some neglected quarter of the ancient's army. They 
began their march over carcasses of their slaugh- 30 
tered friends; then to the right of their own forces; 



THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 85 

then wheeled northward, till they came to Aldro- 
vandus's tomb, which they passed on the side of 
the declining sun. And now they arrived, with 
fear, toward the enemy's out-guards; * looking 
5 about, if haply they might spy the quarters of the 
wounded, or some straggling sleepers, unarmed, 
and remote from the rest. As when twO' mongrel 
curs, whom native greediness and domestic want 
provoke and join in partnership, though fearful, 

10 nightly to* invade the folds of some rich grazier, 
they, with tails depressed, and lolling tongues, 
creep soft and slow; meanwhile, the conscious 
moon, now in her zenith, on their guilty heads darts 
perpendicular rays; nor dare they bark, though 

15 much provoked at her refulgent visage, whether 
seen in puddle by reflection, or in sphere direct; 
but one surveys the region round, while the t'other 
scouts the plain, if haply to discover, at distance 
from the flock, some carcass half devoured, the re- 

20 fuse of gorged wolves, or ominous ravens. So 
marched this lovely, loving pair of friends, nor with 
less fear and circumspection, when, at distance, 
they might perceive two shining suits of armour 
hanging upon an oak, and the owners not far off, 

25 in a profound sleep. The two friends drew lots, and 
the pursuing of this adventure fell to Betitley; on 
he went, and, in his van, Confusion and Amaze, 
while Horror and Affright brought up the rear. 
As he came near, behold two heroes of the ancients' 

30 army, Phalaris and ^sop, lay fast asleep: Bent- 
ley would fain have dispatched them both, and, 



86 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 

stealing close, aimed his flail at Phalaris's breast. 
But then the goddess Affright interposing, caught 
the modern in her icy arms, and dragged him from 
the danger she foresaw; both the dormant heroes 
happened to turn at the same instant, though 5 
soundly sleeping, and busy in a dream. For Pha- 
laris was just that minute dreaming how a most 
vile poetaster had lampooned him, and how he had 
got him roaring in his bull. And ^sop dreamed, 
that, as he and the ancient chiefs were lying on the lo 
ground, a wild ass broke loose, ran about, tramp- 
ling and kicking in their faces. Bentley, leaving 
the two heroes asleep, seized on both their armours, 
and withdrew in quest of his darling Wotton. 

He, in the meantime, had wandered long in 15 
search of some enterprize, till at length he arrived 
at a small rivulet, that issued from a fountain hard 
by, called, in the language of mortal men. Helicon. 
Here he stopped, and, parched with thirst, resolved 
to allay it in this limpid stream. Thrice with pro- 20 
fane hands he essayed to raise the water to his lips, 
and thrice it slipped all through his fingers. Then 
he stooped prone on his breast, but, ere his mouth 
had kissed the liquid crystal, Apollo came, and, in 
the channel, held his shield betwixt the modern 25 
and the fountain, so that he drew up nothing but 
mud. For, although no fountain on earth can 
compare with the clearness of Helicon, yet there 
lies at bottom a thick sediment of slime and mud; 
for so Apollo begged of Jupiter, as a punishment to 30 
those who durst attempt to taste it with unhallowed 



THE BATTLE OE THE BOOKS 87 

lips, and for a lesson to all not to draw too deep or 
far from the spring. 

At the fountain-head, Wotton discerned two 
heroes; the one he could not distinguish, but the 
5 other was soon known for Temple, general of the 
allies to the ancients. His back was turned, and he 
was employed in drinking large draughts in his 
helmet from the fountain, where he had withdrawn 
himself to rest from the toils of the war. Wotton 

10 observing him, with quaking knees, and trembling 
hands, spoke thus to himself: Oh that I could kill 
this destroyer of our army, what renown should I 
purchase among the chiefs! but to issue out against 
him, man for man, shield against shield, and lance 

15 against lance, what modern of us dare? For he 
fights like a god, and Pallas, or Apollo, are ever 
at his elbow. But, Oh mother! if what Fame re- 
ports be true, that I am the son of so great a god- 
dess, grant me to hit Temple with this lance, that 

20 the stroke may send him to hell, and that I may re- 
turn in safety and triumph, laden with his spoils. 
The first part of this prayer, the gods granted at 
the intercession of his mother and of Momus; but 
the rest, by a perverse wind sent from Fate was 

25 scattered in the air. Then Wotton grasped his 
lance, and, brandishing it thrice over his head, 
darted it with all his might; the goddess, his 
mother, at the same time, adding strength to his 
arm. Away the lance went hizzing, and reached 

30 even to the belt of the averted ancient, upon which 
lightly grazing, it fell to the ground. Temple 



88 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 

neither felt the weapon touch him, nor heard it fall ; 
and Wotton might have escaped to his army, with 
the honour of having remitted his lance against so 
great a leader, unrevenged; but Apollo, enraged 
that a javelin, flung by the assistance of so foul a 5 
goddess, should pollute his fountain, put on the 

shape of , and softly came to young Boyle, 

who then accompanied Temple: he pointed first 
to the lance, then to the distant modern that flung 
it, and commanded the young hero to take imme- lo 
diate revenge. Boyle, clad in a suit of armour, 
which had been given him by all the gods, imme- 
diately advanced against the trembling foe, who 
now fled before him. As a young lion in the Libyan 
plains, or Araby desert, sent by his aged sire to 15 
hunt for prey, or health, or exercise, he scours 
along, wishing to meet some tiger from the moun- 
tains, or a furious boar; if chance, a wild ass, with 
brayings importune, afifronts his ear, the generous 
beast, though loathing to destain his claws with 20 
blood so vile, yet, much provoked at the offensive 
noise which Echo, foolish nymph, like her ill- 
judging sex, repeats much louder, and with more 
delight than Philomela's song, he vindicates the 
honour of the forest, and hunts the noisy long- 25 
eared animal. So Wotton fled, so Boyle pursued. 
But Wotton, heavy-armed, and slow of foot, began 
to slack his course, when his lover, Bentley, ap- 
peared, returning laden with the spoils of the two 
sleeping ancients. Boyle observed him well, and 30 
soon discovering the helmet and shield of Phalaris, 



THE BATTLE OP THE BOOKS 89 

his friend, both which he had lately with his own 
hands new polished and gilded; rage sparkled in 
his eyes, and, leaving his pursuit after Wotton, he 
furiously rushed on against this new approacher. 
5 Fain would he be revenged on both; but both now 
fled different ways; and, as a woman in a little 
house that gets a painful livelihood by spinning; 
if chance her geese be scattered o'er the common, 
she courses round the plain from side to side, com- 

lopelling here and there the stragglers to the flock; 
they cackle loud, and flutter o'er the champaign. 
So Boyle pursued, so fled this pair of friends; find- 
ing at length their flight was vain, they bravely 
joined, and drew themselves in phalanx. First 

isBentley threw a spear with all his force, hoping to 
pierce the enemy's breast; but Pallas came unseen, 
and in the air took ofif the point, and clapped on 
one of lead, which, after a dead bang against the 
enemy's shield, fell blunted to the ground. Then 

20 Boyle, observing well his time, took a lance of 
wondrous length and sharpness; and, as this pair 
of friends compacted, stood close side to side, he 
wheeled him tO' the right, and, with unusual force, 
darted the weapon. Bentley saw. his fate approach, 

25 and flanking down his arms close to his ribs, 
hoping to save his body, in went the point, passing 
through arm and side, nor stopped or spent its 
force, till it had also pierced the valiant Wotton, 
who, going to sustain his dying friend, shared his 

30 fate. As when a skilful cook has trussed a brace 
of woodcocks, he, with iron skewer, pierces the 



90 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 

tender sides of both, their legs and wings close 
pinioned to their ribs; so was this pair of friends 
transfixed, till down they fell, joined in their lives, 
joined in their deaths; so closely joined, that 
Charon will mistake them both for one, and waft 5 
them over Styx for half his fare. Farewell, beloved, 
loving pair! few equals have you left behind: and 
happy and immortal shall you be, if all my wit and 
eloquence can make you. 

And, now * * * Jk * h« 10 

* * Destmt ccBtera. 



AN ARGUMENT 

TO PROVE THAT 

XTbe HboUsbing of Cbristianitp in 3EnGlan5 

MAY, AS THINGS NOW STAND, BE ATTENDED WITH SOME 

INCONVENIENCES, AND PERHAPS NOT PRODUCE 

THOSE MANY GOOD EFFECTS PROPOSED 

THEREBY 

WRITTEN IN THE YEAR 1708 

I AM very sensible what a weakness and presump- 
tion it is, to reason against the general humour and 
disposition of the world. I remember it was with 
great justice, and a due regard to the freedom both 
5 of the pubHc and the press, forbidden upon several 
penalites to write, or discourse, or lay wagers 
against the Union even before it was confirmed by 
Parliament, because that was looked upon as a de- 
sign, to oppose the current of the people, which 

10 besides the folly of it, is a manifest breach of the 
fundamental law that makes this majority of opin- 
ion the voice of God. In like manner, and for the 
very same reasons, it may perhaps be neither safe 
nor prudent to argue against the abolishing of 

^5 Christianity: at a juncture when all parties seem 
so unanimously determined upon the point, as we 

91 



g2 AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY 

cannot but allow from their actions, their dis- 
courses, and their writings. However, I know not 
how, whether from the affectation of singularity, or 
the perverseness of human nature, but so it unhap- 
pily falls out, that I cannot be entirely of this 5 
opinion. Nay, though I were sure an order were 
issued for my immediate prosecution by the Attor- 
ney-General, I should still confess that in the 
present posture of our affairs at home or abroad, I 
do not yet see the absolute necessity of extirpating lo 
the Christian religion from among us. 

This may perhaps appear too great a paradox 
even for our wise and paradoxical age to endure; 
therefore I shall handle it with all tenderness, and 
with the utmost deference to that great and pro- ^5 
found majority which is of another sentiment. 

And yet the curious may please to observe, how 
much the genius of a nation is liable to alter in half 
an age. I have heard it affirmed for certain by 
some very old people, that the contrary opinion 20 
was even in their memories as much in vogue as 
the other is now. And, that a project for the abol- 
ishing of Christianity would then have appeared as 
singular, and been thought as absurd, as it would 
be at this time to write or discourse in its defence. 25 

Therefore I freely own, that all appearances are 
against me. The system of the gospel, after the 
fate of other systems, is generally antiquated and 
exploded ; and the mass or body of the common 
people, among whom it seems to have had its latest 30 
credit, are now grown as much ashamed of it as 



AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY 93 

their betters; opinions, like fashions, always de- 
scending from those of quality to the middle sort, 
and thence to the vulgar, where at length they are 
dropped and vanish. 

5 But here I would not be mistaken, and must 
therefore be so bold as to borrow a distinction from 
the writers on the other side, when they make a 
difference between nominal and real Trinitarians. 
I hope no reader imagines me so weak to stand up 

lo in the defence of real Christianity, such as used, in 
primitive times, (if we may believe the authors of 
those ages) to have an influence upon men's belief 
and actions : to offer at the restoring of that, would 
indeed be a wild project; it would be to dig up 

15 foundations ; to destroy, at one blow, all the wit, 
and half the learning, of the kingdom ; to break the 
entire frame and constitution of things ; to ruin 
trade, extinguish arts and sciences, with the profes- 
sors of them ; in short, to turn our courts, ex- 

20 changes, and shops, into deserts ; and would be full 
as absurd as the proposal of Horace, where he ad- 
vises the Romans, all in a body, to leave their city, 
and seek a new seat in some remote part of the 
world, by way of cure for the corruption of their 

25 manners. 

Therefore I think this caution was in itself alto- 
gether unnecessary, (which I have inserted only to 
prevent all possibility of cavilling) since every can- 
did reader will easily understand my discourse to 

30 be intended only in defence of nominal Christian- 
ity; the other having been for some time wholly 



94 AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY 

laid aside by general consent, as utterly inconsistent 
with our present schemes of wealth and power. 

But why we should therefore cast off the name 
and title of Christians, although the general opinion 
and resolution be so violent for it, I confess I can- 5 
not (with submission) apprehend, nor is the conse- 
quence necessary. However, since the undertakers 
propose such wonderful advantages to the nation 
by this project, and advance many plausible objec- 
tions against the system of Christianity, I shall 10 
briefly consider the strength of both, fairly allow 
them their greatest weight, and offer such answers 
as I think most reasonable. After which I will beg 
leave to shew, what inconveniences may possibly 
happen by such an innovation, in the present pos-15 
ture of our affairs. 

First, one great advantage proposed by the abol- 
ishing of Christianity, is, that it would very much 
enlarge and establish liberty of conscience, that 
great bulwark of our nation, and of the protestant 20 
religion ; which is still too much limited by priest- 
craft, notwithstanding all the good intentions of the 
legislature, as we have lately found by a severe in- 
stance. For it is confidently reported, that two 
young gentlemen of real hopes, bright wit, and pro- 25 
found judgment, who, upon a thorough examina- 
tion of causes and effects, and by the mere force of ' 
natural abilities, without the least tincture of learn- 
ing, having made a discovery that there was no 
God, and generously communicating their thoughts 30 
for the good of the public, were some time ago, by 



AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY 9$ 

an unparalleled severity, and upon I know not what 
obsolete law, broke for blasphemy. And as it has 
been wisely observed, if persecution once begins, 
no man alive knows how far it may reach, or where 
5 it will end. 

In answer to all which, with deference to wiser 
judgments, I think this rather shews the necessity 
of a nominal religion among us. Great wits love 
to be free with the highest objects ; and if they can- 

10 not be allowed a God to revile or renounce^ they 
will speak evil of dignities, abuse the government, 
and reflect upon the ministry ; which I am sure few 
will deny to be of much more pernicious conse- 
quence, according to the saying of Tiberius, deorum 

15 offensa diis curce. As to the particular fact related, 
I think it is not fair to argue from one instance, 
perhaps another cannot be produced : yet (to the 
comfort of all those who may be apprehensive of 
persecution) blasphemy, we know, is freely spoken 

2o a million of times in every coffeehouse and tavern, 
or wherever else good company meet. It must be 
allowed, indeed, that to break an English free-born 
officer, only for blasphemy, was, to speak the gent- 
lest of such an action, a very high strain of absolute 

25 power. Little can be said in excuse for the gen- 
eral; perhaps he was afraid it might give offence to 
the allies^ among whom, for aught we know, it may 
be the custom of the country to believe a God. 
But if he argued, as some have done, upon a mis- 

30 taken principle, that an officer who is guilty of 
speaking blasphemy, may some time or other pro- 



96 AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY 

ceed so far as to raise a mutiny, the consequence is 
by no means to be admitted ; for surely the com- 
mander of an Enghsh army is likely to be but ill 
obeyed, whose soldiers fear and reverence him as 
little as they do a Deity. 5 

It is farther objected against the gospel system, 
that it obliges men to the belief of things too diffi- 
cult for free-thinkers, and such who have shaken of? 
the prejudices that usually cling to a confined edu- 
cation. To which I answer, that men should be 10 
cautious how they raise objections, which reflect 
upon the wisdom of the nation. Is not every body 
freely allowed to believe whatever he pleases, and 
to publish his belief to the world whenever he thinks 
fit, especially if it serves to strengthen the party 15 
which is in the right? Would any indififerent for- 
eigner, who should read the trumpery lately writ- 
ten by Asgill, Tindal^ Toland, Coward, and forty 
more, imagine the gospel to be our rule of faith, 
and confirmed by parliaments? Does any man 20 
either believe, or say he believes, or desire to have 
it thought that he says he believes, one syllable of 
the matter? And is any man worse received upon 
that score, or does he find his want of nominal faith 
a disadvantage to him, in the pursuit of any civil or 25 
military employment? What if there be an old 
dormant statute or two against him, are they not 
now obsolete to a degree, that Empson and Dudley 
themselves, if they were now alive, would find it 
impossible to put them in execution ? 30 

It is likewise urged, that there are, by computa- 



AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY 97 

tion, in this kingdom, above ten thousand parsons, 
whose revenues added to those of my lords the 
bishops, would suffice to maintain at least two hun- 
dred young gentlemen of wit and pleasure, and 
5 freethinking, enemies to priestcraft, narrow princi- 
ples, pedantry, and prejudices; who might be an 
ornament to the court and town: and then again, 
so great a number of able (bodied) divines, might 
be a recruit to our fleet and armies. This indeed 

lo appears to be a consideration of some weight: but 
then, on the other side, several things deserve to be 
considered likewise: as first, whether it may not 
be thought necessary, that in certain tracts of coun- 
try, like what we call parishes, there shall be one 

15 man at least of abilities to read and write. Then 
it seems a wrong computation, that the revenues 
of the church throughout this island, would be large 
enough to maintain two hundred young gentlemen, 
or even half that number, after the present refined 

20 way of living; that is, to allow each of them such 
a rent, as, in the modern form of speech, would 
make them easy. But still there is in this project 
a greater mischief behind; and we ought to beware 
of the woman's folly, who killed the hen, that every 

25 morning laid her a golden ^^^. For, pray what 
would become of the race of men in the next age, 
if we had nothing to trust to beside the scrofulous, 
consumptive productions, furnished by our men of 
wit and pleasure, when, having squandered away 

30 their vigour, health, and estates, they are forced, 
by some disagreeable marriage, to piece up their 



98 AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY 

broken fortunes, and entail rottenness and polite- 
ness on their posterity? Now, here are ten thou- 
sand persons reduced, by the wise regulations of 
Henry the Eighth, to the necessity of a low diet, 
and moderate exercise, who are the only great re- 5 
storers of our breed, without which the nation 
would, in an age or two, become one great hospital. 

Another advantage proposed by the abolishing 
of Christianity, is, the clear gain of one day in 
seven, which is now entirely lost, and consequently 10 
the kingdom one seventh less considerable in trade, 
business, and pleasure; beside tlie loss to the pubHc 
of so many stately structures, now in the hands of 
the clergy, which might be converted into play- 
houses, market-houses, exchanges, common dormi- 15 
tories, and other public edifices. 

I hope I shall be forgiven a hard word, if I call 
this a perfect cavil. I readily own there has been 
an old custom, time out of mind, for people to as- 
semble in the churches every Sunday, and that 20 
shops are still frequently shut, in order, as it is con- 
ceived, to preserve the memory of that ancient 
practice; but how this can prove a hindrance to 
business or pleasure, is hard to imagine. What if 
the men of pleasure are forced, one day in the week, 25 
to game at home instead of the chocolate-houses? 
are not the taverns and coffee-houses open? can 
there be a more convenient season for taking a dose 
of physic? is not that the chief day for traders to 
sum up the accounts of the week, and for lawyers 3o 
to prepare their briefs? But I would fain know, 



AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY 99 

how it can be pretended, that the churches are mis- 
appHed? where are more appointments and ren- 
dezvouses of gallantry? where more care to appear 
in the foremost box, with greater advantage of 
5 dress? where more meetings for business? where 
more bargains driven of all sorts? and where so 
many conveniences or enticements to sleep? 

There is one advantage, greater than any of the 
foregoing, proposed by the abolishing of Christian- 

Toity; that it will utterly extinguish parties among us, 
by removing those factious distinctions of high and 
low church, of whig and tory, presbyterian and 
church of England, which are now so many griev- 
ous clogs upon public proceedings, and are apt to 

15 dispose men to prefer the gratifying of themselves, 
or depressing of their adversaries, before the most 
important interest of the state. 

I confess, if it were certain, that so great an ad- 
vantage would redound to the nation by this 

20 expedient, I would submit and be silent; but will 
any man say, that if the words drinking, cheating, 
lying, stealing, were, by act of parliament, ejected 
out of the English tongue and dictionaries, we 
should all awake next morning chaste and temper- 

25 ate, honest and just, and lovers of truth? Is this 
a fair consequence? Or, if the physicians would 
forbid us to pronounce the words gout, rheumatism, 
and stone, would that expedient serve, like so many 
talismans, to destroy the diseases themselves? Are 

30 party and faction rooted in men's hearts no deeper 
than phrases borrowed from religion, or founded 



lOO AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY 

Upon no firmer principles? And is our language 
so poor, that we cannot find other terms to express 
them? Are envy^ pride, avarice, and ambition such 
ill nomenclators, that they cannot furnish appella- 
tions for their owners? Will not hey dukes and 5 
mamahikcs, mandarins, and patshazvs, or any other 
words formed at pleasure, serve to distinguish 
those who are in the ministry, from others, who 
would be in it if they could? What, for instance, 
is easier than to vary the form of speech, and in- lo 
stead of the word church, make it a question in 
politics, whether the Monument be in danger? 
Because religion was nearest at hand to furnish a 
few convenient phrases, is our invention so barren, 
we can find no other? Suppose, for argument sake, ^5 
that the tories favoured Margarita, the whigs Mrs. 
Tofts, and the trimmers Valentini; would not Mar- 
garitians, Toftians, and Valentinians be very tol- 
erable marks of distinction? The Prasini and 
Veniti, two most virulent factions in Italy, began 20 
(if I remember right) by a distinction of colours in 
ribbons; and we might contend with as good a 
grace about the dignity of the blue and the green, 
which would serve as properly to divide the court, 
the parliament, and the kingdom, between them, as 25 
any terms of art whatsoever, borrowed from reli- 
gion. And therefore, I think, there is little force 
in this objection against Christianity, or prospect 
of so great an advantage, as is proposed in the abol- 
ishing of it. 20 
It is again objected, as a very absurd, ridiculous 



AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY lOl 

custom, that a set of men should be suffered, much 
less employed and hired, to bawl one day in seven 
against the lawfulness of those methods most in 
use, toward the pursuit of greatness, riches, and 
5 pleasure, which are the constant practice of all men 
alive on the other six. But this objection is, I 
think, a little unworthy of so refined an age as ours. 
Let us argue this matter calmly: I appeal to the 
breast of any polite freethinker, whether, in the pur- 

10 suit of gratif3ang a predominant passion, he has not 
always felt a wonderful incitement, by reflecting it 
was a thing forbidden: and, therefore, we see, in 
order to cultivate this taste, the wisdom of the 
nation has taken special care, that the ladies should 

15 be furnished with prohibited silks, and the men 
with prohibited wine. And, indeed, it were to be 
wished, that some other prohibitions were pro- 
moted, in order to improve the pleasures of the 
town; which, for want of such expedients, begin 

20 already, as I am told, to flag and grow languid, 
giving way daily to cruel inroads from the spleen. 

It is likewise proposed as a great advantage to 
the public, that if we once discard the system of the 
gospel, all religion will of course be banished for 

25 ever; and consequently, along with it, those griev- 
ous prejudices of education, which, under the names 
of virtiiCy conscience, honour, justice, and the like, are 
so apt to disturb the peace of human minds, and 
the notions whereof are so hard to be eradicated, 

30 by right reason, or freethinking, sometimes during 
the whole course of our lives. 



102 AG A INS 7' ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY 

Here first I observe, how difficult it is to get rid \ 
of a phrase, which the world is once grown fond of, 
though the occasion that first produced it, be en- 
tirely taken aw^ay. For several years past, if a man 
had but an ill-favoured nose, the deep-thinkers of 5 
the age would, some way or other, contrive to im- 
pute the cause to the prejudice of his education. 
From this fountain were said to be derived all our 
foolish notions of justice, piety, love of our country; 
all our opinions of God, or a future state. Heaven, lo 
Hell, and the like: and there might formerly per- 
haps have been some pretence for this charge. 
But so efi^ectual care has been taken to remove 
those prejudices, by an entire change in the meth- 
ods of education, that (wath honour I mention it to 15 
our polite innovators) the young gentlemen, who 
are now on the scene, seem to have not the least 
tincture left of those infusions, or string of those 
weeds: and, by consequence, the reason for abol- 
ishing nominal Christianity upon that pretext, is 20 
wholly ceased. 

For the rest, it may perhaps admit a controversy, 
whether the banishing of all notions of religion 
whatsoever, would be convenient for the vulgar. 
Not that I am in the least of opinion with those, 25 
who hold religion to have been the invention of 
politicians, to keep the lower part of the world in 
awe, by the fear of invisible powers; unless man- 
kind were then very different to what it is now: for 
I look upon the mass or body of our people here 30 
in England, to be as freethinkers, that is to say, as 



AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY I03 

staunch unbelievers, as any of the highest rank. 
But I conceive some scattered notions about a 
superior power, to be of singular use for the com- 
mon people, as furnishing excellent materials to 
5 keep children quiet when they grow peevish, and 
providing topics of amusement, in a tedious winter- 
night. 

Lastly, it is proposed, as a singular advantage, 
that the abolishing of Christianity will very much 

10 contribute to the uniting of protestants, by enlarg- 
ing the terms of communion, so as to take in all 
sorts of dissenters, who are now shut out of the 
pale, upon account of a few ceremonies, which all 
sides confess to be things indifferent; that this alone 

15 will effectually answer the great ends of a scheme 
for comprehension, by opening a large noble gate, 
at which all bodies may enter; whereas the chaffer- 
ing with dissenters, and dodging about this or the 
other ceremony, is but like opening a few wickets, 

20 and leaving them at jar, by which no more than one 
can get in at a time, and that, not without stoop- 
ing, and sideling, and squeezing his body. 

To all this I answer, that there is one darling in- 
cHnation of mankind, which usually affects to be a 

25 retainer to religion, though she be neither its par- 
ent, its godmother, or its friend; I mean the spirit 
of opposition, that lived long before Christianity, 
and can easily subsist without it. Let us, for in- 
stance, examine wherein the opposition of sectaries 

30 among us consists ; we shall find Christianity to 
have no share in it at all. Does the gospel any- 



104 AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY 



where prescribe a starched, squeezed countenance, 
a stiff, formal gait, a singularity of manners and 
habit, or any affected modes of speech, different 
from the reasonable part of mankind? Yet, if 
Christianity did not lend its name to stand in the 5 
gap, and to employ or divert these humours, they 
must of necessity be spent in contraventions to the 
laws of the land, and disturbance of the public peace. 
There is a portion of enthusiasm assigned to every 
nation, which, if it has not proper objects to work 10 
on, will burst out, and set all in a flame. If the 
quiet of a state can be bought, by only flinging 
men a few ceremonies to devour, it is a purchase 
no wise man would refuse. Let the mastiffs amuse 
themselves about a sheep's skin stuffed with hay, i5 
provided it will keep them from worrying the flock. 
The constitution of convents abroad, seems, in one 
point, a strain of great wisdom; there being few 
irregularities in human passions, that may not have 
recourse to vent themselves in some of those or- 20 
ders, which are so many retreats for the specula- 
tive, the melancholy, the proud, the silent, the 
politic, and the morose, to spend themselves, and 
evaporate the noxious particles; for each of whom, 
we, in this island, are forced to provide a several 25 
sect of religion, to keep them quiet: and whenever 
Christianity shall be abolished, the legislature must 
find some other expedient to employ and entertain 
them. For what imports it how large a gate you 
open, if there will be always left a number, who 30 
place a pride and a merit in refusing to enter? 



AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY IO5 

Having thus considered the most important ob- 
jections against Christianity, and the chief advan- 
tages proposed by the aboHshing thereof, I 
shall now, with equal deference and submission to 
5 wiser judgments, as before^ proceed to mention a 
few inconveniences that may happen, if the gospel 
should be repealed, which perhaps the projectors 
may not have sufficiently considered. 

And first, I am very sensible how much the gen- 

10 tlemen of wit and pleasure are apt to murmur, and 
be choqued at the sight of so many daggled-tail 
parsons, who happen to fall in their way, and offend 
their eyes ; but, at the same time, these wise reform- 
ers do not consider, what an advantage and felicity 

15 it is, for great wits to be always provided with ob- 
jects of scorn and contempt, in order to exercise 
and improve their talents, and divert their spleen 
from falling on each other, or on themselves; 
especially when all this may be done, without the 

20 least imaginable danger to their persons. 

And to urge- another argument of a parallel 
nature : if Christianity were once abolished, how 
could the freethinkers, the strong reasoners, and 
the men of profound learning, be able to find an- 

25 other subject, so calculated in all points, whereon 
to display their abiHties? what wonderful produc- 
tions of wit should we be deprived of, from those, 
whose genius, by continual practice, has been 
wholly turned upon raillery and invectives against 

30 religion, and would therefore never be able to shine 
or distinguish themselves, upon any other subject ! 



Io6 AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY 

we are daily complaining of the great decline of 
wit among us, and would we take away the great- 
est, perhaps the only, topic we have left? who 
would ever have suspected Asgill for a wit, or 
Toland for a philosopher, if the inexhaustible stock 5 
of Christianity had not been at hand, to provide 
them with materials? what other subject, through 
all art or nature^ could have produced Tindal for a 
profound author, or furnished him with readers ? it 
is the wise choice of the subject, that alone adorns 10 
and distinguishes the writer. For, had a hundred 
such pens as these been employed on the side of 
religion, they would have immediately sunk into 
silence and oblivion. 

Nor do I think it wholly groundless, or my fears 1 5 
altogether imaginary, that the abolishing Chris- 
tianity may perhaps bring the church into danger, 
or at least put the senate to the trouble of another 
securing vote. I desire I may not be misappre- 
hended; I am far from presuming to affirm, or 20 
think, that the church is in danger at present, or as 
things now stand; but we know not how soon it 
may be so, wh^n the Christian religion is repealed. 
As plausible as this project seems, there may be a 
dangerous design lurking under it. Nothing can 25 
be more notorious, than that the Atheists, Deists, 
Socinians, Anti-trinitarians, and other subdivisions 
of freethinkers, are persons of little zeal for the 
present ecclesiastical establishment : their declared 
opinion is for repealing the sacramental test; they 30 
are very indifferent with regard to ceremonies ; nor 



AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY \Oj 

do they hold the jus divinnm of episcopacy; there- 
fore this may be intended as one poHtic step toward 
altering the constitution of the church established, 
and setting up presbytery in the stead, which I 
5 leave to be farther considered by those at the helm. 
In the last place, I think nothing can be more 
. plain, than that, by this expedient, we shall run 
into the evil we chiefly pretend to avoid : and that 
the abolishment of the Christian religion will be 

TO the readiest course we can take to introduce popery. 
And I am the more inclined to this opinion, because 
we know it has been the constant practice of the 
Jesuits, to send over emissaries, with instructions to 
personate themselves members of the several pre- 

15 vailing sects among us. So it is recorded, that they 
have at sundry times appeared in the disguise of 
Presbyterians, Anabaptists, Independents, and 
Quakers, according as any of these were most in 
credit ; so, since the fashion has been taken up of 

20 exploding religion, the popish missionaries have not 
been wanting to mix with the freethinkers ; among 
whom Toland, the great oracle of the Antichris- 
tians, is an Irish priest, the son of an Irish priest; 
and the most learned and ingenioils author of a 

25 book, called The Rights of the Christian Church, 
was in a proper juncture reconciled to the Romish 
faith, whose true son, as appears by a hundred pas- 
sages in his treatise, he still continues. Perhaps I 
could add some others to the number ; but the fact 

30 is beyond dispute, and the reasoning they proceed 
by is right : for, supposing Christianity to be ex- 



I08 AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY 



m 



tinguished, the people will never be at ease till they 
find out some other method of worship ; which will 
as infallibly produce superstition, as superstition 
will end in popery. 

And therefore, if, notwithstanding all I have said, 5 
it still be thought necessary to have a bill brought 
in for repealing Christianity, I would humbly offer 
an amendment, that instead of the word Christian- 
ity, may be put religion in general ; which, I con- 
ceive, will much better answer all the good ends ^o 
proposed by the projectors of it. For, as long as 
we leave in being a God and his providence, with 
all the necessary consequences which curious and 
inquisitive men will be apt to draw from such prem- 
ises, we do not strike at the root of the evil, 15 
though we should ever so effectually annihilate the 
present scheme of the gospel : for, of what use is 
freedom of thought, if it will not produce freedom 
of action? which is the sole end, how remote so- 
ever in appearance^ of all objections against Chris- 20 
tianity; and, therefore, the freethinkers consider it 
as a sort of edifice, wherein all the parts have such 
a mutual dependence on each other, that if you 
happen to pull out one single nail, the whole fabric 
must fall to the ground. This was happily ex- 25 
pressed by him, who had heard of a text brought 
for proof of the Trinity, which in an ancient manu- 
script was differently read; he thereupon immedi- 
ately took the hint, and by a sudden deduction of a 
long sorites, most logically concluded ; '' Why, if it 30 
be as you say, I may safely sin and drink on, and 



AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY IO9 

defy the parson/' From which, and many the like 
instances easy to be produced, I think nothing can 
be more manifest, than that the quarrel is not 
against any particular points of hard digestion in 
5 the Christian system, but against religion in gen- 
eral ; which, by laying restraints on human nature, 
is supposed the great enemy to the freedom of 
thought and action. 

Upon the whole, if it shall still be thought for the 

10 benefit of church and state, that Christianity be 
abolished, I conceive, however, it may be more 
convenient to defer the execution to a time of 
peace; and not venture, in this conjuncture, to dis- 
oblige our allies, who^ as it falls out, are all Chris- 

15 tians, and many of them, by the prejudices of their 
education, so bigoted, as to place a sort of pride in 
the appellation. If upon being rejected by them, 
we are to trust an alliance with the Turk, we shall 
find ourselves much deceived : for, as he is too re- 

20 mote, and generally engaged in war with the Per- 
sian emperor, so his people would be more scandal- 
ized at our infidelity, than our Christian neighbours. 
For the Turks are not only strict observers of 
religious worship, but, what is worse, believe a 

25 God ; which is more than is required of us, even 
while we preserve the name of Christians. 

To conclude : whatever some may think of the 
great advantages to trade by this favourite scheme, 
I do very much apprehend, that in six months' time 

30 after the act is passed for the extirpation of the 
gospel, the Bank and East India stock may fall at 



no AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY 

least one per cent. And since that is fifty times 
more than ever the wisdom of our age thought fit 
to venture, for the preservation of Christianity, 
there is no reason we should be at so great a loss, 
merely for the sake of destroying it. 5 



Zbc ©rapier's Xetters 

LETTER IV 

TO 

THE WHOLE PEOPLE OF IRELAND 

October 23, 1724. 

My Dear Countrymen, — Having already Writ- 
ten three letters upon so disagreeable a subject as 
Mr. Wood and his halfpence, I conceived my task 
was at an end ; but I find that cordials must be f re- 
5 quently applied to weak constitutions, political as 
well as natural. A people long used to hardships 
lose by degrees the very notions of liberty. They 
look upon themselves as creatures at mercy, and 
that all impositions, laid on them by a stronger 

10 hand, are, in the phrase of the Report, legal and 
obligatory. Hence proceed that poverty and low- 
ness of spirit, to which a kingdom may be subject, 
as well as a particular person. And when Esau 
came fainting from the field at the point to die, it 

15 is no wonder that he sold his birthright for a mess 
of pottage. 

I thought I had sufficiently shewn, to all who 
could want instruction, by what methods they 
might safely proceed, whenever this coin should be 

III 



1 1 2 THE DRA PIER 'S LE TTERS 

offered to them; and, I believe, there has not been, 
for many ages, an example of any kingdom so 
firmly united in a poipt of great importance, as 
this of ours is at present against that detestable 
fraud. But, however, it so happens, that some 5 
weak people begin to be alarmed anew by rumours 
industriously spread. Wood prescribes to the news- 
mongers in London what they are to write. In one 
of their papers, published here by some obscure 
printer, and certainly with a bad design, we are lo 
told, '' That the Papists in Ireland have entered 
into an association against his coin," although it 
be notoriously known, that they never once offered 
to stir in the matter; so that the two Houses of 
Parliament, the Privy-council, the great number of 15 
corporations, the lord mayor and aldermen of Dub- 
lin, the grand juries, and principal gentlemen of 
several counties, are stigmatized in a lump under 
the name of " Papists." 

This imposter and his crew do likewise give out, 20 
that, by refusing to receive his dross for sterling, 
we '' dispute the King's prerogative, are grown ripe 
for rebellion, and ready to shake off the dependency 
of Ireland upon the crown of England." To coun- 
tenance which reports, he has published a para- 25 
graph in another newspaper, to let us know, that 
" the Lord-lieutenant is ordered to come over im- 
mediately to settle his halfpence." 

I entreat you, my dear countrymen, not to be 
under the least concern upon these and the like ru- 30 
mours, which are no more than th^ Ust howls of a 



THE DRAPIER'S LETTERS 1 13 

dog dissected alive, as I hope he has sufficiently 
been. These calumnies are the only reserve that is 
left him. For surely our continued and (almost) 
unexampled loyalty, will never be called in ques- 
5 tion, for not suffering ourselves to be robbed of all 
that we have by one obscure ironmonger. 

As to disputing the King's prerogative, give me 
leave to explain, to those who are ignorant, what 
the meaning of that word prerogative is. 

10 The Kings of these realms enjoy several powers, 
wherein the laws have not interposed. So, they 
can make war and peace without the consent of 
Parliament — and this is a very great prerogative: 
but if the Parliament does not approve of the war, 

15 the King must bear the charge of it out of his own 
purse — and this is a great check on the crown. So, 
the King has a prerogative to coin money without 
consent of Parliament; but he cannot compel the 
subject to take that money, except it be sterling 

20 gold or silver, because herein he is limited by law. 
Some princes have, indeed, extended their preroga- 
tive farther than the law allowed them; wherein, 
however, the lawyers of succeeding ages, as fond 
as they are of precedents, have never dared to 

25 justify them. But, to say the truth, it is only of late 
times that prerogative has been fixed and ascer- 
tained; for, whoever reads the history of England 
will find, that some former Kings, and those none 
of the worst, have, upon several occasions, ventured 

30 to control the laws, with very little ceremony or 
scruple, even later than the days of Queen Eliza- 



114 THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS 

beth. In her reign, that pernicious counsel of send- 
ing base money hither, very narrowly failed of 
losing the kingdom — being complained of by the 
lord-deputy, the council, and the whole body of the 
English here; so that, soon after her death, it was 5 
recalled by her successor, and lawful money paid in 
exchange. 

Having thus given you some notion of what is 
meant by '' the King's prerogative,'' as far as a 
tradesman can be thought capable of explaining it, 10 
I will only add the opinion of the great Lord 
Bacon : '' That, as God governs the world by the 
settled laws of nature, which he has made, and 
never transcends those laws but upon high im- 
portant occasions, so, among earthly princes, those 15 
are the wisest and the best, who govern by the 
known laws of the country, and seldomest make use 
of their prerogative." 

Now here you may see, that the vile accusation 
of Wood and his accomplices, charging us with dis- 20 
puting the King's prerogative by refusing his brass, 
can have no place — because compelling the subject 
to take any coin which is not sterling, is no part of 
the King's prerogative, and, I am very confident, 
if it were so, we should be the last of his people to 25 
dispute it; as well from that inviolable loyalty we 
have always paid to his Majesty, as from the treat- 
ment we might, in such a case, justly expect from 
some, who seem to think we have neither common 
sense, nor common senses. But, God be thanjced, 30 
the best of them are only our fellow-subjects, and 



THE DKAFIER'S LETTERS II5 

not our masters. One great merit I am sure we 
have, which those of EngHsh birth can have no 
pretence to — that our ancestors reduced this king- 
dom to the obedience of England; for which we 
5 have been rewarded with a worse cHmate, — the 
privilege of being governed by laws to which we do 
not consent, — 2. ruined trade, — a House of Peers 
without jurisdiction, — almost an incapacity for all 
employments, — and the dread of Wood's halfpence. 

10 But we are so far from disputing the King's 
prerogative in coining, that we own he has power 
to give a patent to any man for setting his royal 
image and superscription upon whatever materials 
he pleases, and Hberty to the patentee to offer 

15 them in any country from England to Japan; only 
attended with one small limitation — that nobody 
alive is obliged to take them. 

Upon these considerations, I was ever against all 
recourse to England for a remedy against the pres- 

20 ent impending evil; especially when I observed, that 
the addresses of both Houses, after long expect- 
ance, produced nothing but a Report, altogether in 
favour of Wood; upon which I made some obser- 
vations in a former letter, and might at least have 

25 made as many more, for it is a paper of as singular 
a nature as I ever beheld. 

But I mistake; for, before this Report was made, 
his Majesty's most gracious answer to the House 
of Lords was sent over, and printed; wherein are 

30 these words, granting the patent for coining half- 
pence and farthings, '' agreeable to the practice of 



Il6 THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS 

his royal predecessors/' &c. That King Charles II. 
and King James II. (and they only,) did grant 
patents for this purpose, is indisputable, and I have 
shewn it at large. Their patents were passed un- 
der the great seal of Ireland, by references to Ire- 5 
land; the copper to be coined in Ireland; the 
patentee was bound, on demand, to receive his coin 
back in Ireland, and pay silver and gold in return. 
Wood's patent was made under the great seal of 
England; the brass coined in England; not the 10 
least reference made to Ireland; the sum immense, 
and the paten'^ee under no obligation to receive it 
again, and give good money for it. This I only 
mention, because, in my private thoughts, I have 
sometimes made a query, whether the penner of 15 
those words in his Majesty's most gracious answer, 
*' agreeable to the practice of his royal predeces- 
sors," had maturely considered the several circum- 
stances, which, in my poor opinion, seem to make 
a difference. 20 

Let me now say something concerning the other 
great cause of some people's fear, as Wood has 
taught the London newswriter to express it, that 
his Excellency the Lord-lieutenant is coming over 
to settle Wood's halfpence. 25 

We know very well, that the Lords-lieutenants, 
for several years past, have not thought this king- 
dom worthy the honour of their residence longer 
than was absolutely necessary for the King's busi- 
ness, which, consequently, wanted no speed in the 30 
dispatch. And therefore it naturally fell into most 



THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS I 17 

men's thoughts, that a new governor, coming at an 
unusual timie, must portend some unusual business 
to be done; especially if the common report be 
true, that the Parliament, prorogued to I know not 
5 when, is by a new summons, revoking that proro- 
gation, to assemble soon after the arrival; for. which 
extraordinary proceeding, the lawyers on the other 
side of the water have, by great good fortune, found 
two precedents. 

lo All this being granted, it can never enter into 
my head, that so little a creature as Wood would 
find credit enough with the King and his ministers, 
to have the Lord-lieutenant of Ireland sent hither 
in a hurry upon his errand. 

15 For, let us take the whole matter nakedly as it 
lies before us, without the refinements of some peo- 
ple with which we have nothing to do. Here is a 
patent granted under the great seal of England, 
upon false suggestions, to one William Wood, for 

2o coining copper halfpence for Ireland. The Parlia- 
m.ent here, upon apprehensions of the worst con- 
sequences from the said patent, address the King 
to have it recalled. This is refused; and a commit- 
tee of the Privy-council report to his Majesty, that 

25 Wood has performed the conditions of his patent. 
He then is left to do the best he can with his half- 
pence, no man being obliged to receive them; the 
people here, being likewise left to themselves, unite 
as one man, resolving they will have nothing to do 

30 with his ware. 

By this plain account of the fact it is manifest. 



Il8 THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS 

that the King and his ministry are wholly out of 
the case, and the matter is left to be disputed be- 
tween him and us. Will any man, therefore, at- 
tempt to persuade me, that a Lord-lieutenant is to 
be dispatched over in great haste before the ordi- 5 
nary time, and a Parliament summoned by antici- 
pating a prorogation, merely to put a hundred 
thousand pounds into the pocket of a sharper, by 
the ruin of a most loyal kingdom? 

But, supposing all this to be true, by what argu- 10 
ments could a Lord-lieutenant prevail on the same 
Parliament which addressed with so much zeal and 
earnestness against this evil, to pass it into a law? 
I am sure their opinion of Wood and his project is 
not mended since their last prorogation; and, sup- 15 
posing those methods should be used, which de- 
tractors tell us have been sometimes put in practice 
for gaining votes, it is well known, that, in this 
kingdom, there are few employments to be given; 
and, if there were more, it is as well known to 20 
whose share they must fall. 

But, because great numbers of you are altogether 
ignorant of the affairs of your country, I will tell 
you some reasons why there are so few employ- 
ments to be disposed of in this kingdom. 25 

All considerable ofifices for life are here possessed 
by those to whom the reversions were granted; and 
these have been generally followers of the chief 
governors, or persons who had interest in the Court 
of England. So, the Lord Berkeley of Stratton 30 
holds that great office of master of the rolls; the 



THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS lip 

Lord Palmerstown is first remembrancer, worth 
near £2000 per annum. One Dodington, secre- 
tary to the Earl of Pembroke, begged the reversion 
of clerk of the pells, worth £2500 a year, which he 
snow enjoys by the death of the Lord Newtown. 
Mr. Southwell is secretary of state, and the Earl of 
Burlington lord high treasurer of Ireland by in- 
heritance. These are only a few among many 
others which I have been told of, but cannot re- 

10 member. Nay, the reversion of several employ- 
ments, during pleasure, is granted the same way. 
This, among many others, is a circumstance, 
whereby the kingdom of Ireland is distinguished 
from all other nations upon earth; and makes it so 

15 difificult an affair to get into a civil employ, that 
Mr. Addison was forced to purchase an old obscure 
place, called keeper of the records in Bermingham's 
Tower, of £10 a-year, and to get a salary of £400 
annexed to it, though all the records there are not 

20 worth half-a-crown, either for curiosity or use. And 
we lately saw a favourite secretary descend to be 
master of the revels, which, by his credit and ex- 
tortion, he has made pretty considerable. I say 
nothing of the under-treasurership, worth about 

25 £9000 a-year, nor of the commissioners of the reve- 
nue, four of whom generally live in England, for I 
think none of these are granted in reversion. But 
the jest is, that I have known, upon occasion, some 
of these absent officers as keen against the interest 

30 of Ireland, as if they had never been indebted to 
her for a single groat. 



120 THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS 

I confess, I have been sometimes tempted to 
wish, that this project of Wood's might succeed; 
because I reflected with some pleasure, what a 
jolly crew it would bring over among us of lords 
and squires, and pensioners of both sexes, and offi- 5 
cers civil and military, where we should live to- 
gether as merry and sociable as beggars; only with 
this one abatement, that we should neither have 
meat to feed, nor manufactures to clothe us, unless 
we could be content to prance about in coats of lo 
mail, or eat brass as ostriches do iron. 

I return from this digression to that which gave 
me the occasion of making it. And I believe you 
are now convinced, that if the Parliament of Ire- 
land were as temptable as any other assembly 15 
within a mile of Christendom, (which God forbid!) 
yet the managers must of necessity fail for want of 
tools to work with. But I will yet go one step 
farther, by supposing that a hundred new employ- 
ments were erected on purpose to gratify compilers; 20 
yet still an insuperable difficulty would remain. 
For it happens, I know not how, that money is 
neither whig nor tory — neither of town nor country 
party; and it is not improbable, that a gentleman 
w^ould rather choose to live upon his own estate, 25 
which brings him gold and silver, than with the ad- 
dition of an employment, when his rents and salary 
must both be paid in Wood's brass, at above eighty 
per cent, discount. 

For these, and many other reasons, I am confi- 30 
dent you need not be under the least apprehension 



THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS 121 

from the sudden expectation of the Lord-lieuten- 
ant, while we continue in our present hearty dispo- 
sition, to alter which no suitable temptation can 
possibly be offered. And if, as I have often asserted 
5 from the best authority, the law has not left a power 
in the crown to force any money, except sterling, 
upon the subject, much less can the crown devolve 
such a power upon another. 

This I speak with the utmost respect to the per- 

10 son and dignity of his excellency the Lord Carteret, 
whose character was lately given me by a gentle- 
man that has known him from his first appearance 
in the world. That gentleman describes him as a 
young nobleman of great accomplishments, excel- 

15 lent learning, regular in his life, and of much spirit 
and vivacity. He has since, as I have heard, been 
employed abroad; was principal secretary of state; 
and is now, about the thirty-seventh year of his age, 
appointed Lord-lieutenant of Ireland. From such 

20 a governor, this kingdom may reasonably hope for 
as much prosperity, as, under so many discourage- 
ments, it can be capable of receiving. 

It is true, indeed, that, within the memory of 
man, there have been governors of so much dex- 

25 terity, as to carry points of terrible consequence to 
this kingdom, by their power with those who are in 
office; and by their arts in managing or deluding 
others with oaths, affability, and even with din- 
ners. If Wood's brass had in those times been upon 

30 the anvil, if is obvious enough to conceive what 
methods would have been taken. Depending per- 



122 THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS 

sons would have been told in plain terms, '' that it 
was a service expected from them, under the pain 
of the public business being put into more comply- 
ing hands." Others would be allured by promises. 
To the country gentleman, beside good words, 5 
burgundy^ and closeting, it might perhaps have 
been hinted, '' how kindly it would be taken to com- 
ply with a royal patent, although it were not com- 
pulsory; that if any inconveniences ensued, it might 
be made up with other graces or favours hereafter; lo 
that gentlemen ought to consider whether it were 
piudent or safe to disgust England. They would 
be desired to think of some good bills for encour- 
aging of trade, and setting the poor to work; some 
farther acts against Popery, and for uniting Prot- 15 
estants.'' There would be solemn engagements, 
" that we should never be troubled with above forty 
thousand pounds in his coin, and all of the best and 
weightiest sort, for which we should only give our 
manufactures in exchange, and keep our gold and 20 
silver at home." Perhaps a seasonable report of 
some invasion would have been spread in the most 
proper juncture; which is a great smoother of rubs 
in public proceedings; and we should have been 
told, '' that this was no time to create differences, 25 
when the kingdom was in danger." 

These, I say, and the like methods, would, in 
corrupt times, have been taken to let in this deluge 
of brass among us; and I am confident, even then, 
would not have succeeded; much less under the 30 
administration of so excellent a person as the Lord 



THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS 1 23 

Carteret; and in a country where the people of all 
ranks, parties, and denominations, are convinced 
to a man, that the utter undoing of themselves and 
their posterity for ever, will be dated from the ad- 
5 mxission of that execrable coin; that if it once enters, 
it can be no more confined to a small or moderate 
quantity, than a plague can be confined to a few 
famihes; and that no equivalent can be given by 
any earthly power, any more than a dead carcass 

10 can be recovered to life by a cordial. 

There is one comfortable circumstance in this 
universal opposition to Mr. Wood, that the people 
sent over hither from England, to fill up our va- 
cancies, ecclesiastical, civil, and military, are all on 

15 our side. Money, the great divider of the world, 
has, by a strange revolution, been the great uniter 
of a most divided people. Who would leave a 
hundred pounds a-year in England (a country of 
freedom) to be paid a thousand in Ireland out of 

20 Wood's exchequer? The gentleman they have 
lately made primate, would never quit his seat in an 
English House of Lords, and his preferments at 
Oxford and Bristol, worth twelve hundred pounds 
a-year, for four times the denomination here, but not 

25 half the value; therefore I expect to hear he will be 
as good an Irishman, at least upon this one article, 
as any of his brethren, or even of us, who have had 
the misfortune to be born in this island. For, those 
who in the common phrase do not come hither to 

30 learn the language, would never change a better 
country for a worse, to receive brass instead of gold. 



124 THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS 

Another slander spread by Wood and his emis- 
saries, is, '' that by opposing him, we discover an 
inclination to throw off our dependence upon the 
crown of England/' Pray observe how important 
a person is this same William Wood, and how the 5 
public weal of two kingdoms is involved in his pri- 
vate interest. First, all those who refuse to take 
his coin are Papists; for he tells us, *' that none but 
Papists are associated against him/' Secondly, 
" they dispute the King's prerogative." Thirdly, 10 
'' they are ripe for rebellion." And, fourthly, '' they 
are going to shake off their dependence upon the 
crown of England; " that is to say, they are going 
to choose another king; for there can be no other 
meaning in this expression, however some may pre 15 
tend to strain it. 

And this gives me an opportunity of explaining 
to those who are ignorant, another point, which 
has often swelled in my breast. Those who come 
over hither to us from England, and some weak 20 
people among ourselves, whenever in discourse we 
make mention of liberty and property, shake their 
heads, and tell us, that '' Ireland is a depending 
kingdom;" as if they would seem by this phrase 
to intend, that the people of Ireland are in some 25 
state of slavery or dependence different from those 
of England: whereas a depending kingdom is a 
modern term of art, unknown as I have heard to 
all ancient civilians, and writers upon government; 
and Ireland is, on the contrary, called in some 30 
statutes '' an imperial crown," as held only from 



THE DRAPIER'S LETTERS 12$ 

God; which is as high a style as any kingdom is 
capable of receiving. Therefore, by this expression, 
" a depending kingdom," there is no more to be 
understood, than that, by a statute made here in the 
5 thirty-third year of Henry VIIL, the King, and his 
successors, are to be kings imperial of this realm, 
as united and knit to the imperial crown of Eng- 
land. I have looked over all the Enghsh and Irish 
statutes, without finding any law that makes Ire- 

10 land depend upon England, any more than Eng- 
land does upon Ireland. We have indeed obliged 
ourselves to have the same king with them; and 
consequently they are obliged to have the same 
king with us. For the law was made by our own 

15 Parliament; and our ancestors then were not such 
fools (whatever they were in the preceding reign) 
to bring themselves under I know not what de- 
pendence, which is now talked of, without any 
ground of law, reason, or common sense. 

2o Let whoever thinks otherwise I, M. B., drapier, 
desire to be excepted; for I declare, next unto God, 
I depend only on the King my sovereign, and on 
the laws of my own country. And I am so far from 
depending upon the people of England, that if they 

25 should ever rebel against my sovereign (which God 
forbid!) I would be ready, at the first command 
from his Majesty, to take arms against them, as 
some of my countrymen did against theirs at Pres- 
ton. And if such a rebellion should prove so suc- 

3ocessful as to fix the Pretender on the throne of 
England, I w^ould venture to transgress that statute 



126 THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS 

SO far, as to lose every drop of my blood to hinder 
him from being King of Ireland. 

It is true, indeed, that within the memory of 
man, the Parliaments of England have sometimes 
assumed the power of binding this kingdom by laws 5 
enacted there; wherein they were at first openly 
opposed (as far as truth, reason, and justice, are 
capable of opposing) by the famous Mr. Molineux, 
an English gentleman born here, as well as by 
several of the greatest patriots and best Whigs in 10 
England; but the love and torrent of power pre- 
vailed. Indeed the arguments on both sides were 
invincible. For, in reason, all government without 
the consent of the governed, is the very definition 
of slavery; but, in fact, eleven men well armed will 15 
certainly subdue one single man in his shirt. But 
I have done;- for those who have used to cramp 
liberty, have gone so far as to resent even the lib- 
erty of complaining; although a man upon the 
rack was never known to be refused the liberty of 20 
roaring as loud as he thought fit. 

And as we are apt to sink too much under un- 
reasonable fears, so we are too soon inclined to be 
raised by groundless hopes, according to the na- 
ture of all consumptive bodies like ours. Thus it 25 
has been given about, for several days past, that 
somebody in England empowered a second some- 
body, to write to a third somebody here, to assure 
us that we should no more be troubled with these 
halfpence. And this is reported to have been done 30 
by the same person, who is said to have sworn some 



THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS 12/ 

months ago, '' that he would ram them down our 
throats/' though I doubt they would stick in our 
stomachs; but whichever of these reports be true 
or false, it is no concern of ours. For, in this point, 
5 we have nothing to do with English ministers ; and 
I should be sorry to leave it in their power to re- 
dress this grievance, or to enforce it; for the re- 
port of the Committee has given me a surfeit. The 
remedy is wholly in your own hands; and therefore 

10 I have digressed a little, in order to refresh and con- 
tinue that spirit so seasonably raised among you; 
and to let you see, that by the law^s of God, of na- 
ture, of nations, and of your country, you are, and 
ought to be, as free a people as your brethren in 

15 England. 

If the pamphlets published at London by Wood 
and his journeymen, in defence of his cause, were 
reprinted here, and our countrymen could be per- 
suaded to read them, they would convince you of 

20 his wicked design more than all I shall ever be able 
to say. In short, I make him a perfect saint in com- 
parison of what he appears to be from the writings 
of those whom he hires to justify his project. But 
he is so far master of the field (let others guess the 

25 reason) that no London printer dare publish any 
paper written in favour of Ireland; and here no- 
body as yet has been so bold as to publish anything 
in favour of him. 

There was, a few days ago, a pamphlet sent me, 

30 of near fifty pages, written in favour of Mr. Wood 
and his coinage, printed in London; it is not worth 



128 THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS 

answering, because probably it will never be pub- 
lished here. But it gave me occasion to reflect 
upon an unhappiness we lie under, that the people 
of England are utterly ignorant of our case; which, 
however, is no wonder, since it is a point they do 5 
not in the least concern themselves about, farther 
than perhaps as a subject of discourse in a cofifee- 
house, when they have nothing else to talk of. For 
I have reason to believe, that no minister ever gave 
himself the trouble of reading any papers written 10 
in our defence, because I suppose their opinions are 
already determined, and are formed wholly upon 
the reports of Wood and his accomplices; else it 
would be impossible that any man could have the 
impudence to write such a pamphlet as I have men- 1 5 
tioned. 

Our neighbours, whose understandings are just 
upon a level with ours (which perhaps are none of 
the brightest), have a strong contempt for most na- 
tions, but especially for Ireland. They look upon 20 
us as a sort of savage Irish, whom our ancestors 
conquered several hundred years ago. And if I 
should describe the Britons to you as they were in 
Caesar's time, when they painted their bodies, or 
clothed themselves with the skins of beasts, I 25 
should act full as reasonably as they do. How- 
ever, they are so far to be excused in relation to 
the present subject, that hearing only one side 
of the cause, and having neither opportunity nor 
curiosity to examine the other, they believe a lie 30 
merely for their ease; and conclude, because Mr. 



THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS 1 29 

Wood pretends to power he has also reason on his 
side. 

Therefore, to let you see how this case is repre- 
sented in England by Wood and his adherents, I 
5 have thought it proper to extract out of that 
pamphlet a few of those notorious falsehoods, in 
point of fact and reasoning, contained therein; the 
knowledge whereof will confirm my countrymen in 
their own right sentiments, when they will see, by 
10 comparing both, how much their enemies are in the 
wrong. 

First, the writer positively asserts, '' that Wood's 

halfpence were current among us for several 

months, with the universal approbation of all peo- 

15 pie, without one single gainsayer; and we all, to a 

man, thought ourselves happy in having them." 

Secondly, he affirms, '' that we were drawn in'o 
dislike of them only by some cunning, evil-design- 
ing men among us, who opposed this patent of 
20 Wood to get another for themselves. 

Thirdly, '' that, those who most declared at first 
against Wood's patent, were the very men who in- 
tend to get another for their own advantage.'' 
Fourthly, '' that our Parliament and Privy-coun- 
25 cil, the Lord Mayor and aldermen of DubHn, the 
grand juries and merchants, and, in short, the 
whole kingdom, nay, the very dogs," as he ex- 
presses it, '' were fond of those halfpence, till they 
v/ere inflamed by those few designing persons 
30 aforesaid." 

Fifthly, he says directly, '' that all those who op- 



130 THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS 

posed the halfpence, were Papists, and enemies to 
King George." 

Thus far, I am confident, the most ignorant 
among you can safely swear, from your own knowl- 
edge, that the author is a most notorious liar in 5 
every article; the direct contrary being so mani- 
fest to the whole kingdom, that, if occasion re- 
quired, we might get it confirmed under five hun- 
dred thousand hands. 

Sixthly, he would persuade us, " that if we sell 10 
five shillings worth of our goods or manufactures 
for two shillings and fourpence worth of copper, 
although the copper were melted down, and that 
we could get five shillings in gold and silver for 
the said goods; yet to take the said two shillings 15 
and fourpence in copper, would be greatly for our 
advantage." 

And, lastly, he makes us a very fair offer, as em- 
powered by Wood, '' that if we will take off two 
hundred thousand pounds in his halfpence for our 20 
goods, and likewise pay him three per cent, inter- 
est for thirty years for a hundred and twenty 
thousand pounds (at which he computes the coin- 
age above the intrinsic value of the copper) for the 
loan of his coin, he will after that time give us good 25 
money for what halfpence will be then left." 

Let me place this offer in as clear a light as I 
can, to show the insupportable villainy and impu- 
dence of that incorrigible wretch. '' First," says he, 
*' I will send two hundred thousand pounds of my 30 
coin into your country; the copper I compute to 



THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS I3I 

be, in real value, eighty thousand pounds, and I 
charge you with a hundred and twenty thousand 
pounds for the coinage; so that, you see, I lend 
you a hundred and twenty thousand pounds for 
5 thirty years ; for which you shall pay me three per 
cent., that is to say, three thousand six hundred 
pounds per annum, which in thirty years will 
amount to a hundred and eight thousand pounds. 
And when these thirty years are expired, return me 

10 my copper, and I will give you good money for it." 

This is the proposal made to us by Wood in that 

pamphlet, written by one of his commissioners : 

and the author is supposed to be the same infamous 

Coleby, one of his under-swearers at the committee 

15 of council, who was tried for robbing the treasury 
here, where he was an under-clerk. 

By this proposal, he will, first, receive two 
hundred thousand pounds in goods or sterling, for 
as much copper as he values at eighty thousand 

20 pounds, but in. reality not worth thirty thousand 
pounds. Secondly, he will receive for interest a 
hundred and eight thousand pounds: and when our 
children come thirty years hence to return his half- 
pence upon his executors (for before that time he 

25 will be probably gone to his own place) those 
executors will very reasonably reject them as raps 
and counterfeits, which they will be, and millions 
of them of his own coinage. 

Methinks I am fond of such a dealer as this, who 

30 m.ends every day upon our hands, like a Dutch 
reckoning; wherein if you dispute the unreason- 



132 THE DRAPIER'S LETTERS 

ableness and exorbitance of the bill, the landlord 
shall bring it up every time with new additions. 

Although these, and the like pamphlets, pub- 
lished by Wood in London, are altogether un- 
known here, where nobody could read them with- 5 
out as much indignation as contempt would allow; 
yet I thought it proper to give you a specimen how 
the man employs his time, where lie rides alone 
without any creature to contradict him; while our 
few friends there wonder at our silence : and the 10 
English in general, if they think of this matter at all, ' 
impute our refusal to wilfulness or disaffection, just 
as Wood and his hirelings are pleased to represent. 

But although our arguments are not suffered to 
be printed in England, yet the consequence will be 15 
of little moment. Let Wood endeavour to persuade 
the people there, that we ought to receive his coin; 
and let me convince our people here, that they 
ought to reject it, under pain of our utter undoing; 
and then let him do his best and his worst. 20 

Before I conclude, I must beg leave, in all hu- 
mility, to tell Mr. Wood, that he is guilty of great 
indiscretion, by causing so honourable a name as 
that of Mr. Walpole to be mentioned so often, and 
in such a manner, upon this occasion. A short 25 
paper printed at Bristol, and reprinted here, reports 
Mr. Wood to say, '' that he wonders at the impu- 
dence and insolence of the Irish in refusing his 
coin, and what he will do when Mr. Walpole comes 
to town." Where, by the way, he is mistaken; for 30 
it is the true English people of Ireland who refuse 



THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS 133 

it, although we take it for granted that the Irish 
will do so too whenever they are asked. In another 
printed paper of his contriving, it is roundly ex- 
pressed, '' that Mr. Walpole will cram his brass 
5 down our throats.'' Sometimes it is given out, 
'' that we must either take those halfpence, or eat 
our brogues:'' and in another newsletter, but of 
yesterday, we read, '' that the same great man has 
sworn to make us swallow his coin in fire-balls." 

lo This brings to my mind the known story of a 
Scotchman, who, receiving the sentence of death 
with all the circumstances of hanging, beheading, 
quartering, embowelling, and the like, cried out, 
''What need all this Cookery?" And I think we 

15 have reason to ask the same question; for, if we 
believe Wood, here is a dinner ready for us; and 
you see the bill of fare; and I am sorry the drink 
was forgot, which might easily be supplied with 
melted lead and flaming pitch. 

20 What vile words are these to put into the mouth 
of a great counsellor, in high trust with his majesty, 
and looked upon as a prime-minister? If Mr. 
Wood has no better a manner of representing his 
patrons, when I come to be a great man he shall 

25 never be suffered to attend at my levee. This is 
not the style of a great minister; it savours too 
much of the kettle and the furnace, and came en- 
tirely out of Wood's forge. 

As for the threat of making us eat our brogues, 

30 we need not be in pain; for, if his coin should pass, 
that unpolite covering for the feet would no longer 



134 THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS 

be a national reproach; because then we should 
have neither shoe nor brogue left in the kingdom. 
But here the falsehood of Mr. Wood is fairly de- 
tected; for I am confident Mr. Walpole never 
heard of a brogue in his whole life. 5 

As to ''swallowing these halfpence in fire-balls/' 
it is a story equally improbable. For, to execute 
this operation, the whole stock of Mr. Wood's coin 
and metal must be melted down, and moulded into 
hollow balls with wild-fire, no bigger than a rea- 10 
sonable throat may be able to swallow. Now, the 
metal he has prepared, and already coined, will 
amount to at least fifty millions of halfpence, to be 
swallowed by a million and a half of people : so that, 
allowing two halfpence to each ball, there will be 15 
about seventeen balls of wild-fire a piece to be swal- 
lowed by every person in the kingdom; and to ad- 
minister this dose, there cannot be conveniently 
fewer than fifty thousand operators, allowing one 
operator to every thirty; which, considering the 20 
squeamishness of some stomachs, and the peevish- 
ness of young children, is but reasonable. Now, 
under correction of better judgments, I think the 
trouble and charge of such an experiment would 
exceed the profit; and therefore I take this report 25 
to be spurious, or, at least, only a new scheme of 
Mr. Wood himself; which, to make it pass the bet- 
ter in Ireland, he would father upon a minister of 
state. 

But I will now demonstrate, beyond all contra- 30 
diction, that Mr. Walpole is against this project of 



THE D RAPIER'S LETTERS 135 

Mr. Wood, and is an entire friend to Ireland, only 
bv this one invincible argument; that he has the 
universal opinion of being a wise man, an able 
minister, and in all his proceedings pursuing the 
5 true interest of the King his master; and that as 
his integrity is above all corruption, so is his for- 
tune above all temptation. I reckon, therefore, we 
are perfectly safe from that corner, and shall never 
be under the necessity of contending with so for- 
lo midable a power, but be left to possess our brogues 
and potatoes in peace, as remote from thunder as 
we are from Jupiter. 

I am, my dear countrymen, 
Your loving fellow-subject, 
15 Fellow-sufferer, and humble servant, 

M. B. 



H /»obest proposal 

FOR 

PREVENTING THE CHILDREN OF POOR PEOPLE IN 

IRELAND FROM BEING A BURDEN TO THEIR 

PARENTS OR COUNTRY, AND FOR MAKING 

THEM BENEFICIAL TO THE PUBLIC 

1729 

It is a melancholy object to those who walk 
through this great town, or travel in the country, 
when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin- 
doors, crowded with beggars of the female sex, 
followed by three, four, or six children, all in rags, 5 
and importuning every passenger for an alms. 
These mothers, instead of being able to work for 
their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all 
their time in strolling to beg sustenance for their 
helpless infants : who, as they grow up^ either turn 10 
thieves for want of work, or leave their dear native 
country to fight for the Pretender in Spain, or sell 
themselves to the Barbadoes. 

I think it is agreed by all parties, that this prodi- 
gious number of children in the arms, or on the 15 
backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and fre- 
quently of their fathers, is, in the present deplorable 

136 



A MODEST PROPOSAL 137 

State of the kingdom, a very, great additional 
grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out 
a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these 
children sound, useful members of the common- 

5 wealth, would deserve so well of the public, as to 
have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation. 
But my intention is very far from being confined 
to provide only for the children of professed beg- 
gars ; it is of a much greater extent^ and shall take 

10 in the whole number of infants at a certain age, who 
are born of parents in efifect as little able to support 
them, as those who demand our charity in the 
streets. 

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts 

15 for many years upon this important subject, and 
maturely weighed the several schemes of our pro- 
jectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken 
in their computation. It is true, a child, just born, 
may be supported by its mother's milk for a solar 

20 year, with little other nourishment ; at most, not 
above the value of two shillings, which the mother 
may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her 
lawful occupation of begging; and it is exactly at 
one year old that I propose to provide for them in 

25 such a manner, as, instead of being a charge upon 
their parents, or the parish, or wanting food and 
raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall, on the 
contrary, contribute to the feeding, and partly to 
the clothing, of many thousands. 

30 There is likewise another great advantage in my 
scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary abor- 



13^ A MODEST PROPOSAL 



1 



tions, and that horrid practice of women murdering 
their bastard children, alas^ too frequent among us ! 
sacrificing the poor innocent babes, I doubt more 
to avoid the expense than the shame, which would 
move tears and pity in the most savage and in- 5 
human breast. 

The number of souls in this kingdom being usu- 
ally reckoned one million and a half, of these I 
calculate there may be about two hundred thousand 
couple whose wives are breeders ; from which num- 10 
ber I subtract thirty thousand couple, who are able 
to maintain their own children, (although I appre- 
hend there cannot be so many, under the present 
distresses of the kingdom ;) but this being granted, 
there will remain a hundred and seventy thousand 15 
breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand, for those 
women who miscarry, or whose children die by 
accident or disease within the year. There only re- 
main a hundred and twenty thousand children of 
poor parents annually born. The question there- 20 
fore is, How this number shall be reared and 
provided for? which, as I have already said, under 
the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible 
by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can 
neither employ them in handicraft or agriculture; 25 
we neither build houses (I mean in the country,) 
nor cultivate land : they can very seldom pick up a 
livelihood by stealing, till they arrive at six years 
old. except where they are of towardly parts ; al- 
though I confess they learn the rudiments much 30 
earlier; during which time they can^ however, be 



A MODEST PROPOSAL 139 

properly looked upon only as probationers ; as I 
have been informed by a principal gentleman in the 
county of Cavan, who protested to me, that he 
never knew above one or two instances under the 
5 age of six, even in a part of the kingdom so re- 
nowned for the quickest proficiency in that art. 

I am assured by our merchants, that a boy or a 
girl before twelve years old is no saleable com- 
modity ; and even when they come to this age they 

liowill not yield above three pounds or three pounds 
and half-a-crown at most, on the exchange ; which 
cannot turn to account either to the parents or king- 
dom, the charge of nutriment and rags having been 
at least four times that value. 

15 I shall now, therefore, humbly propose my own 
thoughts, which I hope w^ill not be liable to the 
least objection. 

I have been assured by a very knowing American 
of my acquaintance in London, that a young 

20 healthy child, well nursed, is, at a year old, a most 
delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether 
stewed^ roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no 
doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a 
ragout. 

25 I do therefore humbly ofifer it to public consid- 
eration, that of the hundred and twenty thousand 
children already computed, twenty thousand may be 
reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to 
be males ; which is more than we allow to sheep, 

30 black-cattle, or swine ; and my reason is, that these 
children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circum- 



140 A MODEST PROPOSAL 

stance not much regarded by our savages, therefore 
one male will be sufficient for four females. That 
the remaining hundred thousand may, at a year old, 
be offered in sale to the persons of quahty and for- 
tune through the kingdom ; always advising the 5 
mother to let them suck plentifully in the last 
month, so as to render them plump and fat for a 
good table. A child will make two dishes at an 
entertainment for friends ; and when the family 
dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a lo 
reasonable dish, and, seasoned with a little pepper 
or salt, will be very good boiled on the fourth day, 
especially in winter. 

I have reckoned, upon a medium, that a child 
just born will weigh twelve pounds, and in a solar 15 
year, if tolerably nursed, will increase to twenty- 
eight pounds. 

I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and 
therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they 
have already devoured most of the parents, seem 20 
to have the best title to the children. 

Infants' fliesh wall be in season throughout the 
year, but more plentifully in March, and a little be- 
fore and after : for we are told by a grave author, 
an eminent French physician, that fish being a pro- 25 
Hfic diet, there are more children born in Roman 
Catholic countries about nine months after Lent, 
than at any other season ; therefore, reckoning a 
year after Lent, the markets will be more glutted 
than usual, because the number of Popish infants 30 
is at least three to one in this kingdom; and there- 



A MODEST PROPOSAL I4I 

fore it will have one other collateral advantage^ by 
lessening the number of Papists among us. 

I have already computed the charge of nursing 
a beggar's child (in which list I reckon all cot- 
5 tagers, labourers, and four-fifths of the farmers) to 
be about two shillings per annum, rags included; 
and I believe no gentleman would repine to give 
ten shillings for the carcass of a good fat child, 
which, as I have said, will make four dishes of ex- 

10 cellent nutritive meat, when he has only some par- 
ticular friend, or his own family, to dine with him. 
Thus the squire will learn to be a good landlord, 
and grow popular among his tenants; the mother 
will have eight shillings net profit, and be fit for 

15 work till she produces another child. 

Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess 
the times require) may flay the carcass ; the skin of 
which, artificially dressed, will make admirable 
gloves for ladies, and summer-boots for fine gen- 

20 tlemen. 

As to our city- of Dublin, shambles may be ap- 
pointed for this purpose in the most convenient 
parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will 
not be wanting ; although I rather recommend buy- 

25 ing the children alive, then dressing them hot from 
the knife^ as we do roasting pigs. 

A very worthy person, a true lover of his coun- 
try, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately 
pleased, in discoursing on this matter, to offer a 

30 refinement upon my scheme. He said, that many 
gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed 



142 A MODEST PROPOSAL 



4 



their deer, he conceived that the want of venison 
might be well supplied by the bodies of young lads 
and maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age, 
nor under twelve; so great a number of both sexes 
in every country being now ready to starve for 5 
want of work and service ; and these to be disposed 
of by their parents, if alive, or otherwise by their 
nearest relations. But, with due deference to so 
excellent a friend, and so deserving a patriot, I can- 
not be altogether in his sentiments ; for as to the 10 
males, my American acquaintance assured me, 
from frequent experience^ that their flesh was gen- 
erally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys, 
by continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable ; 
and to fatten them would not answer the charge. 15 
Then as to the females, it would, I think, with 
humble submission, be a loss to the public, because 
they soon would become breeders themselves : and 
besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous 
people might be apt to censure such a practice, (al- 20 
though indeed very unjustly,) as a little bordering 
upon cruelty; which, I confess, has always been 
with me the strongest objection against any project, 
how well soever intended. 

But in order to justify my friend, he confessed 25 
that this expedient was put into his head by the 
famous Psalmanazar, a native of the island For- 
mosa, who came from thence to London above 
twenty years ago; and in conversation told my 
friend, that in his country, when any young person 30 
happened to be put to death^ the executioner sold 



A MODEST PROPOSAL 143 

the carcass to persons of quality as a prime dainty ; 
and that in his time the body of a plump girl of fif- 
teen, who was crucified for an attempt to poison 
the emperor, was sold to his imperial majesty's 
5 prime minister of state, and other great mandarins 
of the court, in joints from the gibbet, at four hun- 
dred crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if 
the same use were made of several plump young 
girls in this town, who, without one single groat to 

10 their fortunes, cannot stir abroad without a chair^ 
and appear at playhouse and assemblies in foreign 
fineries which they never will pay for, the kingdom 
would not be the worse. 

Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great 

15 concern about that vast number of poor people, 
who are aged, diseased, or maimed ; and I have been 
desired to employ my thoughts, what course may 
be taken to ease the nation of so grievous an en- 
cumbrance. But I am not in the least pain upon 

20 that matter, because it is very well known^ that they" 
are every day dying, and rotting, by cold and fam- 
ine, and filth and vermin, as fast as can be reason- 
ably expected. And as to the young labourers, 
they are now in almost as hopeful a condition : they 

25 cannot get work, and consequently pine away for 
want of nourishment, to a degree, that if at any 
time they are accidentally hired to common labour, 
they have not strength to perform it ; and thus the 
country and themselves are happily delivered from 

30 the evils to come. 

I have too long digressed, and the;:efore shall r^- 



144 A MODEST PROPOSAL 

turn to my subject. I think the advantages by the 
proposal which I have made, are obvious and 
many, as well as of the highest importance. 

For first, as I have already observed, it would 
greatly lessen the number of Papists, with whom 5 
we are yearly over-run, being the principal breed- 
ers of the nation^ as well as our most dangerous 
enemies ; and who stay at home on purpose to de- 
liver the kingdom to the Pretender, hoping to take 
their advantage by the absence of so many good 10 
Protestants, who have chosen rather to leave their 
country, than stay at home and pay tithes against 
their conscience to an Episcopal curate. 

Secondly, The poorer tenants will have some- 
thing valuable of their own, which by law may be 15 
made liable to distress, and help to pay their land- 
lord's rent; their corn and cattle being already 
seized, and money a thing unknown. 
^ Thirdly, Whereas the maintenance of a hundred 
thousand children, from two years old and upward, 20 
cannot be computed at less than ten shillings apiece 
per annum, the nation's stock will be thereby in- 
creased fifty thousand pounds per annum, beside 
the profit of a new dish introduced to the tables of 
all gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom, who have 25 
any refinement in taste. And the money will cir- 
culate among ourselves, the goods being entirely of 
our own growth and manufacture. 

Fourthly, The constant breeders, beside the gain 
of eight shilHngs sterling per annum by the sale of 30 



A MODEST PROPOSAL 145 

their children, will be rid of the charge of main- 
taining them after the first year. 

Fifthly, This food would Hkewise bring great cus- 
tom to taverns ; where the vintners will certainly be 

5 so prudent as to procure the best receipts for dress- 
ing it to perfection, and, consequently, have their 
houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who 
justly value themselves upon their knowledge in 
good eating: and a skilful cook, who understands 

10 how to oblige his guests, will contrive to make it 
as expensive as they please. 

Sixthly, This would be a great inducement to 
marriage, which all wise nations have either en- 
couraged by rewards, or enforced by laws and 

15 penalties. It would increase the care and tender- 
ness of mothers toward their children, when they 
were sure of a settlement for life to the poor babes, 
provided in some sort by the public, to their annual 
profit or expense. We should see an honest emu- 

2olation among the married women, which of them 
could bring the fattest child to the market. Men 
would become as fond of their wives during the 
time of their pregnancy, as they are now of their 
mares in foal, their cows in calf, their sows when 

25 they are ready to farrow; nor offer to beat or kick 
them (as is too frequent a practice) for fear of a 
miscarriage. 

Many other advantages might be enumerated. 
For instance, the addition of some thousand car- 

30 casses in our exportation of barrelled beef ; the 
propagation of swine's flesh, and improvement in 



146 A MODEST PROPOSAL 

the art of making good bacon, so much wanted 
among us by the great destruction of pigs, too fre- 
quent at our table; which are no way comparable 
in taste or magnificence to a well-grown, fat^ year- 
ling child, which, roasted whole, will make a con- 5 
siderable figure at a lord mayor's feast, or any other 
public entertainment. But this, and many others, 
I omit, being studious of brevity. 

Supposing that one thousand families in this city 
would be constant customers for infants' flesh, be- 10 
side others who might have it at merry-meet- 
ings, particularly at weddings and christenings, I 
compute that Dublin would take ofif annually about 
twenty thousand carcasses ; and the rest of the 
kingdom (where probably they will be sold some- 15 
what cheaper) the remaining eighty thousand. 

I can think of no one objection that will possibly 
be raised against this proposal, unless it should be 
urged, that the number of people will be thereby 
much lessened in the kingdom. This I freely own, 20 
and it was indeed one principal design in offering 
it to the world. I desire the reader will observe, 
that I calculate my remedy for this one individual 
kingdom of Ireland, and for no other that ever was, 
is, or I think ever can be, upon earth. Therefore 25 
let no man talk to me of other expedients : of tax- 
ing our absentees at five shillings a pound : of 
using neither clothes, nor household-furniture, ex- 
cept what is our own growth and manufacture : of 
utterly rejecting the materials and instruments that 30 
promote foreign luxury : of curing the expensive- 



A MODEST PROPOSAL 1 47 

ness of pride, vanity, idleness, and gaming in our 
women ; of introducing a vein of parsimony, pru- 
dence, and temperance : of learning to love our 
country, in the want of which we differ even from 
5 Laplanders, and the inhabitants of Topinamboo : 
of quitting our animosities and factions, nor acting 
any longer like the Jews, who were murdering one 
another at the very moment their city was taken: 
of being a little cautious not to sell our country and 

lo conscience for nothing : of teaching landlords to 
have at least one degree of mercy toward their ten- 
ants : lastly^ of putting a spirit of honesty, industrv, 
and skill into our shopkeepers; who, if a resolution 
could now be taken to buy only our native goods, 

15 would immediately unite to cheat and exact upon 
us in the price, the measure, and the goodness, nor 
could ever yet be brought to make one fair proposal 
of just dealing, though often and earnestly invited 
to it. 

20 Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these 
and the like expedients, till he has at least some 
glimpse of hope, that there will be ever some hearty 
and sincere attempt to put them in practice. 

But, as to myself, having been wearied out for 

25 many years with ofifering vain, idle, visionary 
thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of suc- 
cess, I fortunately fell upon this proposal; which, as 
it is wholly new, so it has something solid and real^ 
of no expense and little trouble, full in our own 

30 power, and whereby we can incur no danger in dis- 
obliging England. For this kind of commodity 



148 A MODEST PROPOSAL 

will not bear exportation, the flesh being of too ten- 
der a consistence to admit a long continuance in 
salt, although perhaps I could name a country, 
which would be glad to eat up our whole nation 
without it. ^ 5 

After all, I am not so violently bent upon my 
own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by wise 
men, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, 
easy, and effectual. But before something of that 
kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my 10 
scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author, 
or authors, will be pleased maturely to consider two 
points. First, as things now stand, how they will 
be able to find food and raiment for a hundred 
thousand useless mouths and backs. And^ second- 15 
ly, there being a round million of creatures in 
human figure throughout this kingdom, whose 
whole subsistence put into a common stock would 
leave them in debt two millions of pounds sterling, 
adding those who are beggars by profession, to the 20 
bulk of farmers, cottagers, and labourers, with the 
wives and children who are beggars in effect ; I de- 
sire those politicians who dislike my overture, and 
may perhaps be so bold as to attempt an answer, 
that they will first ask the parents of these mortals, 25 
whether they would not at this day think it a great 
happiness to have been sold for food at a year old, 
in the manner I prescribe, and thereby have avoid- 
ed such a perpetual scene of misfortunes, as they 
have since gone through, by the oppression of land- 30 
lords, the impossibility of paying rent without 



A MODEST PROPOSAL 1 49 

money or trade, the want of common sustenance, 
with neither house nor clothes to cover them from 
the inclemencies of the weather^ and the most in- 
evitable prospect of entailing the hke, or greater 
5 miseries, upon their breed for ever. 

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have 
not the least personal interest in endeavouring to 
promote this necessary work, having no other mo- 
tive than the public good of my country, by ad- 
10 vancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving 
the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich. I 
have no children by which I can propose to get a 
single penny; the youngest being nine years old, 
and my wife past child-bearing. 



A COMPLETE COLLECTION OF 

Genteel anJ> Ifngenfous Coupersation 

ACCORDING TO THE MOST POLITE MODE AND METHOD 
NOW USED AT COURT, AND IN THE BEST COM- 
PANIES OF ENGLAND 

INTRODUCTION 

As my life hath been chiefly spent in consulting 
the honour and welfare of my country for more 
than forty years past, not without answerable suc- 
cess, if the world and my friends have not flattered 
me; so, there is no point wherein I have so much 5 
laboured, as that of improving and polishing all 
parts of conversation between persons of quality, 
whether they meet by accident or invitation, at 
meals, tea, or visits, mornings, noons, or evenings. 

I have passed perhaps more time than any other 10 
man of my age and country in visits and assemblies, 
where the polite persons of both sexes distinguish 
themselves; and could not without much grief ob- 
serve how frequently both gentlemen and ladies are 
at a loss for questions, answers, replies and re- i5 
joinders. However, my concern was much abated, 
when I found that these defects were not occasioned 
by any want of materials, but because those ma- 
terials were not in every hand: for instance, one 
lady can give an answer better than ask a question: 20 
one gentleman is happy at a reply; another excels 
in a rejoinder: one can revive a languishing con- 
versation by a sudden surprising sentence; another 

150 



POLIl'E CONVERSATION I5I 

is more dextrous in seconding; a third can fill. the 
gap with laughing, or commending what hath been 
said: thus fresh hints may be started, and the ball of 
discourse kept up. 
5 But, alas! this is too seldom the case, even in the 
most select companies. How often do we see at 
court, at public visiting days, at great men's levees, 
and other places of general meeting, that the con- 
versation falls and drops to nothing, like a fire with- 

10 out supply of fuel! This is what we ought to 
lament; and against this dangerous evil I take upon 
me to affirm, that I have in the following papers 
provided an infallible remedy. 

It was in the year 1695, and the sixth of his late 

15 Majesty King William the Third, of ever glorious 
and immortal memory, who rescued three king- 
doms from popery and slavery; w^hen, being about 
the age of six-and-thirty, my judgment mature, of 
good reputation in the world, and well acquainted 

20 with the best families in town, I determined to 
spend five mornings, to dine four times, pass three 
afternoons, and six evenings every week, in the 
houses of the most polite families, of which I 
would confine myself to fifty; only changing as the 

25 masters or ladies died, or left the tow^n, or grew out 
of vogue, or sunk in their fortunes, (which to me 
was of the highest moment) or because disaffected 
to the government; which practice I have followed 
ever since to this very day; except when I hap- 

3opened to be sick, or in the spleen upon cloudy 
weather; and except when I entertained four of 



152 POLIl^E CONVERSATION 

each sex at my own lodgings once a month, by way 
of retahation. 

I always kept a large table-book in my pocket; 
and as soon as I left the company, I immediately 
entered the choicest expressions that passed during 5 
the visit; which, returning home, I transcribed in 
a fair hand, but somewhat enlarged; and had 
made the greatest part of my collection in twelve 
years, but not digested into any method; for this 
I found was a work of infinite labour, and what re- lo 
quired the nicest judgment, and consequently could 
not be brought to any degree of perfection in less 
than sixteen years more. 

Herein I resolved to exceed the advice of Horace, 
a Roman poet, (which I have read in Mr. Creech's 15 
admirable translation) that an author should keep 
his works nine years in his closet, before he ven- 
tured to publish them; and finding that I still re- 
ceived some additional flowers of wit and language, 
although in a very small number, I determined to 20 
defer the publication, to pursue my design, and ex- 
haust, if possible, the whole subject, that I might 
present a complete system to the world: for, I am 
convinced by long experience, that the critics will 
be as severe as their old envy against me can make 25 
them: I foretell, they will object, that I have in- 
serted many answers and replies which are neither 
witty, humorous, polite, or authentic; and have 
omitted others, that would have been highly use- 
ful, as well as entertaining: but let them come to 30 



POLITE CONVERSATION 153 

particulars, and I will boldly engage to confute 
their malice. 

For these last six or seven years I have not been 
able to add above nine valuable sentences to enrich 
5 my collection; from whence I conclude, that what 
remains will amount only to a trifle. However, if, 
after the publication of this work, any lady or gen- 
tleman, when they have read it, shall find the least 
thing of importance omitted, I desire they will 

lo please to supply my defects, by communicating to 
me their discoveries; and their letters may be di- 
rected to Simon Wagstafif, Esq., at his lodgings 
next door to the Gloucester-head in St. James's 
street, (they paying the postage). In return of 

15 which favour, I shall make honourable mention of 

their names in a short preface to the second edition. 

In the meantime, I cannot but with some pride, 

and much pleasure, congratulate with my dear 

country, which hath outdone all the nations of Eu- 

20 rope in advancing the whole art of conversation to 
the greatest height it is capable of reaching; and 
tl^erefore being entirely convinced that the collec- 
tion I now ofifer to the public is full and complete, 
I may at the same time boldly affirm, that the whole 

25 genius, humour, politeness, and eloquence of Eng- 
land are summed up in it: nor is the treasure 
small, wherein are to be found at least a thousand 
shining questions, answers, repartees, repHes, and 
rejoinders, fitted to adorn every kind of discourse 

30 that an assembly of English ladies and gentlemen, 
met together for their mutual entertainment, can 



154 POLITE CONVERSATION- 

possibly want, especially when the several flowers 
shall be set off and improved by the speakers, with 
every circumstance of preface and circumlocution, 
in proper terms; and attended with praise, laugh- 
ter, or admiration. 5 

There is a natural, involuntary distortion of the 
muscles, which is the anatomical cause of laughter: 
but there is another cause of laughter which de- 
cency requires, and is the undoubted mark of a 
good taste, as well as of a polite obliging be- lo 
haviour; neither is this to be acquired without 
much observation, long practice, and a sound judg- 
ment: I did therefore once intend, for the ease of 
the learner, to set down in all parts of the follow- 
ing dialogues certain marks, asterisks, or nota- 15 
hcncs (in English, mark-wells) after most questions, 
and every reply or answer; directing exactly the 
moment when one, two, or all the company are to 
laugh: but having duly considered, that the expe- 
dient would too much enlarge the bulk of the vol- 20 
ume, and consequently the price; and likewise that 
something ought to be left for ingenious readers to 
find out, I have determined to leave that whole 
affair, although of great importance, to their own 
discretion. 25 

The readers must learn by all means to distin- 
guish between proverbs and those polite speeches 
which beautify conversation: for, as to the former, 
I utterly reject them out of all ingenious discourse. 
I acknowledge indeed, that there may possibly be 30 
found in this treatise a few sayings, among so great 



POLITE CONVERSATION 155 

a number of smart turns of wit and humour, as I 
have produced, which have a proverbial air: how- 
ever, I hope, it will be considered, that even these 
were not originally proverbs, but the genuine pro- 
5 ductions of superior wits, to embellish and support 
conversation; from whence, with great impro- 
priety, as well as plagiarism (if you will forgive a 
hard word) they have most injuriously been trans- 
ferred into proverbial maxims; and therefore in 

lo justice ought to be resumed out of vulgar hands, to 
adorn the drawang-rooms of princes, both male and 
female, the levees of great ministers, as well as the 
toilet and tea-table of the ladies. 

I can faithfully assure the reader, that there is 

15 not one single witty phrase in this whole collection, 
which hath not received the stamp and approbation 
of at least one hundred years, and how much 
longer, it is hard to determine; he may therefore 
be secure to find them all genuine, sterling, and 

20 authentic. 

But before this elaborate treatise can become of 
universal use and ornament to my native country, 
two points, that will require time and much appli- 
cation, are absolutely necessary. 

25 For, first, whatever person w^ould aspire to be 
completely witty, smart, humorous, and polite, 
must by hard labour be able to retain in his memory 
every single sentence contained in this work, so as 
never to be once at a loss in applying the right an- 

30 swers, questions, repartees, and the like, imme- 
diately, and without study or hesitation. 



1S6 POLITE CONVERSATION 

And, secondly, after a lady or gentleman hath 
so well overcome this difficulty, as to be never at a 
loss upon any emergency, the true management of 
every feature, and almost of every limb, is equally 
necessary; without which an infinite number of 5 
absurdities will inevitably ensue. For instance, 
there is hardly a polite sentence in the following 
dialogues which doth not absolutely require some 
peculiar graceful motion in the eyes, or nose, or 
mouth, or forehead, or chin, or suitable toss of the 10 
head, with certain offices assigned to each hand; 
and in ladies, the whole exercise of the fan, fitted to 
the energy of every word they deliver; by no means 
omitting the various turns and cadence of the voice, 
the twistings, and movements, and different pos- 15 
tures of the body, the several kinds and gradations 
of laughter, which the ladies must daily practise by 
the looking-glass, and consult upon them with their 
waiting-maids. 

My readers will soon observe what a great com- 20 
pass of real and useful knowledge this science in- 
cludes; wherein, although nature, assisted by gen- 
ius, may be very instrumental, yet a strong memory 
and constant application, together with example 
and precept, will be highly necessary: for these rea- 25 
sons I have often wished, that certain male and fe- 
male instructors, perfectly versed in this science, 
would set up schools for the instruction of young 
ladies and gentlemen therein. 

I remember about thirty years ago, there was a 30 
Bohemian woman, of that species commonly 



POLITE CONVERSATION 157 

known by the name of gypsies, who came over 
hither from France, and generally attended Isaac, 
the dancing master, when he was teaching his art 
to Misses of quality; and while the young ladies 
5 were thus employed, the Bohemian, standing at 
some distance, but full in their sight, acted before 
them all proper airs, and turnings of the head, and 
motions of the hands, and twistings of the body; 
whereof you may still observe the good effects in 

lo several of our elder ladies. 

After the same manner, it were much to be de- 
sired, that some expert gentlewomen gone to 
decay would set up public schools, wherein young 
girls of quality, or great fortunes, might first be 

15 taught to repeat this following system of conversa- 
tion, which I have been at so much pains to com- 
pile; and then to adapt every feature of their 
countenances, every turn of their hands^ every 
screwing of their bodies, every exercise of their 

20 fans, to the huraour of the sentences they hear or 
deliver in conversation. But above all to instruct 
them in every species and degree of laughing in 
the proper seasons at their own w^it, or that of the 
company. And, if the sons of the nobility and 

25 gentry, instead of being sent to common schools, 
or put into the hands of tutors at home, to learn 
nothing bu't words, were consigned to able instruc- 
tors in the same art, I cannot find what use there 
could be of books, except in the hands of those 

30 who are to make learning their trade, which is be- 
low the dignity of persons born to titles or estates. 



158 POLITE CONVERSATION 

It would be another infinite advantage, that, by 
cultivating this science, we should wholly avoid the 
vexations and impertinence of pedants, who affect 
to talk in a language not to be understood; and 
whenever a poHte person offers accidentally to use 5 
any of their jargon terms, have the presumption to 
laugh at us for pronouncing those words in a gen- 
teeler manner. Whereas^ I do here afifirm, that, 
whenever any fine gentleman or lady condescends 
to let a hard word pass out of their mouths, every 10 
syllable is smoothed and polished in the passage; 
and it is a true mark of politeness, both in writing 
and reading, to vary the orthography as well as the 
sound; because we are infinitely better judges of 
what will please a distinguishing ear than those, 15 
who call themselves scholars, can possibly be; 
who, consequently, ought to correct their books, 
and manner of pronouncing, by the authority of 
our example, from whose lips they proceed with 
infinitely more beauty and significancy. 20 

But, in the mean time, until so great, so useful, 
and so necessary a design can be put in execution, 
(which, considering the good disposition of our 
country at present, I shall not despair of living to 
see) let me recommend the following treatise to be 25 
carried about as a pocket companion, by all gentle- 
men and ladies, when they are going to visit, or 
dine, or drink tea; or where they happen to pass 
the evening without cards, (as I have sometimes 
known to be the case upon disappointments or ac-30 
cidents unforeseen) desiring they would read their 



POLITE CONVERSATION 159 

several parts in their chairs or coaches, to prepare 
themselves for every kind of conversation that can 
possibly happen. 

Although I have in justice to my country, al- 
5 lov^ed the genius of our people to excel that of 
any other nation upon earth, and have confirmed 
this truth by an argument not to be controlled, I 
mean, by producing so great a number of witty 
sentences in the ensuing dialogues, all of undoubted 

10 authority, as well as of our own production ; yet,, I 
must confess at the same time, that we are wholly 
indebted for them to our ancestors ; at least, for as 
long as my memory reacheth, I do not recollect 
one new phrase of importance to have been added ; 

15 which defect in us moderns I take to have been 
occasioned by the introduction of cant words in 
the reign of King Charles the Second. And those 
have so often varied, that hardly one of them, of 
above a year's standing, is now intelligible ; nor 

20 anywhere to be found^ excepting a small number 
strewed here and there in the comedies and other 
fantastic writings of that age. 

The Honourable Colonel James Graham, my old 
friend and companion, did likewise, towards the 

25 end of the same reign, invent a set of words and 
phrases, which continued almost to the time of his 
death. But, as those terms of art were adapted 
only to courts and politicians, and extended little 
further than among his particular acquaintance (of 

30 whom I had the honour to be one) they are now 
almost forgotten. 



l6o POLITE CONVERSATION 

Nor did the late D. of R and E. of E ■ 

succeed much better, although they proceeded no 
further than single words ; whereof, except hiie, 
bamboozle, and one or two more, the whole vocabu- 
lary is antiquated. 5 

The same fate hath already attended those other 
town wits, who furnish us with a great variety of 
new terms, which are annually changed, and those 
of the last season sunk in oblivion. Of these I was 
once favoured with a complete list by the Right lo 

Honourable the Lord and Lady H , with which 

I made a considerable figure one summer in the 
country; but returning up to town in winj:er, and 
venturing to produce them again, I was partly 
hooted, and partly not understood. 15 

The only invention of late years^ which hath any 
way contributed towards politeness in discourse, is 
that of abbreviating or reducing words of many 
syllables into -one, by lopping ofif the rest. This 
refinement, having begun about the time of the 20 
Revolution, I had some share in the honour of pro- 
moting it, and I observe, to my great satisfaction, 
that it makes daily advancements, and I hope in 
time will raise our language to the utmost perfec- 
tion ; although, I must confess, to avoid obscurity, 25 
I have been very sparing of this ornament in the 
following dialogues. 

But, as for phrases, invented to cultivate con- 
versation, I defy all the clubs of coffee-houses in 
this town to invent a new one equal in wit, humour, 30 
smartness, or politeness, to the very worst of my 



POLITE CONVERSATION l6l 

set; which clearly shews, either that we are much 
degenerated, or that the whole stock of materials 
hath been already employed. I would willingly 
hope, as I do confidently believe, the latter; be- 
5 cause, having myself, for several months, racked 
my invention (if possible) to enrich this treasury 
with some additions of my own (which, however, 
should have been printed in a different character, 
that I might not be charged with imposing upon 

lo the public) and having shewn them to some judi- 
cious friends, they dealt very sincerely with me ; all 
unanimously agreeing, that mine were infinitely 
below the true old helps to discourse, drawn up in 
my present collection, and confirmed their opinion 

T5 with reasons, by which I was perfectly convinced, 
as well as ashamed^ of my great presumption. 

But, I lately met a much stronger argument to 
confirm me in the same sentiments ; for, as the great 
Bishop Burnet, of Salisbury, informs us in the 

JO preface to his admirable History of his own Times, 
that he intended' to employ himself in polish- 
ing it every day of his life, (and indeed in its 
kind it is almost equally polished with this work of 
mine) so, it hath been my constant business, for 
5 some years past, to examine, with the utmost 
strictness, whether I could possibly find the small- 
est lapse in style or propriety through my whole 
collection, that, in emulation with the Bishop, I 
might send it abroad as the most finished piece of 
othe age. 

It happened one day as I was dining in good 



1 62 POLITE CONVERSATION 

company of both sexes and watching, according to 
my custom, for new materials wherewith to fill my 
pocket-book, I succeeded well enough till after 
dinner, when the ladies retired to their tea, and left 
us over a bottle of wine. But I found we were not 
able to furnish any more materials, that were worth 
the pains of transcribing : for, the discourse of the 
company was all degenerated into smart sayings 
of their own invention, and not of the true old 
standard; so that, in absolute despair, I withdrew, lo 
and went to attend the ladies at their tea. From 
whence I did then conclude, and still continue to 
believe, either that wine doth not inspire politeness, 
or that our sex is not able to support it without the 
company of women, who never fail to lead us into iSj 
the right way, and there to keep us. 

It much increaseth the value of these apoph- 
thegms, that unto them we owe the continuance 
of our language, for at least an hundred years ; 
neither is this to be wondered at ; because indeed, 2(j 
besides the smartness of the wit, and fineness of the 
raillery, such is the propriety and energy of expres- 
sion in them all, that they never can be changed, 
but to disadvantage, except in the circumstance of 
using abbreviations; which, however, I do not des-2 
pair, in due time, to see introduced, having already 
met them at some of the choice companies in town. 

Although this work be calculated for all persons 
of quality and fortune of both sexes ; yet the reader 
may perceive, that my particular view was to the si 
officers of the army, the gentlemen of the inns of 



» 



POLITE CONVERSATION 1 63 



courts, and of both the universities ; to all courtiers, 
male and female, but principally to the maids of 
honour, of whom I have been personally acquainted 
with two-and-twenty sets, all excelHng in this noble 
5 endowment ; till for some years past^ I know not 
how, they came to degenerate into selling of bar- 
gains, and freethinking ; not that I am against 
either of these entertainments at proper seasons, in 
compliance with company who may want a taste 

10 for more exalted discourse, whose memories may 
be short, who are too young to be perfect in their 
lessons. Or (although it be hard to conceive) who 
have no inclination to read and learn my instruc- 
tions. And besides, there is a strong temptation 

15 for court ladies to fall into the two amusements 
above mentioned, that they may avoid the censure 
of affecting singularity, against the general current 
and fashion of all about them : but, however, no 
man will pretend to affirm, that either bargains or 

20 blasphemy, which are the principal ornaments of 
freethinking, are so good a fund of polite discourse, 
as what is to be met with in my collection. For, 
as to bargains, few of them seem to be excellent in 
their kind, and have not much variety, because they 

25 all terminate in one single point ; and, to multiply 
them, would require more invention than people 
have to spare. And, as to blasphemy or freethink- 
ing, I have known some scrupulous persons, of 
both sexes, who, by a prejudiced education, are 

30 afraid of sprights. I must, however, except the 
maids of honour, who have been fully convinced, by 



164 POLITE CONVERSATION 

an infamous court chaplain, that there is no such 
place as hell. 

I cannot, indeed^ controvert the lawfulness of 
freethinking, because it hath been universally al- 
lowed that thought is free. But, however, 
although it may af¥ord a large field of matter; yet 
in my poor opinion, it seems to contain very little 
of wit or humour ; because it hath not been ancient 
enough among us to furnish established authentic 
expressions, I mean, such as must receive a sane- 10 
tion from the polite world, before their authority 
can be allowed; neither was the art of blasphemy 
or freethinking invented by the court, or by persons 
of great quality, who properly speaking, were 
patrons, rather than inventors of it; but first 15 
brought in by the fanatic faction, towards the end 
of their power, and after the restoration^ carried to 
Whitehall by the converted rumpers, with very 
good reasons; because they knew, that King 
Charles the Second, who, from a wrong education, 20 
occasioned by the troubles of his father, had time 
enough to observe, that fanatic enthusiasm directly 
led to atheism, which agreed with the dissolute in- 
clinations of his youth; and, perhaps, these princi- 
ples were farther cultivated in him by the French 25 
Huguenots, who have been often charged with 
spreading them among us : however, I cannot see 
where the necessity lies, of introducing new and 
foreign topics for conversation, while we have so 
plentiful a stock of our own growth. 30 

I have likewise, for some reasons of equal weight, 



POLITE CONVERSATION 1 65 

been very sparing in double entendres ; because they 
often put ladies upon affected constraints, and af- 
fected ignorance. In shorty they break, or very 
much entangle, the thread of discourse ; neither am 

5 I master of any rules, to settle the disconcerted 
countenances of the females in such a juncture; 
I can, therefore, only allow innuendoes of this kind 
to be delivered in whispers, and only to young 
ladies under twenty, who, being in honour obliged 
10 to blush, it may produce a new subject for dis- 
course. 

Perhaps the critics may accuse me of a defect in 
my following system of polite conversation ; that 
there is one great ornament of discourse, whereof 

t5 I have not produced a single example ; which, in- 
deed, I purposely omitted for some reasons that I 
shall immediately offer; and, if those reasons will 
not satisfy the male part of my gentle readers, the 
defect may be supplied in some manner by an ap- 

jopendix to the second edition; which appendix shall 

' be printed by itself, and sold for sixpence, stitched, 
and with a marble cover, that my readers may have 
no occasion to complain of being defrauded. 

The defect I mean is, my not having inserted, 

5 into the body of my book, all the oaths now most in 
-fashion for embellishing discourse ; especially since 
it could give no offence to the clergy, who are sel- 
dom or never admitted to these polite assemblies. 
And it must be allowed, that oaths, well chosen, 

)are not only very useful expletives to matter, but 
great ornaments of style. 

i 



l66 POLITE CONVERSATION 

- What I shall here offer in my own defence upon 
this important article, will, I hope, be some extenu- 
ation of my fault. 

First, I reasoned with myself, that a just collec- 
tion of oaths, repeated as often as the fashion re- 
quires, must have enlarged this volume, at least, to 
double the bulk; whereby it would not only double 
the charge, but likewise make the volume less 
commodious for pocket carriage. 

Secondly, I have been assured by some judicious ic 
friends, that themselves have known certain ladies 
to take offence (whether seriously or no) at too 
great a profusion of cursing and swearing, even 
when that kind of ornament was not improperly in- 
troduced ; which, I confess, did startle me not a ij 
little ; having never observed the like in the com- 
pass of my own several acquaintance, at least for 
twenty years past. However, I was forced to sub- 
mit to wiser judgments than my own. 

Thirdly, as this most useful treatise is calculated 2( 
for all future times, I considered, in this maturity 
of my age, how great a variety of oaths I have 
heard since I began to study the world, and to 
know men and manners. And here I found it to be 
true what I have read in an ancient poet. ; 

''For, now-a-days, men change their oaths, 
As often as they change their clothes." 

In short, oaths are the children of fashion, they 
are in some sense almost annuals, like what I ob- s* 
served before of cant words; and I myself can re- 



POLITE CONVERSATION 167 

member about forty different sets. The old stock 
oaths I am confident, do not mount to above forty- 
five, or fifty at most; but the way of mingHng and 
compounding them is almost as various as that of 
5 the alphabet. 

Sir John Perrot was the first man of quality 
whom I find upon record to have sworn by God's 
wounds. He lived in the reign of Queen Elizabeth 
and was supposed to have been a natural son of 

10 Henry the Eighth, who might also have probably 
been his instructor. This oath indeed still con- 
tinues, and is a stock oath to this day; so do sev- 
eral others that have kept their natural simplicity: 
but, infinitely the greater number hath been so fre- 

15 quently changed and dislocated, that if the invent- 
ors were now alive, they could hardly understand 
them. Upon these considerations I began to appre- 
hend, that if I should insert all the oaths as are 
now current^ my book would be out of vogue with 

20 the first change of fashion, and grow useless as an 
old dictionary: whereas, the case is quite other- 
ways with my collection of polite discourse; which 
as I before observed, hath descended by tradition 
for at least an hundred years, without any change 

25 in the phraseology. I, therefore, determined with 
myself to leave out the whole system of swearing; 
because, both the male and female oaths are all per- 
fectly well known and distinguished; new ones are 
easily learned, and with a moderate share of dis- 

30 cretion may be properly applied on every fit occa- 
sion. However, I must here, upon this article of 



168 POLITE CONVERSATION 

swearing, most earnestly recommend to my male 
readers, that they would please a little to study 
variety. For, it is the opinion of our most refined 
swearers, that the same oath or curse, cannot, con- 
sistent with true politeness, be repeated above nine 5 
times in the same company, by the same person, 
and at one sitting. 

I am far from desiring, or expecting, that all the 
polite and ingenious speeches, contained in this 
work, should, in the general conversation between 10 
ladies and gentlemen, come in so quick and so close 
as I have here delivered them. By no means: on 
the contrary, they ought to be husbanded better, 
and spread much thinner. Nor, do I make the least 
question, but that, by a discreet thrifty manage- 15 
ment, they may serve for the entertainment of a 
whole year, to any person, who does not make too 
long or too frequent visits in the same family. The 
flowers of wit, fancy, wisdom, humour, and polite- 
ness, scattered in this volume, amount to one 20 
thousand, seventy and four. Allowing then to 
every gentleman and lady thirty visiting families, 
(not insisting upon fractions) there will want but 
little of an hundred polite questions, answers, re- 
plies, rejoinders, repartees, and remarks, to be rj 
daily delivered fresh, in every company, for twelve 
solar months; and even this is a higher pitch of 
delicacy than the world insists on, or hath reason 
to expect. But I am altogether for exalting this 
science to its utmost perfection. 30 

It may be objected, that the publication of my 



POLITE CONVERSATION 1 69 

book may, in a long course of time, prostitute this 
noble art to mean and vulgar people; but, I answer, 
that it is not so easy an acquirement as a few 
ignorant pretenders may imagine. A footman can 
5 swear; but he cannot swear like a lord. He can 
swear as often; but, can he swear with equal deli- 
cacy, propriety, and judgment? No, certainly; 
unless he be a lad of superior parts, of good mem- 
ory, a diligent observer; one who hath a skilful 

10 ear, some knowledge in music, and an exact taste, 
which hardly fall to the share of one in a thousand 
among that fraternity, in as high favour as they 
now stand with their ladies; neither hath one foot- 
man in six so fine a genius as to relish and apply 

15 those exalted sentences comprised in this volume, 
which I offer to the world. It is true, I cannot see 
that the same ill consequences would follow from 
the waiting-woman, who, if she hath been bred to 
read romances, may have som.e small subaltern, or 

20 second-hand politeness; and if she constantly at- 
tends the tea, and be a good listener, may, in some 
years, make a tolerable figure, which will serve, per- 
haps, to draw in the young chaplain or the old 
steward. But, alas! after all, how can she acquire 

25 those hundreds of graces and motions, and airs, the 
whole military management of the fan, the contor- 
tions of every muscular motion in the face, the ris- 
ings and fallings, the quickness and slowness of the 
voice, with the several turns and cadences; the 

30 proper junctures of smiling and frowning, how 
often and how loud to laugh, when to jibe and 



1/0 POLITE CONVERSATION 

when to flout, with all the other branches of doc- 
trine and discipline above recited? 

I am, therefore, not under the least apprehension 
that this art will be ever in danger of falling into 
common hands, which requires so much time, 
study, practice, and genius, before it arrives to per- 
fection; and, therefore, I must repeat my proposal 
for erecting public schools, provided with the best 
and ablest masters and mistresses, at the charge of 
the nation. lo 

I have drawn this work into the form of a dia- 
logue, after the patterns of other famous writers in 
history, law, politics, and most other arts and 
sciences, and I hope it will have the same success: 
for, who can contest it to be of greater consequence 15 
to the happiness of these kingdoms, than all human 
knowledge put together. Dialogue is held the best 
method of inculcating any part of knowledge; and, 
as I am confident, that public schools will soon be 
founded for teaching wit and politeness, after my 20 
scheme, to young people of quality and fortune, I 
have determined next session to deliver a petition 
to the House of Lords for an act of Parliament, to 
establish my book, as the standard grammar in all 
the principal cities of the kingdom where this art 25 
is to be taught, by able masters, who are to be ap- 
proved and recommended by me; which is no more 
than Lily obtained only for teaching words in a 
language wholly useless: neither shall I be so far 
wanting to myself, as not to desire a patent granted 30 
of course to all useful projectors; I mean, that I 



POLITE CONVERSATION I/I 

may have the sole profit of giving a hcense to every 
school to read my grammar for fourteen years. 

The reader cannot but observe what pains I have 
been at in polishing the style of my book to the 
5 greatest exactness: nor, have I been less diligent 
in refining the orthography, by spelling the words 
in the very same manner that they are pronounced 
by the chief patterns of politeness, at court, at 
levees, at assemblies, at play houses, at the prime 

lo visiting places, by young templers, and by gentle- 
men commoners of both universities, who have 
lived at least a twelvemonth in town, and kept the 
best company. Of these spellings the public will 
meet with many examples in the following book. 
For instance, can't, han't, sha'nt, didn't, coodn't, 
zvoodn't, isn't, e'n't, w4th many more ; besides sev- 
eral words which scholars pretend are derived from 

15 Greek and Latin, but not pared into a polite sound 
by ladies, officers of the army, courtiers, and temp- 
lers, such as jommetry for geometry, verdi for ver- 
dict. Herd for lord, larnen for learning', together with 
some abbreviations exquisitely refined; as, pozz for 

20 positive] mobb for mobile; pliizz for physiognomy, 
rep for reputation] plenipo for plenipotentiary] incog 
for incognito] hypps, or hippo, for hypocondriacs] bam 
for bamboozle] and bamboozle ior God knows what] 
whereby much time is saved, and the high road to 

25 conversation cut short by many a mile. 

I have, as it will be apparent, laboured very 
much, and, I hope, with felicity enough, to make 
every character in the dialogue agreeable with it- 



172 POLITE CONVERSATION 

self, to a degree, that, whenever any judicious per- 
son shall read my book aloud, for the entertain- 
ment and instruction of a select company, he need 
not so much as name the particular speakers; be- 
cause all the persons, throughout the several sub- 5 
jects of conversation, strictly observe a dififerent 
manner, peculiar to their characters, which are of 
dififerent kinds : but this I leave entirely to the pru- 
dent and impartial reader's discernment. 

Perhaps the very manner of introducing the sev- 10 
era! points of wit and humour may not be less en- 
tertaining and instructing than the matter itself. 
In the latter I can pretend to little merit; because 
it entirely depends upon the memory and the happi- 
ness of having kept polite company. But, the art 15 
of contriving, that those speeches should be intro- 
duced naturally, as the most proper sentiments to 
be delivered upon so great variety of subjects, I 
take to be a talent somewhat uncommon, and a 
labour that few people could hope to succeed in un- 20 
less they had a genius, particularly turned that way, 
added to a sincere disinterested love of the public. 

Although every curious question, smart answer, 
and witty reply be little known to many people; 
yet, there is not one single sentence in the whole 25 
collection, for which I cannot bring most authentic 
vouchers, whenever I shall be called; and, even for 
some expressions, which to a few nice ears may 
perhaps appear somewhat gross, I can produce the 
stamp of authority from courts, chocolate-houses, 30 
theatres, assemblies, drawing-rooms, levees, card 



POLITE CONVERSATION 173 

meetings, balls, and masquerades, from persons of 
both sexes, and of the highest titles next to royal. 
However, to say the truth, I have been very sparing 
in my quotations of such sentiments that seem to 

5 be over free; because, when I began my collection, 
such kind of converse was almost in its infancy, till 
it was taken into the protection of my honoured 
patronesses at court, by whose countenance and 
sanction it hath become a choice flower in the nose- 

lo gay of wit and politeness. 

Some will perhaps object, that when I bring my 
company to dinner, I mention too great a variety 
of dishes, not always consistent with the art of 
cookery, or proper for the season of the year, and 

15 part of the first course mingled with the second, 
besides a failure in politeness, by introducing black 
pudding to a lord's table, and at a great entertain- 
ment: but, if I had omitted the black pudding, I 
desire to know what would have become of that 

20 exquisite reason given by Miss iSTotable for not eat- 
ing it; the world perhaps might have lost it for- 
ever, and I should have been justly answerable for 
having left it out of my collection. I therefore can- 
not but hope, that such hypercritical readers will 

25 please to consider, my business was to make so full 
and complete a body of refined sayings, as com- 
pact as I could; only taking care to produce them 
in the most natural and probable manner, in order 
to allure my readers into the very substance and 

30 marrow of this most admirable and necessary art. 
I am heartily sorry, and was much disappointed 



1/4 POLITE CONVERSATION 

to find, that so universal and polite an entertain- 
ment as cards, hath hitherto contributed very little 
to the enlargement of my work : I have sat by many 
hundred times with the utmost vigilance, and my 
table-book ready, without being able in eight hours 5 
to gather matter for one single phrase in my book. 
But this, I think, may be easily accounted for by 
the turbulence and justling of passions upon the 
various and surprising turns, incidents, revolutions, 
and events of good and evil fortune, that arrive in 10 
the course of a long evening at play; the mind be- 
ing wholly taken up, and the consequence of non- 
attention so fatal. 

Play is supported upon the two great pillars of 
deliberation and action. The terms of art are few, 15 
prescribed by law and custom; no time allowed for 
digressions or trials of wit. Quadrille in particular 
bears some resemblance to a state of nature, which, 
we are told, is a state of war, wherein every woman 
is against every woman : the unions short, incon- 20 
stant, and soon broke; the league made this minute 
without knowing the ally; and dissolved in the 
next. Thus, at the game of quadrille, female brains 
are always employed in stratagem, or their hands 
in action. Neither can I find, that our art hath 25 
gained much by the happy revival of masquerading 
among us; the whole dialogue in those meetings 
being summed up in one sprightly (I confess, but) 
single question, and as sprightly an answer. '' Do 
you know me?" "Yes, I do." And, /' Do you 30 
know me?" ''Yes, I do," For thi3 reason I did 



POLITE CONVERSATION 175 

not think it proper to give my readers the trouble 
of introducing a masquerade, merely for the sake 
of a single question, and a single answer. Espe- 
cially when to perform this in a proper manner, I 
5 must have brought in a hundred persons together, 
of both sexes, dressed in fantastic habits for one 
minute, and dismissed them the next. 

Neither is it reasonable to conceive that our 
science can be much improved by masquerades ; 

10 where the wit of both sexes is altogether taken up 
in continuing singular and humoursome disguises ; 
and their thoughts entirely employed in bringing 
intrigues and assignations of gallantry to an happy 
conclusion. 

15 The judicious reader will readily discover, that I 
make Miss Notable my heroine and Mr. Thomas 
Never-out my hero. I have laboured both their 
characters with my utmost ability. It is into their 
mouths that I have put the liveliest questions, an- 

2oSwers, repartees, and rejoinders; because my de- 
sign was to propose them both as patterns for all 
young bachelors and single ladies to copy after. 
By which I hope very soon to see polite conversa- 
tion flourish between both sexes in a more consum- 

25 mate degree of perfection, than these kingdoms 
have yet ever known. 

I have drawn some lines of Sir John Linger's 
character, the Derbyshire knight, on purpose to 
place it in counter-view or contrast with that of the 

30 other company ; wherein I can assure the reader, 
that I intended not the least reflection upon Derby- 



1/6 POLITE CONVERSATION 

shire, the place of my nativity. But, my intention 
was only to show the misfortune of those persons, 
who have the disadvantage to be bred out of the 
circle of politeness ; whereof I take the present lim- 
its to extend no further than London, and ten 5 
miles round ; although others are pleased to com- 
pute it within the bills of mortality. If you com- 
pare the discourses of my gentlemen and ladies 
with those of Sir John^ you will hardly conceive 
him to have been bred in the same climate, or under 10 
the same laws, language, religion, or government : 
and, a.ccordingly, I have introduced him speaking 
in his own rude dialect, for no other reason than to 
teach my scholars how to avoid it. 

The curious reader will observe, that when con- 15 
versation appears in danger to flag, which, in some 
places, I have artfully contrived, I took care to in- 
vent some sudden question, or turn of wit, to revive 
it; such as these that follow. ''What? I think 
here's a silent meeting! Come, madam, a penny 20 
for your thought " ; with several other of the like 
sort. I have rejected all provincial or country 
turns of wit and fancy, because I am acquainted 
with a very few ; but, indeed, chiefly because I found 
them so very much inferior to those at court, espe- 25 
cially among the gentlemen ushers, the ladies of 
the bed-chamber, and the maids of honour ; I must 
also add, the hither end of our noble metropolis. 

When this happy art of polite conversing shall 
be thoroughly improved, good company will be no 30 
longer pestered with dull, dry, tedious story tellers, 



POLITE CONVERSATION 177 

nor brangling disputers : for, a right scholar, of 
either sex, in our science, will perpetually interrupt 
them with some sudden surprising piece of wit, 
that shall engage all the company in a loud laugh ; 
5 and, if after a pause, the grave companion resumes 
his thread in the following manner ; '' Well, but to 
go on with my story '' ; new interruptions come 
from the left to the right^ till he is forced to give 
over. 

10 I have made some few essays toward selling of 
bargains, as well for instructing those, who delight 
in that accomplishment, as in compliance with my 
female friends at court. However, I have trans- 
gressed a little in this point, by doing it in a man- 

15 ner somewhat more reserved than as it is now 
practiced at St. James's. At the same time, I can 
hardly allow this accomplishment to pass properly 
for a branch of that perfect polite conversation, 
which make the constituent subject of my treatise ; 

20 and, for which I have already given my reasons. 
I have likewise, for further caution, left a blank in 
the critical point of each bargain, which the saga- 
cious reader may fill up in his own mind. 

As to myself, I am proud to own, that except 

25 some smattering in the French, I am what the 
pedants and scholars call, a man wholly iUiterate, 
that is to say, unlearned. But^ as to my own lan- 
guage, I shall not readily yield to many persons : 
I have read most of the plays, and all the miscel- 
;,3olany poems that have been published for twenty 
years past. I have read Mr. Thomas Brown's 



178 POLITE CONVERSATION 

works entire, and had the honour to be his intimate 
friend, who was universally allowed to be the great- 
est genius of his age. 

Upon what foot I stand with the present chief 
reigning wits, their verses recommendatory, which 5 
they have commended me to prefix before my book, 
will be more than a thousand witnesses : I am, and 
have been, likewise, particularly acquainted with Mr. 
Charles Gildon, Mr. Ward, Mr. Dennis, that ad- 
mirable critic and poet, and several others. Each 10 
of these eminent persons (I mean those who are 
still alive) have done me the honour to read this 
production five times over with the strictest eye of 
friendly severity, and proposed some, although 
very few, amendments, which I gratefully accept- 15 
ed, and do here publicly return my acknowledg- 
ment for so singular a favour. 

And here, I cannot conceal without ingratitude, 
the great assistance I have received from those two 
illustrious writers, Mr. Ozell, and Captain Stevens. 20 
These, and some others, of distinguished eminence, 
in whose company I have passed so many agree- 
able hours, as they have been the great refiners of 
our language; so, it hath been my chief ambition to 
imitate them. Let the Popes, the Gays, the Ar-25 
buthnots, the Youngs, and the rest of that snarling ' 
brood burst with envy at the praises we receive 
from the court and kingdom. | 

But to return from this digression. 

The reader will find that the following collection 30 
of polite expressions will easily incorporate with all 



POLITE CONVERSATION 1 79 

subjects of genteel and fashionable life. Those, 
which are proper for morning tea, will be equally 
useful at the same entertainment in the afternoon, 
even in the same company, only by shifting the sev- 
5 eral questions, answers, and replies, into different 
hands ; and such as are adapted to meals will indif- 
ferently serve for dinners or suppers, only distin- 
guishing between day-Hght and candle-light. By 
this method no diligent person, of a tolerable mem- 

lo ory, can ever be at a loss. 

It hath been my constant opinion, that every 
man, who is intrusted by nature with any useful 
talent of the mind, is bound by all the ties of hon- 
our, and that justice which we all owe our country, 

15 to propose to himself some one illustrious action, 
to be performed in his life for the public emolu- 
ment. And, I freely confess, that so grand, so im- 
portant an enterprise as I have undertaken, and 
executed to the- best of my power, well deserved a 

20 much abler hand, as well as a liberal encourage- 
ment from the Crown. However, I am bound so 
far to acquit myself, as to declare, that I have often 
and most earnestly entreated several of my above- 
named friends, universally allowed to be of the first 

25 rank in wit and politeness, that they would under- 
take a work, so honourable to themselves, and so 
beneficial to the kingdom ; but so great was their 
modesty, that they all thought fit to excuse them- 
selves, and impose the task on me ; yet in so oblig- 

30 ing a manner, and attended with such compliments 

• on my poor qualifications, that I dare not repeat. 



l8o POLITE CONVERSATION 

And, at last, their entreaties, or rather their com- 
mands, added to that inviolable love I bear to the 
land of my nativity, prevailed upon me to engage 
in so bold an attempt. 

I may venture to affirm, without the least viola- 5 
tion of modesty, that there is no man, now alive, 
who hath, by many degrees, so just pretentions as 
myself, to the highest encouragement from the 
Crown, the Parliament, and the Ministry, towards 
bringing this work to its due perfection. I have lo 
been assured, that several great heroes of antiquity 
were worshipped as gods, upon the merit of having 
civilized a fierce and barbarous people. It is mani- 
fest, I could have no other intentions ; and, I dare 
appeal to my very enemies, if such a treatise as mine 15 
had been published some years ago, and with as 
much success as I am confident this will meet, I 
mean by turning the thoughts of the whole nobility 
and gentry to the study and practice of polite con- 
versation ; whether such mean stupid writers, as 20 
the Craftsman and his abettors, could have been 
able to corrupt the principles of so many hun- 
dred thousand subjects, as, to the shame and grief 
of every whiggish, loyal, and true protestant heart, 
it is too manifest, they have done. For, I desire 25 
the honest, judicious reader to make -one remark, 
that after having exhausted the whole in sickly pay- 
day * (if I may so call it) of politeness and refine- 
ment, and faithfully digested it in the following dia- 

* This word is spelt by Latinists Encyclopcrdia ; but the judi- 
cious author wisely prefers the polite reading before the pedantic 



POLITE CONVERSATION l8l 

logues, there cannot be found one expression re- 
lating to politics ; that the ministry is never 
mentioned, nor the word king, above twice or 
thrice, and then only to the honour of majesty; so 
5 very cautious were our wiser ancestors in forming 
rules for conversation, as never to give offence to 
crowned heads, nor interfere with party disputes 
in the state. And indeed, although there seem to 
be a close resemblance between the two words po- 

10 liteness and politics, yet no ideas are more incon- 
sistent in their natures. However, to avoid all 
appearance of disaffection, I have taken care to en- 
force loyalty by an invincible argument, drawn 
from the very fountain of this noble science, in the 

15 following short terms^ that ought to be writ in gold, 
Must is for the king ; which uncontrollable maxim 
I took particular care of introducing in the first 
page of my book ; thereby to instil early the best 
protestant loyal notions into the minds of my read- 

20 ers. Neither is it merely my own private opinion, 
, that politeness is the firmest foundation upon 
which loyalty can be supported : For, thus hap- 
pily sings the divine Mr. Tibbalds, or Theobalds, 
in one of his birthday poems : 

•»5 ^' I am no schollard; but I am polite: 

Therefore be sure I am no Jacobite." 

Hear, likewise, to the same purpose, that great 
master of the whole poetic choir, our most illustri- 
I ous laureate, Mr. Colley Cibber. 

^ ''Who in his talk can't speak a polite thing, 

Will never loyal be to George our King." 



l82 POLITE CONVERSATION 

I could produce many more shining passages out 
of our principal poets, of both sexes, to confirm this 
momentous truth. From whence, I think, it may 
be fairly concluded, that whoever can most con- 
tribute towards propagating the science contained 5 
in the following sheets, through the kingdoms of 
Great Britain and Ireland, may justly demand all 
the favour, that the wisest court^ and most judicious 
senate, are able to confer on the most deserving 
subject. I leave the application to my readers. 10 

This is the work, which I have been so hardy to 
attempt, and without the least mercenary view. 
Neither do I doubt of succeeding to my full wish, 
except among the tories and their abettors ; who 
being all Jacobites, and, consequently papists in 15 
their hearts, from a want of true taste, or by strong 
affectation, may perhaps resolve not to read my 
book ; choosing rather to deny themselves the pleas- 
ure and honour of shining in polite company among 
the principal geniuses of both sexes throughout the 20 
kingdom, than adorn their minds with this noble 
art ; and probably apprehending (as, I confess 
nothing is more likely to happen) that a true spirit 
of loyalty to the protestant succession should steal 
in along with it. 25 

If my favourable and gentle readers could pos- 
sibly conceive the perpetual watchings, the number- 
less toils, the frequent risings in the night, 
to set down several ingenious sentences, that I 
suddenly or accidentally recollected; and which, 30 
without my utmost vigilance, had been irrecover- : 



POLITE COiSrVERSATlON 1 83 

ably lost forever : if they would consider with what 
incredible diligence I daily and nightly attended at 
those houses, where persons of both sexes, and of 
the most distinguished merit, used to meet and 
5 display their talents ; with what attention I listened 
to all their discourses, the better to retain them in 
my memory; and then, at proper seasons, withdrew 
unobserved to enter them in my table-book, while 
the company little suspected what a noble work I 

10 had then in embryo : I say, if all these were known 
to the world, I think, it would be no great pre- 
sumption in me to expect, at a proper juncture, the 
public thanks of both Houses of Parliament, for 
the service and honour I have done to the whole 

15 nation by my single pen. 

Although I have never been once charged with 
the least tincture of vanity, the reader will, I hope, 
give me leave to put an easy question: What is 
become of all the King of Sweden's victories? where 

20 are the fruits of them at this day? or, of what bene- 
fit will they be to posterity? Were not many of his 
greatest actions owing, at least in part, to fortune? 
were not all of them owing to the valour of his 
troops, as much as to his own conduct? Could he 

25 have conquered the Polish king, or the Czar of 
Muscovy, with his single arm? Far be it from me 
to envy or lessen the fame he hath acquired; but, 
at the same time, I will venture to say, without 
brea:ch of modesty, that I, who have alone with this 

30 right hand subdued barbarism, rudeness, and rus- 
ticity, who have established and fixed forever the 



l84 POLITE CONVERSATION 

whole system of all true politeness and refinement 
in conversation, should think myself most inhu- 
manely treated by my countrymen, and would ac- 
cordingly resent it as the highest indignity, to be 
put upon the level, in point of fame, in after ages, 5 
with Charles the Twelfth, late King of Sweden. 

And yet, so incurable is the love of detraction, 
perhaps beyond what the charitable reader will 
easily believe, that I have been assured by more 
than one credible person, how some of my enemies lo 
have industriously whispered about, that one Isaac 
Newton, an instrument maker, formerly living near 
Leicester-fields, and afterwards a workman at the 
Mint in the Tower, might possibly pretend to vie 
with me for fame in future times. The man it ^5 
seems was knighted for making sun-dials better 
than others of his trade, and was thought to be a 
conjurer, because he knew how to draw lines and 
circles upon a slate, which nobody could under- 
stand. But, adieu to all noble attempts for endless 20 
renown, if the ghost of an obscure mechanic shall 
be raised up to enter into competition with me, only 
for his skill in making pot-hooks and hangers with 
a pencil, which many thousand accomplished gen- 
tlemen and ladies can perform as well with a pen 25 
and ink upon a piece of paper, and, in a manner, as 
little intelligible as those of Sir Isaac. 

My most ingenious friend already mentioned, 
Mr. Colley Cibber, who does too much honour to 
the laurel crown he deservedly wears (as he hath 30 
often done to many imperial diadems placed on his 



POLITE CONVERSATION^ 1 85 

head) was pleased to tell me, that, if my treatise 
were formed into a comedy, the representation, per- 
formed to advantage on our theatre might very 
much contribute to the spreading of polite conver- 
5 sation among all persons of distinction through the 
whole kingdom. 

I own, the thought was ingenious, and my 
friend's intention good. But, I cannot agree to his 
proposal: for, Mr. Cibber himself allowed, that the 

10 subjects handled in my v/ork being so numerous 
and extensive, it would be absolutely impossible 
for one, two, or even six comedies to contain them. 
From whence it will follow, that many admirable 
and essential rules for poHte conversation must be 

15 omitted. 

And here let me do justice to my friend Mr. 
Tibbalds, who plainly confessed before Mr. Cibber 
himself, that such a project, as it would be a great 
diminution to my honour, so it would intolerably 

20 mangle my scheme, and thereby destroy the princi- 
pal end at which I aimed, to form a complete body 
or system of this most useful science in all its parts. 
And therefore Mr. Tibbalds, whose judgment was 
never disputed, chose rather to fall in with my pro- 

25 posal mentioned before, of erecting public schools 

and seminaries all over the kingdom, to instruct the 

young people of both sexes in this art, according to 

my rules, and in the method that I have laid down. 

I shall conclude this long, but necessary intro- 

3oduction, with a request, or indeed rather, a just 
and reasonable demand from all lords, ladies, and 



l86 POLITE CONX^ERSATWN 

gentlemen, that while they are entertaining and im- 
proving each other with those polite questions, 
answers, repartees, replies, and rejoinders, which I 
have with infinite labour, and close application, dur- 
ing the space of thirty-six years, been collecting for 5 
their service and improvement, they shall, as an 
instance of gratitude, ' on every proper occasion, 
quote my name, after this or the like manner. 
'' Madam, as our master Wagstafif says." '' My 
lord, as our friend Wagstafif has it.'' I do likewise lo 
expect, that all my pupils shall drink my health 
every day at dinner and supper during my life; and 
that they, or their posterity, shall continue the same 
ceremony to my not inglorious memory, after my 
decease, forever. 



NOTES 



A TALE OF A TUB 

I The Tale of a Tub contains the following divisions not included 
in this edition : *' Dedication to the Right Honourable John Lord 
Somers"; "The Bookseller to the Reader"; "The Epistle Dedi- 
catory to His Royal Highness Prince Posterity"; "The Author's 
Preface"; " Sect. I — The Introduction"; " Sect. Ill — A Digression 
Concerning Critics " ; " Sect. V — A Digression in the Modern kind " ; 
"Sect. VII — A Digression in Praise of Digressions"; "Sect. VIII 
— A Tale of a Tub [continued]"; "Sect. IX — A Digression con- 
cerning the Original, the Use, and Improvement of Madness, in a 
Commonwealth"; "Sect. X — A Farther Digression"; and "The 
Conclusion." It will be noticed that nearly every other section is 
called a "digression." "The abuses in religion," Swift says in his 
Apology (1709), " he proposed to set forth in the allegory of the coats, 
and the three brothers, which was to make up the body of the dis- 
course : those in learning he chose to introduce by way of digres- 
sions." The digressions are in no way inferior in interest to the 
sections printed here, and are omitted only on account of lack of 
space. The student is advised, if possible, to read the Tale of a Tub 
entire. The sections given here "make up the body of the discourse " 
or tale proper. 

A Tale of a Tub. This expression was used long before Swift's 
time to mean an incredible or pointless story. Sir Thomas More ap- 
plied it to an incoherent speech made in his court by an attorney named 
Tubbe. One of Ben Jonson's early comedies has this title and a char- 
acter called Squire Tub. Cf. G. Gascoigne, Certain Notes of Instruc- 
tion (1575), Arber's ed., p. 32 : " It [an over-elaborated theme] will 
appear to the skilfull reader but a tale of a tubbe." Sir Thomas 
Urquhart uses the phrase (1653) to translate Rabelais's " conte de la 

187 



l88 NOTES 

ciguoingne " (Book ii, chap. xxix). Cf. also Spectator^ No. 262; and 
iee Century Dictionary . 

The following from the "Preface" to the Tale of a Tub will ex- 
plain Swift's use of the title : ''At a grand committee some days ago, 
this important discovery was made by a certain curious aud refined 
observer — that seamen have a custom, when they meet a w^hale, to fling 
him out an empty tub by way of amusement, to divert him from lay- 
ing violent hands upon the ship. This parable was immediately myth- 
ologized; the whale was interpreted to beHobbes's Leviathan, which 
tosses and plays with all schemes of religion and government, where- 
of a great many are hollow, and dry, and empty, and noisy, and 
wooden, and given to rotation : this is the leviathan, whence the ter- 
rible wits of our age are said to borrow their weapons. The ship in 
danger is easily understood to be its old antitype, the commonwealth. 
But how to analyze the tub, was a matter of difficulty; when, 
after long inquiry and debate, the literal meaning was preserved; 
and it was decreed, that, in order to prevent these leviathans from 
tossing and sporting with the commonwealth, which of itself is too 
apt to fluctuate, they should be diverted from that game by a Tale of 
a Tub. And, my genius being conceived to lie not unhappily that 
way, I had the honor done me to be engaged in the performance." 

1 : 2, three sons. These, later called Peter, Martin, and Jack, 
represent the Church of Rome, the Church of England, and the dis- 
senters. 

1:3, 'which was the eldest. It is impossible. Swift means, to give 
any one of the churches preference on the ground of antiquity. 

1: II. The new coat was the Christian faith and doctrine. It was 
to be ''worn and managed" in accordance with the will^ i.e.^ the 
Bible. 

2 : 27. The Duchess of Money, Madame Great Titles, and the 
Countess of Pride. Covetousness, ambition, and pride were, according 
to Wotton, " the three great vices that the ancient fathers inveighed 
against, as the first corruptions of Christianity." 

2:31. Swift, in the following, interjects some satire on contem- 
porary wits. 

3 : 8, Locket's was a tavern near Charing Cross (Craik). For WilTs 
see 75 : 15, note. 

3 : 14, sub dio = in the open air. That is, they stayed in the street 
and never got inside. 



NOTES 189 

4 : 4, idol. The idol is the tailor, and the next line refers to. the 
proverbial idea that "the tailor makes the man." Tailors lodged 
in ' ' the highest part of the house " because it was the cheapest; they 
) sat on tables with their legs crossed. 

4 : 10, a goose. That is, the tailor's goose (smoothing-iron), some 
learned men pretend, is descended from the sacred geese kept in the 
Roman capitol. 

4 : 14, Hell. The tailor's hell is the place where he throws 
scraps. In Section III it is made '' the type of the critic's commonplace 

j book." 

' 4 : 24, Cercopithecus = a kind of long-tailed monkey. " The Egyp- 
tians worshipped a monkey, which animal is very fond of eating lice, 
styled here creatures that feed on human gore." — Hawkesworth. 
For an interesting note on this see Lane-Poole, Prose Writings of 

' Swift, p. 266. 

I 4 : 28, yard and needle. Two puns ; the words can mean the 

' tailor's yard-stick and needle, or the yard of a mast and the mari- 

I ner's compass. 

j 5:6, priinum mobile rr " in the Ptolemaic system of astronomy, 
the tenth or outermost of the revolving spheres of the universe, which 

j was supposed to revolve from east to west in twenty- four hours, 

(and to carry the others along with it in its motion." — Century Dic- 
tionary. 

5 : 10, water-tabby. Tabby was originally any silken stuff, not 
necessarily watered. Water-tabby is therefore watered silk. The 
word tabby alone has since come to mean watered silk or any watered 
material. 

5 : 16, 77iicro-coat = coat in miniature, a word coined to resemble 
viicrocosm. Swift says elsewhere : ''Philosophers say that m.an is a 
microcosm, or little world, resembling in miniature every part of the 
great ; and the body natural may be compared to the body politic." 
One of these philosophers was Paracelsus, whose '-models were the 
oriental reveries of the Cabbala and the theosophy of the mystics. 
He seized hold of a notion which easily seduces the imagination of 
those who do not ask for rational proof, that there is a constant anal- 
ogy between the macrocosm, as they called it, of external nature, and 
".he microcosm of man. " — Hallam, Introduction to the Literature of 
Europe, pt. i, chap, vii, sec. i, § 17. 

6 : 14. The two preceding paragraphs contain the germ of Car- 



I go NOTES 

lyle's '' clothes philosophy. " Carlyle was familiar with Swift and 
many ideas in Sartor Resartus are suggested by the Tale of a Tub. 
Carlyle refers specifically to these paragraphs in Sartor^ Bk. iii, 
chap, xi : '' The doctrine, which Swift, with the keen forecast of 
genius, dimly anticipated, will stand revealed in clear light : that 
the Tailor is not only a Man, but something of a Creator or Divin- 
ity." The fact, however, hardly detracts from Carlyle's origin- 
ality : he made infinitely more of the clothes idea than the jest 
with which Swift stopped. 

6:21, ex traduce^ from Latin tradux^ a vine-layer trained for prop- 
agation. This passage refers to a theological controversy as to the 
origin of the soul. Traducianism was the theory that the soul of 
man is derived from the souls of his parents, just as his body is derived 
from their bodies ; i.e.^ both are ex traduce. Creationism was the 
opposing theory, that only the body is ex traduce^ and that each soul 
is a separate creation. This point was much discussed in the seven- 
teenth century. Craik refers to Sir Thomas Browne, who mentions 
traduction [Religio Medici, i, 36); and to Sir Kenelm Digby, who in 
his Observations says : "It [the soul] is not ex traduce, and yet 
hath a strange kind of near dependence on the body, which is, as it 
were, God's instrument to create it by." 

6 : 23, in them we live. Cf. Acts, chap, xvii, v. 28, "In him we 
live, and move, and have our being." In his Defeats e of the Reflec- 
tions (1705), which includes Observations upon the Tale of a Tttb, 
William Wotton criticises Swift for the light use of this passage 
from the Bible. Swift made a general reply in his Apology (1709). 

6 ; 25, all in all, and all in every part. Swift has in mind Anax- 
agoras's doctrine of the homogeneity of the universe, according to 
Craik, who quotes Lucretius, Bk. i, v. 876 : "Quod Anaxagoras 
sibi sumit, ut omnibus omnes res putet immixtas rebus latitare," ' 
etc. ; "all things lie secretly mixed with all things." 

8 : 10, all of a piece ; but, at the same time, very plain. "This, 
Wotton says, "is the distinguishing character of the Christian reli- 
gion : Christiana religio absoluta et simplex^ was Ammianus Marcel- 
linus's description of it, who was himself a heathen." 

8 : 15, ruclles. The ruelle was primarily the space between the 
bed and the wall; hence the bedroom, or alcove to a bedroom, in 
which fine ladies in France during the seventeenth and eighteenth 
centuries held receptions in the morning. At this hour persons oii 



NOTES 191 

fashion, wit, and learning were to be found in the ruelles ; and 
men of fashion were called ho??ij?ies de ruelles. 

8:21, twelve penny gallery. The cheapest part of the playhouse. 

8 : 22, I anifirst sculler. Of the boats on the Thames "some are 
rowed but by one man, others by two; the former are called scull- 
ers, and the latter oars." — Misson in Ashton's Social Life in the 
Reign of Queen An7ie, chap, xxxiv. The waterman takes it for 
granted that the brothers want the cheaper boat. 

8 : 23, the Rose was a famous tavern in Russell street, Covent 
Garden, — conveniently near the two theatres, Drury Lane and Lin- 
coln's Inn Fields. Also near Will's (see 75 : 15, note). 

9 : 4, totideiu verbis — in so many words. 

9 : 6, inclusive is apparently a Latin word taken from one of the 
theological writers whom Swift is ridiculing. It is not classical, 
and is uncommon in mediaeval Latin. 

9:21, the distinguishing brother is Peter. 

9 : 26, Q. V. C. =^ quibusdam veteribus codicibus ; in some ancient 
manuscripts. 

10 : 2, shoulder knots. These represent the first additions and cor- 
ruptions introduced in the early church. 

10 : 3, jure paterno = in accordance with paternal law. The words 
are simply the allegorical substitute for jure divino. Abuses in the 
church were justified a.s Jure divino. 

10 : 10, gold lace represents further unauthorized addition to the 
primitive teaching, perhaps in the way of useless ornamentation in 
the churches and services. 

10 : 23, aliquo mo do ess entice adhcerere. See 10 : 26, note. 

10 : 26, dialectica. This title was given, in Latin translations, to 
Aristotle's Oiganon^ though the more common title was Logica. See 
Buhle, Aristotelis Opera, vol. i, p. 234. The book De Interpreta- 
tione is the second of the six logical treatises which make up the 
Organon and treats of the expression of thought in language. It 
contains, for example, chapters ''Of Affirmation and Negation," 
*' Of Contraries and Contradictories." Since it was near the begin- 
ning of Aristotle's logical writings and treated of forms of disputa- 
tion, a subject particularly interesting to the Schoolmen, the De In- 
terpretatione was much studied in the middle ages. In the Latin 
phrases following (11. 32, 33) Swift is ridiculing the conventional 
argumentative forms of the Schoolmen. 



192 NOTES 

11 : I, nunciipatory and scriptory r= oral and written wills. The 
English law tends to restrict nuncupatory wills, allowing them only 
in the case of soldiers in actual service and seamen at sea. The 
nuncupatory will here represents oral tradition in the church as 
opposed to the written directions of the Bible. 

11 : 16, flame-coloured satin. ^'This is purgatory, whereof he 
speaks more particularly hereafter; but here only to show how Scrip- 
ture was perverted to prove it, which was done, by giving equal 
authority with the canon to Apocrypha, called here a codicil an- 
nexed." — Hawkesworth. 

11 : 19, ??ty Lord C — and Sir y. W. The names. Lord Conway 
and Sir John Walters, are given instead of the initials in some edi- 
tions. Sir John Walters is several times mentioned in the Journal 
to Stella. 

12 : 5, codicil. The Apocryphal books, which among the Jews 
were uncanonical {i.e.^ were not included in the Hebrew Bible) but 
which were later given more or less authority, are spoken of as codi- 
cils. In the book of Tobit, here referred to particularly, Tobit is 
accompanied in his wanderings by his dog and the book is therefore 
''by a dog-keeper." The book is considered authoritative by the 
Roman Catholic Church and is apparently used to support the doc- 
trine of purgatory. 

12:21, silver fringe. Some other corruption; according to an 
early note the pompous habits of the clergy. But cf. 14 : 23 ; 32 : 9. 

13 : 23, Indian figures of men^ wo7nen^ and children. Images of 
the saints and of the Virgin and Child in the churches. 

14 : 4. " The excuse was made for the worship of images by the 
Church of Rome, that they were used, not as idols, but as helps to 
devotional recollection of those whom they represented." — Scott. 

14 : 16, to lock up their father' s will^ etc. The use of the Scriptures 
in the vulgar tongues was forbidden. They could be read only in 
the Greek or in the Latin of the Vulgate. 

14 : 22, an infinite number of points^ most ofthe??t tagged with silver. 
Papal decrees authorized practices for their revenue (''tagged with 
silver") and these, whether primitive or not, were pronounced ex 
cathedra (from the Papal chair) to be jure pater7io (in accordance 
with Scripture). 

15 : I, canonical ^^ authoritative, in accordance with admitted rule. 

16 : 7, obtained the favour of a certain lord^ etc. ; that is, he was ad- 



NOTES 193 

mitted by the Roman emperors into Rome as a bishop. The ' ' deed 
of conveyance," referred to in the next sentence, is the so-called 
<' Donation of Constantine, " which purported to be an edict issued 
by the Emperor Constantine in 324 granting to the bishops of Rome 
the temporal sovereignty of Italy and the West. 

16 : 15. Section II covers the period down to the establishment 
of the Popes in temporal power; Section IV extends from that time to 
the Reformation. 

16 : 2, Peter is taken for a name because the popes trace their line 
back to St. Peter, the first bishop of Rome. See 31:7, note. 

16 : 6, fonde = fund. The latter word has taken the place oifond 
2indfonde which were in use in the seventeenth century. Cf. '' some 
new fonde of wit," in Section VII (omitted in this edition). 

16 : 8, projector and virtuoso. The word projector had a peculiar 
and somewhat opprobrious meaning in Swift's time (cf. our '' specu- 
lator") which gives point to this satire. See Defoe's zuxxqm's^ Essay 
upon Projects^ in which numerous projects, or undertakings, are de- 
scribed, the first being Noah's Ark and the Tower of Babel. In his 
I dedication Defoe says: ^' And yet your having a capacity to judge of 
these things no way brings you under the despicable title of pro- 
jector^ any more than knowing the practices and subtleties of wicked 
men, makes a man guilty of their crimes." The following pages in 
the Tale of a Tub recall in so many ways Defoe's Essay that it 
is hard to believe Swift did not have it in mind, though it did not 
appear until May 29, 1698. See 18 : 12, note. For virtuoso see 
75 : 20, note. 

16 : 22, academies. The number of academies which sprang up in 
Italy and France in the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries was enor- 
mous. Cleder, Notice sur V Academic des Intronati, gives a list of 
217 which appeared in Italy alone in the last years of the fifteenth cen- 
tury and during the sixteenth. The first of modern academies seems to 
have been the Accademia Platonica, started about 1440 at Florence by 
Cosimo de' Medici ; others appeared immediately in Naples and Rome. 
The most famous of the Italian societies was the Accademia della 
Crusca, established in 1582. The Academic Fran^aise dates from 
1635. For the academies see La grande encyclopedic^ vol. i, p. 230. 

16 : 26, Eastern Missionaries. Two Franciscan missionaries are 
said to have gone as far as Pekin in the fourteenth century. After the 
Dpening of navigation (i486) missionaries to the East were common. 



194 NOTES 

17 : 4, ^ large continent. According to Bentley this is purgatory; 
according to the Pate MS. it is the West Indies. The paragraph 
seems to refer to the granting and regranting of newly discovered 
lands in America by the Popes. 

17 : 17, The patient was to eat nothings etc. , Refers to fasting and 
penances. 

17 : 25, a whispering office =z the confessional. 

18 : 9j an office of insurance. This office — which insures things 
without regard for their liability to fire, not only tobacco pipes and 
martyrs but shadows and rivers — corresponds to the sale of indul- 
gences to sinners irrespective of guilt. 

18 : 12^ friendly societies = mutual benefit or insurance societies. 
Defoe, in his Essay upon Projects (1697), speaks of them in his pref- 
ace as very common. The Essay also includes a chapter on friendly 
societies which defines them (p. 118) as ^'in short, a number of 
people entering into a mutual compact to help one another in case 
any disaster or distress fall upon them." 

18 : 18, puppets and raree shows = perhaps, images and cere- 
monial processions. 

18 : 22, his famous universal pickle = the '^holy water," which is 
prepared from salt and water, with exorcism and benediction; and 
which, consequently, having the same ingredients, *'to the taste, the 
smell, and the sight, appeared exactly the same," as the ordinary 
pickle. The "powder pimperlimpimp " is perhaps the salt which 
is thrown into the water. 

19 : 7, spar gef action = sprinkling. 

19 : 17, dulls = the papal bulls, of course. 

20 : 4, into common lead. The papal bulls were sealed with a 
leaden bulla^ or round seal, from which came their name. See 20: 19, 
note. 

20: II, squibs and crackers are two kinds of fireworks. ''These 
are the fulminations of the Pope, threatening hell and damnation to 
those princes who offend him." 

20 : 16. The quotations are from Horace, Ars Poetica^ vv. 1-5. 

" Humano capiti cervicem pictor equinam 
Jungere si velit, et varias inducere plumas 
Undique collatis membris, ut turpiter atrum 
Desinat in piscem mulier formosa superne, 
Spectatum admissi risum ten^^tis, amici ? " 



NOTES 195 

20: 19, fishes' tails. Papal briefs closed with the words <'snb 
annulo piscatoris " and were sealed with the ''fisherman's ring," a 
signet which represents St. Peter fishing. One point which distin- 
guishes the brief from the bull is that the former is sealed with the 
annuliis piscatoris while the latter is sealed with the bulla. Swift's 
reference is therefore slightly inaccurate. 

20 : 22, naughty boys. " That is, kings who incurred his displeas- 
ure." — Hawkes worth. 

20 : 26, appetitus sensibilis is about equivalent to liquorish affec- 
tion (21 : 7). For liquorish see Century Dictionary. 

21 : 3, /^z/^^^^V ^jre^2«" /a<:/2^, ''by the throwing of a little dust." 
See Virgil, Georgics, iv, 87. 

21 : 12, bull- beggars = bug-bears. Swift was not the first to use 
the word with punning reference to the papal bull. See New Eng- 
lish Dictionary , 

21 : 14, some gentlemen of the northwest^ etc. This refers to the 
English reformation. In 153 1, with other measures aimed at the 
papal authority, a proclamation was issued making it unlawful to 
introduce bulls from Rome. 

21 :23, a pardon for a certain sum of money. Pardons seem to 
have been given by the Popes, for money, to criminals held by the 
civil power. 

22 : 5. In Tatler No. 25 (1709), in ridiculing challenges to duels, 
Steele quotes this passage, softening it somewhat. 

22 : 9, man s man. In official documents the Pope was styled 
servus servorum Dei. 

22 : 17, vere adepti. These words were applied by the Rosicrucians 
and other pretenders to occult wisdom to those who were masters of 
the arcana^ such as the* secrets of the elixir of life and of turning 
the baser metals into gold. In Section X of the Tale of a Tub 
Swift uses "true illuminated" in the same sense. Cf. also Butler, 
Hudibras^ I, i, 546, 

" In Rosicrucian lore as learned 
As he that ver^ adept us earned." 

22 : 20, in the operation = in practical use. 

22 : 23, innuendo^ as Craik notes, is used not in the usual modern 
sense but as equivalent merely to hint or reminder. In the Introduc- 
tion to Polite Conversation (165 : 7) it is used in the ordinary sense, 



196 NOTES 

23 : 13, three old high-cr owned hats refers, of course, to the Pope's 
triple tiara which represents the three -fold authority of the head of 
the Catholic church. The keys are the keys of St. Peter. The 
angling-rod Wotton explains as the '' fisher's ring," but it is perhaps 
more natural to take it as the papal staff, which Swift humorously 
refers to as an angling-rod because St. Peter was a fisherman. 

23 : 19, present them with his foot. Refers to the custom of kiss- 
ing the Pope's foot. 

23 : 28, boutade = sally of wit. 

23 : 28, hich both their wives, etc. Refers to the celibacy of the 
Roman clergy. 

24 : 2, drop of drink. Refers to the Roman Catholic rule allow- 
ing laymen communion in only one kind. The passage following 
of course ridicules the doctrine of transubstantiation. 

25 : 13, take me along with yoii. Cf. Henry IV. , Act ii, scene 4, 
** I would your grace would take me with you ; whom means your 
grace?" The expression in 27 : 10 recalls the same scene: ''If 
that man should be lewdly given." It would be unwise to conclude 
that Swift had been reading Henry IV. References to Shakspere 
are very rare in Swift. Scott says in his Life (ed. 1824, p. 466), 
*'To the drama particularly he was so indifferent, that he never 
once alludes to the writings of Shakspere, nor, wonderful to be 
told, does he appear to have possessed a copy of his works." In 
the yournal to Stella, however, Jan. 8, 1711-12, Swift quotes from 
Henry VIII. ; and in his Advice to a Young Feet he has some unob- 
jectionable criticism of Shakspere. 

26 : 3. Leadenhall market has existed since as early as the fifteenth 
century. It is now a poultry and game market but was the principal 
meat market in Swift's time. Craik, however, aptly quotes from 
Gay, Trivia, a passage which shows that Leadenhall was not con- 
sidered the best place to buy mutton : 

" Shall the large mutton smoke upon your boards? 
Such Newgate's copious market best affords. 
Would'st thou with mighty beef augment thy meal ? 
Seek Leadenhall : St. James's sends thee veal." 

27 : 5, that great a7id famous rupture is, of course, the reforma- 
tion. 

27 : 19, gave as much milk at a 7neal. '' The ridiculous multiply- 
ing of the Virgin Mary's milk among the Papists." — Wotton, 



NOTES 197 

27 : 22, an old sign-post. So many nails and splinters from the 
true cross were shown that together they would ''build sixteen large 
men of war." 

27 : 25, Chinese waggons. Cf. Paradise Lost, iii, 437. 

" The barren plains 
Of Sericana, where Chineses drive 
With sails and wind their cany wagons light." 

27 : 28, a large house of lime and stone., etc. Swift has in mind the 
Santa Casa or Holy House at Loreto, in Italy. According to Roman 
Catholic writers this was originally the house of the Virgin at Naza- 
reth which was made into a church by the apostles and used until 
the fall of Jerusalem. In 1291, threatened with destruction by the 
Turks, it was carried by angels and after several moves ('' granting 
that it sometimes stopped to bait ") deposited in 1294 at Loreto. 

28 : 17, copia vera = true copy. Refers to the translations of the 
Scriptures which let people see at the Reformation ''how grossly they 
had been abused." 

29 : 6, a pardon fro?n the king. Luther taught that remission of 
sins could be obtained, not by the purchase of an indulgence, but only 
through the mercy of God. 

29 : 7, a file of dragoons is the civil power called on by the Pope 
to suppress the reformers. 

31 : 7, Martin, standing for the Church of England, is from Martin 
Luther; yack, from John Calvin, represents the dissenters and pres- 
byterians. Swift gives the brothers their names at the proper point 
in the story, chronologically; the first brother is called Peter in 
16 : 2, but Martin and Jack of course do not come in until the 
Reformation. 

31 : 24, deal entirely with invention, etc. Swift is returning to 
the subject of the Battle of the Books. Cf. 67 : 12, 69 : 30. 

32 : 9, only those tagged with silver ; i.e., only those that would 
yield a revenue. Cf. " silver fringe," 12 : 21. 

32 : 16. Swift in this paragraph means to say that, though the 
English Church was radical in its reformation at first (in Henry 
VIII's time), it was afterwards wisely conservative and pursued a 
middle course. He has shown that the Church of Rome was mer- 
cenary and idolatrous on the one hand; he proceeds to show that 
the dissenters were fanatical and hypocritical on the other. 



198 NOTES 

34 : 6, historUtheo-phy si-logical account. This ridicules the long 
compounds used for titles and the elaborate subdivisions of their 
subjects made by the learned writers of the seventeenth century. 
Cf. the title of Burton's Anatomy of Melancholy^ 1660, " Philosophi- 
cally, Medicinally, Historically opened «& cut up." 

34 : 12, the modern way of subscription. In 1697, while Swift was 
writing the Tale of a Tub, Dry den's Virgil was published by sub- 
scription. This new method of selling books doubtless attracted 
considerable attention. According to Beljame, Le public et les hom7nes 
de letires, p. 382, Dryden's Virgil was the fourth book published in 
this way, the others being Walton's Polyglot Bible (1654-57), Ton- 
son's reprint of Paradise Lost (1688), and A Wood's Aihence Oxo- 
nienses (1691). But this list is doubtless incomplete; and Walton's 
Bible was probably not the first. See Dictionary of National Biog- 
raphy, under ''Walton." 

36 : 16, kennel = gutter. 

36 : 10, dispensable. Dispensations were licenses granted by church 
authorities to do what was forbidden, or to leave undone what was 
required, by ecclesiastical law. Dispensable means subject to such 
dispensation; permissible though contrary to law. 

37 : 5, garnish was money paid by a -'fresh tenant" to the jailer 
and used partly to buy refreshment for the other prisoners. This 
payment was abolished by Parliament in 1764. See Fielding, Amelia^ 
Bk. I, chap. iii. 

37 : 7, Exchange women. "The galleries over the piazzas in the 
Royal Exchange were formerly filled with shops, kept chiefly by 
women; the same use was made of a building called the New Ex- 
change in the Strand." — Hawkesworth. 

37 : 16, fox's argiwients. See L'Estrange's Fables of ^sop, No. 
loi, which Swift may have read. The fox, losing his tail in a trap, 
to persuade the others to cut off theirs, "made a learned discourse 
upon the trouble, the uselessness, and the indecency of foxes wearing 
tails." 

38 : I. The names refer to particular kinds of dissenters : Jack 
the bald (calvus) to the Calvinists ; jfack with a lantern to those who 
pretended to see everything by the inward light of the spirit; Dutch 
yack to the Anabaptists, of whom John of Leyden was a fanatical 
leader; French Hugh to the Huguenots; Tom the Beggar to Les 
Gueux—thQ Beggars — as those who resisted Philip II. and Catholi- 



NOTES 199 

cism in the Low Countries were called; Knocking Jack of the North 
to the Scotch presbyterians, from John Knox. 

38 : 8, epidemic. Frequently used by Swift in the sense of wide- 
spread. 

38 : 8, ^olists. From ^olus, god of the winds. In Section VIII 
this epidemic sect is described; they ''maintain the original cause of 
all things to be wind." 

38 : 14. ''O'erlaying all with honied charm." Swift misquotes 
from Lucretius, i, 934, ''Musseo contingens cuncta lepore," confus- 
ing this line with i, 938 or i, 947. The second syllable of meii'eo^ be- 
ing short, does not suit the meter, and Scott reads mellceo. 

38 : 22, allowing. Misrelated participles are common in Swift. Cf. 
40 : 10. 

39 : 18, let them jog on. This abrupt change to a more direct form 
for the sake of vividness would be hardly allowable at present. It is 
common enough in the prose of Swift's time. Cf. 56 : 22. 

40 : 4, from two of the foregoing. Refers probably to two sections 
omitted here, Section VIII, on the ^olists, and Section IX, on Mad- 
ness. 

40 : 14, mysteries =: hidden significations. 

40 : 25, conve7'ting imaginations =: -'imaginations that are always 
hunting after symbolical interpretations." — Craik. 

41 : 4, creature z= first a being created, and so one wholly subser- 
vient to the will of the creator. Fondest creature = most foolishly 
credulous slave. 

41 : 12, prove this very skin oj parchment to be, etc. Refers to the 
extravagant reliance of the puritans and dissenters on the Bible, and 
their belief that the very book itself had miraculous power. 

41 : 27, ran wholly in the phrase of his will. Refers to the puritan's 
constant quotation from the Bible and reference to it. See 45 : 3, 
note. 

41 : 31, never to say grace to his meat. The sacrament was taken 
by dissenters without ceremony. 

42 : 4, snap-dragon, a game, consisted in snatching raisins out of 
burning brandy. It is described in Tatler, No. 85. 

42 : 16, his own lantern. See 38 : I, note. 

42 : 27, // was ordained. This passage ridicules the doctrine of 
foreordination or predestination. 

44 : 4, Lauralco. The ' ' valorous Lauralco, Lord of the Silver 



200 NOTES 

Bridge," is one of the knights seen by Don Quixote in his encounter 
with the sheep. See Part I, chap, xviii. 

44 : 17, an ancieyzt temple of Gothic structure. This refers to 
Stonehenge, a celebrated prehistoric ruin in Salisbury Plain. '^ Swift 
had, like most of his contemporaries, no interest whatever in the his- 
toric or antiquarian aspects of Stonehenge: he simply regarded it as 
typical of the chaos whence all things arose and to which the sec- 
taries would fain reduce us." — Craik. Gothic is used loosely to mean 
merely, belonging to a barbarous past. 

4i : 23, In winter he went always loose, etc. Morley notes that 
this is borrowed from Joseph Hall's Mundus Alter et Idejn (1605). 
In Lib. Ill, cap. ii, Hall describes the manners of Moronia, or Fool's 
Land. "In midwinter they go with their chests open, and the rest 
of the body lightly clothed, that the warmth may enter more rapidly, 
and the cold go out of them ; but in summer they put on thick over- 
coats and cloaks, and all the clothes they have, to shut out the heat." 

45 : 3, ^ strange kind of speech. Refers to the nasality of the dis- 
senting preachers, and of dissenters generally. '-'• The extreme puri- 
tan," Macaulay says, "was at once known from other men by his 
gait, his garb, his lank hair, the sour solemnity of his face, the up- 
turned white of his eyes, the nasal twang with which he spoke, and 
above all by his peculiar dialect. He employed, on every occasion, 
the imagery and style of Scripture." 

45 : 5, braying is called a Spanish accomplishment, probably be- 
cause mules and asses were particularly common in Spain. 

45 : 13, dog mad at the noise of 7?iusic. The puritans opposed music 
not only as one of the fine arts, but as an idolatrous form of worship 
in the churches. They hated painting (45 : 20) for the same reasons. 

45 : 15. The noisiest places are mentioned. Westminster Hall 
was the centre of the law courts. Billingsgate is still a fishmarket, 
and the noise and foul language of the fishwives make the word pro- 
verbial. A boarding school, in Swift's time as at present, usually 
meant a girls' school. In the Royal Exchange was a noisy market. 
See 37 : 7, and note. A state coffee-house was one where political 
discussions went on. 

45 : 24, over head and ears into the water. Refers to immersion. 

45 : 30, soporiferous medicine. "Fanatic preaching, composed 
either of hell and damnation, or a fulsome description of the joys of 
heaven. ' ' — Hawkesworth. 



NOTES 201 

46 t 3, artificial caustics = ascetic practices. 

46 : 5, t/ie famous board. No one seems able to explain this allu- 
sion. 

46 : 1 6, made shift to procure a bastings etc. Ridicules the efforts 
of the dissenters to make themselves appear martyrs to the public 
good. 

48 : I, medicines for the worms. Cf. 17 : 1 6. 

48 : 14, nothing but the white. See 45 : 3, note. Craik quotes 
Hudibras^ III, i, 479: 

*' While thus the lady talked, the knight 
Tum'd the outside of his eyes to white 
(As men of inward light are wont 
To turn their optics in upon't)." 

49 : 5, Desunt nonnulla. See 77 : 13, note. 

49 : 14. From Horace, Satires, ii, 3, 71. ''Yet even these bonds 
the accursed Proteus will escape." 

49 : 21, among the artes perditce. The holding of men by their 
ears — i.e.^ through their credulity and superstition — is no longer 
possible. 

49 : 26, tenure = holding. 

49 : 30, loppings and mutilations. Religious offenders often sat in 
the pillory and had their ears slit or cropped. 

50 : 5, The proportion of largeness, etc. The puritans cut their 
hair close, which made their ears stand out prominently. Hence 
they were called "prick-eared curs " by the cavaliers. Cf. Spectator^ 
No. 125. Swift probably means that in Cromwell's time ("while 
this island of ours was under the dominion of grace ") large ears were 
regarded among the puritans as ornamental and typical of grace. 

50 : 12, a cruel king. "This was King Charles the Second, who, 
at his restoration, turned out all the dissenting teachers that would 
not conform. ' '—Scott. 

50 : 30, the six senses. There is a note by Swift here, " Including 
Scaliger's." Craik identifies Swift's reference to Julius Caesar Sca- 
liger (cf. 84 : 8, and note). See Scaliger's chief philosophical work, 
Exercitationes de Subtilitate, ad H. Cardanum (286, 3), where the 
sextus sensus is spoken of. The sexual passion is referred to. 

51 : 17, oscitancy = yawning. 

51 : 28, Peter got a protection out of the King's Bench, etc. James 
IL, by his dispensing power, protected the papists from the penal 



202 J\rOT£S 

laws against them. The presbyterians, by the king's invitation, 
joined the papists against the Church of England, and addressed him 
for repeal of the penal laws. After the revolution the penal laws were 
renewed against the papists, but the presbyterians continued to enjoy 
protection. 

52 : 7, he got upon a great horse. *'Sir Humphrey Edwin, a dis- 
senter, when lord mayor of London in 1697, had the folly to go in 
his formalities to a conventicle, with the ensigns of his office." — 
Nichols. 

52 : "J^ custard was one of the dishes at the lord mayor's feast. 

52: 17. to the ceremonial part of an accomplished writer; that is, 
to the Conclusion, which follows this section. 

THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. 

The Preface of the Author. This is preceded in the first edition 
by two paragraphs entitled, ''The Bookseller to the Reader," which 
were probably not written by Swift. 

53 : I. Swift's idea of satire is worth noting. 

54 : 3, ci sort of cream. Cf. ''We skim off the cream of other 
men's wits, pick the choice flowers of their tilled gardens to set out 
our own sterile plots." — Burton, Anatomy of Melancholy (1893), 
vol. i, p. 20. 

54 : 9, Annual Records of Time. Swift is apparently referring to 
an ephemeris, or almanac, of the day which contained aphorisms of 
this kind, "War is the child of pride," etc. There is a note in the 
first edition: "Riches produceth Pride; Pride is War's Ground, &c. 
Vid. Ephem. de Mary Clarke; opt. Edit." — to which Hawkesworth 
adds, "Now called Wing's Sheet Almanack and printed for the com- 
pany of Stationers." Wing' s Almanack was current all through the 
eighteenth centurj-. See British Museum Catalogue. 

54 : 10-22. The relationship is obscure and cannot be explained 
satisfactorily. 

54 : 16, happens among men to fall out. Note the construction, 
hardly allowable at present, and not regular even in Swift's time. 
Sheridan (1785) notes this sentence, among others, as " ungrammat- 
ical." But to expressions like this and those mentioned in the follow- 
ing note — all irregular but all perfectly clear — Swift's style owes 
much of its individuality and idiomatic force. 



NOTES 203 

55 : 2, them does not refer naturally to its antecedent, dogs. Cf. 
loose use of each in 55 : 21. 

55 128, the first ground of disagreement ; i.e., lust and avarice 
arising from want on the part of the moderns. 

56 : 16, especially towards the east. Cf. 85 : 3. The east is per- 
haps thought of as the natural source of light. But under the alle- 
gory is probably a reference to the theory advanced by Sir William 
Temple that all learning came originally from the east. " Science 
and arts have run their circles, and had their periods in the several 
parts of the world; they are generally agreed to have held their course 
from east to west," etc. Works (London, 1770), vol. iii, p. 449. 

57 : 7, folly, etc. = folly if they did, and ignorance if they did not, 
know. 

57 : 20, allies = the moderns engaged on the side of the ancients. 
See 71 : 29. 

57 : 28, infinite numbers of these, etc. The which is left hanging 
and a new construction begun. Swift is constantly taking liberties of 
this kind. See 54 : 16, note. 

58 : 2, gall and copperas are used in making ink. 

58 : 10, revived of late, in the art of war. This may possibly refer 
to the ten years' war closing in 1697 in which neither England nor 
France could claim the advantage. By the Peace of Ryswick, 
made while Swift was writing the Battle of the Books ^ France and 
England mutually restored territory taken in the war. 

58 : 21, their representatives. A note in the first edition explains 
this as "their title pages." The title pages were used as posters. 

58 : 30, infor?jz =:to animate or give life to. Cf. ' ' forma informans, " 
Tale of a Tub, Sec. VIII, and, ''If one soul were so perfect as to 
inform three distinct bodies, that were a petty trinity." — Sir T. 
Browne, Religio Medici, i, 12. 

59 : I, so7?ie philosophers ajfirfji. Swift has in mind the experi- 
mental philosophers or ''virtuosos" whom he often satirizes. See 
75 : 15, 75 : 20, notes. Sir Thomas Browne and Sir Kenelm Digby 
were much occupied with experiments in natural philosophy, and 
among other things with restoring to their original forms plants 
which had been reduced to ashes. See Browne, Works (Bohn ed.), 
vol. ii, p. 396. "Schott, Kircher, Gaffarel, Borelli, Digby, and the 
whole of that admirable school, discovered in the ashes of plants 
their primitive forms, which were again raised up by the force of 



204 NOTES 

heat. Nothing, they say, perishes in nature; all is but a continua- 
tion, or a revival. The semina of resurrection are concealed in ex- 
tinct bodies, as in the blood of man; the ashes of roses will again 
revive into roses, though smaller and paler than if they had been 
planted; unsubstantial and unodoriferous, they are not roses which 
grow on rose-trees, but their delicate apparitions; and, like appa- 
ritions, they are seen but for a moment." The same theory ac- 
counts for human apparitions and flickering grave-lights. " Thus the 
dead naturally revive; and a corpse may give out its shadowy reani- 
mation, when not too deeply buried in the earth. Bodies corrupted 
in their graves have risen, particularly the murdered ; for murderers 
are apt to bury their victims in a slight and hasty manner. Their 
salts, exhaled in vapor by means of their fermentation, have arranged 
themselves on the surface of the earth, and form those phantoms, 
which at night have often terrified the passing spectator, as authentic 
history witnesses. " Disraeli, Curiosities of Literature (Boston, iSk,S), 
vol. iv, p. 187. When *^the body is corrupted" and ^^fermentation" 
is complete, this brutufn hoininis. or elementary essence of man, of 
course, ''vanishes and dissolves." For Swift's belief in regard to 
ghosts see Thoughts on Various Subjects, Scott's Works {1824), vol. 
ix, p. 226. 

59 : 14, with strong iron chains. To prevent their being misplaced 
or stolen, books were sometimes fastened with chains in churches and 
libraries. 

59 : 16, Scotus. Joannes Duns Scotus (1265 ?-i';o8 ?) one of the 
most famous of the schoolmen. He is supposed to have been pro- 
fessor of divinity at Oxford and to have removed in 1304 to Paris. 
See Dictionary of National Biography. Like the other schoolmen he 
regarded Aristotle as his '* master " and wrote works of commentary 
on Aristotle. 

59 : 20, to seize Plato, etc. This refers to the fundamental conflict 
between Aristotelianism and Platonism, and to the triumph of the 
former in the period of Duns Scotus, at which scholasticism reached 
its height. 

59 : 26, polemics = controversial arguments. 

60 : 15, on Friday last. Swift gives a definite time for the sake of 
vividness. 

60 : 24, the regal library = the royal library at St. James's, of which 
Bentley was made '' guardian " in 1694. 



NOTES 205 

60:25, humanity. This word was often applied sarcastically to 
Bentley by Boyle's party. Boyle, in the preface to his edition of the 
Letters of Phalaris (1695), had attacked Bentley for demanding the 
return of a manuscript which Boyle had borrowed from the king's 
library at St. James's. Boyle's words were: ^ ' Bibliotecarius pro 
singulari humanitate sua [with his somewhat peculiar ideas of cour- 
tesy] negavit." Boyle probably meant at first to charge Bentley 
merely with lack of courtesy, but Bentley's opponents soon began 
to give the word ''humanitate" a stronger rendering and charge 
him with lack of humanity. Cf. 68 : 13 ; 84 : 13. 

60 : 26, a fierce chauipion for the moderfts. It should be noted that 
Bentley was really a '' modern " only in a very limited sense. He 
first entered the controversy only to set Temple right on a point of 
classical learning; and, being the best classical scholar of his day, 
he was much better qualified to set up for a champion of the ancients 
than any of Boyle's party. 

60 : 28, two of the ancient chiefs = Phalaris and ^sop. Bentley, 
in his Dissertation appended to the second edition of Wotton's Re- 
flections (1697), had shown that the so-called Letters of Phalaris and 
Fables of ^F, sop were wrongly attributed to Phalaris and ^sop. The 
Dissertation is reprinted in Dyce's ed. of Bentley, vol. ii. 

61 : 7, Having thus failed in his design. This illustrates Swift's 
readiness in his satire to take an advantage unwarranted by facts. 
Bentley is represented as having failed owing to the weight of his 
pedantry when in fact he had triumphantly succeeded because of his 
superior learning. 

61 : 10, 17. Swift is probably echoing charges which were act- 
ually made against Bentley as librarian. 

^\\y:>, Descartes. Rene Descartes (1596-1650), the celebrated 
French philosopher, whose principal work is entitled Discours de la 
Methode (Leyden, 1637). This work, which marks the beginning of 
modern philosophy, overthrew the Aristotelian philosophy which had 
flourished during the middle ages. Hence the mistake in clapping 
" Descartes next to Aristotle." 

62 : I, Hobbes. Thomas Hobbes of Malmesbury (1588-1679), the 
famous English philosopher, to whom Swift is fond of referring. Cf. 
70 : 30, and note on p. 188. His best known work is the Leviathan 
(165 1). He was a rationalist and niateriaU§t and therefore not a lit 
companion for Plato. 



206 NOTES 

The Seven Wise Masters was the popular name for a collection of 
moral tales, resembling the Thousand and One Nights but of ancient 
Indian origin ; called in the West the Book of the Seven Sages and in 
the East the Book of Sindibdd, The earliest mention of the latter is 
in Arabian writers of the tenth century, but it is probably much more 
ancient. Swift seems to make a mistake, therefore, in including the 
^' Seven Wise Masters" among the moderns. See Comparetti, Re- 
searches respecting the Book of Sindibdd^ Publications of the Folk- 
I^ore Society, IX. 

62 : 3, Wither. "Withers" is the spelling in the first edition, fol- 
lowed in all the others. The same spelling is used by Swift in 
70 : 27; by Dry den. Essay of Dramatic Poesy; by Butler, Htidibras, 
I, i, 646; by Pope, Dtinciad, i, 296. The name, like many others, 
was spelled indifferently with or without the s. See Beljame, La 
prononciation du nom de yean Law, p. 16. George Wither (1588 
1667) was generally underestimated in Swift's time, partly because 
of his puritanism. In coupling him with Dry den (cf. 70 : 27) Swift 
intends a fling at the latter, who had shortly before blasted Swift's 
own poetical hopes with his famous, '^Cousin Swift, you will never 
be a poet." Wither came into popularity again at the beginning of 
the present century. See, for example. Lamb's essay, *<0n the 
Poetical Works of George Wither." 

62 : 12, light horse, etc. See notes on 70 : 25 and 71 : 12. 

62 : 16, trading among the ancients. By copying ancient writers. 

62 : 30, the moderns zvere much the more ancient of the two. Fol- 
lowed in the first edition by a note, "According to the modern 
paradox." Cf. Bacon, Advance7nent of Learning, Bk. I. "And to 
speak truly, Antiquitas scbcuH juventus viundi. These times are the 
ancient times, when the world is ancient, and not those which we 
account ancient ordine retrogrado, by a computation backward from 
ourselves." Spedding, in a note on the same passage in the De 
'Augmentis (Bacon's Works, Boston, 1863, vol. ii, p. 136) shows that 
Bacon was not the first to advance the "paradox " and even, that the 
paradox is not "modern." Swift probably got the idea from Hobbes 
since the following passage, which precedes the Battle of the Books 
in Nichols's edition, William Pate is said (Nichols's ed., New York, 
1812, vol. iii, pp. 2, 200) to have had "from the Dean's own mouth." 
"Though I reverence those men of ancient time, that either have 
written truth perspicuously or set us in any better wa^ to find it Qut 



NOTES 207 

ourselves ; yet to the antiquity itself I think nothing due. For if we 
will reverence the age, the present is the oldest." Leviathan^ 
(Molesworth's ed., vol. iii, p. 712). 

63:19, those advocates, who had begun the quarrel. The quarrel 
began in France with Perrault and Fontenelle. It was introduced 
into England by Temple. See 78 : 25, note. 

64 : 29, Beelzebub. From a mistaken derivation Beelzebub was 
supposed to be the fly-god of the Philistines ; primarily the protector 
of flies, as here ; when propitiated the averter of flies, similar to the 
Zeu5 dnojiivio'^,. 

65 : 18, Good words, friend, etc. The suavity and moderation of 
the bee who represents the ancients is contrasted with the virulence 
of the spider who is a modern. 

66 : 16, drone-pipe. The bass pipe of a bagpipe which emits one 
continuous bass note. 

66 : 22. Sir William Temple in his Essay upon Ancient and Mod- 
ern Learning had urged the superiority of the ancients in architec- 
ture, mathematics, and fortification. William Wotton in his Reflec- 
tions had tried to show the superiority of the moderns in mathematics. 
As in other places, Swift is supporting his patron. Temple. Cf. 64 : 9 ; 
67 : 14; 69 : 13. 

66 : 30. The closeness and clearness with which in this paragraph 
the fable applies to the real controversy should be noticed. The bee 
states the case for the ancients eloquently. 

67 : 24-29. These lines, given as in the first edition, do not make 
sense as they stand. Scott, by omitting the second which, probably 
gives Swift's meaning. 

68 : 13, regent's humanity. Cf. 60 : 25, note. 

68 : 13, had tore off the title-page, etc. See 60 : 28, note. 

70 : II, sweetness and light. The original of the expression used 
so effectively by Matthew Arnold. See Ctdture and Anarchy, 
chap. i. 

70 : 25, the horse. In the following enumeration the horse are the 
epic poets; the light horse are the poets of other kinds ; the bowmen 
are the philosophers ; the dragoons are the medical writers ; the 
heavy-armed foot are the historians; the engineers are the mathe- 
maticians. 

70 : 26, Tasso. Torquato Tasso (1544-1595), whose principal 
work w^l-s the epic Gerusalemme Liberata, T^§so seems to hav^ been 



2o8 NOTES 

the first of the moderns to attempt a heroic poem following the great 
classical models. 

70 : 27, Dryden and Wither, See 62 : 3, note. 

70 : 28, Cowley. See 81 : 11, note. 

70 : 28, Despreaux. Nicolas Boileaii-Despreaux (1636-1711). 
Perrault in his ParalVeles des anciens et des modernes had, among 
other names, mentioned Boileau as superior to Horace. Boileau 
himself had been the first to disavow this claim made on his behalf 
and to , oppose the contentions made for the moderns, replying to 
Perrault in his Reflexions critiques sur Longin (1693). See 147 : 5, 
note. Boileau, therefore, had every right to a place among the 
^< allies" of the ancients. This Swift knew very well but he was 
probably more anxious to reenforce Temple than to be fair or accu- 
rate in his satire. Boileau is one of those mentioned by Temple in 
his Essay upon Ancient and Modern Learning to show the inferiority 
of the moderns. Several others in this paragraph {^e.g, Harvey, 
Davila, Wilkins) were probably suggested to Swift by Temple's 
Essay. 

70 : 29, Descartes^ Gassendi, and Hobbes were among the foremost 
names in philosophy in Swift's day. See notes on 61 : 30 and 62 : I. 
Pierre Gassendi (1592-1655), a French writer on physical science and 
metaphysics, was almost exactly contemporaneous with Descartes 
and, like Descartes, opposed the Aristotelian philosophy. His repu- 
tation seems to have lost more since Swift's time than that of either 
of the others. 

71 : 2, like that of Evander. Swift probably means, and should 
have written, Acestes, the flight of whose shaft is described in 
jEneid^ v, 525 ff. 

71 : 3, Paracelsus^ a Swiss (1493-1541), is made leader of the 
chemists (''stink-pot flingers"). Rhaetia was the name of a Roman 
province corresponding to the Tyrol. 

71 : 6, Harvey^ their great aga. William Harvey (1578-1657) dis- 
covered the circulation of the blood. Temple's Essay ^ however, had 
doubted the modernness of this discovery. Aga^ a Turkish word =r 
commander or chief officer. 

71 : 10, white powder. The experimental philosophers apparently 
tried their hands at noiseless gunpowder. "Of white powder, and 
such as is discharged without report there is no small noise in the 
world," etc. — Sir Thomas Browne, Pseudodoxia Epidemica^ Bk. H, 



NOTES 209 

chap. V. § 5. Here of course there is a punning reference to the 
deadly powders of physicians. 

71 : 12, mercenaries. What Swift means by this word, used also 
in 62 : 12 and 80 : 14, is not entirely clear. Perhaps here he means 
that, like mercenaries, these historical writers have little interest in 
the conflict and will do little to decide it either way. 

71 : 13, Guicciardini^ etc. Guicciardini (1482- 15 40) was an Italian 
historian whose chief work, Storia d' Italia^ was published in 15 61- 
64. Davila (1576-163 1), another Italian historian, wrote Storia delle 
guerre civili di Francia (1630). He is compared in Temple's Essay 
with Herodotus and Livy. Polydore Virgil (1470 ?-i555) was born in 
Italy, but in 1501 was sent by the Pope to England, where he held 
several important positions in the church. His Historia Anglica ap- 
peared in 1534. Buchanan (1506-1582), one of the most famous of 
Scotch scholars, was made preceptor of James VI. (James I. of England) 
in 1570, and to him James owed his scholarly tendencies. He wrote 
two works on the history of Scotland. Mariana (15 36-1623), a 
Spaniard, wrote a history of Spain, published 1592-1605. William 
Camden (1551-1623) is best known for his Britannia^ a historical and 
antiquarian survey of the British Isles, originally written in Latin 
(1586) but often translated. The first translation (1610) by Holland 
is supposed to have been made with Camden's approval and help. 

71 : 15, Regiomontanus, Johann Miiller (1436-1476), a German 
astronomer and mathematician, is commonly referred to under this 
Latin name, derived from Konigsberg, his birthplace. 

71 : 16, Wilkins. John Wilkins (1614-1672), Bishop of Chester, 
was one of the founders of the Royal Society (see 75 : 15, note) and 
represents well both the. merits and the eccentricities of the science of 
the ''moderns," the value of which was so much in controversy. 
His Discourse concerning a new Planet : tending to prove it is probable 
our earth is one of the Planets^ was a valuable argument in favor of 
the Copernican system and did much to spread a belief in the new 
system in England. Another LHscourse^ aiming to show the possibil- 
ity of a passage to the moon, is clearly marked by the unsoundness 
and extravagance characteristic of seventeenth century science. 

71 : 17, Scotus, Aquinas y and Bellarmine. For Scotus see 59: 16, 
note. Thomas Aquinas (1225 or 1 227-1274), an Italian, was also a 
scholastic philosopher. Bellarmine (1542-1621) was a noted Italian 
cardinal, and a Jesuit writer on theology and philosophy. The three 



210 NOTES 

names are apparently chosen by Swift as representative of the eccle- 
siastical and scholastic philosophy, just as Descartes, Gassendi, and 
Hobbes (70 : 29) represent the newer philosophy of the seventeenth 
century. 

71 : 20, calones = soldiers* servants. Here they are the pam- 
phleteers. 

71:21, L Estrange. Sir Roger L'Estrange (1616-1704), a jour- 
nalist and pamphleteer, served Charles I. in his wars with Parliament 
and wrote innumerable pamphlets in the royalist cause. As a 
tory he is naturally selected by Swift for ridicule. Dr. Johnson 
{^Literary Magazine^ 175^, p. 197) speaks of him as the first writer 
who wrote regularly in the service of a party for pay, just as 
Swift accuses him of following ''the camp for nothing but the 
plunder.*' 

71 : 28, Hippocrates^ the famous Greek physician (of the fifth cen- 
tury B.C.) is mentioned often in Temple*s Essay, 

71:29, Vosshis. Gerard Voss (1577-1 649) was a Dutch classical 
scholar, a professor at Dort, Leyden and Amsterdam. He wrote a 
large number of works on classical subjects, and hence is ranged with 
Temple among the allies. 

72 : 12, MomuSy a Greek god, according to Hesiod ( Theogony^ 1. 
214) the son of Night, personifying mockery and censure. In Lu- 
cian {Her^notimus y 20) Momus blames Vulcan for not leaving in the 
breast of the man whom he had made openings through which his 
innermost thoughts might be seen. Momus is a fit spokesman for 
the moderns, because he is child of darkness and natural opponent 
of Pallas Athena, goddess of wisdom and light. 

72 :3i, by a light chain^ etc. Homer i^Iliad^ viii, 19) fastens the 
gods and the earth to Jupiter by a chain. Cf. also Paradise Lost^ 
ii, 1004. 

73 : 18, Nova Zemhla. Swift probably thought of Nova Zembla 
merely as a place of polar cold and darkness, removed as far as 
the map would allow from the brightness and warmth of Greece. 

73:21, Ignorance. Cf. the relationship given to the True Critic 
in the Tale of a Tub^ Section III. 

73 : 28, The goddess herself had claws like a cat^ etc. This pas- 
sage recalls some of the terrible descriptions in Gulliver's Travels. 
But this kind of writing is much more rare in the early than in the 
later prose of Swift. 



NOTES 211 

74: 19 ff. Cf. the '* Digression concerning Critics," Tale of a Tub^ 
Section III. 

75: 15, Gresham and Covent Garden. At Gresham College were 
held the meetings of the Royal Society, organized in 1660 for the 
advancement of experimental philosophy. Here again Swift fol- 
lows Temple. Temple's second Essay upon Ancient and Modern 
Learnings which Swift afterwards edited (1701), says: *'The next 
to set up for the excellency of the new learning above the old were 
some of Gresham College, after the institution of that society by King 
Charles II. These began early to debate and pursue this pretence." 
Will's Coffee-house in Russell Street, Covent Garden, was in Swift's 
time a favorite resort of wits and poets, among others of Dryden. 
i ' Swift is fond of ridiculing both the scientists and the wits. In the 
Tale of a Tub^ Sections I and X, Gresham and Will's are coupled 
again. Cf. also 3:8, and "59:1, notes. See Ashton, Social Life in 
the Reign of Queen Anne^ chaps. 18 and 28, for an account of the 
Coffee-houses and the Royal Society. 

75 : 20, virtuosos = experimental philosophers. The word is com- 
mon in the sense of one skilled in curiosities of art or antiquity. In 
Swift's time it was used also to mean one skilled in natural curiosities 

•and in natural science generally. Cf. Addison, Spectator, No. 275 : 
**I was yesterday engaged in an assembly of virtuosos, where one of 
them produced many curious observations which he had lately made 

' in the anatomy of the human body." Also Tatler, No. 216. 

76 : 30. One who reads the Battle of the Books aloud will notice 
that much of the remainder of the piece is metrical and that parts of 
it fall almost regularly into blank verse. See K. Feyerabend, Beispiel 
einer Satura Menippea bei Swift, in Englische Studien, xi, 487-491. 

77 : 8, Galen (born about 130 A.D.), the celebrated Greek physician, 
was the most authoritative medical writer among the ancients. 

77 : 13, Hie pauca desunt. The many gaps in the text following 
^are probably merely humorous imitations of the gaps found in clas- 
sical manuscripts. It has been suggested that Swift did not feel com 
petent to discuss the medical writers (to whom the supposed omitted 
matter here would refer) ; but he would hardly have hesitated to put 
them into his satire from a fear of being unfair or inaccurate. See 
notes on 60:26 and 70:28. The "wounded aga '' is probably 
Harvey. 

77 : 22, which missed the valiant modern, etc. This is perhaps 



212 NOTES \ 

Swift's way of showing his respect for Bacon. Scott says: "The Ij 
author, in naming Bacon, does a piece of justice to modern philos- I 
ophy which Temple had omitted. ' I know of no new philosophers j 
that have made entries on that noble stage for fifteen hundred years 
past unless Descartes and Hobbes should pretend to it ; of whom I 
shall make no critique here, but only say, that, by what appears of i 
learned men's opinions in this age, they have by no means eclipsed i 
the lustre of Plato, Aristotle, Epicurus, or others of the ancients.' — 
Essay on Ancient and Modern Learning. — Neither Swift nor Temple 
mentions the discoveries of Newton, though the Principia were pub- 
lished in 1657." Swift mentions Bacon in other writings— always; 
with respect. . 

77 : 25, it pierced the leather and the pasteboard. Descartes is re- 
garded merely as a book. The Bookseljer's Preface to the Battle of 
the Books warns the reader ^ ' to beware of applying to persons what, 
is here meant only of books, in the most literal sense." ' 

77 : 29, his own vortex, Descartes attempted to account for the 
formation of the universe by a theory of vortices, which were masses 
of subtile particles revolving rapidly about an axis. Cf. Tale of a^ 
Tub, Sec. IX: "Cartesius reckoned to see, before he died, the senti-' 
ments of all philosophers, like so many lesser stars in his romantic; 
system, rapt and drawn within his own vortex." i 

77 : 30. The first part of the description of the battle of the horse 
is supposed to be omitted. { 

78 : 7, Gondibert is an unfinished poem (of two books and a half 
by Sir William D'Avenant (1606-1668), written about 1650. Most 
of D'Avenant's work was dramatic and Go7idibert was to have hacl 
the plan of a play, '< proportioning five books to five acts, and canton I 
to scenes." In describing Gondibert as '^mounted on a staid, sobei 
gelding " Swift probably has in mind the meter, the choice of whicl, 
D'Avenant explains in a Preface, addressed to Thomas Hobbes. "'1 
believed it would be more pleasant to the reader in a work of length' 
to give respite or pause between every stanza . . . than to run hinj 
out of breath with continued couplets. Nor doth alternate rime bi 
any lowliness of cadence make the sound less heroic, but rather adapl 
it to a plain and stately composing of music." Another reason for thr' 
meter and the division into cantos is the hope that "it might (lik<^ 
the works of Homer ere they were joined together and made a voll 
ume by the Athenian kings) be sung at village feasts," The Prefacl 



NOTES 213 

Degins with a criticism of Homer and other epic poets, — whose faults 
D'Avenant hopes to avoid. 

78 : 12, till he had spoiled. There is a note here in the first edi- 
;ion, <'Vid. Homer." 

78 : 17, Denham. Sir John Denham (1615-1669) is best known by 
lis Cooper's Hill, a poem descriptive of natural scenery and one of 
:he earliest poems of a purely descriptive kind. It was imitated by 
Pope in Windsor Forest. The famous apostrophe to the Thames in 
Cooper' s Hill, 

** O could I flow like thee, and make thy stream 
My great example, as it is my theme ! 
Though deep, yet clear, though gentle, yet not dull, 
Strong without rage, without o'erflowing full," 

bmid so many imitators that Swift writes in Apollo's Edict : 

" Nor let my votaries show their skill 
In aping lines from Cooper's Hill ; 
For know I cannot bear to hear 
The mimicry of * deep yet clear.' " 

78 : 23, Wesley. Samuel Wesley (1662- 1735), a mediocre poet, 
)est known as the father of John and Charles Wesley, the founders of 
\Iethodism. 

78 : 24, Perrault. Charles Perrault (1628-1703) is remembered as 
he collector of a book of fairy-tales, Les Contes de ma mere Foye, 
vhich includes such stories as ^'Cinderella*' and <' Little Red Riding 
nEood." He was the leading figure in the quarrel between the 
mcients and moderns in France. In 1687 he read before the Aca- 
l^mie a poem, Le Siecle de Louis le Grand, which was the first num- 
)er in the controversy. In 1688- 1697 he published four volumes of 
Paralleles des anciens et des modernes. He is noticed by Temple in 
lis second Essay and by Wotton in his Re/lections, and is altogether 
00 important to be passed over by Swift. 

78 : 25, Fontenelle, Bernard le Bovier de Fontenelle (1657-1757), 
mother supporter of the moderns in France, published (1688) his 
Digression sur les anciens et les modernes. A work of Fontenelle — 
apparently this Digression — first attracted Temple's attention to the 
rontroversy and led to its introduction into England. See Temple, 

Works (1770), vol. iii, p. 431. 

79 : 18, the lady in a lobster — ''the triturating apparatus in the 
itomach of a lobster; — so called from a fancied resemblance to a 
eated female figure." — Webster's Dictionary. 



214 NOTES 

79 : 22, Dry den, in a long harangue, etc. Swift refers to the long 
Dedication of Dryden's Mneid. See, for a passage which Swift may 
have had particularly in mind, in which Dryden <' soothed up the 
good ancient; called him father," etc., Scott and Saintsbury's Works, 
vol. xiv, p. 214. This reference helps to fix the date of the compo- 
sition of the Battle of the Books. 

79 : 29, his was of gold and cost a hundred beeves. There is a note 
here in the first edition, ^' Vid. Homer." The reference is to Iliad, 
vi, 234. 

80 : 13, Blackmore, Sir Richard Blackmore (d. 1729), a physician 
and a writer of much worthless verse and prose, is treated mildly by 
Swift, perhaps because he was a good whig. Dryden's attacks on 
Blackmore in the preface to the Fables and the prologue to the Pil- 
grim (1700) may also have come in time to influence Swift. Later, 
after Swift became a tory, he showed Blackmore little mercy. See 
Works (Scott's 1824 ed.), vol. xii, p. 140. 

80 : 17, ^sculapius, the god of medicine, because Blackmore was 
a physician. 

80 : 29, Creech. Thomas Creech (1659-1700) was a translator 
from the classics. Of his translations the best known was that of 
Lucretius, which was often reprinted in the eighteenth century. It 
was commended by Dryden. Swift refers here to his translation of 
Horace which was dedicated to Dryden. i 

81 : 4, Ogilby. John Ogilby (1600-1676) was another voluminous 
translator of the generation preceding Creech's — and so called 
Creech's "father." His translation of Virgil was published in 1649 ; 
his Iliad \\\ 1660 ; his Odyssey in 1665. According to Spence's 
Anecdotes Pope first read Homer in Ogilby 's translation. " Ogilby 's 
Virgil" is the first book in the lady's library of Spectator No. 37. 

81 : 6, Oldham. John Oldham (165 3- 1683) wrote numerous Pin- 
daric odes. See 81 : 11, note. 

81:7, ^f'^o, the Amazon. Afra Behn (1640-1689) is best known 
for her novels and plays, but she is mentioned here with the light 
horse because she was also the author of verse, some of it in the 
Pindaric style. 

81 : II, Cowley, Abraham Cowdey (1618-1667) published, 1656, 
*' Pindariquc Odes written in imitation of the stile and manner of 
the Odes of Pindar." These odes were mistaken in conception, for 
<'the numbers are various and irregular" and lawlessness of meter ; 



NOTES 215 

is not a characteristic of Pindar ; but among Cowley's followers 
imitation of Pindar became popular, and Dr. Johnson says, ** all the 
boys and girls caught the pleasing fancy and they who could do 
nothing else could write like Pindar." Swift's first poetry, which 
included an Ode in honor of Sir William Temple, was in the Pindaric 
style. In saying that Cowley avoided death by opposing *' the shield 
that had been given him by Venus" Swift perhaps refers to the 
Mistress^ a collection of about a hundred love poems, published by 
Cowley in 1647. But in this case Swift is at variance with later 
critics, who, from Dryden down, have preferred the Pindarics to the 
love poems. Dr. Johnson's Life, which contains the well-known 
pages on the " metaphysical poets," is the best criticism of Cowley. 

82 : 22. This paragraph in the first edition has a marginal note, 
'*The Episode of Bentley and Wotton." The episode includes the 
rest of the book. 

82:31, Etesian wind. The Etesian winds blow in the Mediter- 
ranean region from the Northwest for about forty days in summer. 

83 : 4, copperas^ etc. See 58 : 2, note. 

84 : I, presimiptuons dogs, etc. This in the first edition has a note, 
<* Vid. Homer, de Thersite." See Iliads ii, 212. 

84:8, Scaliger, Joseph Scaliger (1540-1609) was attacked in 
Boyle's reply to Bentley's first Dissertation (p. 225). Bentley in his 
second Dissertation spoke of this attack as unbecoming and defended 
Scaliger (JVor^s, Dyce's ed., vol. i, p. Ixiv). It is therefore prob- 
able that Swift here refers to Joseph Scaliger rather than to his 
father, Julius Caesar Scaliger, who is equally well known. Both 
figure in the Ta/e of a Tub, See 50 : 30, note. 

85 : I, Aldrovandus's tomb. The work of Aldrovandi (1522-1607), 
the Bolognese naturalist, was recorded in thirteen large, elaborately 
illustrated volumes. Swift goes back to the idea that libraries are 
cemeteries (69 :i) and represents the spot where these thirteen 
volumes rested as Aldrovandus's tomb. Aldrovandi is mentioned in 
Wotton' s Reflections. 

85 : 30, Phalaris and yEsop, See note on 60 : 28. 

86 : 9, got him roaring in his bull. The tyrant Phalaris, the sup- 
posed author of the Letters^ is said to have constructed a brazen bull 
in which his victims were shut up, and, by means of a fire kindled 
underneath, roasted alive This story figured in the Bentley-Boyle 
controversy. Bentley's Dissertation says : ** At the end of his book 



2l6 NOTES 

lie [Boyle] has got me into Phalaris's Bull, and he has the pleasure j 
of fancying he hears me begin to bellow (p. 290). Well; since it's 
certain then that I am in the Bull, I have performed the part of the 1 
sufferer. For as the cries of the tormented in old Phalaris's Bull, [ 
being conveyed through pipes lodged in the machine, were turned ^ 
into music for the entertainment ot the tyrant; so the complaints 
which my torments express from me, being conveyed to Mr. B. by 
this answer, are all dedicated to his pleasure and diversion. And 
yet, methinks, when he was setting up to be Phalaris Junior, the very 
omen of it might have deterred him. For, as the old tyrant himself 
at last bellowed in his own bull; so his imitators ought to consider, 
that at long run their own actions may chance to overtake them." 
Works, Dyce's ed., vol. i, p. xxvi. 

88 : 7, put on the shape of . Refers perhaps to Francis Atter- 

bury, who wrote most of Boyle's reply to Bentley, but whose name 
was suppressed. 

88 : 12, given him by all the gods. Boyle had the assistance, not 
only of Atterbury, but of several other friends at Christ Church, Ox- 
ford. 

89 : I, ivith his own hands new polished and gilded. Refers to 
Boyle's edition of the Letters of Phalaris (1695). 



ARGUMENT AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY. 

91 : 5, forbidden upon several penalties. Some measure like this 
may actually have been passed by the English Parliament which 
used every means to promote the Union. But Swift is probably ex- 
aggerating and writing ironically. He hated the Scotch and, though 
the Union was a whig measure, was strongly opposed to it. See his 
verses On the Unio7t, Scott's 1824 ed., vol. xiv, p. 72. 

91 : II, majority of opinion the voice of God. The proverbial ex- 
pression of course is, vox populi vox Dei. Swift is still ironical. 

91 : 16. We should probably say : '< as we cannot but allow they 
are from their actions," etc. 

93 : I, opinions like fashions, etc. The interjection of pithy sen- 
tences of this kind is characteristic of Swift. 

93 : 5, mistaken = misapprehended. 

93 : 9. We should say, '< so weak as to stand up." 



NOTES 217 

93 : 21, proposal of Horace. " In the 1 6th Epode Horace puts into 
poetical form the aspiration in which Sertorius, according to Plutarch, 
actually indulged, to sail to the Blessed Isles in order to escape from 
tyranny and endless wars." — Craik. 

94 : 10, / shall briefly consider^ etc. For ironical effect Swift lays 
out his ground in formally argumentative style. 

95 : 2, broke z= cashiered; deprived of their commissions. Cf. 
95 : 22. 

95 : 14, deorum offensa diis curcB. Swift has in mind Tacitus, 
Annals^ Book I, chap. 73 : Deorum injurias diis curce; '^ Wrongs done 
to the gods are the gods' concern." This was an old maxim of the 
Roman law, under which offenses against the gods, like perjury, were 
not punished. 

95 : 27, the allies refers to Holland, Prussia, and other allies of 
England in the War of the Spanish Succession. 

96: 18, Asgill, John Asgill (1659-1738), a rather eccentric and 
unscrupulous person, who, for his Argument to prove that death is 
fwt obligatory on Christians (1700), was expelled from the Irish 
Parliament, and later (17 12) from the English Parliament. The 
burning of this book by order of the House of Commons in 1707 
was perhaps what called Swift's attention to him. See Craik's note 
and interesting references in the Dictionary of National Biography. 

Tindal. Matthew Tindal (1656-1733) styled himself a '' Christian 
deist." He wrote various pamphlets against the high church party, 
and in 1706 a book, The Rights of the Christian Church asserted 
against the Romish and all other Priests who claim an Independent 
Power over it, etc., which called out many replies from high church- 
men. Swift wrote Remarks on it in 1 708, which for some reason 
remained unpublished. This book was burnt by order of the 
House of Commons, curiously enough with Sacheyerell's sermon, 
March 25, 17 10. 

Poland. John Toland (1670-1722), another deist, who aroused 
much controversy by publishing (1696) his Christianity not Mys- 
terious, beginning ''the warfare between deists and the orthodox 
which occupied the next generation." This book, too, was burnt 
and the author prosecuted. 

Coward. William Coward (1657? -1725) published a number 
'of works to show that there is no such thing as a separate soul, the 
first and most important being Second Thoughts concerning Human 



2l8 NOTES 

Soul, etc. These books were ordered to be burnt by the House of 
Commons, 1704. 

96 : 28, Ef?ipson and Dudley. Sir Richard Empson and Edmund 
Dudley were employed by Henry VH. in collecting taxes and feudal 
dues, and became objects of general hatred for their extortions. 
Such an outcry was raised against them at the accession of Henry 
VIII. that he was forced to commit them to the Tower. They were 
attainted and beheaded, 15 10. 

98 : 3. regulations of Henry the Eight h, which deprived the Church 
of its revenues. 

98 : 17, a hard word. Ironical of course. The reader expects 
something less harmless than cavil. 

98 : 26, ga?ne at home. At the coffee-houses card-playing and 
dicing were prohibited and no wager might be made exceeding five 
shillings. The chocolate-houses, on the other hand, were virtually 
gambling-houses, and perhaps for that reason were closed on 
Sunday. See Ashton, Social Life in the Reign of Queen Anne, chap, 
xviii. 

100 : 5, hey dukes (spelled variously in English — from the Hungarian 
hajduk) were mercenary Magyar foot-soldiers who served in Hungary 
and were given hereditary privileges for their gallantry. The 
Mamalukes were a corps of Turkish cavalry who in the thirteenth 
century became masters of Egypt. Mandarins = Chinese officials 
of any one of the nine recognized grades. Patshaws (commonly 
spelled /flj-^d! J ) are the higher officials in Turkey. 

100 : 12, the Monu7nent was a column designed by Wren, and 
erected in 1671-77, near London Bridge, to commemorate the great 
fire of 1666. An inscription on it attributes the fire to the papists, 
and the Monument was therefore a source of contention. Pope's only 
expression on religious matters is, according to Dr. Johnson, his 
reference to this inscription in the Epistle to Lord Bathurst, 11. 
339-340: 

" Where London's column, pointing at the skies, 
Like a tall bully, lifts the head, and lies." 

100 : 16, Margarita. Italian opera became popular in London at 
the beginning of the eighteenth century. The Daily Courant for 
Jan. 16, 1705, announces a performance at the Theatre Royal, 1 
Drury Lane, of **Arsinoe '*— apparently the first opera given in 
England. The singers were all English, but *<the famous Signiora 



NOTES 219 

Francisca Margaretta de I'Epine will, before the beginning and after 
the ending of the opera, perform several entertainments of singing 
in Italian and English." Margarita is said to have been the first 
Italian opera-singer in England. See you7'nal to Stella^ August 6, 
1711. 

Mrs. Tofts was an English singer, who divided the honors with 
Margarita, but lost her reason in 1709 and was compelled to leave 
the stage. 

Valentini. Valentini Urbani, an Italian singer, who came to Eng- 
land in 1707. The Daily Courant for Dec. 6, 1707, announces a 
performance of *' Camilla," in which all three of these singers 
appeared. Swift, who was in England at the time, may have been 
present on this occasion and got from it the suggestion for this 
passage. See Ashton, Social Life in the Reign of Queen Anne^ 
chap. xxvi. 

100 : 19, Prasini and Veniti, names of factions which grew out of 
the Roman games. ^' The factiones were companies or organizations 
of contractors who provided horses, drivers and all other requisites 
for the games. ... At first there were only two factiones, distin- 
guished by the colors red and white, russata and albata ; next blue 
(ve7ieta) was added in the time of Augustus ; and a fourth, green 
{^prasina\ came in soon after. . . . The rivalry between the different 
colors of the factions and the heavy betting on the races often led 
to scenes of riot and bloodshed." Harper's Dictionary of Classical 
Literature and Antiquities, p, 356. Later these rivalries became 
political and were extremely fierce. ''A secret attachment to the 
family or sect of Anastasius was imputed to the greens ; the blues were 
zealously devoted to the cause of orthodoxy and Justinian. *' See 
Gibbon, Decline and Fall, chap. xl. 

101 : 26, prejudices of education. According to Craik a favorite 
topic with the deists and atheists of the time, who argued that relig- 
ious conservatism was due to prejudices arising from education. 
Among these, Swift ironically urges, and hardly to be eradicated by 
right reason or freethinking, are those grievous prejudices, virtue, 
conscience, etc. Cf. 96 : 9. 

102 ; 18, string = fibre. 

104: 1, a starched, squeezed countenance, etc. These paragraphs 
against the dissenters recall Section VI of the Tale of a Tub. 

105: II, choqued. Formed by Swift, from French r/^^^w^r. Dryden 



220 NOTES 

has chocqu'd in A Defence of an Essay of Dramatic Poesy (tenth 
paragraph from the end). In the seventeenth century, when good 
use in words was much more undetermined than it is at present, 
words were taken from the French almost at will. 

105 : II, daggle d-t ail ^ equivalent to the more common draggle-tailed, 
106 : 22, if Christianity were once abolished. Dr. Johnson, in his 

Life of Swifts notes this passage as deserving selection and quotes the 
rest of the paragraph. 

106: 15, Nor do I think it wholly groundless. There is a change 
in the tenor of the irony here, — a common thing in Swift's satirical 
writing. ''The natural drift of the satire, and the line followed in 
regard to the other topics, would suggest that Swift put forward the 
danger to the church as something which he himself considered only 
matter for ridicule, though it might be considered seriously by his 
opponents. This, of course, cannot possibly be his meaning: and the 
irony therefore consists in his putting forward timidly and only as 
something not absolutely inconceivable, the tenet that the interests 
of the church and of religion were absolutely identical." — Craik. 

106 : 18, put the senate to the trouble of another securing vote ^ 
i.e.y compel Parliament to pass new measures for the protection of the i 
Church. -^ I 

107:25, The Rights of the Christian Church. Tindal's book. See 
96: 18, note. 

108:11,//. The ambiguous use of this pronoun here, and in 
108: 21, leads to obscurity — an unusual thing in Swift. 

108:30, sorites = ''a chain-syllogism, or argument having a num» 
ber of premises and one conclusion, the argumentation being capable 
of analysis into a number of syllogisms, the conclusion of each of which 
is the premise of the next." — Century Dictionary, Originally the 
sorites was a sophistical chain of reasoning leading to a false conclu- 
sion, and something of this meaning may be included here. 

109 : 4, points of hard digestion = points which are hard to 
believe or accept. 

109 : 14, our allies. See 95 : 27, note. 

109:31, Bank and East India. The Bank of England, incor- 
porated 1694, and the East India Company, incorporated 1599. 



NOTES 221 



THE FOURTH DRAPIP:R'S LETTER. 

Drapiers, Swift writes in the character of a Dublin draper. For 
some reason he uses the French word, drapier. 

Ill : 2, three letters^ etc. See Introduction, Section VI. 

111 : lo, the Report. The resistance to Wood's coinage induced 
the English government to open an inquiry in regard to it which 
began in April, 1724, before a Committee of the Privy Council. 
The report of this Committee, dated July 24, 1724, is given in 
Scott's Swift (1824), vol. vi, p. 389. "It must be admitted," the 
report says, "that letters-patent under the great seal of Great 
Britain, for coining copper money in Ireland are legal and obliga- 
tory^''* etc. 

112 : 14, Houses of Parliament, This is the Irish Parliament. 
The bodies here mentioned had petitioned for a withdrawal of the 
coinage. 

112 : 27. The Lord-lieutenant was at this time Carteret, appointed 
April 5, 1724. He came over "to settle his halfpence" in October. 

114 : I, i« her reign^ that pernicious counsel^ etc. This is referred 
to in the First Drapier s Letter, ' ' Nor is there any example to|]the con- 
trary, except one in Davis's Reports, who tells us, * that in the time 
of Tyrone's rebellion. Queen Elizabeth ordered money of mixed metal 
to be coined in the Tower of London and sent over hither in payment 
of the army, obliging all people to receive it.* " 

114 : 9, as far as a trades f?ian can be thought capable of explaining 
it. Swift makes some effort to write in the character of a Dublin 
draper. Cf. 119 : 9. 

114 ; II, the opinion of the great Lord Bacon, The quotation is 
apparently not to be found in Bacon's works. 

115 : 3, our ancestors reduced this kingdo?n. Swift insists that the 
opposition to Wood's coinage comes, not from the Irish papists, but 
from the English protestants, whose ancestors had colonized Ireland 
and subdued it. Cf. 128 : 21 and 132 : 31. 

115 : 24, in a former letter. The Third Drapier' s Letter was an 
examination of the report of the Committee of Inquiry. See 111 : 10, 
note. 

1X6 : 4, L have shewn it at large — in the Third Drapier' s Letter. 



222 NOTES 

116 : 5, hy references to Ireland. The patents were referred to the 
Irish Parliament. 

118 : 3. This sentence, like the whole passage which it sums up, 
is ironical : Swift expects an affirmative answer. It is both safer and 
more forcible to veil his charge against the ministry. The next 
paragraph begins with the ironical concession, '•'- supposing all this to 
be true." 

118 : 30, Lord Berkeley of Stratton (d. 1740), fourth baron, came 
from a family closely connected with Irish interests. His father, the 
first baron, was lord-lieutenant of Ireland. He and his brother were 
well known to Swift from having married into the family of Sir John 
Temple, whom Swift disliked. 

119 : I, Lord Palmer stown, Henry Temple (d. 1757) was created 
Viscount Palmerston in 1722. He was thus head of the family of 
Sir William Temple, Swift's patron. 'Y\\^^ first retnembrancer was a 
recording officer of the exchequer. 

119 : 2, Dodington. George Bubb (1671-1762) in 1720 adopted, 
with an estate, the name Dodington. He was a political place- 
hunter and patron of men of letters — in fact the last English patron 
of importance. Young, Thomson, P'ielding, and Bentley accepted his 
patronage and addressed writings to him, but Dr. Johnson seems to 
have held aloof. He became Lord Melcombe in 1761. Clerk of the 
pells was an officer of the exchequer who had charge of the parch- 
ment or pell rolls. 

119: 6, Mr. Southwell. Edward Southwell (167 i-i 730) succeeded 
his father as secretary of state for Ireland in 1702. He obtained a 
life grant of that office for himself and his son in 1720. Richard 
Boyle, Earl of Burlington^ was made lord high treasurer of Ire- 
land in 1715. 

119 : 16, Mr. Addison in 1709 became secretary to Lord Wharton, 
lord-lieutenant of Ireland, and was given this office of keeper of the 
records in Bermingham's Tower (a part of Dublin Castle). Tickell 
notices this as a mark of Queen Anne's special favor to Addison. 

119 : 21, a favourite secretary. Mr. Hopkins, secretary to the Duke 
of Grafton. See Swift's letters to the Duke, Jan. 23, 1722-3, and two 
satirical poems on Hopkins's exactions as Master of the Revels, ini 
Scott's Works ^ 1824, vol. xiv, p. 156. 

121 : 10, Lord Carteret. See 112 : 27, note. 

128 : 20, The gentleman they have lately made primate. Hugh 



NOTES 223 

Boulter (1672-1742) became Dean of Christ Church, Oxford, and 
Bishop of Bristol in 17 19 ; and in 1724 was made Archbishop of 
Armagh and primate of Ireland. Being a supporter of Walpole's 
administration, he was naturally distasteful to Swift, and Swift op- 
posed him on other points besides the coinage. 

125 : 20. This paragraph particularly gave offence to the govern- 
ment and has been much quoted. Swift defends it in the Fifth 
Drapier' s Letter. 

126 : 8, Mr. Molineux published, 1698, The case of Ireland' s being 
bound by Acts of Parliament in England, stated. 

126 : 13, all government without the consent of the governed, is the 
very definition of slavery. Cf. Declaration of Independence, '^Gov- 
ernments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from 
the consent of the governed." This letter Swift intends as a kind 
of declaration of Irish independence. Cf. 125 : 21; 127 : 14. 

126 : 31, the same person, etc. Walpole is meant. 

128 : 21, our ancestors conquered. Cf. 115 13. 

131 : 13, infamous Coleby. Coleby was a witness at the inquiry of 
the Committee of the Privy Council (see 111 : 10, note). In examin- 
ing the Committee's report in the third letter Swift refers to him as 
having been ''tried for robbing the treasury of Ireland; and though 
he was acquitted for want of legal proof, yet every person in the 
court believed him to be guilty." 

135 : II, remote from thunder. " Procul a Jove, procul a fulmine ' 
is a proverbial expression. 

A MODEST PROPOSAL. 

136 : 12, to fight for the Pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to 
the Barbadoes. Great numbers of Irishmen were serving in conti- 
nental armies, and Spain had regularly five Irish regiments. Irish- 
men no doubt served in the expedition sent in 17 19 by Cardinal 
Alberoni, prime minister of Spain, to raise the Jacobites in Scotland. 
See Lecky, E^tgland in the Eighteenth Century, vol. ii, p. 286. The 
Irish, too, were emigrating in great numbers to America and the 
West Indies. Boulter {Letters, 1728; quoted by Lecky, vol. ii, p. 
285) says: " The whole north is in a ferment at present, and people 
every day engaging one another to go next year to the West Indies, 
The humor has spread like a contagious disease." 



224 NOTES 

137 : 25. For as we should say that, 

138 : 7, The number of souls in this kingdom. The population of 
Ireland is usually estimated to have been somewhat higher at this 
time (1729). See Lecky, England in the Eighteenth Century^ vol. ii, 
p. 278. One contemporary writer, however, places it at one and 
two-thirds millions: Dobbs, Essay on Irish 7>«^<? (published 1731). 

140 : 31, at least three to one. The number was usually set higher. 
Boulter {Letters^ vol. ii, p. 70) says: ^^The papists, by the most 
modest computation, are about five to one protestant, but others think 
they cannot be less than seven to one." 

142 : 27, the famous Psalmanazar. George Psalmanazar was the 
name assumed by a Frenchman who pretended to be a native of 
Formosa and wrote a fictitious Historical and Geographical Descrip- 
tion of Formosa^ published 1704. His imposture was soon discovered 
and he published a confession. The story referred to by Swift actu- 
ally occurs in Psalmanazar's book. See Scott, Works (1824), vol. 
vii, p. 268. 

146: 25, Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients. The 
measures of relief which Swift rejects in his ironical presentation are 
of course exactly the ones which he seriously wishes to bring to the 
attention of Irishmen. The Modest Proposal is by no means a mere 
jeu d^ esprit, and this paragraph amounts to serious argument. 

146 : 28, of using neither clothes^ etc. The trade laws closed foreign 
markets to Irishmen and Swift always urged that Irishmen should 
retaliate by using only articles of Irish growth and manufacture. 
His first expression on Irish affairs was A Proposal for the Universal 
Use of Irish Manufacture^ 1720. The government prosecuted the 
printer of this pamphlet, but the grand jury persisted in bringing in 
a verdict of '* not guilty," and the prosecution was so unpopular that 
it was dropped. Most of Swift's writings on Irish affairs advocate 
this use of home products. 

147: 5, Topinamboo. The natives of Brazil were called by Euro- 
peans Topinambous. Swift probably got the word from Boileau, 
who uses it when he wishes to connote utter savagery. In satirizing 
the supporters of the moderns he says: 

" * Ou peut-on avancer une telle infamie ? 

Est-ce chez les Hurons, chez les Topinambous ? ' 
C'est ^ Paris. C'est done a I'Hopital de fous; 
Non, c'e$t au Louyre en pleine Acad^mie." 



NOTES 225 



INTRODUCTION TO POLITE CONVERSATION. 

152 : 14, the advice of Horace, See Ars Poetica^ 1. 388. 

152 : 15, Mr. Creech's, See 80:29, note. 

153 : 3, six or seven years. This period, with the preceding ones 
of twelve and sixteen years, would, if we start with 1695, bring us to 
1729-30, which nearly corresponds with the account of the composi- 
tion given in Swift's letters. In 173 1 he writes to Gay (August 28) 
and to Pope (June 12) that he has the work in hand and almost fin- 
ished, though it had been "begun above twenty-eight years ago." 
The period of twelve years, too, may have some correspondence to 
reality. See Polite Conversation^ Saintsbury's edition, pp. viii, 193. 

153 : 12, Si??ton Wagstaff. Swift seems already (1726) to have 
assumed the name William Wagstafife to mystify his readers. See 
Craik, Life^ vol. i, p. 379; Dilke, Papers of a Critic^ vol. i, p. 369. 

154 : 29, / utterly reject them. The reader will see at once that 
this piece is ironical throughout. In fact, almost all the ''smart 
turns of wit and humour" in the dialogues "have a proverbial air." 

157 : 2, Isaac the dancing-master was important enough to be men- 
tioned twice by Steele in the Tatler (Nos. 34, 109). Soame Jenyns's 
lines {Art of Dancings canto ii) are familiar: 

" And Isaac's rigadoon shall live as long 
As Raphael's painting, or as Virgil's song." 

159: 7, not to be controlled; i.e. controverted. Cf. 181 : 16, and see 
Century Dictionary. 

159 : 23, James Graham is described by Horace Walpole as a 
fashionable man and noted for his dry humor (Letters^ 1840, vol. 
i, p. cvi.) Born in 1649, he died in 1730, as Swift was writing the 
Polite Co7tversation. 

161 : 20. In his copy of Burnet's History Swift wrote notes which 
are included in the Oxford edition of the History (1823). The pas- 
sage (Oxford ed., p. 7) to which Swift refers here runs as follows : 
" They [my friends] esteemed that this work (chiefly when it should 
be over and over again retouched and polished by me, which very 
probably I shall be doing as long as I live) might prove of some use 
to the world " ; on which Swift made the comment, " Rarely polished; 



226 NOTES 



\ 



I never read so ill a style." Scott's note on this passage will b« 
found inaccurate. 

163 : 6, selling of bargains. The purchaser of the form of wit called 
the '* bargain " asked some question, to which the seller gave a coarse 
answer. Cf. Bathos, or the Art of Sinking in Poetry, chap, xii (* '• Of 
expression, and the several sorts of style of the present age ") : ** The 
principal branch of the Alamode [style] is the prurient, a style greatly 
advanced and honored of late, by the practice of persons of the first 
quality; and by the encouragement of the ladies, not unsuccessfully 
introduced even into the drawing-room. It consists [among other 
things] . . . of . . . selling of bargains and double entendre.''^ 
Swift doubtless wrote both passages. 

164 : I, an infamous court chaplain. This Swift probably got 
from '* Mr. Thomas Brown's works " which he says (177 : 31) he has 
read entire. '' In the reign of Charles II. a certain worthy divine at 
Whitehall thus addressed himself to the auditory at the conclusion of 
his sermon : ' In short, if you don't live up to the precepts of the 
Gospel, but abandon yourselves to your irregular appetites, you must 
expect to receive your reward in a certain place which 'tis not good 
manners to mention here.'" — Brown's Laconics, Scott cites Pope's 
dean, ''who never mentions hell to ears polite." See Elwin and 
Courthope's Pope, vol. iii, p. 182. 

164 : 18, rumpers = supporters of the Rump Parliament. 

167:6, Sir John Perrot (1527 ?-i592), lord-deputy of Ireland, 
was testy and profane, and in his violent outbreaks against Queen 
Elizabeth this v/as his favorite oath. Scott refers to Somer's Tracts, 
vol. i, p. 269. 

170 128, no more than Lily obtained. William Lily (I468?-I522) 
wrote a Latin grammar of which a special edition was printed for 
Edward VI., who by proclamation in 1548 enjoined the use of the 
book. In 1675 a bill to make the use of this grammar compulsory 
was introduced in the House of Lords, but not passed. A revised 
edition in 1732 perhaps called Swift's attention to Lily. See Dic- 
tionary of National Biography , 

173 : 20. This refers to the following in Dialogue II: '''■Col. 
This is admirable black pudden : Miss, shall I carve you some ? I can 
just carve pudden, and that's all ; I am the worst carver in the world; 
I should never make a good chaplain. Miss. No, thank ye. Colonel ; 
for they say those that eat black pudden will dream of the devil." 



NOTES 227 

174 : 17, Quadrille. Dialogue III closes with '^ a party at quadrille 
until three in the morning ; but no conversation set down." 

174 : 18, " Hobbes clearly proves, that every creature 
Lives in a state of war by nature." 

Swift, On Poetry^ 1733. 

176 : 7, bills of mortality. The district from which report of 
births and deaths was made was exact in its limits, though these 

1 limits were often modified. 

177 : 31, Mr. Thomas Brown's (1663-1704). ^^The facetious Tom 
Brown gave up, for the character of a London wag, the pretensions 
he might easily have set up to talent and learning. He led a dis- 
solute and indigent life, in the course of which he often saw (as he 
expresses it) his last Carolus reduced from an integer to decimal 

I fractions ; and died about 1704." — Scott. 

178 : 9, Charles Gildon (1665-1724), a hack-writer and a deist. 
^'He wrote three plays," Scott says, ^' which, meeting with little 
attention, the corruption of a poet became in this, as in other cases, 

I the generation of a critic." He criticised the Rape of the Lo chj3,iid 
was charged by Pope with abusing him and with receiving a present 

I for the same from Addison. Pope of course put him into the Dunciad 
(bk. iii, 1. 173), and into the Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot. 

178 : 9, Ward. Edward Ward (1667-1731), kept a public house 
and wrote political poetry. He appears twice in the Dunciad (bk. i, 
1. 234 ; bk. iii, 1. 34), and twice in the Art of Sinking in Poetry^ 
(Pope, IVorhs, ed. Elwin and Courthope, vol. x, pp. 362, 390). 

178 : 9, Dennis. The name of John Dennis (1657-1734) is synony- 
mous with the literary stupidity and inefficiency which Swift, Pope, 
and Arbuthnot were making such war against in the Scriblerus 

\ Memoirs and the Dunciad. Here Swift goes out of his way to engage 

j the enemy in a digression. 

1 178 : 20, Ozell. John Ozell (d. 1743) made many translations, 
among others one of Homer for which he was put in the Dunciad 
(bk. i, 1. 286). For Ozell' s curious and amusing reply see Scott's 
note, or Elwin and Courthope's Pope, vol. iv, p. 122. John Stevens 

j (d. 1726) published many translations under the name "Captain 

; Stevens," — the title was perhaps won in James IPs Irish campaigns. 

\ He is not in the Dunciad^ and why Swift mentions him is not clear. 
Ozell and Stevens are both notable for opening the little known 



228 2^0 TES 

Spanish literature to English readers. See Dictionary of National 
Biography and British Museum Catalogue. 

180 : 21, the Crafts?nan was a political journal, originated in 1726 
and used by Pulteney and Bolingbroke in their opposition to Sir 
Robert Walpole. 

181 : 16, uncontrollable^ Cf. 159 : 7, and note. 

181 : 17, introducing in the first page. The passage is as follows: 
'' CoL Tom, you must go with us to Lady Smart's to breakfast. 
Neverout. Must? Why, Colonel, Must's for the king." 

181 : 23, Tibbalds. Lewis Theobald (1688- 1744). Pope spelled 
his name as it was pronounced, "Tibbald," and Swift is intention- 
ally careless in his spelling. He published Shakspere Restored^ a 
severe criticism of Pope's edition of Shakspere, and then (1733-4) 
his own scholarly edition. For the former Pope made him the hero 
oii\iQ Dunciad {i'j2?>), though in 1743, in a later edition, ^'Tibbald" 
was ^'dethroned " and Colley Gibber put in his place. 

181 : 28, our most illustrious laureate. Colley Cibber (1671-1757), 
the famous actor and dramatist, obtained the laureateship (for which 
Theobald was also a candidate) in 1730. The reasons for Pope's 
hostility to him and for his substitution in the Dunciad are obscure; 
see Dictionary of National Biography. But here again (as in 178: 9) 
Swift seems to be working on an understanding with Pope. Swift is 
reported to have said that Cibber 's Apology^ published 1740, capti- 
vated him, and that he sat up all night to read it through. 

184 : II, Isaac Newton (1642-1727), through his friendship with 
Charles Montague, was made warden of the mint in 1695 and master 
of the mint in 1697. Li 1705 Queen Anne visited Cambridge and 
made him a knight. His sun-dials seem to have been well known. 
' ' One of these dials, which went by the name of Isaac^s dial, and 
was often referred to by the country people for the hour of the day, 
appears to have been drawn solely from the observations of several 
years." — Brewster, Life of Newton (1875), p. 8. 

184 : 27, those of Sir Isaac. The grammar is shaky. As Saints, 
bury says, "this, like other things in this introduction, is clearly 
writ in character, the character of the more polite than pedantic Wag- 
staff." 

184 131, many imperial diadems. Refers to crowns worn by Cib- 
ber as an actor. For a list of Cibber's plays and parts see Dictionary 
of National Biography, 



NOTES 229 

186 : 2^ for^ned into a comedy, "The proposal here stated in jest 
actually took place; for Faulkner informs us, that the Treatise on 
Polite Conversation being universally admired at Dublin, was exhib- 
ited at the theatre in Angier Street as a dramatic performance, and 
received great applause." — Scott. 



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A little book for wayfarers, bicycle-wise and otherwise. Compiled by E. V. 
Lucas. Vyitk illustrated cover-linings. Green and gold flexible covers. 
i2mo. $1.50, retail. 

Some 12 c poems (mostly complete) and 25 prose passages, representing over 
60 authors, including i^itzgerald, Shelley, Shakespeare, Kenneth Grahame, 
Stevenson, Whitman, Bliss Carman, Browning, William Watson, Alice 
Meynel, Keats, Wordsworth, Matthew Arnold, Tennyson, William Morris, 
Maurice Hewlett, Isaak Walton, William Barnes, Herrick, Gervase Markham, 
Dobson, Lamb, Milton, Whittier, etc. 

Critic : " The selections tell of farewells to winter and the town, of spring- 
and the beauty of the earth, of lovers, of sun and cloud and the windy hills, 
of birds, blossoms, and trees— in fact of everything that makes work well-nigh 
impossible when the world of nature begins to wake from its long sleep." 

Dial: *' A very charming book from cover to cover. , . . some things are 
lacking, but all that there is is good." 

New York Tribune : " It has been made with good taste, and is altogether 
a capital publication." 

London Times : " The only thing a poetry-loving cyclist could allege against 
the book is that its fascinations would make him rest too long." 

LUCAS' A BOOK OF VERSES FOR CHILDREN 

Over 200 poems, representing some 80 authors. With title-page and cover- 
lining pictures in color, and cover in colors and gilt. 

Revised Edition. i2mo. $2.00, retail. 

Critic : " We know of no other anthology for children so complete and well 
arranged." 

Poet Lore : " A child could scarcely get a choicer range of verse to roll over 
in his mind, or be coaxed to it by a prettier volume. ... A book to take note 
of against Christmas and all the birthday gift times of the whole year round." 

BEERS' ENGLISH ROMANTICISM -xvm. cehtury 

Gilt top. 455 pp. i2mo. $2.00, retail. 

New York Commercial Advertiser : "The individuality of his style, its 
humor, its color, its delicacy. . . . will do quite as much to continue its 
author's reputation as his scholarship. . . . The work of a man who has 
studied hard, but who has also lived." 

Outlook: "One of the most important contributions yet made to literary 
history by an American scholar." 

New York Tribune : " No less instructive than readable." 

Nation : " Always interesting. . . . On the whole may be commended as an 
excellent popular treatment of the special subject of the literary revival of 
mediaevalism in the eighteenth century in England." 

Literature : *' His analyses are clear and profound. ... A notable example 
of the best type of unpedantic literary scholarship." 

HANCOCK'S THE FRENCH REVOLUTION 
AND THE ENGLISH POETS 

With an introduction, on Historical Criticism as an aid to appreciation, by 
Professor Lewis E. Gates of Harvard, xvi + igj pp. i2mo, $1.25, r^/<2z7. 

Review of Reviews : "A very interesting study. ... He takes up the 
thread of English romanticism where Professor Beers drops it," 

Outlook : " It has a scholar's orderliness, clearness of method, and contin- 
uity. . . . Students . . . will be quick to recognize the conscientious work- 
manship of his volume, and its insight into the spiritual development of a 
group of the foremost English poets of the century," 

HENRY HOLT & CO., New York 



iVi.i- 5 1901 

EIGHTEENTH-CENTURY 
LETTERS 

EDITED BY R. BRIMLEY JOHNSON 

SWIFT, ADDISON, AND STEELE 

With an introduction by Stanley Lane Poole, and Lemercier- 
gravures of the three letter-writers. Laid paper, gilt top, half 
vellum. i2mo. $1.75, net. 

'* Mr. Brimley Johnson deserves the gratitude of all lovers of 
good literature, as of all lovers of the eighteenth century, for 
publishing so judicious and agreeable a volume as Eighteenth- 
Century Letters, The letters are selected, he tells us, chiefly 
on literary grounds ; and, as Mr. Lane Poole says in his intro- 
duction to Vol. L, 'the correspondence collected in this volume 
centres on the incomparable influence of Swift.' These are of fas- 
cinating style, and if ever it was right 'the many-headed beast 
should know ' a man's private life and thoughts, such curiosity is 
justified in the case of the satirist. Satire requires a certain detach- 
ment of intellect from moral and personal consideration; but in 
reading Swift's letters we see to what an extreme pitch intellectual 
abstraction may be carried. The cynic misanthrope in public, he 
shows in private a childlike humanity and kindness. Here is the 
author of Gulliver reeling off two or three pages of words ending in 
-ling to Dr. Sheridan, joking with ' Patty ' Blount on their ages, de- 
scribing to Vanessa his days and his nights with all the charm of in- 
timate triviality; now rallying a correspondent on bad spelling, and 
now penning to a fallen Minister a letter which has all the beauties 
of an elegant and dignified pamphlet without any loss of epistolary 
ease and familiarity. And no less pleasing are the letters addressed 
to Swift — the philosophy of Bolingbroke, the humorous gossip of 
Gay, the wit of Arbuthnot. Then we have specimens of the elabo- 
rate finish of Addison, as judicious, balanced, and polished in his 
letters as his essays proper. But more wecome still are the notes 
that Steele scribbled off to 'Prue/ 'Dear Prue, — I enclose you a 
guinea for your pockett'; or, * Dear Prue,— I send you seven pen'orth 
of wall nutts at five a penny, which is the greatest proof I can give 
you at present of my being, with my whole heart. Yours Richd. 
Steele.' The book is further adorned by admirable Lemercier-grav- 
ures of the three letter-writers, and in every way so turned out as 
to attract. Mr. Johnson promises fresh volumes to cover, by a 
system of selected groups, the whole range of the eighteenth 
century. We look forward with pleasure to more of the same kind 
as this iortt&stQ.''''— Literature, 

JUST PUBLISHED, 

JOHNSON AND LORD CHESTERFIELD 

With an introduction by George Birbeck Hill, and Lemercier- 
grauvres of both letter-writes. Laid paper, gilt top, half vellum. 
i2mo. $1.75, net, "^ 

HENRY HOLT & CO., ^^ ^.^^4ofr^' 



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